First time post
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 8
First time post
Hi all,
I've never posted anything online before but by chance I stumbled on to one of your site's threads and I found I could really identify with what I was read.
My husband doesn't think he has a drinking problem - he rather thinks that I have a problem - that I'm controlling him. When I ask him if he's been drinking he denies it or says he has just had 'one' drink and I should 'get off his back'. So I start to think am I going crazy, is it all in my head? But I don't think so - over the last year he has been drinking alone outside at least four nights a week and I have found bottles of alcohol hidden in the back yard and I think there are many more he hides from me. Plus I notice his personality changes - he starts raving on about abstract ideas and when I look into his eyes it's like it's not him - he's gone somewhere else. And he is grumpy, easily irritated and withdrawn when he's not drinking. He just seems absent in our marriage.
It's so hard cause on the surface we look like such a 'lovely young professional' family with three beautiful children. And I've begun to realise how important this is to me - I was an only child and grew up without my dad and I always wanted to give my children the type of childhood I missed out on - two parents, brothers and sisters and money - basically what I think of as 'normal'. And I've worked so hard to achieve this - often making excuses for my husband's drinking, ignoring it, always thinking things will get better.
But it's got to the point in the past month where I have just detached from him emotionally - I would like to get to the point where I can detach lovingly - but I think I'm so co-dependent that I don't know how to do this. So at the moment I've stopped being affectionate and warm with my husband. This is painful for me as I usually get a lot of good feelings from being the giving, loving wife. And I also like peaciful, harmonius relationships even if it's only on the surface.
My husband has agreed to go to counselling with me, but not about his drinking.
It is nice to write this to you all - I can't be totally honest with my friends and family as I don't want their pity and I don't want them to see my marriage as a failure (silly I know).
Thank you for listening.
I've never posted anything online before but by chance I stumbled on to one of your site's threads and I found I could really identify with what I was read.
My husband doesn't think he has a drinking problem - he rather thinks that I have a problem - that I'm controlling him. When I ask him if he's been drinking he denies it or says he has just had 'one' drink and I should 'get off his back'. So I start to think am I going crazy, is it all in my head? But I don't think so - over the last year he has been drinking alone outside at least four nights a week and I have found bottles of alcohol hidden in the back yard and I think there are many more he hides from me. Plus I notice his personality changes - he starts raving on about abstract ideas and when I look into his eyes it's like it's not him - he's gone somewhere else. And he is grumpy, easily irritated and withdrawn when he's not drinking. He just seems absent in our marriage.
It's so hard cause on the surface we look like such a 'lovely young professional' family with three beautiful children. And I've begun to realise how important this is to me - I was an only child and grew up without my dad and I always wanted to give my children the type of childhood I missed out on - two parents, brothers and sisters and money - basically what I think of as 'normal'. And I've worked so hard to achieve this - often making excuses for my husband's drinking, ignoring it, always thinking things will get better.
But it's got to the point in the past month where I have just detached from him emotionally - I would like to get to the point where I can detach lovingly - but I think I'm so co-dependent that I don't know how to do this. So at the moment I've stopped being affectionate and warm with my husband. This is painful for me as I usually get a lot of good feelings from being the giving, loving wife. And I also like peaciful, harmonius relationships even if it's only on the surface.
My husband has agreed to go to counselling with me, but not about his drinking.
It is nice to write this to you all - I can't be totally honest with my friends and family as I don't want their pity and I don't want them to see my marriage as a failure (silly I know).
Thank you for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, BecD, glad you're here!
You might want to start by reading the "stickys" at the top of the forum.
In a way, your husband is right when he says you have the problem; though not in he way he may mean it. If you are bothered by his drinking, that is your problem, and the good news about that is if it's yours, you can do something about it.
What worked for me was Al-Anon, therapy, reading, reading and more reading, SR and the support of our doctor, family and friends.
Please keep posting - look forward to getting to know you.
You might want to start by reading the "stickys" at the top of the forum.
In a way, your husband is right when he says you have the problem; though not in he way he may mean it. If you are bothered by his drinking, that is your problem, and the good news about that is if it's yours, you can do something about it.
What worked for me was Al-Anon, therapy, reading, reading and more reading, SR and the support of our doctor, family and friends.
Please keep posting - look forward to getting to know you.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by BecD 
My husband has agreed to go to counselling with me, but not about his drinking.
We have a few from down under who visit. Glad to have another.
Good because a counselor will help him see where the issue is and he just may find that the root of his issues is his drinking.
A nice place to start would be a read of the posts that say "sticky" beside them that are located at the top of the forum above the blue line.
Your not alone. You have found much support here.
Again...welcome.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 3
Hi Bec - today was also my first post. I can really identify with your post. I have also detached from my husband who sounds a lot like yours. In the past 2 years I have detached more and more each time he lies and keeps drinking/drugging after he tells me he will stop.
Like you, I want to keep everyone happy or give them the life I think they should have. I finally made the decision to leave, but I must say when I see him I feel sad for him and I tend to get weak. I want to know how to stay strong through this?
Like you, I want to keep everyone happy or give them the life I think they should have. I finally made the decision to leave, but I must say when I see him I feel sad for him and I tend to get weak. I want to know how to stay strong through this?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi Bec,
I'm glad you decided to post. Stick around, read all you can and soon you will have alot of new friends who understand your situation and will share what they have done to make their lives better.
I'm glad you decided to post. Stick around, read all you can and soon you will have alot of new friends who understand your situation and will share what they have done to make their lives better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Hey there BecD.
We really understand what you're going through. I'm glad you found SR...this is a great place to get support and learn lots about having a loved one who's an alcoholic.
It is common for alcoholics to hide bottles. It is also common for them to deny things ("what bottles"??? "oh, those are from the neighbor...", etc. etc.). Denial is a fierce part of alcoholism.
I can really relate to what you say about looking into his eyes and not seeing him there...like he's a different person. The same would happen with me and my AH. It really freaked me out. My AH's heavy drinking really changed his personality. He became increasingly incoherent, irrational, mean, and just plain nuts most of the time. I began to feel alone with a madman who stole my husband.
It was really hard for me to face the reality of the situation. But once I started to wake up...I couldn't go back to sleep...I couldn't put up with it anymore. It's been a hell of a year.
Anyways, I hope you keep posting...good to meet you
We really understand what you're going through. I'm glad you found SR...this is a great place to get support and learn lots about having a loved one who's an alcoholic.
It is common for alcoholics to hide bottles. It is also common for them to deny things ("what bottles"??? "oh, those are from the neighbor...", etc. etc.). Denial is a fierce part of alcoholism.
I can really relate to what you say about looking into his eyes and not seeing him there...like he's a different person. The same would happen with me and my AH. It really freaked me out. My AH's heavy drinking really changed his personality. He became increasingly incoherent, irrational, mean, and just plain nuts most of the time. I began to feel alone with a madman who stole my husband.
It was really hard for me to face the reality of the situation. But once I started to wake up...I couldn't go back to sleep...I couldn't put up with it anymore. It's been a hell of a year.
Anyways, I hope you keep posting...good to meet you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 8
thanks
Thanks for all your kind and wise words. It's amazing how good it is to feel understood and not having to be the strong one.
I too have the sense that I have 'woken' up to my husband's drinking and that there's no going back now. It is hard - I miss my 'real' husband and realise I used to take a lot for granted like just snuggling on the couch watching television - having rational conversations about things, feeling listened to etc. It's the companion type things I miss - just feeling like I'm sharing my life with someone.
But I am trying to focus more on self-care - it's a new for me as I tend to get good feelings from other-care and maytredom - I'm the classic co-dependent.
Thanks again for your responses - they mean a lot.
I too have the sense that I have 'woken' up to my husband's drinking and that there's no going back now. It is hard - I miss my 'real' husband and realise I used to take a lot for granted like just snuggling on the couch watching television - having rational conversations about things, feeling listened to etc. It's the companion type things I miss - just feeling like I'm sharing my life with someone.
But I am trying to focus more on self-care - it's a new for me as I tend to get good feelings from other-care and maytredom - I'm the classic co-dependent.
Thanks again for your responses - they mean a lot.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by BecD
But I am trying to focus more on self-care - it's a new for me as I tend to get good feelings from other-care and maytredom - I'm the classic co-dependent.
Having such traits is a wonderful thing. Through self recovery we learn to refocus and use our wonderful traits in a better manner. Taking care of you is the best place to start. You are worth all the love you have inside of you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR BecD.
I know the feeling. My ex, when sober, had the most beautiful, kind, gentle, and loving eyes. I fell in love with those damn eyes.
But, once under the 'destructive curse' of alcohol, they totally changed to mean, abusive, and frightening eyes. And it could happen in a split second!
I too pulled back, couldn't be affectionate, was fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing....your typical 'eggshell walk'. It was horrible.
Long story short, we eventually split. After we had parted, I learned that there was so much work I needed to do on myself....why I stayed so long, how did "I" turn into the person I had become with him, etc. I found many of those answers in related books, counseling, support groups, and, right here at SR!
So, like everyone has said, read, read, read, ask questions, post. There's a lot of healing to be found here for those that are willing and ready! Oh, and give Alanon meetings a try, and maybe some codependency books by Melody Beattie...'Codependent No More' is a good place to start for the basics. Many of us here also love 'The Language of Letting Go' too!
Keep coming back.
Originally Posted by BecD
and when I look into his eyes it's like it's not him - he's gone somewhere else.
But, once under the 'destructive curse' of alcohol, they totally changed to mean, abusive, and frightening eyes. And it could happen in a split second!
I too pulled back, couldn't be affectionate, was fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing....your typical 'eggshell walk'. It was horrible.
Long story short, we eventually split. After we had parted, I learned that there was so much work I needed to do on myself....why I stayed so long, how did "I" turn into the person I had become with him, etc. I found many of those answers in related books, counseling, support groups, and, right here at SR!
So, like everyone has said, read, read, read, ask questions, post. There's a lot of healing to be found here for those that are willing and ready! Oh, and give Alanon meetings a try, and maybe some codependency books by Melody Beattie...'Codependent No More' is a good place to start for the basics. Many of us here also love 'The Language of Letting Go' too!
Keep coming back.
Dang this is hard
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: South Alabama
Posts: 22
Holy Crap
My ex wife could have written that 2years ago...Verbaitum (sp) to a Tee
...was not until I sought help did I realise it. Yes a few slips last year but things have never been better..and we are friends once again..even better than when we were married.
...was not until I sought help did I realise it. Yes a few slips last year but things have never been better..and we are friends once again..even better than when we were married.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Welcome to SR BecD,,,,,
I could have written your post not too long ago. The "dawning" that my A was abusing alcohol. It was very surreal and for the longest time, I made "excuses" for him AND myself to safely sweep it under the rug.
Unfortunatly, I'm here to tell ya, it gets worse.
Just the fact you posted and are reading about others and more importantly RECOGNIZING through other peoples experinces, that your not in fact losing your mind, and may be on to something is a GOOD thing.
This site is AWESOME and has helped me so much through my own "discovery" process
Keep posting, keep reading, we all help each other
Peace
I could have written your post not too long ago. The "dawning" that my A was abusing alcohol. It was very surreal and for the longest time, I made "excuses" for him AND myself to safely sweep it under the rug.
Unfortunatly, I'm here to tell ya, it gets worse.
Just the fact you posted and are reading about others and more importantly RECOGNIZING through other peoples experinces, that your not in fact losing your mind, and may be on to something is a GOOD thing.
This site is AWESOME and has helped me so much through my own "discovery" process
Keep posting, keep reading, we all help each other
Peace
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by BecD
It's amazing how good it is to feel understood and not having to be the strong one.
Welcome BecD
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
