A Predicament

Old 05-27-2007, 09:07 AM
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A Predicament

Hi...having a bad time with my AH. He's in detox again until Tuesday,and insurance won't approve him for the 28 day program even though he is willing. COBRA runs out early July. The last year of my life has been a subway (not a roller coaster because they have "ups"). AH got so bad that he couldn't walk last summer, then three doctors confirmed he would die if he kept drinking. His brain shrunk to an 80 year old's size. His psych had me, the codependent, detox him in August. It was hell and full of dt's but he stayed sober for 4 months but no AA, and I had a glimpse of happiness.

All of 2007 he's been back to drinking and wreaking havoc everywhere. He broke his leg getting out of the car in early March after drinking and driving for 2 hours. I thought that would be his "bottom" but guess not. The surgery and hospital bills are over $28,000 but mostly covered by insurance. We bought a business over 1 1/2 years ago that is now doing poorly because of this and me not being able to give my energy to it. I know all about detachment from Al Anon and psychologist, but the one thing I can't figure out is how to get out of harms way. What I mean is how do I stop him from taking me down with him? What if he breaks more limbs or gets in a car wreck or we get sued when he hurts someone else while driving? What if we lose the business? What if I do divorce him, how do we divide the house and business? I still love him after 9 years of marriage, but with the constant drama and stress, I'm now physically ill for 3 weeks. It seems like no matter what I do, I lose. It's not fair and this is such a lonely road that I don't deserve. Any advice?
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Old 05-27-2007, 09:24 AM
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I'd talk to an attorney and do what you have to do to separate yourself financially. Most lawyers will give you the first hour free. Best free hour I ever spent in my life. At the time I saw him, I had no idea if I would be getting divorced (I am), but knowing what steps I could take - and I did take some - really helped.

I'm sorry to hear you're now physically ill, too. That also happened to me. Maybe taking one proactive step will help; it did me.

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Old 05-27-2007, 09:36 AM
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IMO the way you get out of harm's way is to get out of harm's way.

He can't control himself apparently, and you've waited a long time for him to do so.

There comes a point where you need to decide to live or die. You wouldn't be here if you didn't want to live.

No one is going to come save you. You are your own superhero.

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Old 05-27-2007, 10:01 AM
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I understand that "divorce" maybe not be where you want to go and that you still love him, but.... Love alone cannot make things alright.

At this point if you stay in this situation, because he is financially tied to you this way, you are going to go down with him. If you separate yourself from his down spiral, you have a chance to make your life go in the direction you want it to. There comes a time when you have to think of what is best for you.... not just what your heart wants.

Checking out your options can only help in at least knowing what you can do if you so choose to do them somewhere down the road.
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Old 05-27-2007, 12:09 PM
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No advice other than read, read, read....inform yourself of all of your options - knowledge is power and will help you make the best decision for yourself and will also help you continue on the right path. Best wishes and blessings.....
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Old 05-27-2007, 03:43 PM
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Oh SF, are you secretly seeing MY husband? He's a real catch, but sounds like you already know that. Your story sounds so similar to mine. I finally made the very difficult decision to let my AH go just over a month ago. He lived on the street, in the woods, etc. for several days before his Mom took him in while we tried to find a treatment center that would accept him without money or health insurance. He's been in 6 detox centers, in addition to 2 weeks of rehab since early March. I seperated our finances months ago and am doing the best I can to sustain myself. I went to our county courthouse and met with a Family Law Counselor and have all the paperwork necessary to file for a "No Children w/ Property" divorce w/out lawyers. He's supposedly leaving for a long-term treatment center in Alabama this week. It is a 16 week program and completely free. It is a work study treatment program. Good for him, and this time apart will continue to be good for me. I'm treating myself to a long-overdue vacation with a girlfriend from college in July to Las Vegas. I really don't have the money for a vacation, but I REALLY need one.

Do something for yourself. The right decision will come to you, when the time is right. (((HUGS)))
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Old 05-27-2007, 05:25 PM
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SF, I truly feel for you. They mess up the finances and we, as codies, generally get sucked down into the vacuum of financial ruin. I looked over my situation and realized the longer I stay, the worse it will be for me financially.

I'm sure you love him, but he's too sick to love you. In fact, he's destroying you. Love will not pay the bills. You get out of harm's way by taking legal action ASAP. He's not messing up to hurt you; he's messing up in all facets of his life, and that includes finances. Until he gets better, the longer you hang on the worse it will get.

Maybe leaving him to himself is just what he needs in order to straighten out his life. You know you can't do it for him.
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Old 05-29-2007, 11:02 AM
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Thank you everyone for your wonderful input!!! AH got out of 2nd round of rehab/detox today after only 5 days instead of the 28. I'm not happy that they just let him out for me to pick up (I'm 2 hours away) and nobody meets with me for the postcare followup. AH was really nasty to me for the 2 hour trip back. He just so full of toxic anger. His family will cut him off if he ever drinks again and suggested I do the same. It's just so sad. But I'm trying to hang in there because I think I know where it's headed and just trying to stop the downward spiral.
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Old 05-29-2007, 02:30 PM
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I tried so hard to stop the downward spiral. It was impossible. He is going to do what he is going to do and no one can stop him. I know your pain. It is almost unbearable.
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Old 05-29-2007, 02:43 PM
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Welcome, Saint Francis.

If the love a spouse or family member could cure addiction, there would be no addicts. And I don't own a crystal ball - if you do, you could raise quite a bit of cash with it, I reckon!

What help are you getting for you at this stressful time? I believe that we have to take heed of the lesson given in airline safety announcements - to put on our own oxygen mask before helping others.
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Old 05-29-2007, 03:37 PM
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Welcome To SR Saint Francis,,,and hey did you know that's my middle name?!?!?

Not Saint you sillys HEY wait a min!! That WOULD apply to my ,almost I hope to the spirits, FORMER CODIE self,,lol

The Francis part

But as usual, I digress,,,he,he,he

Anyway Saint Francis, three things

You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it,,,

Only one person can do that!!!!

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Old 05-30-2007, 08:19 AM
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What if's.............cannot exist in my life.

TODAY, however, must exist.

If those things have not come to pass TODAY, then no need to solve them. They dont exist.

Whats going on in your world TODAY? Deal with that!

Oxygen mask, over you own face, works wonders
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Old 05-30-2007, 08:39 AM
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Follow Directions!
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Okay I have some real simple questions:

1. How did he get his booze when he could not walk? Did he crawl?

He broke his leg getting out of the car in early March after drinking and driving for 2 hours.
Who took care of him and got his booze then?

What if he breaks more limbs
Who will take care of him?

how do I stop him from taking me down with him?
Do you think he could take you down with him if you divorced him?

I am an alcoholic, the only way I decided to get sober is when my safety net was removed and I was allowed to hit bottom. As long as some one was buying my booze for me when I could not walk, taking care of me when I broke my leg, taking me to the doctor, fixing my meals, washing my clothes, etc., etc. I continued to drink.

Once I was forced to face all of the problems associated with my drinking by my self with no one helping me is when I decided to stop because I knew I would lose everything in my life and drink myself to death by myself.

As long as I had some one helping me in any way I was going to drink!

You want to help your self and help him?

See a lawyer and get the heck out of there, as long as you stay with him he is going to drink and you are going to go down the toilet with him.

Save your self!
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Old 05-31-2007, 07:26 AM
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Thanks again for the comments, and they help SOOO much! AH appears to be sober for 3 days and going to AA. Says he gets it THIS time. First beer, and I believe I will be to the lawyer. Just to clarify, understanding codependency and enabling, I have not bought him beer in ages, even when he couldn't walk. Unfortunately, using a walker or crawling to get around and actually having convenience store clerks bring the beer to the car (unbelievable!) enabled him to continue getting beer.

Lately, I've been really selfish and irrational. Instead of being supportive, I hang out with my friends for 3 hours a night playing trivia, talking, etc. I'm trying to avoid the name-calling and badgering I get at home. Some nights out include wine which enrages AH. Also, getting a little too friendly with one supportive guy comes the guilt. Trying to get back on track, but it's hard to be sane when everything surrounding you is insanity.
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Old 05-31-2007, 07:44 AM
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get it, give it, grow in it
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You've gotten some great responses here from both sides of the issue. Remember the serenity and change what you can.
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