why do I want him back?
 

Why do I keep remembering the good times, only?
Why do I keep making excuses for his bad behavior (including email flirting with other women?)
Why am I so angry that he can be so functional as a functional addict - maybe he is right, maybe I am just not "cool" enough to party and do pot?
Why do I keep hoping that he will crash and burn and change and come back?

I wonder if he ever really loved me or if I am really any different than his previous f**ck buddy. I want someone to tell me that I did mean something (alot) to him, but his actions show that he clearly chose alcohol and his pot/addict buddies over me.

How do all of you deal with these kinds of thoughts and feelings?

wow, i have those feelings all the time!

i'm starting to allow myself only a few seconds to think about my ex, and then i force myself to move on. i come here, i read, i pop in a movie, i'm even learning to cook! i'm trying to make myself better, and not someone who obsesses over someone who just isn't obsessing over me.

i can't say i'm not hurt. i'd love to say that my ex hasn't moved onto someone else so quickly, but that's not true. i'd love to say that she's alone and miserable, but again, not true. it's hard not to be effected by all of that, but i'm just at the point that i can't dwell on it anymore. it's starting to kill me inside.

i know that i'm going to meet someone else that will love me more than my ex ever did. but in order to get there, i'm working on myself and doing things that i enjoy doing. and i'm not thinking about her, hardly at all the past few days. definitely not like it used to be!

he loved you. he's just sick.

You're in a tough place gns.

I recently broke through an anger streak that was blazing a path that could've lit up a black hole. I did a lot of work on myself to get through it and get some of the answers to the questions you ask.

My biggest accomplishment and goal I have yet to fullfill - give myself my own complete and whole self validation - To not second guess my instincts and to get my behind out of the denial I was feeding myself that gave me bogus reasons to stay.

I don't want him back any more. I might miss a few things - but I don't want him back. I look forward to my future now. I feel like i'm finding myself all over again and it's exciting.

gns - sorry for your pain....i am struggling too...but from what i keep reading here, if we stick to our no contact boundry and keep pushing forward, and educating ourselves...things will eventually get better...i do believe that one day i will turn the corner and no longer look back...i just hope it comes sooner rather than later!!! at least it is summer time now and lots to do - lots more distractions than in the dead of winter. hang in there and keep reading and posting!

You remember the good things because you are looking for validation and comfort. At least that is what I think it is for me. I need to know I wasn't stupid for giving him myself, my trust, my love, my hope and that I was a little more important. Addicts don't think like non-addicts. That is hard to remember and comprehend. What seems red to us can seem black to them. I miss my A too sometimes. Now however, I have seperated those good times to someone that doesn't exist anymore. I can also think of 10 bad things for every one good that comes from the person that I know now.
It will get easier, hang in there, stick with us, we will help you. Hugs.

Sometimes it's not just the addiction. Sometimes it is just how a person is.

Many go from relationship to relationship, sex is what they want, not committment. It is the conquest, something to brag about to their buddies.

In either case, addiction or just being a jerk, or a combination of the two, it is a character flaw, one that leaves nothing but hurt in it's wake.

Healing takes time, it is hard to face the truth, "This is not working". Keep your resolve, make new memories, get out, circulate, make new friends.

Perhaps we should ask why do we want the A back in our life?

There are a few good posts here on this subject. But for everyone who has been on the receiving end there is a reason(s) why he/she is on that receiving end. It's not a nice place for us to be.

For me I started asking myself why am I getting all this crap? What am I doing to deserve this? What am I getting out of this negative unhealthy relationship. Why do I accept this? Why Why Why?

There is always a reason why a person stays with an A and there is always something we are getting out of it. It's not easier to look at the truth of ourselves. It's NOT NORMAL to be in a relationship like this - it's not a real relationship - it's an abuse fest - for both parties.

For me it's a party I don't want to be part of. For me there is so much more to life than loosing myself to another person. Karen

For me, it's accepting the fact that the good memories I have aren't really true. I kidded myself for so long that our life was normal, and now when I look back on our good times, I try to remind myself that I'm now kidding as to how good they really were. You know, things thing fondly reminicing about a family trip we took. Then I stop and make myself think about how nervous I was in the restaurant that he would embarrass us because he was drunk. Or remembering how I had to distract the kids periodically so he could go for a walk in the woods to get stoned. Oh, yeah, and how about the dreaded fear he'd get caught and I'd have to explain to the kids why daddy was arrested?

I struggled with this, too.

Though I became very sick in the relationship, I did not die. I realize now that I DID have good times and my good memories ARE true. So what if AH spent every vacation out in pubs and bars, or on the balcony or porch drinking? I was out discovering different cities, different cultures, different people. If we were at a fun party or get together, I DID enjoy the people, though I could count on AH to to cap it off with a drunk one-sided argument.

I guess what I'm getting at is I needed to understand that nothing is black and white. Nothing. I do not have to negate the actual good times I had, even though many of them were a bit or a lot tainted by AH's drinking.

Where I got into trouble was thinking WE were having a good time - I was frantically trying to convince myself that he was enjoying OUR life, or should I say MY fantasy life - when all he really wanted to do was drink. I spent far too many years trying to make him see he didn't really want to just drink. But he did. He is who he is, and I owed, and owe, it to myself to find someone who wants to share a life with me, not have me shove my vision of life down their throat.

You're absolutely right! I did have some good times.... he just wasn't the part of those times I told myself he was. Now I'm beginning to realize I can have those same good times without him...because he was never really there to begin with.

Thank you all for your replies. They are so helpful! I also love that this site and all of you are so responsive!

I am coming to realize that I need to be valued by my ex. I need to special somehow, more important than the email fliratations and others because for some reason I sink into absolute despair (worthlessness?) when I think I may not be/am not special to him. I guess therein is my lack of worth, lack of loving myself.

This seems to be a universal theme for codependents - any advice, suggestions or thoughts are greatly appreciated

You need to be a "Special Someone" to you, your value of you comes from within, no one can give that to you.

You plant a seed within you, you nurture it, and, it grows into a flower, one that all sees as beautiful. A beautiful flower demands respect and is desired by all.

Plant that seed and watch it grow, you will see a change in how others treat you, because you will now demand the respect and love you are entitled to.

This thread is just simply awesome.
I have saved and printed. So inspirational.