ebv

I had to go to the city today and stopped to get my bf,I had it all planned out for when he asked "what are you going to buy me" my answer would have been "as soon as you get a job and buy me something" well when we got ready to leave his mom handed him money !!!!!!!!!!! he didn't even have to ask!!!!! so there went my whole plan. I've told her he needs help but she can't see anything wrong with him, I recieved collage papers yesterday to start classes in the fall, I'd planned on going for domestic abuse counselor but after seeing how bad the bf is and finding this web site, if I can go, it'll be for drug and alcohol counseling.
prayers to everyone.

prodigal

Do you think you play any part in enabling him?
You mentioned, "So there went my whole plan." What plan is that?
I am wondering why you are involved with a 48-year-old meth addict who lives at home with his mother, is unemployed, and sponges off of her ... and I assume anyone else he can sponge off of as well.

fluffyflea

Run away from that situation.........it's a total no-win.

Earthworm

chero

I'm with EW, Don't waste another moment on him. Take what you've learned and go live YOUR OWN LIFE!!!

ebv

We'll we've been togeather off and on for 21 years and I don't want to see him waste what's left of his life on dope, he is so different now than when I met him, I want the old him back and will do what ever I have to so I can help him,without enableing him, my plan was to make him feel crappy when he wanted me to buy him something. There's a NA/AA party in a town close to here in July, I'm working on getting him to go to it so he can see you don't have to be high to have fun.

minnie

Oh, my, I am lost for words.

Have you thought about getting counselling yourself or going to some al-anon/CODA meetings?

FormerDoormat

He's waisted his entire life thus far on drinking and drugging. So, I'd wager that's probably his life-long plan. What's yours? I hope it includes Alanon.

ebv

I read all kinds of books and am on the computer looking things up that help me to understand drug use, right now I'm reading "Never be lied to again", it's pretty good.

minnie

What about co-dependency? You been reading much about that?

What a shame that 2 lives are spent dedicated to his drug use.

elizabeth1979

Ebv, why do you think that things will be any different if nothing changes?

Do you watch that Texas psychologist on TV....Dr something or other..he does some really interesting shows on moochers, one last year was an alcoholic... he said on TV that he was accustomed to the llifestyle being provided.

Your man doesnt sound that different. Why do you think this is all you are good for ?

CE Girl

Well, I'm not!!!! So what else is new hey?

EBV girl, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!?!?!?

You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it

Ask anyone here who didn't remember those 3 c's. We got a WORLD of hurt.

Your going through a process. Posting on SR was one of the levels

Don't be afraid, theres a WHOLE ton of us out there, some with harder expereinces than yours. Geez, I wonder how some of them get up in the morning. The common thread here? We ALL want to make OUR lives better.

So, let me be the first to say,,,,,,

YOU are enabling as much as Mom. Trying to make him "feel bad" cause he can't buy you anything?!?! Give me a break. The only time he feels bad is when he can't get his dope. I banged my head against the proverbial wall trying to lay the guilt on my A. you know what he did with it? Spat it right back in my face, all twisted and neatly tied in a bow as AMMUNITION. Made me FEEL as bad as he treated me. Wasn't till I tired of wipping that spit of that I realized by allowing him to even treat me that way, I was "enabling" him. He could blame his drinking on what a bi*** I supposedly was.

Any of this sound familiar?

Keep posting, keep reading but most importantly keep thinking of what you want for YOU!!!

Any thoughts of al anon, maybe some counseling?

In any case, we're here for you.

PEace

loveRoy

I didn't want to see my AH waste his life either and I too wanted the man I had had two daughters with and built a life with to return. None of my wants mattered.

ebv

I had counseling afew years ago, she said this goes way back to when I was around 11 yrs. old, my dad drank alot and I would have to drive him around to places, (he quit 10 yrs. ago) she said I look for people that I think needs help since that's what I was used to growing up. as I think back, that's what every relationship I've ever been in was, looks like I keep going back to the one I really love.

minnie

Your Dad? Are you trying to save him by saving your boyfriend?

ebv

No he quit years ago.

minnie

You might be taking me a bit literally there.

Anyway, what help are you getting for you?

ebv

none.

CE Girl

YOUR getting it GIRL,,

BREAK the CYCLE

Or continue with the consequences

Can you go back to the counselor? Find a new one? Come on, your posting here, I KNOW you got ccccccccccourage,,,

You got to WANT it, just like your A gotta want it. Theres NO DIFFERENCE. Do you think he could make you want to recover from your codieism?

And skip the denial.

You are not gonna make him recover

You can only make YOU recover. If the thought of being without him tweaks you, take it out of the equation for now. Worry about your "plan"

Peace

HolyQow

Wow, you must feel like fresh meat the way everyone jumped on you, ebv. I think everyone needs to back up a minute, and remember that everyone is in different stages of recovery for codependants and alcoholics.

It seems to me that your first plan was to cut the cash flow off to him, but he just found it somewhere else......hate to say that is normal. They will beg borrow and steal if they have to.

I'd like to say welcome, and sorry that you got such harsh replies....the more you read on here, it will help you alot. It looks like you're just starting out, and you have come to the right place.

Knowlege is power

denny57

Did we get a hall monitor and no one told me?