He knows I called the police....
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by dobiediva 
For the last 2 years I've heard the horrible stories of their past together. And now he goes to HER as an ally against me?
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
4 DUIs and he doesn't have a problem? ... man, that just makes me laugh!
Each time he steps in it, the consequences are bigger. Each time, he will shout louder and louder until HE finally figures out that he has to stop shouting and pointing fingers and look to himself for some answers.
What I know from attending Alanon is that I cannot control people, places or things. And trying to "get him to see" is an attempt to control. He knows, some place inside, that this is his. The thing he CANNOT do.... is admit it. yet.
I hope you can find some meetings... they help me very much in seeing what I can ... and cannot.. control.
I wish you the best.
((hugs))
Each time he steps in it, the consequences are bigger. Each time, he will shout louder and louder until HE finally figures out that he has to stop shouting and pointing fingers and look to himself for some answers.
What I know from attending Alanon is that I cannot control people, places or things. And trying to "get him to see" is an attempt to control. He knows, some place inside, that this is his. The thing he CANNOT do.... is admit it. yet.
I hope you can find some meetings... they help me very much in seeing what I can ... and cannot.. control.
I wish you the best.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: ft. bend texas
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by dobiediva
I'm just so upset because up until he spoke to the attorney he was so remorseful and ready to get some help. But then as the magnitude of what happened wore off then it became all about the money he was going to lose. Then he kept bugging me to find out which neighbor called the cops. I asked what difference it made? He said "Because if they wouldn't have called I wouldn't be in this mess. Nobody likes a snitch". I pointed out that if he wasn't driving drunk he wouldn't be in this mess. It became pretty clear to me then that the whole rehab idea was ONLY to shorten his jail time, not because he really wants help. Then when he found out it was ME that called the cops suddenly all of this is all my fault. "Nobody has a problem with my drinking except for you! Nobody else would betray me like this! If you wouldnt' have called them none of this would be happening" Blah blah. He asked why I couldnt' have just asked him to go to rehab or begged him to go to AA (HELLO?! I've done that more times than I could count! He always had an excuse as to why that wouldnt' work and he's already been there-done that!) I told him before if he shows up drunk again I will call the police. That is what I did. He had plenty of warnings. I'm tired of his sh*t!
I told him I don't care if he hates me forever or not. I know I did the right thing in turning him in. If he realizes that someday and gets sober then great. If he continues to blame me for the rest of his life for ruining his life then he will continue to kill himself with alcohol but at least he'll be away from me for a year and I can move on with my life.
I told him I don't care if he hates me forever or not. I know I did the right thing in turning him in. If he realizes that someday and gets sober then great. If he continues to blame me for the rest of his life for ruining his life then he will continue to kill himself with alcohol but at least he'll be away from me for a year and I can move on with my life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
hey dobie girl....been a long time...i've missed you
ok......i think we may have the same man. my xh would carry on just like this. it was always my fault when he broke the law.
hon, they are insane. nothing makes sense in their world. their reasoning is so far off the radar screen that they could never be found by the united states armed services special units. it's all just c-r-a-z-y.
trying to make sense out of their nonsense will drive you nuts.
i went through the same torment, anger, resentment, bewilderment that i am hearing from you right now......it got better only after i totally disconnected myself from his life in every way.
it wasn't easy.....because i thought we had such a true love.....now i see it for what it was. and that wasn't easy either.
but today, i have serenity and peace. now that is priceless. for all else, there is mastercard. grin.
ok......i think we may have the same man. my xh would carry on just like this. it was always my fault when he broke the law.
hon, they are insane. nothing makes sense in their world. their reasoning is so far off the radar screen that they could never be found by the united states armed services special units. it's all just c-r-a-z-y.
trying to make sense out of their nonsense will drive you nuts.
i went through the same torment, anger, resentment, bewilderment that i am hearing from you right now......it got better only after i totally disconnected myself from his life in every way.
it wasn't easy.....because i thought we had such a true love.....now i see it for what it was. and that wasn't easy either.
but today, i have serenity and peace. now that is priceless. for all else, there is mastercard. grin.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: ontario canada
Posts: 28
I agree, you 100% did the RIGHT THING making that call. It is so close to my situation in the DUI department. My A also has 3 previous DUI convictions (2 resulting in jail time, he was allowed to serve weekends in order to maintain his very good job, felt like a "gift" to him, I think it was a mistake by the judge. He should have lost everything and sat dry in a cell for a long straight stint. Instead he kept drinking all week, sobering up on weekends for his "jail time". The only reason it hasnt' cropped up again for us in my opinion is because he lost his car after last DUI, then he met me and is supposedly trying to get sober, and I have never had a car. Often we speak of getting one for me to drive, including taking him to work etc, but I always find a way out of it. Because license or no, if/when he falls off the wagon I am certain he'd hop in the car and at this point I am less worried about consequences to him (they mean nothing to him) but if he drove off in MY car drunk and hurt or killed somebody, I would never be able to live with that!
Stay strong, keep reaffirming the rightness of your decision!!!!!
Stay strong, keep reaffirming the rightness of your decision!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by dobiediva
I think the thing that REALLY bothers me is as soon as he found out it was me he called his ex wife and told her and she started with the "I told you it was her! But NOOOO you thought she could never do something like that to you" story. She called the cops on him and had him arrested TWICE for violating the restraining order SHE had against him. She spent an hour on the phone with me after he was arrested (after refusing to talk to me or even meet me for the last 2 years!!) and told me how he use to beat her and how he cheated on her and how he was a monster blah blah blah. And now suddenly she's his best friend?! This woman has done NOTHING but hurt him, lie to him, blame him for everything that ever went wrong in her life and now SHE is his best friend because I cared enough to take a stand?! That hurts. For the last 2 years I've heard the horrible stories of their past together. And now he goes to HER as an ally against me?
FWIW--you both have probably heard horrible stories about each other ....FROM HIM!!! haha He (and my A) must love that....two codies saving him from the other just when the one gets fed up with his BS and quacking....time to fire-up the other to save him!! That way they are always sure to have someone there to enable them....what a brillant plan. I think lots of these active addicts are on to how nicely this works. (Doesn't have to be 2 women,either but that one probably works the "best"....his mother seems to be a variation that can work if viable. Of course,any codie can work!) Just an observation.
I've noticed since my exAH has divorced me, he has a variation of this going,too. (and I'm sure he did as he was preparing to dump me,too.)
Actually....who knows what she REALLY said (if anything). She obviously knows what he is like. HE may have said all this purely for your benefit.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
No just an arrogant self centered alcoholic who likes to blame everybody else for his own shortcomings. But maybe when he gets out he can look into that as a new career!!
I look at it this way: he was trying to get rid of his house and even talked about just letting it go into foreclosure just so he could unload it (he's been trying to sell it for over a year). He hates his job because it's too much stress. His friends "won't let him" quit drinking. His ex wife is always harassing him and threatening to take his son away every chance she gets. He gripes about how much $$ the mustang costs him (both in restoring it and the gas it guzzles). So I see it as I did him a favor! No more house, job, car, ex wife, friends, or me to hound him for the next year! No more stress for him to bitch about!!
I look at it this way: he was trying to get rid of his house and even talked about just letting it go into foreclosure just so he could unload it (he's been trying to sell it for over a year). He hates his job because it's too much stress. His friends "won't let him" quit drinking. His ex wife is always harassing him and threatening to take his son away every chance she gets. He gripes about how much $$ the mustang costs him (both in restoring it and the gas it guzzles). So I see it as I did him a favor! No more house, job, car, ex wife, friends, or me to hound him for the next year! No more stress for him to bitch about!!
And yes. I bitched and moaned about the house, car, kids, wife......And yes, God relieved me of those "problems".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
Funny how those minds of theirs work isn't it? Today I feel a little bit better. His mom called and I told her what was going on (He didn't tell his family that I'm the one who turned him in. Hmmm...wonder why? ) She of course told me she was proud of me and that I did the right thing. She knows how I feel about him and knows it was an easier phone call to make that "You son is dead". Now he has a chance to fix the things in his life that are so screwed up. She said that he will see it someday and won't hate me anymore. She assures me that nobody else (that matters) feels the way he does about what I did. They are grateful that I'm no longer allowing him to get away with such stupidity. He's actually nicer to me today. Told me he doesn't hate me, he's just "dissappointed" in me. (That's ok. The feeling is mutual!) But he's at least not walking out of the room when i come in and he's joking with me again today. He still tries to throw a jab a guilt my way on occassion but I think he sees its losing its effectiveness with the more support I am getting from the other people who know and love him.
We're having a cookout today. His brother is bringing food over so he called to tell A what he was bringing. When A hung up the phone he said "My last barbecue". I said "Honey you aren't being executed!" He said "Feels like it". I said hopefully in the long run this will be a short time in his life. He can get everything back should he choose to do so. This is completely up to him right now. He can mope. Or he can seek help. But in a few weeks it will be in the judges hands.
) She of course told me she was proud of me and that I did the right thing. She knows how I feel about him and knows it was an easier phone call to make that "You son is dead". Now he has a chance to fix the things in his life that are so screwed up. She said that he will see it someday and won't hate me anymore. She assures me that nobody else (that matters) feels the way he does about what I did. They are grateful that I'm no longer allowing him to get away with such stupidity. He's actually nicer to me today. Told me he doesn't hate me, he's just "dissappointed" in me. (That's ok. The feeling is mutual!) But he's at least not walking out of the room when i come in and he's joking with me again today. He still tries to throw a jab a guilt my way on occassion but I think he sees its losing its effectiveness with the more support I am getting from the other people who know and love him.We're having a cookout today. His brother is bringing food over so he called to tell A what he was bringing. When A hung up the phone he said "My last barbecue". I said "Honey you aren't being executed!" He said "Feels like it". I said hopefully in the long run this will be a short time in his life. He can get everything back should he choose to do so. This is completely up to him right now. He can mope. Or he can seek help. But in a few weeks it will be in the judges hands.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
Honestly HIS opinion doesn't really mean squat to me. Like anybody I love when he hurts I hurt. When he's upset I try to comfort him. I do that for anybody I love. Does he make me mad? Yep. So do my kids. So do my siblings. I forgive and move on. Same with him. I feel pretty good about myself most of the time, with or without him. The problem I have is I'm ADDICTED to him. I see enough of the good in him to hang on through the bad. I admit that sometimes I like the fact that this relationship has never been boring. Other times it drives me insane! When that happens I walk away from him. But like the good little addict that I am I always come back for another "fix" for whatever reason. Just as he loves and hates his alcohol. I truly honestly love and hate this man. Does he deserve it? Sometimes. Do I deserve better than what he has given lately. Absolutely. (but sometimes I can say the same for him) And as soon as I figure out why it is that I can't just leave him forever then I guess I'll be in a better place and won't need you guys! The problem is that I haven't been able to figure out why I miss him so much when he is gone. Why I can forgive him without being asked to. Why I crave his smell, touch, voice. He's my drug. Even when I've been away from him he is always on my mind. Even when I'm mad as hell at him I long to hear his voice. I'm an addict. Just like him. Except my drug is a human being. I've never had a relationship like this one. They've all been "normal, healthy" relationships. Ended for normal reasons. Still friends with most of them including my ex husband. I don't know what it is about THIS guy. Maybe its a game to me. I dont' know. Maybe I want him so bad because I can't quite "GET" him??? I've always had alcohol as "the competition". He always claimed that if he cleaned up I would get bored and leave. Maybe he's right. I don't know. Never had the chance to find out.
The problem is that I haven't been able to figure out why I miss him so much when he is gone. Why I can forgive him without being asked to. Why I crave his smell, touch, voice. He's my drug. Even when I've been away from him he is always on my mind. Even when I'm mad as hell at him I long to hear his voice. I'm an addict. Just like him. Except my drug is a human being. I've never had a relationship like this one. They've all been "normal, healthy" relationships. Ended for normal reasons. Still friends with most of them including my ex husband. I don't know what it is about THIS guy. Maybe its a game to me. I dont' know. Maybe I want him so bad because I can't quite "GET" him??? I've always had alcohol as "the competition". He always claimed that if he cleaned up I would get bored and leave. Maybe he's right. I don't know. Never had the chance to find out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
And let me clarify something: I don't feel guilty about calling the police. I feel bad for all he is about to lose. I don't feel like he is losing everything because of me. HE did that. I guess I just feel bad that he is hurting--even if it is self inflicted. When my kids do something dumb I can kiss their booboos and make it all better. I can't make this better for him. I understand he is a grown man and its all on him but I can't help but instinctively want to protect him and "kiss his booboos". That's just my nature. Codie...
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Good to hear that you don't have any regrets about calling the police. I was alittle concerned a while back, but I can mop my codie brow.
You hurt cos he hurts? Ouch. Is that like a ****** thing? I know it sounds like I am being flippant, however all is not as it seems. I don't know how I did it, but somehow I have managed to be able to be compassionate and empathetic about another person's situation without internalising the emotions. I guess that's what they call detachment. I found it incredibly liberating.
You hurt cos he hurts? Ouch. Is that like a ****** thing? I know it sounds like I am being flippant, however all is not as it seems. I don't know how I did it, but somehow I have managed to be able to be compassionate and empathetic about another person's situation without internalising the emotions. I guess that's what they call detachment. I found it incredibly liberating.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
dobie....we have spoken about this before.....i was in the same boat with you about my xh and the addiction. it took me probably 3 years to finally make the break. it was extremely painful. i wanted him. plain and simple. but i became physically ill from living with our addictions.....his was alcohol and abuse....mine was him.
so hard to understand and try to explain. it finally came down to saving myself. when living for myself became more important than having my fix (him), i moved from the paralyzed state i was in.
it was hell. it hurt like hell. i thought of him 24/7. my heart ached. i felt hopeless without him. i couldn't imagine my life without him, and the extremes of emotions we had.
i did it. and i'm glad i did it. it wasn't easy to let go of my addiction to him....i felt just like a junkie or alky.(or how i would imagine they would feel)......
i hope you are able to find peace with this.
love to you
jeri
so hard to understand and try to explain. it finally came down to saving myself. when living for myself became more important than having my fix (him), i moved from the paralyzed state i was in.
it was hell. it hurt like hell. i thought of him 24/7. my heart ached. i felt hopeless without him. i couldn't imagine my life without him, and the extremes of emotions we had.
i did it. and i'm glad i did it. it wasn't easy to let go of my addiction to him....i felt just like a junkie or alky.(or how i would imagine they would feel)......
i hope you are able to find peace with this.
love to you
jeri
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Booneyville USA
Posts: 246
Thanks Jeri. yes I know how you feel. And I know: we've talked about this so much before. That's why I'm torn right now about what will happen when he faces the judge. Part of me wants him to "get off easy" and go to the rehab program someone from Alanon suggested (supposedly a really good counselling progam for repeat offenders. Its a 6 month program that focuses more on the underlying issues than the alcoholism itself) and the other part of me wants him to be gone for the full year so I can be away from him and see what I REALLY want for myself. My biggest fear is that he will show up a year from now completely unchanged and I will drop everything and everyone to take him back. I can't do that if he is the way he is now. But if he gets help and really does change I would love to say I will be here when he comes home. Unfortunatly I can't see the future so I guess I'll just have to make those decisions when I come to them.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Sounds like you need to look in the mirror and figure out why you settle for a drunk in your life.
I'm sure when you were a little girl you didn't dream of getting with a lush. or did you?
It really comes down to us, not them.
Why we accept the wild ride and when we decide the price of admission is too much.
I'm sure when you were a little girl you didn't dream of getting with a lush. or did you?
It really comes down to us, not them.
Why we accept the wild ride and when we decide the price of admission is too much.
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