I Read The Letter (finally)

Old 05-28-2007, 04:28 PM
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I Read The Letter (finally)

I am going to post the letter here from XAF to my 7 year old son - please give me your honest feedback...here goes:

Hey (insert name), I miss ya buddy. I'm sorry we haven't seen each other lately. I want you to know I love you big guy, and I always will. I will always love your mother too. Please understand this is all my fault and I'm sorry, really sorry. Your mother is an excellent woman and I'm a bonehead. But this bonehead thinks you two are very special. Be nice, and take care of your mother. I'll see you someday - I miss you and love you, (insert name)

I have not read this to my son and quite frankly, don't know what to make of it. Is he accepting responsibility finally?? Or just quacking and trying to manipulate? I am trying ( somewhat unsuccessfully ) not to read between the lines as I know I can't listen to his words anymore - only actions.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks and love to you all....
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Old 05-28-2007, 04:51 PM
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I read some genuine regret mixed in with major manipulation. He's saying these things to you by saying them to son. If it were my call I'd see that the child got the message (and be prepared for talking and some tears too). I don't know the whole sitch tho ...
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Old 05-28-2007, 04:51 PM
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kg, what does your son already know about the situation?

(and this isn't HIS biological son, correct?)
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Old 05-28-2007, 05:05 PM
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kg - I'd have to agree with wantsout

Remorse with manipulation. i've heard somthing similar from my ex when I kicked him out. It didn't stop him from doing it all over again.
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Old 05-28-2007, 05:11 PM
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ITFM - you are correct - it is NOT his biological son but they became very close while we were together. my son does not know he is an alcoholic and only saw him drunk once or twice over the past year - my son goes with his dad every other weekend so his time with XAF was minimized. he only knows that we had a major disagreement and we are taking some time apart. i have told him more recently that i didn't think we were going to be able to work things out - of course, he doesn't understand why and i am not getting into alcoholism, etc with a 7 year old.
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Old 05-28-2007, 05:13 PM
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I think your son will find peace in these words. I don't think it so much how an adult interprets a letter but instead the interpretation your son will have of it. I think it's important for him to hear those words.
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Old 05-28-2007, 05:25 PM
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i would share the letter with your son, and not look at it beyond that. it's clear that he cares for him, and wants him to feel some closure on your relationship, but i think it's also evident that he is trying to manipulate you.
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Old 05-28-2007, 05:56 PM
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he is calling now - twice in the last 15 mins....have not answered, but almost wanted to due to reading damn letter...stupid manipulation!!! he probably can't believe i haven't called since he mailed the letter ( 5/19) - i just retrieved it from the mailbox today. i also was in the area where we spent most of our time together today - but brought a friend who would keep me on track - i am proud to say i survived it without having a breakdown.

am i crazy to hope and pray that he is on the way to his bottom????? this is so hard!!!!!!!
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Old 05-28-2007, 06:13 PM
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you're not crazy

you love him, and you want him to get his life on track, soon!

i'm very impressed that you didn't answer the phone! you're stronger than you think you are
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Old 05-28-2007, 06:21 PM
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thanks ITFM - he did leave voice mails this time and i did listen - drinking and blaming again...so much for hoping he is near ready to stop!!!!!!!!
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Old 05-28-2007, 06:25 PM
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oh - just got the 2nd voice mail - crying and sniffling into the phone " i miss you baby....i miss you so much"..."don't do this....how could you cut off all communication???"..."please don't do this...." sniff, sniff....end of message. GOOD GRIEF!!!!!
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Old 05-28-2007, 06:46 PM
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and a duck goes...

Hang in there kg - you can do this!
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Old 05-28-2007, 07:00 PM
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thanks cage....i will. i notice that whenever i begin to feel weak, i get a ridiculous message like this...i like to believe it is my HP, reminding me to keep plodding along...and letting me know that no matter what my fantasies are, he is still just doing the same old thing...knowing that does make it easier to put one foor in front of the other....
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Old 05-28-2007, 07:22 PM
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It's amazing...I can always sense when I'm about to get a text/voicemail from AH. Usually when I'm having a soft moment...and I'm thinking how sorry I am that he is in that "cage" of addiction and maddness. These A's have an intense connection with their "supporters". Telepathic/sixth sense - whatever it is.

That letter seems sweet (and SO sad) KG. But I'm no expert when it comes to child psychology. It seems healthy that he is making clear that it is not your fault, since I know that children often get confused on why parents break up. I didn't like the part about "see you someday". That didn't sit well with me. It seems a bit manipulative. He could have said "well, I look forward to seeing you because you are such a great kid...", or something.
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Old 05-28-2007, 07:31 PM
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thanks NEG - i agree....and why does he think he will see him someday....that was the part i had the toughest time with too. of course, i hope it means he plans to get sober - but clearly that is not the case. and yes, i agree - there is a certain sixth sense - very strong connection. we have always had that.
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Old 05-29-2007, 08:18 AM
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" i miss you baby....i miss you so much"..."don't do this....how could you cut off all communication???"..."please don't do this...." sniff, sniff
We got alkie TWINS KG,,,,

One thing I am learning, even though ALL the good people on SR have tried to tell me, no contact does not mean you won't see the A's actions. I used to worry, if I have no contact, how will I know if he's recovering,,,DUH!!! If I have o contact and HE has no contact, that would be the SIGN!! That he is working on himself, as I work on me. And isn't that all we want? At least now. Given enough time maybee we'll want MORE =. Now theres a thought

As far as the letter. I agree with most, part regret a GREAT deal of manipulation. You know your son and his relationship with your A best. Go with your instincts.

By the way, you got GREAT class lady. Realizing your son is 7 years old and only giving him the information you feel he can handle. Thats unselfish and an example of TRUE parenting. My hats off to you

Peace
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Old 05-29-2007, 08:32 AM
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KG (((Hugs)))

I agree that it sounds partially remorse and part manipulation! It sounds as if you are doing the right thing by holding off until you can handle dealing with the situation but, I think others are right it is a good idea for him to know what is going on to the degree you feel comfortable with. It is a difficult situation when a child is inovolved.

My XA use to use his son (4 years old) who totally ADORED me! He even showed up at a store one time (following me of course) with his son and his son was hugging my leg and saying "I miss you" etc....I had tears in my eyes kissed him and turned to my X and said "you are a real A-hole" he was like huh? Nice really nice the kid loves you.....Grrrrrrrrrrr just got me so angry-my situation is different because it was his son not mine-I wished I could have said goodbye to his son-

Keep your head up your doing some amazing parenting there!
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Old 05-29-2007, 09:28 AM
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One thing I've learned on this journey is that there is a wide open space between AH "getting it" and AH being able to do something about it. So, KG, even if he is accepting responsibility, what does that do for you?

Best wishes.
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Old 05-29-2007, 09:53 AM
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Oh yea he is pulling a master manipulation, but if he is still drinking, he is still not thinking, and this old drunk feels that you are doing the best thing, first for you and your son, and second for him.

As you need to take care of your problems with out him, he needs to deal with his alone. No contact is the best way to go.
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Old 05-29-2007, 05:35 PM
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thank you so much for the honesty and assistance with interpreting that letter! i had kind of a rough day today, but had a chat with a friend after work that helped put things in perspective - she said that any contact from me would only hinder him getting to his bottom and enable him to keep drinking. i really think (duh) he is JUST NOW realizing i am not coming back!

and thanks for the pats on the back for parenting...my son is my number one priority and has been since the day he was born. i will not allow him to be hurt by xaf drinking...thanks again!
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