Staying in the relationship..
Just for today....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Venus
Posts: 118
Staying in the relationship..
Hello,
I usually post on the Nar Anon board because my husband is both a crack addict and an alcoholic, but for some reason today I thought I would post something here. Take what you like and leave the rest
Anyway, the whole disease of addiction is completely mind blowing. My husabnd has been clean from crack for over a year now, he still drinks now and then and I don't know if I have an easier time with the drinking because of what I have been through with the crack addiction, or because I understnad him now, but I wanted to post some of my experiences, and things I have taken away during my 6 years battling addictions with AH. I have been through the ringer with this stuff, during it all I have had 2 wonderful, beautiful children, moved 3 times (once without AH) changed jobs, filed for divorce twice (never followed through) AH has chected on me while I was pregnant, left me and my son for 2 weeks on a crack binge when he was 4 weeks old, and numerous, numerous other things that are just way too many to list.
One may question why I am still with him, and I can honestly say that being with him and living through this has made me a stronger, more independant woman who has learned to take care of myself, and to trust my instincts, believe in a HP, and be a more productive, caring and loving mother, wife and friend.
For me, looking back, I spent most of my waking hours trying to control my AH's behavior. I made it sooo easy for him to use/abuse alcohol, by taking away his accountablitiy and always making sure he had a soft cushion to fall on. I monitered alcohol/drug consumption, searched his belongings, did everything a person who is deeply suffering from co dependancy would do, and then some. My life became SO out of control that I knew I had to make a change in myself, and when that happened, everything else just fell into place. I can't explain how it happened, maybe an act of my HP, but I was able to pull strength from somewhere and start my recovery.
I am not going to go on and on, basically what I am trying to say is that there is hope for all of us. If we decide to make the choice to stay with our addict, then it is our responsibility to work on ourselves as much as we are expecting our addicts to work on themselves. I have learned that nobody likes to be "told" what they can and cannot do, nobody likes to be belittled or shamed into not doing something, and people need to feel love, appreciation, self worth and respect. Once that's gone then you really have nothing to live for. As hard as it was at first to practice making my husband feel like a man, not a child, I can see now how much more he respects himself and his family and his job and choices he makes, because I was able to step back and let HIM make those choices for HIMSELF. Is it scary sometimes to let go of control? heck ya it is....do I still worry? heck ya I do, but now I address my concerns with him, not at him. I let him know the moment I am feeling strange about something and I take responsibility for the way I feel, I don't blame him anymore for making me feel a certain way. We are now able to talk about it and come up with a solution that we can both live with, it isn't always what I want, but it is always something I can live with . Our arguments no longer end with me sobbing and chasing his truck down the road to come back while he is taking off to the party store for alcohol, and then the crack house for a couple days.
My AH and I have overcome a lot of obstacles, and we are emerging as 2 stong people with very much love, respect and admiration for one another, all because of a simple change in the way we lived our life. I hated letting go of control of my AH, but I HAD to do it, I made a choice to stick with him and our lives depended on change.
To everyone dealing with addiction, my heart goes out to you. It's a difficult place to be, filled with many tears, worries and sleepless nights. I am hoping that this post helped at least 1 person who is in the beggining, middle or end phase of dealing with addicton to see that there can be life after addiction and if you look hard enough into your soul anything is possible for you, whether you decide to stay with your addict or not.
Wishing you peace today....
((Hugs))
I usually post on the Nar Anon board because my husband is both a crack addict and an alcoholic, but for some reason today I thought I would post something here. Take what you like and leave the rest
Anyway, the whole disease of addiction is completely mind blowing. My husabnd has been clean from crack for over a year now, he still drinks now and then and I don't know if I have an easier time with the drinking because of what I have been through with the crack addiction, or because I understnad him now, but I wanted to post some of my experiences, and things I have taken away during my 6 years battling addictions with AH. I have been through the ringer with this stuff, during it all I have had 2 wonderful, beautiful children, moved 3 times (once without AH) changed jobs, filed for divorce twice (never followed through) AH has chected on me while I was pregnant, left me and my son for 2 weeks on a crack binge when he was 4 weeks old, and numerous, numerous other things that are just way too many to list.
One may question why I am still with him, and I can honestly say that being with him and living through this has made me a stronger, more independant woman who has learned to take care of myself, and to trust my instincts, believe in a HP, and be a more productive, caring and loving mother, wife and friend.
For me, looking back, I spent most of my waking hours trying to control my AH's behavior. I made it sooo easy for him to use/abuse alcohol, by taking away his accountablitiy and always making sure he had a soft cushion to fall on. I monitered alcohol/drug consumption, searched his belongings, did everything a person who is deeply suffering from co dependancy would do, and then some. My life became SO out of control that I knew I had to make a change in myself, and when that happened, everything else just fell into place. I can't explain how it happened, maybe an act of my HP, but I was able to pull strength from somewhere and start my recovery.
I am not going to go on and on, basically what I am trying to say is that there is hope for all of us. If we decide to make the choice to stay with our addict, then it is our responsibility to work on ourselves as much as we are expecting our addicts to work on themselves. I have learned that nobody likes to be "told" what they can and cannot do, nobody likes to be belittled or shamed into not doing something, and people need to feel love, appreciation, self worth and respect. Once that's gone then you really have nothing to live for. As hard as it was at first to practice making my husband feel like a man, not a child, I can see now how much more he respects himself and his family and his job and choices he makes, because I was able to step back and let HIM make those choices for HIMSELF. Is it scary sometimes to let go of control? heck ya it is....do I still worry? heck ya I do, but now I address my concerns with him, not at him. I let him know the moment I am feeling strange about something and I take responsibility for the way I feel, I don't blame him anymore for making me feel a certain way. We are now able to talk about it and come up with a solution that we can both live with, it isn't always what I want, but it is always something I can live with . Our arguments no longer end with me sobbing and chasing his truck down the road to come back while he is taking off to the party store for alcohol, and then the crack house for a couple days.
My AH and I have overcome a lot of obstacles, and we are emerging as 2 stong people with very much love, respect and admiration for one another, all because of a simple change in the way we lived our life. I hated letting go of control of my AH, but I HAD to do it, I made a choice to stick with him and our lives depended on change.
To everyone dealing with addiction, my heart goes out to you. It's a difficult place to be, filled with many tears, worries and sleepless nights. I am hoping that this post helped at least 1 person who is in the beggining, middle or end phase of dealing with addicton to see that there can be life after addiction and if you look hard enough into your soul anything is possible for you, whether you decide to stay with your addict or not.
Wishing you peace today....
((Hugs))
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Originally Posted by froglegs 
I hated letting go of control of my AH, but I HAD to do it, I made a choice to stick with him and our lives depended on change.
I can't imagine all you've gone through. Letting go and sticking with it...that's the kicker!
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Small Town
Posts: 46
Sound familiar
My husband does drugs as well as drinks, I think we are both on the same page except mine hasn't quit either one of them, and lies to his family, as well as himself about addiction. Doesn't want to take on any responsibility about his addiction, he just thinks he will go on living a double life forever, and as long as I enable him he will, I am just in the beginning stages of reforming myself to NOT help him as much as possible. This will take time.
I just wanted to respond to your post because I think our lives have much in common. It sounds like you have gone through what I am going through. And it sucks. My life is up and down just like his moods. He is hateful, hurtful, and humiliating to me and our children. So what makes a person stay with him. Some say "comfort zone" blind to anything better, codependent, what ever the case may be, it is damn hard to live this life, and I think you can relate.
Its like I am stuck in glue, I want to leave and I know its right to do, but I don't. I am just trying to understand this confusing, frustrating life. Its kind of a down day today.
I just wanted to respond to your post because I think our lives have much in common. It sounds like you have gone through what I am going through. And it sucks. My life is up and down just like his moods. He is hateful, hurtful, and humiliating to me and our children. So what makes a person stay with him. Some say "comfort zone" blind to anything better, codependent, what ever the case may be, it is damn hard to live this life, and I think you can relate.
Its like I am stuck in glue, I want to leave and I know its right to do, but I don't. I am just trying to understand this confusing, frustrating life. Its kind of a down day today.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by flwrchld
My husband does drugs as well as drinks, I think we are both on the same page except mine hasn't quit either one of them, and lies to his family, as well as himself about addiction. Doesn't want to take on any responsibility about his addiction, he just thinks he will go on living a double life forever, and as long as I enable him he will, I am just in the beginning stages of reforming myself to NOT help him as much as possible. This will take time.
I just wanted to respond to your post because I think our lives have much in common. It sounds like you have gone through what I am going through. And it sucks. My life is up and down just like his moods. He is hateful, hurtful, and humiliating to me and our children. So what makes a person stay with him. Some say "comfort zone" blind to anything better, codependent, what ever the case may be, it is damn hard to live this life, and I think you can relate.
Its like I am stuck in glue, I want to leave and I know its right to do, but I don't. I am just trying to understand this confusing, frustrating life. Its kind of a down day today.
I just wanted to respond to your post because I think our lives have much in common. It sounds like you have gone through what I am going through. And it sucks. My life is up and down just like his moods. He is hateful, hurtful, and humiliating to me and our children. So what makes a person stay with him. Some say "comfort zone" blind to anything better, codependent, what ever the case may be, it is damn hard to live this life, and I think you can relate.
Its like I am stuck in glue, I want to leave and I know its right to do, but I don't. I am just trying to understand this confusing, frustrating life. Its kind of a down day today.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
froglegs you are my opposite, or in other words you did what my wife did to me with one major difference, she was leaving with the kids forcing me to know I would have to face all of my problems with alcohol and everything else alone, no one to help me keep drinking. She did it with her first husband to save her daughter so I knew she was not bluffing when she told me her and the kids were moving out in 1 month.
My hat is off to you for being able to pull it off without leaving, my wife with her first and with me was there for the sake of the kids, she refused to let her first husband or me hurt her children any more then we already had.
My hat is off to you for being able to pull it off without leaving, my wife with her first and with me was there for the sake of the kids, she refused to let her first husband or me hurt her children any more then we already had.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Thank you so much for your post FrogLegs ((((())))))
For myself the question of whether the relationship can be salvaged is the BIGGEST issue/question I face. And I fluctuate, day to day.
I think you pinpointed the reason why
It's all about COMMUNICATION and WILLINGNESS of BOTH parts to see it through. This is not so different than me and my A. Once the problem was "out of the closet" we talked a lot about it, and worked through many of the hurdles. When we BOTH stopped communicating, is where the trouble began.
Anger, resentment and sadness instead replaced the communication
The downward spiral began from there. And guess what, it was then that I stopped "blaming" and started to see my OWN responsibility in the demise. And it started out with a tiny little ~twinge~ somewhere deep inside.
When I got the courage to look at it, I realized I had to admit to myself, maybe I wasn't good for my A either. Talk about a dope slap. Here I am, arrogant as hell, thinking it was him and his disease that was causing the end to our relationship.
The more I was the good little codie, the more he drank. He couldn't deal with having me angry at him and HONESTLY hated making me sad. It devastated him. The cycle would begin. Both of us chasing our tails getting nowhere And before you all go thinking I'm making excuses, let me say, I have learned he needs to build coping skills in ALL areas. When we refer to our A's as "little boys" we aren't far off. Forcing them to become MEN is difficult for them AND US.
I liked your post, because if you get past the fact you are SUCCESSFUL in keepin your relationship together, you can see, it was a "process" for you. If I'm reading correctly, you left him once, and filed for divorce twice?
Do you think it "scared" him enough to work with you moving forward?
Peace
((((())))))For myself the question of whether the relationship can be salvaged is the BIGGEST issue/question I face. And I fluctuate, day to day.
I think you pinpointed the reason why
It's all about COMMUNICATION and WILLINGNESS of BOTH parts to see it through. This is not so different than me and my A. Once the problem was "out of the closet" we talked a lot about it, and worked through many of the hurdles. When we BOTH stopped communicating, is where the trouble began.
Anger, resentment and sadness instead replaced the communication
The downward spiral began from there. And guess what, it was then that I stopped "blaming" and started to see my OWN responsibility in the demise. And it started out with a tiny little ~twinge~ somewhere deep inside.
When I got the courage to look at it, I realized I had to admit to myself, maybe I wasn't good for my A either. Talk about a dope slap. Here I am, arrogant as hell, thinking it was him and his disease that was causing the end to our relationship.
The more I was the good little codie, the more he drank. He couldn't deal with having me angry at him and HONESTLY hated making me sad. It devastated him. The cycle would begin. Both of us chasing our tails getting nowhere And before you all go thinking I'm making excuses, let me say, I have learned he needs to build coping skills in ALL areas. When we refer to our A's as "little boys" we aren't far off. Forcing them to become MEN is difficult for them AND US.
I liked your post, because if you get past the fact you are SUCCESSFUL in keepin your relationship together, you can see, it was a "process" for you. If I'm reading correctly, you left him once, and filed for divorce twice?
Do you think it "scared" him enough to work with you moving forward?
Peace
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Do you think it "scared" him enough to work with you moving forward?
I had a habit of doing things not because it was my boundry but to get a reaction.... which is polite way of saying I was manuplative as alllllll heck.
Today, I try REALLY hard not to react. I try to take the time to think things through, really come to a decision about what I can and cant live with... what is the best for me and create my boundries from that.... this can be quite a process for me and take some time. Once I know what my needs/wants are (mind you this is after all the discusson with my SO) I set my boundries and conquences..... Once I communicate these boundries if there is no resolution or at the very least positive steps to a resolution.... then I have to stick with the conquences.
Its about me, not making him do anything.... its about mutual respect in the relationship and coming to a balance that both can live with.... Not about making him see the light or controling his decisions.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by froglegs
Hello,
For me, looking back, I spent most of my waking hours trying to control my AH's behavior. I made it sooo easy for him to use/abuse alcohol, by taking away his accountablitiy and always making sure he had a soft cushion to fall on. I monitered alcohol/drug consumption, searched his belongings, did everything a person who is deeply suffering from co dependancy would do, and then some. My life became SO out of control that I knew I had to make a change in myself, and when that happened, everything else just fell into place. I can't explain how it happened, maybe an act of my HP, but I was able to pull strength from somewhere and start my recovery.
((Hugs))
For me, looking back, I spent most of my waking hours trying to control my AH's behavior. I made it sooo easy for him to use/abuse alcohol, by taking away his accountablitiy and always making sure he had a soft cushion to fall on. I monitered alcohol/drug consumption, searched his belongings, did everything a person who is deeply suffering from co dependancy would do, and then some. My life became SO out of control that I knew I had to make a change in myself, and when that happened, everything else just fell into place. I can't explain how it happened, maybe an act of my HP, but I was able to pull strength from somewhere and start my recovery.
((Hugs))
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Its about me, not making him do anything.... its about mutual respect in the relationship and coming to a balance that both can live with.... Not about making him see the light or controling his decisions.
And thats something else I have to accept. My A still see's it as manipulating and controlling ME so he can continue to drink. There is no "balance" and no mutal respect for him to consider what I can live with.
And as Cynay says, I have to live with the consquences of the boundry I set. If I didn't follow through, he would contiue to test the boundry every time I set one. My boundry took a long time to get too, it wasn't a quick or rash decision. I had to look inward and ask myself, am I prepared for the relationship to end. Thus far, it appears that is the only option
Peace
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
froglegs,
I'm so glad you came over here to share your wonderful ESH. I remember reading many of your posts when I first came to SR and those posts along with what you have shared here remind me that no matter what, _I_ can change and live better.
I admire your courage and determination to work on yourself!
You and your recovery are amazing. Thank you for sharing with us!
big ole hugs,
cmc
I'm so glad you came over here to share your wonderful ESH. I remember reading many of your posts when I first came to SR and those posts along with what you have shared here remind me that no matter what, _I_ can change and live better.
I admire your courage and determination to work on yourself!
You and your recovery are amazing. Thank you for sharing with us!
big ole hugs,
cmc
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: toronto
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by froglegs
Hello,
One may question why I am still with him, and I can honestly say that being with him and living through this has made me a stronger, more independant woman who has learned to take care of myself, and to trust my instincts, believe in a HP, and be a more productive, caring and loving mother, wife and friend.
For me, looking back, I spent most of my waking hours trying to control my AH's behavior. I made it sooo easy for him to use/abuse alcohol, by taking away his accountablitiy and always making sure he had a soft cushion to fall on. I monitered alcohol/drug consumption, searched his belongings, did everything a person who is deeply suffering from co dependancy would do, and then some. My life became SO out of control that I knew I had to make a change in myself, and when that happened, everything else just fell into place. I can't explain how it happened, maybe an act of my HP, but I was able to pull strength from somewhere and start my recovery.
One may question why I am still with him, and I can honestly say that being with him and living through this has made me a stronger, more independant woman who has learned to take care of myself, and to trust my instincts, believe in a HP, and be a more productive, caring and loving mother, wife and friend.
For me, looking back, I spent most of my waking hours trying to control my AH's behavior. I made it sooo easy for him to use/abuse alcohol, by taking away his accountablitiy and always making sure he had a soft cushion to fall on. I monitered alcohol/drug consumption, searched his belongings, did everything a person who is deeply suffering from co dependancy would do, and then some. My life became SO out of control that I knew I had to make a change in myself, and when that happened, everything else just fell into place. I can't explain how it happened, maybe an act of my HP, but I was able to pull strength from somewhere and start my recovery.
Believe it or not I thank God everyday that we went thru this because without going thru it I wouldn't be the person that I am today and my husband wouldn't be the person he is today. We both work on our programs and we both have ended up being much more content and grounded with life. Open honest communication for us is the key.
For me the start of my healing was dealing with my past, letting go of it. I had to learn why I put up with the addict's behaviour, manipulations, deception, hurt etc. What was I getting out of it? That was the hardest part.
Then I had to learn the art of detachment - another huge skill but oh so difficult. Accepting that I didn't cause any of this, couldn't control any of it and learning that I could only control my own thoughts,feelings and reactions.
Thank you again for an inspiring post.
Last edited by DesertEyes; 05-29-2007 at 09:27 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
Just for today....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Venus
Posts: 118
Thanks for all of the replies, it has taken me awhile to get back here, today I have some time so I wanted to add some things to my post. I am so glad you thought it was helpful.
Tazman, I wanted to address something you said :
I did leave my AH. I walked out and got my own appartment with my then 6 week old son, and we lived there for a year by ourselves until AH could get a grip on his using, and I could get control and serenity back into my life. I decided I was not going to be a productive mother if I stayed with him, because I spent more time crying and trying to track him down and worrying than I did paying attention to my newborns needs. I needed to focus, and I couldn't do it if we were under the same roof.
I am the type of person who is petrified to be alone, I absolutely hate it, so that was a HUGE step for me. Selling my house and moving out of my comfort zone to a new place with a new baby was terrifying to me, but I did what I knew I had to do. AH lived with his mom, he had limited, supervised visitation, I went to meetings, he went to meetings we both worked our OWN programs and did what we needed to do. During that time AH was able to get his job back (a good job that he had lost, and I had gotten back FOR him 2 times before, stay clean, and start looking at his life and accepting responsibility for his actions. The longer we were apart, the better it got, we still had the love but knew we couldn't be together at that time. That next year AH bought a house, and moved in about 5 months later with my son.
I'm not going to say things were perfect, but they were better, going from being independant to living withan addict again was weird at first, but I got used to it. It was really hard not to slip into the same patterns of codependancy, I had to try really hard . Now that AH knew that I could make it on my own, I guess that was a little of an incentive for him to stay clean. I didn't really ever use that as a threat or anything, you know mean what you say and say what you mean. I didn't want that to be what I used to try and control him or anything.
I guess the bottom line to all of this addiction/co dependancy is that you both really, really, really have to want to change and have to want to live a chaos free life. Until both parties can really admit wrongs and work on them then nothing will happen. If an A is in denial that he is an addict, then more than likely you would be the one forcing your changes on them, when they don't even think they need a change, and trying to get an addict to see their wrong ways and dangerous behavior is totally pointless if they don't see anything wrong with it themselves. I was lucky in that AH saw the wrong in what he was doing and felt the shame and guilt with the decesions he was making for himself, I didn't have to make him feel that way, he felt it, because I stepped back and let him feel it. Does that make any sense?
Wow...sorry for typing a book. I am really passionate about this stuff, I am by no means and expert on this and I still slip, but now I can see my slips alot more clearly.
Hope your having a great day.
((hugs))
Tazman, I wanted to address something you said :
I did leave my AH. I walked out and got my own appartment with my then 6 week old son, and we lived there for a year by ourselves until AH could get a grip on his using, and I could get control and serenity back into my life. I decided I was not going to be a productive mother if I stayed with him, because I spent more time crying and trying to track him down and worrying than I did paying attention to my newborns needs. I needed to focus, and I couldn't do it if we were under the same roof.
I am the type of person who is petrified to be alone, I absolutely hate it, so that was a HUGE step for me. Selling my house and moving out of my comfort zone to a new place with a new baby was terrifying to me, but I did what I knew I had to do. AH lived with his mom, he had limited, supervised visitation, I went to meetings, he went to meetings we both worked our OWN programs and did what we needed to do. During that time AH was able to get his job back (a good job that he had lost, and I had gotten back FOR him 2 times before, stay clean, and start looking at his life and accepting responsibility for his actions. The longer we were apart, the better it got, we still had the love but knew we couldn't be together at that time. That next year AH bought a house, and moved in about 5 months later with my son.
I'm not going to say things were perfect, but they were better, going from being independant to living withan addict again was weird at first, but I got used to it. It was really hard not to slip into the same patterns of codependancy, I had to try really hard . Now that AH knew that I could make it on my own, I guess that was a little of an incentive for him to stay clean. I didn't really ever use that as a threat or anything, you know mean what you say and say what you mean. I didn't want that to be what I used to try and control him or anything.
I guess the bottom line to all of this addiction/co dependancy is that you both really, really, really have to want to change and have to want to live a chaos free life. Until both parties can really admit wrongs and work on them then nothing will happen. If an A is in denial that he is an addict, then more than likely you would be the one forcing your changes on them, when they don't even think they need a change, and trying to get an addict to see their wrong ways and dangerous behavior is totally pointless if they don't see anything wrong with it themselves. I was lucky in that AH saw the wrong in what he was doing and felt the shame and guilt with the decesions he was making for himself, I didn't have to make him feel that way, he felt it, because I stepped back and let him feel it. Does that make any sense?
Wow...sorry for typing a book. I am really passionate about this stuff, I am by no means and expert on this and I still slip, but now I can see my slips alot more clearly.
Hope your having a great day.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
guess the bottom line to all of this addiction/co dependancy is that you both really, really, really have to want to change and have to want to live a chaos free life. Until both parties can really admit wrongs and work on them then nothing will happen.
So in a relationship I have to look at it like this, If both of us are not willing to go to any length to make it work...... It will never work.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: At my computer
Posts: 28
Thank you Froglegs. It is nice to get a perspective from someone who stayed with their AH. I have made the decision to stay mainly because of my children. I do find that letting go of that control is the hardest thing for me to do, but I am getting there one day at a time. Thank you again.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Froglegs-exceptional post. I have come to know that if we are open to it, there is a "silver lining" in being involved with an addict ( for me AS ). It is so easy to hold a spotlight on them for obviouse reasons. But when we pan out with that light, there is a lot in the family and with ourselves to focus on as well. I am ever so thankful that my son's addiction brought me to my knees. For only that pain provided the sea change necessary for me to understand that I too needed to change and find a better way to conduct my life by seeking spiritual growth & emotional growth. I hope to keep changing as life goes on. When we change there is a natural ripple effect with the rest of the family. One that we don't have to force, manipulate or control.
Pain truly can be the great teacher so I no longer fear it, I embrace it.
Pain truly can be the great teacher so I no longer fear it, I embrace it.
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