marriedtoit

I have not been on the boards for some time and that's a good thing because hubby's been clean and sober for several years now. He had gone through recovery several times in the past but this time I see a different man. He's committed to recovery, dropped all his toxic relationships, he's become attentive, loving, and caring and truly sorry for the pain that he's caused our family. My husband was both an alcoholic and a drug addict and did many things he was ashamed of. The hurt he caused me over the years was unbearable and I never thought our relationship could be fixed but honestly things could not be better for us. We truly have fallen in love all over again.

This is where my problem comes in. While going through a box in our closet looking for something, I came across a receipt for some expensive jewelry - earrings, necklace and charm. The receipt was from Christmas of 1995 - yes, 12 years ago. The problem is that I was not the recipient of this jewelry but I believe I know who was.

What do I do? Do I confront him and relive the past or do I ignore this and move on realizing that he was a different person when he was actively using? We are both trying to move forward in this relationship and understand that we have both made mistakes over the years. I just don't know if anything good would come out of confronting him. It would just bring up past hurts.

Any advice on how I should handle this?

hopeangel

married - i'm a big believer in open communication. i guess the question to ask is if it will make you feel better to talk to him about it?

Tazman53

Will it lead to anything positive for either of you?

chero

Married, What an awful situation for you to be in. I'm with the others. Ask yourself what you hope to gain from questioning him.

If it is something you'll never be able to live with unless you know-then ask.

Hugs and prayers!
(((((MARRIED)))))

CE Girl

Yup, ditto Married. The focus is on YOU and what YOU want.

If the relationship is this good, you each should have no problem communicating up front and honest

Peace

twinsis

I wish you luck and strength no matter which way you decide to go. 12 years is a long time, but if it will eat you up to not talk to him....

care4uNJ

Great question!!! Personally, I don't see anything positive about bring up past indiscretions. You are no longer married to THAT guy. THAT guy is in the past. I would put all of your focus and energy into THIS guy and sustaining/nurturing the great relationship that you two have built over the last several years.

Jo

loveRoy

If it were me, not knowing would eat me alive. But that is the kind of person I am.

steve11694

Your husband may not even know what/who it was for as he very well may have been blacked out. You know how alcohol alters and twists the mind. I personally wouldn't/don't care about things my AW has done because honestly she is not even at the steering wheel.

denny57

I think if it was something that would always be somewhere in the back of my mind, I'd just share that I found it and how it made me feel, no accusations. If I thought I might be able to let it go, I'd do so.

I think key is expressing feelings, not accusations.

Good luck and congratulations on the new relationship with your husband.

steve11694

One of the keys to recovery is letting go of resentment, on all sides.

ICU

Brilliant! Just Brilliant!!! (adding to my list of inspirational quotes...thanks Denny!)

Pick-a-name

I understand the hurt,but like you said yourself: he is now coming from a different place and becoming what all these years you hoped for. That is better that any piece of jewelry.

What good would it do? It is in the past and you know about it,to boot. Why ask for the hurtful details? Nothing will be gained from it.

Perhaps someday it will come up as an amends.

MsGolightly

something like this would eat away at me (in fact, it has!) and i would get angry at my ex just thinking about it, even if it wasn't something i wasn't technically "supposed" to know about. i hate feeling like i'm being lied to, because if there's one thing i value most in a relationship, it's honesty.

if it would help you to bring it up, i would, and perhaps you'll get another confirmation that he has changed, doesn't want to be that person anymore, etc. ignorance is bliss i suppose?

marriedtoit

Thanks for all the responses.

My husband has been truthful about his past (what he can remember about it any way) and that is why I think I know who might have been the recipient of this jewelry. We've had open and honest discussions and that's why I'm so torn. We both decided in order to work on our relationship, we had to let the past be the past. So while this hurts, what good would come of bringing up something that happened so long ago?

Like I said, my husband had gone through recovery on several other occasions and I expected him to change while I remained bitter and resentful about things he had done to me. I was just so angry at him and constantly let him know it. I spent a lot of time being a martyr. I no longer wanted to play the victim so this time I sought out counseling and decided to change with him. Believe me, I am a much happier person focusing on the present than I ever was focusing on the past. I truly think this is what made the difference in his recovery.

I did like Denny's advice about mentioning the fact that I found the receipt and let my husband know how it made me feel. I don't want to make any accusations because I don't really know why he bought it. I am only making assumptions at this point. I do know that my husband has done some pretty bizarre stuff when he was actively using so who knows? It's possible he purchased the items on a credit card and then sold the items for cash so he could buy drugs. I do know that he has done that before and if he did buy these items for another woman, I can't change that.

MsGolightly

in my opinion, i'd trust my gut. if you're pretty sure you know who it was bought for and when, is there any reason to ask? i've found that my intuition is almost always right, so would it make you feel any better to hear the words come from his mouth?

i'd sleep on it for a few more days, let it rest, and then decide what you want to do.

GlassPrisoner

I'm with InThisForMe, you know what happened, why bring it up ? What do you possibly hope to gain ?

Also, I'll remind you of an alkies 9th step:

The Big Book eludes heavily to making amends about marital indescretion in a general way. My sponsor has all but told me, "No names!"

Spiritual Seeker

Why dwell in the past. Your man is still with you and he is sober. Sounds like today is pretty good.I seem to always side with GlassPrisoner.

ebv

To have piece of mind, I'd ask him (without accusing him) does he remember what the reciept was for because it's been so long ago you don't, being married as long as you have you should know if he's no being truthful.
Good luck and prayers to you and your family.