loveRoy

Today I am beginning a new journey, crossing a new bridge. I am going to forgive my AH. Why? If I don't, I will become a bitter, hard hearted person. I have thought about this a lot and talked with my HP about this. For me it is the only way that I can survive. Does this mean that he can come home? No. Am I going to tell him? No. Am I still going to practice no contact? Yes. I have to let it all go, give it up. Will I ever forget what my family has been through? No. Is it easy? No. If someone else had posted this a few weeks ago, I would have turned up my nose to the idea. Today, in my heart, I realize that forgiving him will set me free.

MsGolightly

how great, love

i'm not sure i'm at a place where i can forgive for everything right now. i would absolutely love to, and i find it easier to remember, this and that happened while she was drinking, so it's easier for me to forgive. but a lot of stuff happened when she wasn't drinking, what about that? just forgive but not forget? i have a hard time with this!

denny57

(((loveRoy))) I hope it is for you as it is for me: Life is only going to get better.

loveRoy

I know what you mean. I never thought he would lie to me especially when he was sober. It took me a while to get to this point. I guess I am so hoping that by forgiving him, I can move on.

CE Girl

I admire you LoveRoy,,((((()))))

I think the inability to fogive leads to anger. If we don't let go of the anger, it can destroy us.

With that said, I don't know if i can get to the 'forgiveness" stage yet. When I have I think that will mean I truly moved on.

Good for you

Peace

GlassPrisoner

I forgave my ex very early in recovery. Yes, I had a part, a very large one at that, in what went wrong, but she did some really nasty stuff too. Infidelity mostly.

Forgiveness is very important in recovery, for the reasons you mentioned.

The biggest probelm I'm having right now when she does something new. I've forgave the past, but I've gotta go through this every time she doesn't call the kids, or send money to help, etc.

loveRoy

It is so, so hard when children are involved. We have been married for 31 years and have two beautiful daughters. The pain they have endured can't be described. Somehow my girls and I have got to move forward. Gotta stay away from the quicksand. Mind you he has never ask for our forgiveness but that is his problem. There have been days where I wanted him to fall off the face of the Earth. Now that is terrible. Those thoughts and feelings will only lead to my destruction.

GlassPrisoner

If he's not in recovery, don't expect it. I don't. Unreasonable expectations are one of the many things that got me in trouble.

dobiediva

I have forgiven A for everything except his denial but I can't forgive myself just yet for allowing it to continue as long as it has. I'm at the point where I just want him to go away so I have some time to figure out where I want to go from here. Forgiving him is easy. Moving on without him and loving him despite his weaknesses is very very hard.

Pony

Forgiveness is a huge part of recovery. It is for yourself more than for the person that you are forgiving. Forgetting....well, that's a debateable thing. I think putting it behind you and not dwelling on it is a way of forgetting. To forgive and forget is not giving permission for it to happen again in your life. Only you give permission for anyone, your addict, to again hurt you..... by allowing the person in or not holding up the boundries that you set out.

Forgiveness and putting things behind you allows you to move on in life to new and interesting experiences, but with more education and wisdom. The education on the tools to use and the wisdom to use them in the appropriate times.


Nope, it's not easy at all. But the more you put it into practice in your life, the easier it gets.

loveRoy

Glass Prisoner, For years all I have had are unrealistic expectations. I too got into trouble. I now know that he has never been in true recovery. Have learned a lot since joining this board. Once school is out, I will be able to try Alanon.

aztchr

My biggest challenge was learning to forgive myself for not being able to help him change. Also, I had to forgive myself for accepting the unacceptable for too long.

I was harder on myself and felt defeated. It was only until I decided to learn and let go that I was able to move forward for ME.

I hope you will find peace, too.

sugarpup

congratulations loveRoy, you are a strong and amazing person!!

it is interesting that you mentioned that he "never asked for forgiveness", because that is something I yearn for but am starting to realize will never happen. Not only that, I think forgiveness will take away the power they have over us because it is our way of letting them go whether they ask to be forgiven or not, we can simply release them, it can only free us from the pain of hope in a hopeless situation.

I really don't think we can or should ever forget everything, but to forgive can be separate from forgetting, can't it? Maybe we can forgive as a way of putting down our shield of anger, and our sword of vengence, and simply walk away from this battle that will never end...

best

No that is realistic emotions and what I find works best so that this doesn't happen... I find by praying for that person...Lord help him find recovery...I find it easier to get to the point of forgiveness all the faster.

denny57

For me, forgiveness was not an action I took, but almost like a state of grace that came to me while I was, of all things, riding on a train. I'm not sure where it came from, as I don't believe I was even thinking about AH at the time. It has allowed me to deal with what is.