Can't Let Go of a Bad Relationship?
 

Maybe there are some answers here:


Can't Let Go of a Bad Relationship?
by Susan Anderson

Do you know someone who stays in a bad relationship? What hooks them? The standard answer is that they don't feel good enough about themselves. They don't feel they deserve better. Their have a low sense of entitlement.

While self esteem is certainly a factor, many of these people started out feeling much better about themselves than they do now.

Being constantly criticized, rejected, neglected, or abused eventually pays its toll. The low self-worth you see is not always the CAUSE of their being unable to leave, but the RESULT of having been treated this way. Once they feel low about themselves, they lose the strength to get out.

But there is more to it. They have become traumatically bonded.

A traumatic bond is created when pain is inflicted into the attachment. This bond is stronger (just like epoxy glue is stronger than rubber cement) than a non-traumatic bond. The more traumatic the bond, the harder to get out.

There are examples of this everywhere in nature and science. Researches found that when training a duck to imprint them, when they accidentally stepped on the duck's toe, the duck imprinted them more than before. Science has conducted myriad experiments that demonstrate the power of pain to strengthen the bond. It's the principle fraternities use in hazing where they humiliate or hurt their pledges to instill greater loyalty in them.

But there is still another factor which really cements people to the abuser. They get hooked by the intermittent reinforcement. The abuser, every once in a while, will give them what they need, i.e. a pat on the arm or saying I love you or bringing home a paycheck. It's intermittent.

If you ever studied classical conditioning (Pavlov's dog and all of that), you may remember that if you want to train a rat to respond a certain way, rather than giving a steady reward (i.e. sugar pellet), give it only intermittently. Intermittent reinforcement is more powerful than steady reinforcement.

This explains the paradox of relationships. If your partner mistreats you in all kinds of emotional or physical ways, you run the risk of getting deeply hooked in.

You'd think it would work the other way, that if your partner made you feel secure, safe, and comfortable, you'd have a hard time leaving. But the irony is that many people feel freer to leave someone who has made them feel secure. Ever hear nice guys finish last?

But if they are made to feel chronically insecure, heart-sick, anxious, or hurt, they can get caught up in the drama of the abuse and locked into the dynamics of the relationship especially if every once in a while, their partner gives them a little crumb of love, intermittent reinforcement.

If you are in a traumatic bond, you not only suffer from your partner's criticism, blame, betrayal, unreliability, or neglect, but you suffer from beating yourself up for allowing it to happen.

You feel guilty for not being able to leave. Your friends may get fed up with you for being so stuck. Even your therapist loses patience. You feel judged. You feel weak. You feel ashamed of yourself.

"Why did you STAY?" comes the invariable question.

"Because I loved him," comes the equally invariable response.

Abuser tells Abused, "I love you," and these women continue to sell themselves out to hear the occasional utterance of three hollow words, meaning nothing to the abuser.

The more infrequently the crumbs of love are offered, the more hooked you are. You become conditioned, like a rat in the cage.

OMG dolly, that's some serious food for thought. I'm in a wonderful relationship, but for some time I've been obsessing and hooked on a sick relationship that's never materialized for me. I'm feeling much freer now, but those descriptions of traumatic bond and intermittent reinforcement really made me pause and reflect on my attachment.

Thanks so much for posting this.

This rat's free!
 

That was good, thanks for posting that! Very interesting! I printed it out and I'm still thinking about it...all I know is that I was a rat in a cage, too...but I gnawed my way out!!!! I'm not gonna be anybody's labrat again!
Lisarae

You should post this on the family and friends of substance abusers, too.

wow, totally me. thanks for posting that, dolly!

OMG!
You struck a nerve!
:(

What's in your post Dolly, had been something I've "felt" but couldn't organize enough in my head to figure it out. That and the fact that I have such LOW self esteem in myself when it comes to my A. I've ALWAYS prided myself on being "different" and able to come from the core. My internal reflecting my external.

I lost that in the relationship.

And I also had the "knowledge" that I was "settling" for much less than I deserve

Why did I then?

Much like the A, I was in DENIAL about what the dysfunctional relationship was doing to my CORE!! I was "traumaticall bonded' and SETTLED for "intermintent reinforcement"

Thank you for sharing Dolly,,,


PEace

Well Dollydo, that has just summed up my entire pitiful existence!

but you suffer from beating yourself up for allowing it to happen.

wow. this is part of where i am at now. thanks dolly.

Thank you for sharing this! *nerve**trigger**breathe* OK!

We can leave a relationship and return to it 5 or 6 times before we are ready to say I've done everything I can and go for good.


Earthworm

That would be me....I have filed for divorce 4 times before, and after a couple of months, some 'courtship', and more empty promises, I dropped the ball.

I felt more and more like the village idiot every time I believed him and turned around a couple of months later to find myself in the very same situation I had so desperately wanted out of.

Almost 18 months ago was deception number 4; we had reconciled-even renewed our 'vows'-and I realized he was using again. The difference was that I just took a deep breath and started planning and saving money.

I filed for the fifth and final time on March 2. Enough....

Thank you Dolly. Very enlightening words. I'm so glad you posted that.

I'm thinking too that if you come from a family where this was the "dance" then you'll probably be even more susceptible (sp?) to ending up in a marriage/relationship like this too. Unfinished business.....familiar patterns....etc.