branwyn

Hi Everyone,

Even though this is my first post, I am not new to the site. This network has been a source of great comfort and insight in the past. But I am driven to write because my situation is at the point that I no longer have any idea what to do.

My mom is mainly an alcoholic, but also has in the past abused sleeping pills, pain killers, and occasional, meth and coke. She finally left my Dad, me and my two younger siblings about a year ago for another guy, but he was just a way out. She left so she could live her lifestyle without the “harassment” of her family. We have all tried to talk to her and get her into treatment, but she couldn’t even handle finishing the paperwork.

Now out of the house, she is drinking and drugging more then ever. Her 5’7 frame is probably down to 117 lbs, she can’t hold down a job for more than two weeks. Though it’s hard not having a typical Mom, I have accepted everything for the most part and do my best to live my life. What I am struggling with now is my Dad and his inability to cope with my Mom.

My Dad is slowly breaking down and I am scared of the future and well-being of my little brother and sister. He is still in-love with my mom and cannot break away. He answers her calls night and day, at any time, for whatever reason. He gives her money, pays off her debts, listens to all her crazy stories, about all of the men she’s been with and even councils her when she is fighting with her boyfriend. When I hear them talk, usually it sounds like two teenagers, that’s how their relationship has always been.

I know all of this because he empties it out on me because he has nobody else. I’ve tired talking to him about counseling and am in the works of getting a referral, but this is the third time in doing so. My dad has a very high income and we should not be under any financial stress but we are due to my Mom. He had to re-mortgaged the house this year to pay off over a hundred thousand dollar debt my Mom racked up. She is in debt again, and told him last week that it’s okay because the bank will just put a lean on the house, since her name is still on the house. Why? Because my parents are still married. I’ve been trying to deal with this, but it had gone to a new level since now my Dad has started drinking. Almost everyday for the last month or so, and within the last couple of weeks, a couple of serious episodes have occurred in the presence of my little brother and sister.

I have already lost one parent to alcoholism, I don’t know if I can handle losing another, he especially. Does anyone have any advice on how I can change my dad’s opinions?

Also, can anyone offer any legal advice or a place where I could gain some legal advice, so I can have knowledge of my own when I discuss matters with my dad. When I try talking to him now, he gets angry, defensive and tells me “I don’t understand or get anything”. I need some information/facts to help protect my brother and sister, because right now they are not getting the protection they need and deserve.

Are I and my family not trying harder enough for treatment for my Mom? Should we drag her back here and put extreme pressure on for her to go? I’m just not sure if any of us can withstand her combative insaneness, let alone the heartache it causes.

It’s been hard growing up with an alcoholic mother, it’s been even harder watching her destroy herself this past year. Usually I can get myself through the rough patches, but lately I feel like I’m sinking. It’s hard cause I can do my best to take care of the house, look after my family, be a good student, but it's tough not having any say in the financial matters.

Any help or advice would be beyond appreciated. Thanks also for letting me let out some pent up emotion. Hope all is well with all. : )

Branwyn

Jazzman

Welcome branwyn. You sure have your hands full with a 1st post like that. The best approach I have found is to get educated about the effects of the disease of addiction on everyone including the family members. Here's a great post I like to share with newcomers.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hlight=10+ways

branwyn

Thanks Jazzman for the link. My Dad started educating me on the disease freshman year of highschool, when things with my mom started to get bad. And I've been to a couple of Al-Anon meetings, though I need to start going to more. But that is what makes it all even more frustrating, because my Dad has read all this stuff before. He's been explaining these points to me for years in order to help myself, which is why I have done as well as I have. I have even done my own research and shared it with him, yet he doesn't practice any of it himself.

But I thought you're link was a great, throrough but quick to the point reminder. I'm printing it out tonight and giving it to him. Thanks Again.

Jazzman

You're welcome. I followed each step of that post as if my own sanity depended on it. I have been in your shoes and had a difficult time separating myself from the actions of others. All we can do is work on ourselves. It's a very helpless feeling seeing a loved one destroy themselves and another loved one get dragged down with the ship. I hope you take steps to take care of yourself!

denny57

Hi Branwyn, welcome to SR!

I know you are worried about losing another parent to the disease, but please don't forget - you could lose yourself, too. When you talk about legal advice - do you mean to protect financial assets for the younger children? I'd talk to a lawyer to see if you have any options there. The first hour consult is typically free.

I found more meetings in time of crises really helped me keep my sanity. Talking things out with others helped me see more clearly.

Please keep posting - glad you're here!

dollydo

Hi,

I feel your pain, my Mom is the alcoholic in my life. She has been drinking for over 60 years. She has never seeked recovery and never will. This I have to accept.

With that said, it has been a struggle for me. It has affected my entire life. When I started working on me, my issues, I was able to let go and live my life for me.

I found that meetings helped me, gave me the direction I needed to save myself, as I cannot save her, she doesn't want to be saved...that's the bottom line.

Yes, I love her, but, I love myself more, there is only one I can save, and that is me.

HolyQow

Why not print out your own post, and give that to him....instead of the other one?

He can't read your mind, doesn't know what you're thinking...I think it was a great post, and you would both benefit from letting him hear you.

Sorry for the reason you had to come here, (like all of us), but glad that you are here.

branwyn

Hey Everyone,

Thanks for the replies, it is really so comforting to know that other people know exactly where I’m at. I’m not worried about losing myself, I almost nearly lost it last year but amazedly fate literally intervened and I’m stronger than I ever was. It’s just the well-being and security of my brother and sister that scares me the most. But I’m going to be meeting with a psychologist next week to ask for family therapy referrals and legal insight as well.

Legality speaking, I am interested in the repercussions of a divorce. My dad keeps giving her money; because he says what he gives her is less then what he would have to give in alimony. It is true that she didn’t work for 14 years, but her case can’t be that strong to receive that much money. I mean, he could file for abandonment; it’s already been a year. And he has documented how much money has given her so far. Unfortunately, it would probably lead to testimonies of us kids, which would be hard. But, to live for myself sanely, it means that my little brother and sister are put first, a priority I feel that my Dad is forgetting. I feel that a divorce would bring some closure and help all of us cope better. My sister already refuses to be cordial with my Mom, I balance the relationship and my Dad mostly succumbs, though he being unreceptive to her recent inquiries of flying home. When all three of us were ignoring her requests, she started calling my little brother, who is the youngest and having him looking up flights for her and tell him he’s coming home. It’s very manipulative. I feel a divorce would bring some parameters to the situation. I’m going to do some research online this week and I think my meeting next with the psychologist will be helpful, so I’m confident in finding some answers this week.

In response to HolyQow, my letter would be nothing new to my dad. We are extremely close; I’m pretty much his best friend. Our relationship is very vocal, some contest too vocal at times, but I’m all he has at the moment. We have had countless of conversations about how he cannot save my Mom and needs to let her go and about how she fulfills every, classic quality of a broken alcoholic. But he physically and mentally cannot let her go. Tonight he told me he was doing the best he could and I told him he could do better. I told him “I understand how hard it is to deal with her, believe me, but you’re drinking is no excuse, I don’t care what you say. You know better and need to set a stronger role model for the other two. They don’t need to see you acting like that.” And he agreed with me, but I’m going to stay on top of it. It’s just hard cause me entire mother’s side drink except for two of my aunts. My mother’s parents live with us! Love them to death but life long alcoholics. My uncles come down to visit and it’s booze fest all weekend. And my dad has just been getting caught up it in all, and I’m ending it. My brother and sister cannot me around this type of environment, with what they are dealing with our mother and also being in extreme sensitive times as teenagers.

Anyway… I am feeling better about finding answers, especially with my meeting next week. I plan on getting the whole family in and being able for al of us to communicate what we need to say, especially my Dad. I also plan on attending more meetings, but it’s hard to get these things going because I had ankle surgery last week and am still in bed with the cast. Once I’m in the boot though, it will be easier to get around and help myself better. But all of you have been great, thanks for the advice and words of encouragement. Truly appreciated.

Branywn

kglast

welcome and God Bless you Branwyn....what a head you have on your shoulders...just please make sure to take good care of YOU...

foregoodreasons

branwyn,

I don't know if it would be helpful to your or not but I am currently reading a book called Drugs, Drunks and Debits. It's written by a Certified Financial Planner who lived with and loved an addidt. He talks about his lessons learned and offers help to protect those that aren't sure how to protect themselves (both emotionally, physically and financially).

I purchased the book because our library system didn't carry it. I'm in the early stages of the book so I haven't reached the part where this Financial Planner talks about protecting a person's assets.

Go to dub dub dub dot preventragedy.com if you want to research it more.

I imagine it won't be helpful seeing your father hasn't hit HIS bottom yet and is still enabling your mother. But maybe, just maybe there will be something in there that will help your father.

I'll keep reading and report back if I read something I feel will be of help.

Sorry you find yourself in the situation you are in. I have an A-BIL (brother-in-law). They have no children (whew) but still my W and I will be on the hook to help bail out my W's sister once her H hits bottom. He's already racked up $14k in debt ... and neither of them has a high paying job. This is why I'm reading the book.

Good luck and try to take care of yourself.

branwyn

foregoodreasons - Thank you so much for the book recommendation and website. I’m going to look them up today, I’m sure they will provide further insight what I’m dealing with. I’m sorry as well about you’re A-BIL, I hope the best for him and his wife. And it’s wonderful that you and wife are preparing for his wife. I know I could not be where I am it wasn’t for the support I have received from family members who took the time to understand the situation.

Once again, thank you. : ) it’s much appreciated. – All my luck - Branwyn

guyinNC

Can you get him to sign on to sober recovery?? Perhaps then he could see he is not alone.

He seems to still be in love with your Mom. He needs to understand that if he does love her, he must cut her off and let her hit bottom. He must also look after her children, if he truly loves her. (Thats what she would want if she were of sound mind and body.)

He needs to get divorced and cut all financial, tax, and social ties with your mom to protect his and your interests.

He is not helping your Mom, he is hurting her. Tell him that and try to get him to log in here ar SR.

branwyn

I have talked to him to him about the site before, he was happy I was doing it for myself, but maybe I should send him some posts that seem similar to how he might feel, and see if he’ll want to check it out himself. Good Idea, thanks guyinNC.

Yeah, my dad is so attached to my Mom. When he is telling me her latest dramatic episode, he gets so wrapped up in telling the story, it as if he is imagining himself there. It’s really weird how involved he is in my Mom love life and they are still married. It’s so absurd, it almost makes me laugh, but on the other side of it, I’m almost not really that surprised because I grew up with their twisted relationship.

I know he’s afraid rock bottom will be death for her, I think it is a fear we all have. Mostly what I have been writing is about my Dad surprisingly, my feelings about my Mom, though I’m sure typical for a child of an alcoholic, is a whole another storm.

I have to stop writing because I’m leaving to go get my cast off, hooray : ) And I have a whole car ride to talk to my Dad. Thanks for all the advice.. You guys are great.

Branywn