I need advise
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I need advise
I am a 25 year old mother of three boys. I also have a 17 year old cousin living with me, I am her legal guardian. My husband is an alcoholic and I can't deal with the drinking anymore. The blackouts have been way out of hand. The other night he asked my cousin to take her clothes off, of course she said no, but I still can't believe what has happened. When I became aware of the situation, I flipped out on him, and he was actually suicidal over what I had told him that happened. I care too much about him to just get rid of him, because I think it won't help. I want to support him and help him deal this addiction. Am I out of my mind?
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Welcome Jenn!
You have come to the right place. Are you able to find an Al Anon group in your area? Also, check out the power posts at the top of the al anon forum area. There is a lot of good reading there... and shortly the others will be along to offer their welcome and their words of wisdom. There are many people here who have experiences such as yours!
Just wanted to say hello and welcome
Osier59
You have come to the right place. Are you able to find an Al Anon group in your area? Also, check out the power posts at the top of the al anon forum area. There is a lot of good reading there... and shortly the others will be along to offer their welcome and their words of wisdom. There are many people here who have experiences such as yours!
Just wanted to say hello and welcome
Osier59
I used to work here ;)
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: I live in Trevose, PA & collect Barbies :)
Posts: 2,024
Welcome Jen,
I agree with everything Osier said. Read the posts, find a meeting if possible.
If your husband wants the help by all means support him but he can be the only one to make the decision of wanting to get help. Until that time you need to take care of you and the kids.
Again welcome and take care.
Many hugs,
Debbie
I agree with everything Osier said. Read the posts, find a meeting if possible.
If your husband wants the help by all means support him but he can be the only one to make the decision of wanting to get help. Until that time you need to take care of you and the kids.
Again welcome and take care.
Many hugs,
Debbie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
No, you're not out of your mind
His drinking is way out of control if he is making sexually inappropriate comments to a 17-year-old family member and then threatening suicide when reminded of this.
If you don't want to "get rid" of him, then you have to find a way to live with the person that he has become.
If you have accepted guardianship of your cousin, then you are responsible for keeping her in a safe living environment. That being said, a safe living environment is not a place where she is being asked to strip by an alcoholic family member.
Is there somewhere else that your cousin can go? It may be too much for you to deal with having the responsibility to keep her safe and dealing with an alcoholic husband.
I know that you are trying to take care of a lot of people right now. But you have to take care of yourself first. Otherwise, you will be useless to those that you want to help.
I hope that Alanon meetings are available to you. The strength and support of others who have been through these kind of things is invaluable.
Make your decisions based on what is best for you and the people that you love. Sometimes that is hard to do, but in the long run, it will send you to a better place.
I'm sorry that you are dealing with so many hard things right now. Keep the faith and believe in yourself. A big hug from me to you.
Peace,
Gabe
If you don't want to "get rid" of him, then you have to find a way to live with the person that he has become.
If you have accepted guardianship of your cousin, then you are responsible for keeping her in a safe living environment. That being said, a safe living environment is not a place where she is being asked to strip by an alcoholic family member.
Is there somewhere else that your cousin can go? It may be too much for you to deal with having the responsibility to keep her safe and dealing with an alcoholic husband.
I know that you are trying to take care of a lot of people right now. But you have to take care of yourself first. Otherwise, you will be useless to those that you want to help.
I hope that Alanon meetings are available to you. The strength and support of others who have been through these kind of things is invaluable.
Make your decisions based on what is best for you and the people that you love. Sometimes that is hard to do, but in the long run, it will send you to a better place.
I'm sorry that you are dealing with so many hard things right now. Keep the faith and believe in yourself. A big hug from me to you.
Peace,
Gabe
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Jen:
Three boys, a young woman, an A, and taking care of yourself? Wow! That's a lot. I only have myself and my pets, and at age 42, having difficulty dealing with my A. My hat's off to you that you have lasted this long!
You have a lot of folks who need your strength and love. But, reality is, you can't be all things to all people all the time. Spend some quiet time with yourself, and figure out where the priorities are. Then, let go of everything else. I know that is a problem for people like us, but it can be learned.
If he's truly wanting to make amends for what happened, you'll see him taking action and making changes. If he wants help in getting over the addition, he'll tell you some tangible things that you can do. Otherwise, helping before he asks for it is not help.
I know that it certainly is difficult to resist "flipping out", and it certainly seems like that's what they deserve sometimes, but you're not dealing with someone who can deal with constructive critism, let alone your rage. You'd think that yelling would get their attention, but it has the opposite effect.
Many hugs,
EyesOpen
Three boys, a young woman, an A, and taking care of yourself? Wow! That's a lot. I only have myself and my pets, and at age 42, having difficulty dealing with my A. My hat's off to you that you have lasted this long!
You have a lot of folks who need your strength and love. But, reality is, you can't be all things to all people all the time. Spend some quiet time with yourself, and figure out where the priorities are. Then, let go of everything else. I know that is a problem for people like us, but it can be learned.
If he's truly wanting to make amends for what happened, you'll see him taking action and making changes. If he wants help in getting over the addition, he'll tell you some tangible things that you can do. Otherwise, helping before he asks for it is not help.
I know that it certainly is difficult to resist "flipping out", and it certainly seems like that's what they deserve sometimes, but you're not dealing with someone who can deal with constructive critism, let alone your rage. You'd think that yelling would get their attention, but it has the opposite effect.
Many hugs,
EyesOpen
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Jen
I hope you find strength and courage here on these boards, because I have a feeling you will need all the help we can offer.
Please understand that I say what I am about to say with love in my heart - I promise you that I know the pain you are in.
Unless this man stops all drinking at once, you have absolutely no guarantee that this will not happen again. Good intentions and promises mean nothing when drugs or alcohol are involved.
This young girl is not safe in your house. It is impossible to monitor everyone's whereabouts and behaviour 24 hours a day, and sadly, this problem is not likely to go away.
Please do whatever you can do to protect her.
And please do whatever you can do to help yourself too. Take a read around here and you will see that you are not alone.
My prayers go out for you and your family.
I hope you find strength and courage here on these boards, because I have a feeling you will need all the help we can offer.
Please understand that I say what I am about to say with love in my heart - I promise you that I know the pain you are in.
Unless this man stops all drinking at once, you have absolutely no guarantee that this will not happen again. Good intentions and promises mean nothing when drugs or alcohol are involved.
This young girl is not safe in your house. It is impossible to monitor everyone's whereabouts and behaviour 24 hours a day, and sadly, this problem is not likely to go away.
Please do whatever you can do to protect her.
And please do whatever you can do to help yourself too. Take a read around here and you will see that you are not alone.
My prayers go out for you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Jen, I wanted to stop in and welcome you. Sounds like you REALLY have a full plate. You have come to the right place for support and encouragement. Start working on taking care of yourself and I would have to agree with the others about maybe finding another place for the 17 year old. Less stress for you and for the child.
Hope that you are able to find an al-anon group for yourself!
Hope that you are able to find an al-anon group for yourself!
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