When you live with your opposite...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
When you live with your opposite...
This may seem a strange question, but does anyone else live with a person who's their opposite in many ways?
My RH (of 14 years sober) finds it hard to sit still, is negative, gets angry/offended easily, when tired can be very paranoid, always has to be 'doing' or feels guilty and loves to argue with authority, whether it's in work or the guys who collect the bins.
I'm a peace-loving person, like a calm environment, have no problem slobbing around after a hard week's work, I'm friendly, like to think well of people and hate confrontations.
This doesnt lead to an easy home life - he likes things done his way and the house always clean. He cant understand, tho I work full-time in a pressured job and will be 50 this year, why I get tired and want to rest. He's always telling me there must be something wrong with me medically tho I've had all the tests.
I dont look forward to weekends as there's always so much to do, and dramas happen all the time.
I'm trying to set boundaries but I have little me time and with only one car I cant always take off ...sometimes I'm glad he goes to so many AA meetings so I get a breather from his rants or constant activity and jitteriness.
We're only together 6 years and I'm getting more and more despondent. I dont know what i feel for him - there is love but more the caretaking kind, no passion.
I just want to vent I suppose, and see if any other RH s are like this?
Thanks
Sophia
My RH (of 14 years sober) finds it hard to sit still, is negative, gets angry/offended easily, when tired can be very paranoid, always has to be 'doing' or feels guilty and loves to argue with authority, whether it's in work or the guys who collect the bins.
I'm a peace-loving person, like a calm environment, have no problem slobbing around after a hard week's work, I'm friendly, like to think well of people and hate confrontations.
This doesnt lead to an easy home life - he likes things done his way and the house always clean. He cant understand, tho I work full-time in a pressured job and will be 50 this year, why I get tired and want to rest. He's always telling me there must be something wrong with me medically tho I've had all the tests.
I dont look forward to weekends as there's always so much to do, and dramas happen all the time.
I'm trying to set boundaries but I have little me time and with only one car I cant always take off ...sometimes I'm glad he goes to so many AA meetings so I get a breather from his rants or constant activity and jitteriness.
We're only together 6 years and I'm getting more and more despondent. I dont know what i feel for him - there is love but more the caretaking kind, no passion.
I just want to vent I suppose, and see if any other RH s are like this?
Thanks
Sophia
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
One of the first things I was going to ask at first is was he in AA, but I see he is and goes to meetings. My next question now is he working the steps? It sure does not sound like it to me, he sounds like a dry drunk as we call them in AA.
I am a recovered alcoholic and I am totally different then what I was when I was drinking thanks to working and living the steps.
I am a recovered alcoholic and I am totally different then what I was when I was drinking thanks to working and living the steps.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I believe it isn't always about the alcohol. This may just be who he is. I'd base my decisions for my own life on that.
I've heard sometimes when opposites get together that at first they are attracted by the other's traits they each don't possess. Don't know how true that is or if it's just psychobabble.
Are there Al-Anon meetings in your area?
I've heard sometimes when opposites get together that at first they are attracted by the other's traits they each don't possess. Don't know how true that is or if it's just psychobabble.
Are there Al-Anon meetings in your area?
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
I am/was both of you.
I am you but my character defects had me be much like him.
Over time and working the steps I found a better way.
As for his need to always be doing something, my wife is the same. For that part of things I just let her enjoy what makes her feel good. We could go camping for a weekend and I could sit and enjoy a cool breeze as I watch the water flow by in the river. She would get bored and need start cleaning. Washing and waxing a camper is not my idea of relaxing *LOL* For her it was.
Poor behaviors...set boundaries
Different behaviors...know that the differences can blend together and make two become one as a whole.
I am you but my character defects had me be much like him.
Over time and working the steps I found a better way.
As for his need to always be doing something, my wife is the same. For that part of things I just let her enjoy what makes her feel good. We could go camping for a weekend and I could sit and enjoy a cool breeze as I watch the water flow by in the river. She would get bored and need start cleaning. Washing and waxing a camper is not my idea of relaxing *LOL* For her it was.
Poor behaviors...set boundaries
Different behaviors...know that the differences can blend together and make two become one as a whole.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Live with an opposite - depends on which subject and how I choose to look at it. . .
My AH is what he likes to say a "real alcoholic/addict" - There probably isn't many an alcoholic beverage or drug (prescription or illegal) that he hasn't tried at least once, maybe twice in his lifetime.
Me on the other hand, I have never been drunk, never even smoke a cigerette, not to mention the "funny" cigerettes. Most of the time, I can take a couple of tylenol and take a nice 45 min. nap.
Total opposites, right. But yet, some of our actions, fears, insecurities, struggles, and character defects are exactly the same. They just come out in different ways.
I, too, look forward to those times when he goes to his meetings and I have the house to myself. Today, I like being alone with myself.
If I am taking good care of myself, then I am able to relax and enjoy my AH for who he is. Even on the things that we are total opposite. Makes for some interesting discussions and sometimes one of us can open the other to a new view on an old topic.
For me, being opposites are like feelings, neither good nor bad - it just is what it is and we are trying to learning how to use it for good in our relationship.
Peace,
Rita
My AH is what he likes to say a "real alcoholic/addict" - There probably isn't many an alcoholic beverage or drug (prescription or illegal) that he hasn't tried at least once, maybe twice in his lifetime.
Me on the other hand, I have never been drunk, never even smoke a cigerette, not to mention the "funny" cigerettes. Most of the time, I can take a couple of tylenol and take a nice 45 min. nap.
Total opposites, right. But yet, some of our actions, fears, insecurities, struggles, and character defects are exactly the same. They just come out in different ways.
I, too, look forward to those times when he goes to his meetings and I have the house to myself. Today, I like being alone with myself.
If I am taking good care of myself, then I am able to relax and enjoy my AH for who he is. Even on the things that we are total opposite. Makes for some interesting discussions and sometimes one of us can open the other to a new view on an old topic.
For me, being opposites are like feelings, neither good nor bad - it just is what it is and we are trying to learning how to use it for good in our relationship.
Peace,
Rita
it is what it is...
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 179
I too am very opposite from my A. I adapted to be like him in a lot of ways. I have learned to be angry and hateful. I hate that I learned that from him. I had to to cope. He is that way all the time. Most people don't know what I feel or what is going on in my head. I appear to be sunny and happy. He doesn't. I am not like that naturally though. Part of my being here is to release some of these adaptations that I don't like. I truly am a kind, friendly, person who is happy most of the time. I am trying to get back to being that person all the time.
I guess if you can learn to appreciate his ways that is good. Just don't let his negativity get to you and become like I have. Opposites are fine if you are both comfortable with it. If not, take time to set your boundaries for you.
Take care. B
I guess if you can learn to appreciate his ways that is good. Just don't let his negativity get to you and become like I have. Opposites are fine if you are both comfortable with it. If not, take time to set your boundaries for you.
Take care. B
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
My ex and I are polar opposites.
Take away the drinking..still polar opposites.
My therapist told me once that the things that draw a person to another, can later on be the things that drive you away.
i.e. I initally was drawn to the fact that my ex was not materialistic and showy..I began to hate that he was lazy and unmotivated.
I initally was drawn to his free spirit and ability to move and work in any place...I began to hate his lack of responsibility and roots.
I was initally swept up in his 'undying love' for me...that became the deal breaker..his obsession with jealousy and controling my activities was not a blissful arrangement after a few years.
Towards the end Sophia I felt similar..no passion, but compassion. That eventually turned to complete indifference.
Im rambling, but sometimes its about recovery changes in a relationship and sometimes its just about people changing. Either way, is the way it is a way you are ok with, even if nothing changes?
Take away the drinking..still polar opposites.
My therapist told me once that the things that draw a person to another, can later on be the things that drive you away.
i.e. I initally was drawn to the fact that my ex was not materialistic and showy..I began to hate that he was lazy and unmotivated.
I initally was drawn to his free spirit and ability to move and work in any place...I began to hate his lack of responsibility and roots.
I was initally swept up in his 'undying love' for me...that became the deal breaker..his obsession with jealousy and controling my activities was not a blissful arrangement after a few years.
Towards the end Sophia I felt similar..no passion, but compassion. That eventually turned to complete indifference.
Im rambling, but sometimes its about recovery changes in a relationship and sometimes its just about people changing. Either way, is the way it is a way you are ok with, even if nothing changes?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
You two sound just like me and my exAH. We complemented each other very well for many years; until the drinking and his controlling/"rules" started up and then took off over the top.
Actually; this is why he said he divorced me after 30yrs (and moved out earlier because to the kids,too). His way or the highway.......and he stopped helping around the house or doing things with and for the kids.
Actually; this is why he said he divorced me after 30yrs (and moved out earlier because to the kids,too). His way or the highway.......and he stopped helping around the house or doing things with and for the kids.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: NOR CAL
Posts: 70
Hi Sophia
It may not have to do with his recovery, but his personality. I think opposites attract, but don't do well together long term. He wants you to do things HIS way, confrontational, angry, controlling...that's the way he will always be. My husband is similar, problems with neighbors, recycle bin placement (LOL), has no problem argueing in public, can care less what others think...they like conflict. We, on the other hand, enjoy peace, like to keep up appearances, and avoid conflict. These are major differences, opposite personalities, and can make for a very unhappy life. Sorry, I have no advise to offer, I can simply relate so much to your situation. Hang in there, and try to do what makes YOU happy (like relaxing after a long work week, while he complains)....don't compromise, stay true to yourself, he'll never change and will always find something to complain about.
It may not have to do with his recovery, but his personality. I think opposites attract, but don't do well together long term. He wants you to do things HIS way, confrontational, angry, controlling...that's the way he will always be. My husband is similar, problems with neighbors, recycle bin placement (LOL), has no problem argueing in public, can care less what others think...they like conflict. We, on the other hand, enjoy peace, like to keep up appearances, and avoid conflict. These are major differences, opposite personalities, and can make for a very unhappy life. Sorry, I have no advise to offer, I can simply relate so much to your situation. Hang in there, and try to do what makes YOU happy (like relaxing after a long work week, while he complains)....don't compromise, stay true to yourself, he'll never change and will always find something to complain about.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
Thank you all so much for your replies..it's really reassuring to know there are others like me out there and I'm not just a big fool for picking someone who's so different to me.
We do share views, morals and basic stuff like that but I think a lot of his differences are nothing to do d with his being an A, like someone said, that's his personality and some are, like his immaturity and a sort of 'learned helplessness' when it comes to anything to do with finances or stuff breaking down in the house or going wrong with the car.
I look after all that cos I've found out if I don't it doesnt get done, bills don't get paid and so it's the only way I can feel secure, though it irritates me.
It took a while for me to see all this, and I was swept away by the 'undying love' and charm. I felt sort of embarrassed after I posted, like I was plonked on the pity pot determined to feel sorry for myself. Well, I made the choice to marry him, I ignored the red flags of our differing personalities, and I'm sure I'm no angel to live with either.
Both of us lived alone for a long time and got set in our ways. I find it very hard accommodating another person all the time...but I take your advice, I have to stay true to myself, not always give in to keep the peace.
I had to laugh, tho, pennypoo, when you said about the neighbours...my Rh always has some issue with them and likes nothing better than a good old bust-up over trivial, silly things. He has this idea that people disrespect him if they don't greet him, whereas I'd just think, oh, they didn't see me or have something on their minds and not let it bother me. Life is too flippin' short for this sort of silly drama...but he thrives on it. Same story with his colleagues in work.
Having said that he is a good man, has worked hard at his recovery and has a very kind heart. I just don't feel 'in love' with him anymore or anyway much attracted to him. Life is so busy and there's always so much to do I can't be sure what my true feelings for him are. Yet he's the first person I'd turn to if something happened.
This is coming up now cos I'm tired, need a break and we have a family wedding tomorrow and the house must remain immaculate for the entire weekend (try that with a 14 year old and dog trailing about) cos of visitors. Just the thought makes me tired.
Thank you for your support and fellow feeling so so much
Sophia
x
We do share views, morals and basic stuff like that but I think a lot of his differences are nothing to do d with his being an A, like someone said, that's his personality and some are, like his immaturity and a sort of 'learned helplessness' when it comes to anything to do with finances or stuff breaking down in the house or going wrong with the car.
I look after all that cos I've found out if I don't it doesnt get done, bills don't get paid and so it's the only way I can feel secure, though it irritates me.
It took a while for me to see all this, and I was swept away by the 'undying love' and charm. I felt sort of embarrassed after I posted, like I was plonked on the pity pot determined to feel sorry for myself. Well, I made the choice to marry him, I ignored the red flags of our differing personalities, and I'm sure I'm no angel to live with either.
Both of us lived alone for a long time and got set in our ways. I find it very hard accommodating another person all the time...but I take your advice, I have to stay true to myself, not always give in to keep the peace.
I had to laugh, tho, pennypoo, when you said about the neighbours...my Rh always has some issue with them and likes nothing better than a good old bust-up over trivial, silly things. He has this idea that people disrespect him if they don't greet him, whereas I'd just think, oh, they didn't see me or have something on their minds and not let it bother me. Life is too flippin' short for this sort of silly drama...but he thrives on it. Same story with his colleagues in work.
Having said that he is a good man, has worked hard at his recovery and has a very kind heart. I just don't feel 'in love' with him anymore or anyway much attracted to him. Life is so busy and there's always so much to do I can't be sure what my true feelings for him are. Yet he's the first person I'd turn to if something happened.
This is coming up now cos I'm tired, need a break and we have a family wedding tomorrow and the house must remain immaculate for the entire weekend (try that with a 14 year old and dog trailing about) cos of visitors. Just the thought makes me tired.
Thank you for your support and fellow feeling so so much
Sophia
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