"structured" seperation
 

i talked to the counselor last night and this is what she suggested. what do you guys think of this idea? have you done it? how did it work?

she said that both you and ah have to agree to it. you agree to have no contact for a certain agreed upon period of time. e.i. three months, 6 months... and in that time you do not talk or communicate in ANY way and you agree not to "bump" into each other or anything else for that period of time.

you also agree not to date anyone else during that period of time.

at the end of that time you come together and talk about it.

of course, i talked to ah about it last night and he is having none of it. he doesn't think it is a good idea. i also think cutting the umbilical cord is also good!

i proceeded to tell him EXACTLY were i stand and, at this point, i do think it is a good idea. we had a very blunt good conversation with each other.

i

What happens at the end of that time period???

Excellent question chero.

I think what was proposed is an excellent idea if it has some sort of criteria as to where he is at in his sobriety.

I think it's a great idea; but what is most important is that YOU do. Since he doesn't, what will you do now?

What is the purpose of this action?
If he will talk with the counselor I think would be a better option.
If "you" need this as a boundary because his behaviors require such a boundary then I would say it is a good idea. If the counselor is trying to use this action as a manipulation to achieve a certain outcome... well a codie is a codie and trying to set someone up so they find their bottom doesn't work. (even if the codie is a counselor)

Only two reason why we should do anything...
It is the right thing to do and we need to do it for self.

I have seen couples do this.... some sucessful and some not....

The question should be about what you need and want. Take a look at your motives and make sure they are really the right thing for you.

I'm a little bit confused at some of the responses. Isn't no contact a good thing?
And wouldn't it be easier of both sides agreed to it? Of course if he won't agree well that's different.

I think it's a great idea. I'm just wondering what your counselor is hoping it will accomplish? Are you hoping to get a clear head and time to think without him distracting you?

Keep us posted Hope!
(((HOPE)))

good replies
 

chero, at the end of the agreed upon period you get together and "talk" about it. i think it is all controlled by the counselor. personally, i think, if you are still drinking then there is nothing to talk about.

taz, yes, i believe some sort of criteria as to where he is at in sobriety would be essential and i think this would be an excellant way to see where he is truly at. when he asked me why last night - i told him because he has some decisions to make.

best, i think this is exactly what the counselor is trying to achieve. once again, the A's have nailed it! leave it to an A to pick up on the motive. i told this to taz, but you guys are more real than i think we can ever be a lot of the times.

i think what she is saying is "time to s@@@ or get off the pot"

i don't have expectations of it except that it is what is needed.

ah was pretty somber about the whole thing last night. he saw i was serious and i laid it out there for him - what was the "acceptable" is not acceptable anymore. he knows that. last night was the first time in a long time that we actually had a conversation where both of us were listening.

Chero I think no contact is a great thing, I just wondered what the ultimate purpose of what is being suggested is?

I have to say after thinking about it, his response to this seems as though he is really saying "Hey that is crazy, how are you supposed to help me drink if we do that?"

lol -yep taz
 

it was funny to see how fast the man that less than a week ago was pounding his fist on the table telling me that "he was not going to stop drinking - that was that!" started backtracking last night...

I'm with Chero on the confusion.

I can hear the little codie voice in me going, "oh ya, present this to your A, he'll go for it. " In his mind since there is no contact now, he see the relationship as done. if I present this, he will see it as an opportunity

Highly personliazed and unkown answer for most of us.

Ok, I'll be totally honest. I read this "concept" and had hope. Then I asked myself, "how do I move on with this "contract" hanging over my head?". I know me, I'd be marking the days on the calendar till the agreed upon timeframe was up, then anticipating hte "regrouping". Not sure I could handle the outcome :(

Was the counselor trying to acheive you making a boundry Hope, or "forcing" your A to "shi* or get off the pot?"

Geez, I was having a pretty good day too,,,LOL

Peace

A good thing when they are actively drinking or filled with anger.
If proper, progressive communication is there, there is no need to stop contact.
When drinking or angry I would say what I want and most times not say what is truth. I wouldn't remember what i said to any great degree either...nor would I hear or remember what others had to say. Communication at such a point was futile and would only get both parties upset...no contact is the better choice at such a time.


Hope

In my opinion...
Separation is a needed boundary "at times" When there is a physical danger or when the emotional danger gets to a point that such is needed. I see it as a boundary of last resort. If communication *and progress* are being made... I would encourage counseling together to increase the progress.
You know your needs and I hope that the counselor can and did recognize a point of impasse before suggesting a separation.
As said..my opinion.
You would know better then me what your needs are.
Thing with setting boundaries...we need follow through with them so set them wisely.

Sometimes it's just a cigar. How about the counselor has no ulterior motive but is suggesting breathing room? It isn't always about getting the alcoholic sober.

hey CE
 

she explained it well. she said it is also hard to get couples to agree to it. i think the very important thing is that you are doing it for the right reasons (yourself) WITH NO EXPECTATIONS. i don't think you can go into it with the mindset of the outcome, because you don't know what it will be. you have to simply do it because it is what needs to be done.

i'm with you on the moving on with a contract over your head. i think a big part of me would just want to move on.

yes denny, breathing room for me ;)

Sure does make one day at a time and daily choices more available.

My husband and I did something similar. For me, it was definitely about 'breathing room.' Rather than making a decision to stay or go, it was a period of time to reflect, observe, and then decide. And, keep in mind, that you can always change your mind. Nothing is set in stone, and you are absolutely allowed to do what is best for you at ANY time. :)

L

DUH ok, you guys sometimes I can be a little DENSE,,I get it,,

Denny, I LOVE your one liners.

Of course Hope's counselor would want to help HER any way possible. After all, it is ALL about Hope, not the Dope ;)

Wow, that rymed. I could have some hidden poet in there

Ok, so no contract for me :(

he,he,he

Back to my good day :)

Peace

It's a great idea to get breathing room like Denny said.

Is there anyway for you to take time away from him even if he doesn't agree to it?

I'm starting to see some benefits of time away, myself. It's like the fog starts to lift and I can almost think and see clearly.

ahahaha..or what? she puts you in marrage therapy jail?

Oh yes there is..you can searate from your husband whether or not he thinks its a good idea. Mine didnt think it was a real hot plan either..but it wasnt about what he thought was a good idea...Id spent years trying it his way.. It was and it is my life :)