denny57

It isn't giving up, it's letting go and turning it over. There is a difference.

What About Me, I have been where you are emotionally. I went through a terror phase and I came to an acceptance that AH's path is what it is meant to be. I cannot alter it. I'm not that powerful. That is not meant as a defeatist point of view. I truly believe he will recover if it's meant to be. I, too, went through a similar situation with my father, including the decision on ending life support. My dad also fought against his disease, cancer, until his absolute last breath. I thought that was very different from AH, but it is not.

Though AH is not choosing a path (recovery) that I believe is best for him, he is living the life of his choosing. I believe that everyone, addict or not, commits an act of bravery every day just by putting their feet on the floor and getting on with the business of living. It's heartbreaking to watch someone die right in front of me; but I don't feel guilt about it. He is doing the best he can right now; so am I.

I truly feel for you; I do remember that terror feeling like it was yesterday. Be kind to you. ((()))

CE Girl

But, isn't that the difference Denny?

Your dad was not living the life of his choosing was he?

My husband wasn't living the life of his choosing. I know that.

They could not keep their diseases at bay.

I am truly baffled by this? I watched my husband take every treatment known to man. His love of life, kept him WANTING to live.

I watch my A build the biggest pity pot I've ever seen. Poor him, no one understands, yadda, yadda, yadda, and take NO treatment to keep his disease at bay.

Or am I sinplifying it too much?

Is part of the disease of alcoholism the inability to see what's needed to keep it at bay?

Peace

newenglandgirl

I have many days when I also feel tremendous worry and sadness for my AH. Those images of them dying and suffering alone are beyond terrible. I don't know how else to give myself comfort but to constantly remind myself that there is help available if he wants to end the nightmare. I don't know what else to tell myself. It's just a tragic situation.

I felt more guilt in the "beginning"....but less now, as I realize there's just nothing I can do for him. Like you, I tried so hard to get him help. What else can we do? There's no other option but for us to move on and pick up the pieces.

kglast

Is part of the disease of alcoholism the inability to see what's needed to keep it at bay?


I am thinking yes, CE....

WAM (((()))) to you....I am so sorry for your pain....

chero

Oh What, I sobbed as I read through this thread. I told my AH the other day that of all the things he has accomplished in his life, if he continues on the the path he is on he will only be remembered for being an alcoholic.

I'm so sorry I said that. I know it was true but he knew it without me telling him. You are doing the right thing by letting go, just remember Jason the way he was before alcohol.

I'm praying for you both.

jennchip

I am so sorry. I will be praying for you. Take care of yourself. You deserve so much more.

denny57

I believe we all live the life of our choosing. No one "chooses" to get cancer or any other disease. But I can choose how to live my life, every day, up until the day I die. Truth is, I'm going to die - no getting around that, much as I'd like to. My dad DID live the life of his choosing. That's what I'm trying to do. Make the right choices for my life. And accepting everyone else is doing the same.

MsGolightly

i would say yes... that their brain tells them two different things, and the push is often to reach for that next drink instead of picking up the phone to find out where a meeting is. in my opinion, the desire and hunger for alcohol totally clouds any rationality they have left in them. what's important is that next drink, and they just can't see anything beyond that.

newenglandgirl

My therapist once said something really simple to me that has given me comfort as I deal with the loss of my AH as he used to be...

all she said was: "it's to be expected that you'll feel sad for a while, that's natural".

That line rings through my head from time to time...I know it's not profound, but for some reason it hit home for me...

It's just normal to feel so sad when you watch someone get so mentally and physically ill and you can't do anything about it.

DesertEyes

Having been on both sides of that particular fence I can share a little of my own experience.

When I was drinking I _knew_ that I was destroying my own life. Many people tried to help me, but I was too arrogant, proud and spiteful. I'd show _them_ who was smarter. I ended up living in a trash dumpster, thinking I was better than the wino's in the gutter cuz I had a "roof" over my head. I had no "inabilities". I was perfectly aware of what I was doing, just too full of self-will and pride to admit it. As long as I could find _somebody_, anybody, who I could fool or manipulate into "covering" for me I did.

Eventually I ran out of enablers and I was forced to I give up the arrogance. I was able to accept the help I had refused for so long and now I have a life that is happy, joyous and free just like it says in the Big Book of AA.

The people who walked away from me when I was actively in my disease gave me the most help. They are the ones who forced me to face my own shortcomings. I respect their strength and am eternally grateful. Those whom I took advantage of were kind, but uneducated, souls who deserved far better than I gave.

I know today that the best help I can offer my pill-addicted ex-wife is to not enable her again. If she ever calls me wanting a meeting I'll gladly tell her what numbers to call. In the meantime I will continue to strengthen my own recovery in both AA and al-anon. I will continue to make myself a better person and be an example of how this program works. I never know who may benefit from my repeating the words I have heard from those wiser than me.

My life goes on, and so does my ex-wife's. She has chosen her path and I have chosen mine. I will always remember the wonderful woman I married, and the great times we had together. I will use that memory to inspire me to do better today, so that I may have as happy a future as the past once was. I have let my wife go, so that she is free to choose her own destiny. I have also let _me_ go so that I can also be free to choose my own destiny.

Mike