sad#3

How much does AA help?

newenglandgirl

Hey there Sad.

Well, from what I've read here it is a life-saver for many, many alcoholics.

But they all say, too, that the person has to WANT to surrender and really give up drinking. There is no magic bullet.

There's no set path addicts take towards recovery: each one's journey differs. For some, the battle can go on for years and years. Some never quit. And some quit after just one try. I think it's different for each person. Think about people you know who've quit smoking...some just quit, over, kaput...some go back and forth for years...and some never are able to give it up.

I know what it's like to want to believe so bad that your loved one is going to be able to stop drinking. But you can't control it. You can't control what happens.

sad#3

Well I had an addiction to looking at porn on the internet and now I don't because if she catches me, I know how hurt she'll be and I'll probably get caught so I just don't do it, even though I did it every day for years. So, in effect she did control me on that addiction, so I think we have more influence than what I'm hearing. Of course, each individual case is different.

sad#3

So they can be attending AA nearly every day and still be drinking? Do they require them to be honest about it at meetings and are they honest? Because they sure aren't at home.

dollydo

Drinking and meetings=no success...means the person does not embrace recovery, just going thru the steps not absorbing and not committed to recovery. Probably doing it to appease someone else.

Being sober means no substances. He won't get sober unless he is ready, doesn't sound like he is ready.

CE Girl

I'm not sure the A does it to appease others as Dolly said, but then again, no ones more convincing than an A who fuels your hope with talk of recovery.

I don't know if you ever attended an AA meeting, but might I suggest you try one? I've been to open meetings with my A, and can tell you, some people in attendance are not all that "sober". In fact, I know of times my A went to meetings after drinking. If you know about the disease, there is a point in the "progression" of the disease where the A has to drink to appear/feel "normal"

AA helps many people. Those committed to their OWN recovery. It's mearly a tool, if used correctly can reinforce and support the A's OWN determination to get well. Much like us codies find our own "tools" for our recovery.

Unfortunatly, the only way to tell if AA, is workng is through time and detachment. Allowing the A to navigate the road to recovery and see if its working

In my expereince, my A went to AA meetings faithfully during each sobriety attempt. Gradually and naturally his attendance fell off. It started with "excuses". I don't like the Mon, Tues, Wed, night meetings. He would go Thurs, Fri and Sat.

Picking and choosing didn't work for him. Eventually he began the ole, "AA doesn't work" speach and we'd be off and running again with the usual pattern.

I've learned, as many say here, ACTION, not words

Peace

WhatAboutME

My AH has gone to AA meetings after drinking and he has drank after going to an AA meeting. It's not the meeting, it's him. He is not ready to stop drinking yet. He goes to the meeting to put forth some effort to the outside world, so he can say he's "trying". When the A is truly ready to surrender to alcoholism, I would imagine that AA meetings would be wonderful and an invaluable tool in their recovery. It's support, fellowship, a meeting of "like" people - People who really understand each other.

Like you said, alcoholics are individuals. But no matter what, we have no control over their drinking. An alcoholic is not going to stop drinking for the fear of getting caught. They just won't. If friends and families had any control of the alcoholic's drinking, there wouldn't be so many of us here in such despair over trying to have (unsuccessfully) controlled someone's drinking.

sad, I would suggest you read the book "Getting them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. It really shows "us" how we can step back and effectively help the alcoholic into recovery by getting out of their way. It was a real eye-opener for me.

TexasGirl

From what I understand, an addiction to something like pornography can also be a very serious problem, but I think, and this is just TG thinking here, but I think that because it lacks the physiological component of a substance abuse issue, they remain different. What I mean is that while you might have had a psychological addiction to porn, your fear of getting caught was more important that the lure was. With alcoholism, it becomes a physiological need. Their brains become re-wired to feel a need to drink to survive. Quitting feels unnatural. Blood cells laden with alcohol scream out for more. It becomes much more than a habit. Now again, I'm just a marketing and PR girl....no medical experience whatsoever, but I think I've read that before.

As for whether AA will help, like you've already read on the replies thus far, it is only as good as the attendee's intention. Some go to appease. Others go to fulfill court-ordered requirements. Some go to prove to themselves that they are not like the others around them. Some say they go but actually use the time away from home to do something else. Some go to quit.

How will you know? Most simply put, actions not words.

kglast

May i suggest reading Under the Influence??? Very eye opening for me just how serious alcoholism really is....best wishes.

denny57

I know Al-Anon has done wonders for me.

newenglandgirl

I agree with what the others have already said.

But also I think you're touching upon something, SAD, that is also a HUGE factor: individual strengths and character.

Some people are just able to give things up. Period. Some are not. Think about any addiction...some people can just deal and quit. While for others, it's a life-long battle.

Science has yet to find a pill that can induce this personality trait in someone who does not have it.

When we start pondering the character/personality factor we start getting into murky waters...we, as humans, just don't know a whole lot about why some people react one way, and others react another.

Take for example...

The people out there who grew up in poverty and were terribly abused, yet grew up to be successful, loving, good citizens.

And then the people who grew up with kind, loving parents who went to good schools and then went on to become mean, bitter slugs that never do anything good.

I've put a lot of thought into why my AH can't deal with quitting drinking. I still haven't figured it out. Sometimes I think it's because he's mentally ill from all the years of heavy duty drinking...sometimes I think it's because he simply does not want to give it up and is really not that mentally ill - he's just a slug. I still don't know, and probably won't ever find out.

mushroom

The short answer, but not the one you're looking for: No.

Recovery is one of the hardest things a person can do. Just making the decision to go to meetings is nothing but possibly a start. Many many As 'make' the decision to go just to get us off their backs about their problem. "look honey I'm trying! Now leave me alone!"

My A 'went' to meetings and came home an hour late and drunk. He'd decided to tell me he was going, but he had not committed himself to doing the hard work required of recovery. And from what I hear here, this is very common. As are the As who go to meetings and go through all the motions but are just play acting. I imagine they're fooling even themselves into thinking they're trying but they're not working towards recovery.

You know the expression about leading a horse to water? Keep repeating it to yourself.

Only as much as the A wants it to. Your wants and needs and wishes are irrelevant here, and no you cannot manipulate the A into wanting recovery bad enough to do the work required.

Once again, the short unwanted answer, is No.

How on earth would you require someone to be honest?????

And, As are master playactors, master liers, master manipulators. Even of and to themselves. They can be falling all over drunk, stinking of alcohol, and look you right in the eye and say 'No honey I haven't been drinking, how could you even think that??' and not only expect you to believe it but I think they really believe it themselves too - because they want it to be true.

For some As, the decision to go to AA meetings is the beginning of the (long) road to recovery. For others, it's just another ploy to get people off their back about their drinking. For still others, it's somewhere in between.

denny57

So true - and all the proof I need is how difficult my own has been.

MsGolightly

i agree with everything mushroom stated. my ex had a year of sobriety when we were together, and she didn't go to meetings at all. she changed, she grew, she saw who she wanted to be, she didn't want to disappoint me. i was all she had.

well, the pressure she felt from watching her friends drink, or talk about drinking, led her to relapse. yep, she started going to meetings, and yep, would drink the next day, then attend another meeting, then drink the next day...

meetings don't cure the disease. there is NO cure. sure, your girlfriend might attend a meeting now and again, and it's very possible that she decides not to drink, for however long she can handle it for, but it's just as possible that she'll relapse, again. if she hasn't hit her bottom yet, i see this as being more likely. it took me a long time to admit to myself that my ex just wouldn't do what i wanted her to do. like TG said, it's a disease of the brain, not something that can just be cured by being afraid of being caught. i had to learn that the hard way.

GlassPrisoner

There is no cure. There is no magic pill, there is no magic bullet.

That said, AA is a wonderful program. It literally saved my life. I see miracles every day I go there.

But, the A has to be willing. They have to be willing to do anything to get sober. And, sobriety has to be their first priority.

I was just as stubborn and self-reliant as the others. Probably more so. For me, I had to get to the point where I had no where to go, and no no one to turn to. It was the last house on the block. Thank God I was warmly welcomed.

Nitelite

My experience with my folks in AA and NA is that there are two things at work. First, there's putting down the drink. But there are also dozens of "isms"/character issues and traits, which have to be addressed.
My experience only, but it does seem as though folks who address the personal issues do better than those who (!) only (!) put down the bottle.
It's a genuine disease, "as real as a heart attack" according to one researcher, and just like heart disease, a person has to commit, over and over again, to health, and especially examine why he or she would choose to be sick, at the cost of family and sanity.
Not easy.
Al-anon has been an unexpected lifesaver for me, partly because it has helped me see how a group of people trying to be honest and sharing experiences can be such a powerful ally.

hugs & hope to you ~~ nitelite

minnie

I can show you plenty of posts on here by my ex when he was going to meetings when he sensed I was about to leave and shortly afterwards. He had everyone fooled, even me for a time. That was in late 2004/early 2005. A couple of months ago, he was hospitalised with seizures, which he tried to blame on the stress I was putting him through. Needless to say, I didn't buy it as I know he is still drinking. I reckon that a problem drinker would go to any lengths to ensure that his enablers stayed on board - and sitting in a room for an hour with a cup of coffee must be one of the easiest and cheapest ways of doing that.

How are your al-anon meetings going?

sad#3

[QUOTE=TexasGirl;1349307.

How will you know? Most simply put, actions not words.[/QUOTE]With alcoholism, it becomes a physiological need. Their brains become re-wired to feel a need to drink to survive. Quitting feels unnatural. Blood cells laden with alcohol scream out for more. It becomes much more than a habit. Now again, I'm just a marketing and PR girl....no medical experience whatsoever, but I think I've read that before.

Then how can they ever stop?

sad#3

Well she was supposed to go to her first AA meeting today, but it was an all men's group and she wants to go to an all women's group.... So instead, she came home reeking of alcohol... She is going to destroy herself.

sad#3

How do they hit rock bottom? Mine is very attractive and I imagine she will always be able to find a man to take care of her so she may never hit rock bottom.