CE Girl

SaTIT, you have NO IDEA what that statement DID for me today ((((()))))

Your absolutely right. I finally stopped long enough at one point to examine why I was behaving the way I was all of a sudden. I have felt so strong these past two months, stronger after the no contact the last 3 weeks. I am woman, hear me ROAR!!!

Wrong

Thats what Arrogance gets ya

Big FAT dope slap. When I examined WHY I was behaving the way I was. Out of control and all caught up in my A's life again, I realized, it wasn't HIM at all. I had a disapointment earlier in the morning. And instead of TELLING the person I was disapointed in, I went off on Codie behaviour. USING, yes, I said USING my A as an EXCUSE. Almost like he's made me feel in the past, "IT"S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!"

How convenient for me. Ya think?!?!?!?!?

I'm not beating myself up guys, I'm having enlightenment. Reality and seperating the excuses from the reason.

Yes, I read his emails today. Yes, I responded to them. And I wanted to believe. No, to be perfectly honest I WANT to beleive what he says in them. How he KNOWS its his fault all caught up in his disease and I was the one who bore the brunt of it and as Rella (thank you Girl) says, QUACK< QUACK< QUACK!!! What I have LEARNED from working my program, and yes, I got a TON more to do, is that there is no instant cure. Its a long, hard extremmly difficult road. Life long committment. And truth be told, I'm not sure I can sign up for that.

For me, that is a weakness.

Now the trick is to make it a strength

I'm exhausted. We all KNOW that feeling don't we?

Peace

rosalie

I was in counseling a few years ago . I am a Social Worker. The Psychiartists asked me why I chose the profession I did and my answer was to"help people"
When asked why I liked to help people I responded "It makes me feel good to know I have made a difference in someones life" So was I doing it for them? Or for me? That is a hard question to answer isn't it? I still don't have the answer.

CE Girl

I have no idea how to answer that question Rosalie.

But I think that may be the foundation of me "codieism"

Thank you

Peace

SaTiT

Both...the theraputic vaule of one addict helping another..
or the theraputic value of one codi helping another
The theraputic value of one human being helping another.
I know i'm not alone is all of this..I'm only passing on what i learned
and what was passed on to me. that's how I get well

My gf is also a social worker..she helps children.
There's something there that she needs to resolve from her childhood pain.

weakness...
well..sense i was barking the wrong tree , spending a good part of my time and energy
on another person that dosen't appriciate my love. I got lost in there somewhere
Since i start focusing on myself again ...I found myself again...I might as will
start loving myself for a change. I actaully forgot who I was..
So I just start writng about myself..making a simple list of what I like to do.
I love music, i love playing my guitar..
For three years..having had to deal with all the chaos..
I didn't play music or got invlove with hobbies..hardly no friends came over.
So I start doing these things and I tell myself I love myself everyday.
Graudaully my doing these things, my self esteme improve.
I smile more, I enjoy life more and I know I can live wothout my gf..another ahha moment.lol

If I feel too weak..the heck with it ..I just tell myself a loving HP loves me no matter
what, unconditionally every moment, everyday. I'm over flow with that love.
I just allow myself to accept it. If god is love or the spirit of love..
I don't go into a great debept about..I just accept it..It works me...
That's the way I understand it. once i accept that..I don't feel so weak anymore.
And I'm not so desperate/obseess to bend myself backwards for my GF anymore.
if I can accept all the chaos or bs in the past..surely I can accept a good thing
don't know if it's god talking to me or just a posistive/better part of me...
I dun no...it dosen't matter...It's HEALHTY

CE Girl

Finding oneself again.

I had to do that once, long ago.

I remember asking myself, "what's your favortie color?" and not being able to answer.

I could tell you everyone else's though

What was my favorite food?

No clue, but I could cook everyone elses though

What clothes are you most comfortable in that truly reflect who you are?

You mean I don't have to dress like everyone else?

How silly of me to forget, the answer to these questions, lie in my "core"

Once I dig it all out, only then can I be free

Peace