CE Girl

Pandoras Box, in Greek mythology opens the question of why there is evil in this world

I was gonna tack on to my "What the hell was he thinking,," thread, but I decided a "new discovery" deserves a new thread.

So, guess what I learned yesterday?,,Ok, all you VETERNS stop gigling now,,,,

The consequences of breaking your own boundries.

Aside from the obvious one, it opens the door for more manipulation.

Seeing him yesterday, opened the Pandora's Box

Should have stuck to my boundry

In the end, it forced me to look at the BIGGEST codie question of them all

Why do I do the things I do, and feel the way I feel

Spent last night obsessing about my A. How did he do at the interview? What if he gets this job, miracuosly get "cured" and lives happily ever after with someone other than ME!!! All the time knowing being almost right back at square one was on ME!! I put myself in that position, the familiar "twisting" of entwining myself with my A. Full blown disease back in business. Almost felt like I was back in day one. No matter what I did, how I tried to take my mind off of it, I was CONCIOUS of the consequesnces of breaking my own boundry. And as usual, my obsession stopped my forward progression.

What a dope I was. Here I thought that boundry was for my A.

So, why did I see him yesterday?

~Gulp~ Cause I'm not grasping how to make it all about ME!!!

Any enlightenment would be greatly appreciated

And how did I feel about seeing him yesterday?

Reading what I wrote, I tried to convince myself i was numb. WRONG!! Protective mechanism. What I felt, " I was needed"

How do I realize it is MYSELF that is needed?

Peace

chero

OMG!!!! It's so confusing!!!!

So what should you have done yesterday?? Not have gone down there?

CE Girl

EXCATLY, I should not have gone down there!!!

NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT.

Instead I fell into the old codie behaviour of making an excuse how I didn't want to create a scene. When in reality, I didn't put MYSELF first. Who cares if there was a scene!! It would of been my A that caused it, not me!!!

instead, I went with my "excuse" saw him and opened the "Pandora's Box" of pain I'm been trying to keep the lid in these last 2 months

Rella927

You did what? Did I miss something here? Broke your own rule again now you need to change it to ______?

CE Girl

Ya, Rella,,, It's all in the "What was he thinking,,," thread.

I thought I had a good REASON

Instead it was an excuse

I'm learning the difference between those two

And I'm a mess because of it

Rella927

((((CE)))) Do not be so hard on yourself! It happens....it happened to many in here-I cannot even count how many times it happened to me! Put it this way I do not have that many fingers!

In the start it is tuff to detach-hence meetings, journaling, counseling, SR! Whatever works for you to keep you on track and not falling off!

It is ok...it happened now what are you going to do about it for YOU?

denny57

Sometimes I needed to feel the pain over and over. Much like the alcoholic.

Tess L

Don't be so hard on yourself. There's no such thing as perfection. Just dust yourself off and put it behind you. Make today all about YOU.

SaTiT

You kind of nial it on the head....that's why it's good to write things out.

"obsession or you obsess"
how did you became this way....it didn't happened overnight.

Becuase when the alki is drinking or using..they're not aware of consequence
or can careless about anything becuase they're f-up out of their damn mind.
While you're wonder and worrying about the danger of it all,
becuase you're not numb or f-up. Like any normal human being would do
is be aware and care..and take appropriate actions, knock it off or stop.
Through time (years) and a constant re-enfrocement of seeing things
get worst and worst..you simply worry more, but the damn alki is still
on a trip into the twiglightzone...You actaully feel and see the consequence
as things get worst and worst..but the alki never stops..

Your mind has now became a will oil obsessive machine and also gose
into automatic mode of doing it day in and day out..You simple wake up
everyday..wondering wtf is going to happen now..it has become the norm.

why can't you stop...becuase you're a human being..you simply love
someone very much and care..like a normal human being would.
You are emotional attach to someone ..like a normal human being would be.

But it has become unhealhlty, but no matter what..you have hope
or think that somehow love would conquer all or somehow you can
see it through...like any humans with morals would do..
the thing of it is...if the alki is numb...stuff like that is the furthest thing
from thier mind.

You open the box again...becuase now your mind is simply addicted
or had adjusted to the chaos. it needs to create situations to release
the endorphines...it has become the norm. Seeing him...your brain
fired all kinds chemicles in your brain. Your brain had taking over you
and became your master...You must take it back and become it's
master again.

Basically in a nutshell...you must detox from intoxinating people or
behaviors. Going through withdraws is tough because you get all kinds of
guilt or moral values running through your mind.
Plus you also have emotional attachments..
if you had sex...a female will have chemicle attachment to her partner for 72 hours
at the very least.

I hope the make sense.

Rella927

Loved this Denny! Your replys inspire me!

Feeling the pain over and over because of our own disease-(makes sense!)

LaTeeDa

I just want to say that this is HUGE! Possibly the biggest cause of my behaviors was the "need to be needed." Affection and love were not given freely in my family growing up, so as a result of that, my subconcious brain determined that I needed to earn love. I wasn't worthy of being loved unless I did something lovable. Thus the need.

This is not something you can change just by knowing it is there. It takes time and determination to change those beliefs, which will then help in changing the behavior. I just wanted to say that knowing is the first step on the road to changing, though. So even though you may not feel that way, you are making huge leaps forward! Keep up the good work!

L

P.S. Journaling helped me to dig these things out and shine a light on them. Counseling, as well.

CE Girl

SaTIT,

What you say makes more "sense" than I could of ever thought. You put in words, what I've been struggling to explain to MYSELF.

I can not emotionally detach from my A. BECAUSE of my morals and NEED to "save". I honestly have felt throughout my life, my compassion and genuine love and care towards my fellow human beings, has been a gift I was given. In so many situations, I've been the one people go to for advice. not a concious effort on my part either, that's what makes it a gift. i just seem to be able to "relate" and "resolve" when it comes to others. but when its me, I have the hardest time.

Your right when you say, the A is NUMB, and unable to CARE about the consequences of his actions. I TOTALLY relate to your "twilightzone" analogy and have actually USED that term with my A in the past. One of the things that made me draw the boundry was i felt I was living it that zone myself. Unacceptable to me. I LOVE life too much.

Denny, I have drawn the analogy between my A's disease and my own quite often over the last couple of weeks. The similarities are striking. I can't help but think, the spirits are showing me so that I may understand what HE is going through. While at the same time, I think, "ya well, unlike HIM, I will live by my example and "say what I mean, mean what I say"

That's why I'm so HARD on myself everyone. I disapoint myself when I fall.

I think its a good thing

Whenever my A fell, he would say he was sorry for disapointing ME

That how I know he is not ready to get well

He's not doing it for HIMSELF. Instead, putting that responsibility on me

What am I doing for me Rella?

Not a whole lot. Surviving is taking most of my efforts these days. And yup, its making me mad. I'm in the middle of some MAJOR changes in my life, and instead of grabbing the brass ring, I'm STUCK in the quicksand again. Non movement towards my "goals", Its like holding your breath, standing very, very still wondering as SaTIT says for "wtf is gonna happen NOW"

I think I'm having a bad day

denny57

That helps. For me, it's also about understanding recovery is difficult. I should stop asking someone else to change if I can't, or won't, do it myself. It isn't about him.

Rella927

Exactly CE answer that question yourself, what are you going to do for YOU to get yourself back on track?

It is ok to have a bad....have it!

What can you do for YOU to take care of YOU and not wait for "wtf is gonna happen now"

You need to decide what happens next!

Meeting maybe?

MsGolightly

omg, NO KIDDING! you just described me through and through!

i entered a helping profession because it's WHAT I DO. i help, i listen, i solve problems, i UNDERSTAND others. i'm the queen of empathizing. that's been my biggest problem. i even think i'm better at it than most - definitely better at it than anyone i know - and since i can relate so easily to others, it's almost impossible for me to detach. there's always something in my mind that makes me understand where my A is coming from (she says this but means THIS, she's doing this because of THIS - it also doesn't help being a psychologist )

a friend once told me that i could sympathize with my A through anything. she could rob a bank, and i'd somehow make an excuse for her... i'd somehow make it okay. some of this is normal, some of it isn't. you live and learn i guess!

CE Girl

DUH!! Light finally dawns over this thick injuns head. Knowing that, I feel GUILTY all the times I thought, "if he loved me he would do this for me"

To your point Denny, if I can't do it for myself, how can I expect someone else too?

Oh brother, I GET that!! I just don't know HOW to do it for myself!!!

I feel I'm on the brink, but stepping over the edge is an abyss. Frustrated that I can't tie it in.

LATee,,,you just validated that for me, I can't expect a QUICK fix, this is really that deep rooted huh?

Rella, I think what I'm gonna do for myself is just write. Delve into WHY I can't fix myself. The meetings, counseling, support on SR will not be able to do that for me. I have to find the "foundation". What cause me to be a codie in the first place. Only then, i think will I be able to surface and TAKE the help that is offered through these other outlets


[b]i entered a helping profession because it's WHAT I DO[/quote]

As did I InThisForMe. Why wouldn't we? Isn't the point of our professions to capitalize on our inbred talents? I was saying yesterday how I think there is a VERY fine line between "codieism" and compassion. Its WHO we encournter and the individual relationships we have that mark the difference.

Peace

LaTeeDa

Ah, the quick fix. I so wanted one of those, too. Tried real hard for awhile to find one, too. Here it is almost two years later, and I'm still working on me. I don't believe it ever ends, but it does get better and better the more you keep on going. Sometimes it amazes me just how much different I am than I was. That's another good thing about journaling, you can look back and remember just how messed up you once were.

L

CE Girl

PLEASE!! I can look back two WEEKS on this site and see how far i've come

Still got a long way to go however,,,

So, I made the mistake of reading his email about how the interview went,,

DOING THE TWISTING DANCE

I so hope he is LYING again

Said it went well, was there almost three hours and feels he will get an offer

The job is 45 minutes away from where I'm moving. Shortening the current distance between us by over an hour.

Let me back up

When we were together, we talked about moving/settling into the city I am moving too. He was going to get a job closer and relocate. He even told me once, "If you ever leave me, at least I will be close and can be persistent in my pursuit of you"

I'm tweeked the hell out!!!!!

He does not know I am moving in two weeks. At least not from me, but it appears he found out?

Please don't let him get this job

Oh, and he also mentioned contemplating coming to my house after the interview.

Thank the spirits he didn't do that!!!

quack, quack, codieism in FULL bloom,,,GET OUTTA MY HEAD!!!

Peace

lovemypup

Maybe your just not ready to leave him yet. It took years of going thru this for me, and I do mean years. Then one day it just hit me and there was no turning back and I new it and I did not want to turn back. I knew exactly what I wanted to do. It was not easy but I knew that it was time. No amount of quacking was going to turn me around.

SaTiT

There nothing wrong with having compassion for our love one.
I have a lot of compassion for my GF. I know deep down inside she's suffering
I love her very much...too much.

Everything i mention about my gf is not an attack on her or me..
Belive me I have my flaws...

For me...I needed to throw the moral issues out of the equation,
becuase all that got me was a guilt trip upon her and upon myself.
I had to go through that so i don't step in that trap again..

By using different words such as healthy or unhealthy. I was able to
make more sane decisions. It change my perceptions of how I was
thinking and it allow me to evautate the situation cleaer. I was able
to let go without the guilt trip..I simply was making a healther chioce.

By going through all of these experince as rella mention
I made plenty of mistakes, By talking or writing it ..
I became more aware it..I simply catch myself faster and faster everytime.

I can read about it but through experince..my brain processes it and make
adjustments. I bascially go through a learning cruve as I learn from my mistakes.
Others had also made the same mistakes as I have..it's part of the learning..
so..I shouldn't beat up on myself for actaully making progress or actaully
doing it right..
Through that process, I also learn something new, or became more
aware or have an ahah moment, or my consciene kicks in.
A piont of clearity or a brain fart..

My obsessive behaviors stems from unresolves anger or a problem..
I've been barking up the wrong tree..my gf would never resolve it.
I then relize it had to be resolved with in myself. I'm starting to
take back my life and make healthier chioces and focus more on me.
Change my thinking change my life.