Tess L

Hi everyone,

I just need to vent.

Yesterday was our 24th wedding anniversary. I had a feeling he'd forgotten -again (he forgot last year too) - because he hadn't said anything about it. I handed him a card and a gift he ways "what's this for"? Of course once I told him what it was I got the OMG I'm in trouble look and he starts looking for excuses. He says "today's not the 25th is it?" Nope, its the 21st, the same day our anniversary has fallen on for the last 24 years. Then he says, I didn't know what day of the month it is. Arhhgggg! Of course he doesn't know what the date is, he doesn't worry about it because he hasn't worked in 18 years!!!! Then he has the nerve to ask me if I want to go out to dinner tomorrow night. I've spent way too many occasions celebrating after the fact because he's forgotten. I'm not doing it this time. I deserve better.

dollydo

I am sorry, I know it hurts. I agree, playing catch up is not the answer.

May I ask, why doesn't he work? You may have posted the answer before, I must have missed it.

Anyway, I have learned to not expect anything and then I am not disappointed.

My Best,

Dolly

elizabeth1979

Tess ((Big hugs)),
You do deserve better. I didnt get one birthday present or one anniversary present from my ex. He never remembered. I find that sort of thing very painful. I also understand the not working..mine didnt either.
You deserve better.
You really deserve better.

I know you shouldnt have to do it yourself, but I used to buy myself presents. I highly recommend it.

This is no reflection on you. Even if he forgets the date, you are special and wonderful and worthy of recognition.

ICU

Tess, I know that does hurt. I never once got a birthday or anniversary gift from my ex.

And yes, we 'do' deserve better. Maybe go out and get a little something special for yourself. No, it's not the same, but at least you'll know that you like it because you picked it out. I know that's not the point, but sometimes we have to do for ourselves. Self love and self care are important!

Tess L

Dolly, he has so many physical problems from the years of alcholol abuse that he is now disabled. Our house has two floors and I suspect I'm going to have to move to one with only 1 floor in the next couple years because he has a hard time with the stairs (he's only 54!)

Elizabeth, thanks for being so sweet! I'm sorry to hear you've been forgotten too. We both deserve better!

Tess L

Thanks, ICU. I've tried buying myself something in the past, but it didn't make me feel any better. Its not that I wanted anything special or even for him to spend a lot of money - I would have been completely satisfied with a card because then I'd know he didn't forget. I think Dolly's right, better to not expect anything so I won't be dissapointed.

dollydo

Tess,

Ok, got it, sorry that his health is so bad, such a shame...he is young.

I like the others idea, next year, do something special for you, a massage, have your nails done, a day with your friends...or whatever that would give you pleasure and make you feel as special as you are!

Tess L

I know your right, I should do something thats just for me, but I keep fighting it. The whole situation sucks. I never expected to be lonely while I was married.

dollydo

Lonliness is an interesting anomaly.

I have sat in a room with many people and have been lonely, yet, I can sit by myself and be alone but not lonely. I have learned to accept being alone (although I have been married) and thus have created many outlets that I enjoy thus I am not lonely. I create my own happiness and I do not depend on anyone else to make me happy and/or fullifilled.

Sometimes people feel guilty if they are interested in their own happiness first, they are people pleasers, and their goal is to make others happy first and foremost. Unfortunately, one cannot make anyone else happy, that has to come from within.

elizabeth1979

I spent the lonliest of times sitting next to someone.
You are not the only one who has felt that Tess.
I remember that void that I felt. Just like I was completely alone.

You say you are fighting doing something good for yourself, do you know why?
Sometimes its important for me to remember that just because someone should do something doesnt mean that they will and me taking care of my own needs does not absolve another from their responsibilities..it just means Im taking care of my needs.

prodigal

I can completely sympathize with your situation. My AH "forgot" our third anniversary. I had baked a small cake that was a replica of the top layer of our wedding cake - complete with fresh red roses and chocolate-dipped strawberries. I also bought him a card. Nothing fancy, just a small token. When I gave it to him, and he suddenly realized it was our anniversary, he rushed out to the store, brought home some roses and card, writing in it that he didn't blame me if I NEVER forgave him. Yeah, right....

A couple weeks later (and ever since) he has justified forgetting because (1) we had just moved to Arizona two months before, (2) he was learning his new job, (3) he was swamped with a new engineering project, blah, blah, blah.

I tossed the roses in a closet, dumped the "apology" card in a drawer, and got over it really fast. I was also promised a honeymoon we never took to Hawaii ... for THREE YEARS! If I want to go to Hawaii, I'm gonna need a very sturdy raft and a good pair of fins and flippers! LOL!!!!!

Spiritual Seeker

Sounds like he is not good with dates and remembering. If you want the date to be special why don't you make plans in advance and ask him to participate and be very literal with him. No point in being disappointed ea. yr. Remember the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting diff. results. A lot of men need us to tell them what our needs are.My mother is married to an alkie so I know it can be a lonely existence. If she asks him in advance to take her somewhere he will stay sober long enough to do it.

criss-cross

Tess L - Yesterday was my anniversary too.
I celebrated by myself - It will be my last anniversary!!!!

I didn't know how I'd do at work - so I didn't say anything until the end of the day. But you know what - I did ok.

He had called my cell phone at 8:42 a.m. - I didn't answer.
But what's worse he called then at 10:55 p.m. - I didn't answer. My daughter had a field trip and had to be at school at 5:30 a.m. this morning so calls that late just made me mad. Then since I didn't answer he called again at 11:30 p.m. - this time I answered and yelled at him for calling that late. He said Happy anniversary.

Last year he called on our anniversary to say he didn't know where he was and started crying. It's pretty hard to help him when he's drunk and lost in the dark. I don't know how he found his friend's house - and then his friend took him to detox.
I'm starting to put those days behind me.

We were only married for 13 years yesterday. Divorce trial is set for July.

chero

Oh Tess, I'm sorry!!!

My AH never remembers birthdays or anniversaries. One year he helped me carry in my birthday presents and balloons from my 30th b-day party I had at work and never picked up on the fact it was my b-day! And then he had the nerve to ask me what was for dinner.

rosalie

After 24 years at least you know what to expect. How sad for you. You have given him 24 years of your life and he doesn't remember. I am sure you deserve something great for putting up with 18 years of not working! You need to do something nice for yourself soon.

StandingStrong

(((Tess)))

My heart goes out to you.
I remember well how it feels to have a day that is special to you be forgotten by someone that should share it with you, and appreciate it as well.

I'm sorry that you were hurt - again.

Spiritual Seeker

The special days are the hardest emotionally. On these days we miss the attention we think we would get if our loved one was not an addict. Since my qualifyer is AS mother's day is difficult or Xmas when families are all getting together and I don't even know if I'll see my son. So now I understand how your anniv. feels lonely and empty and was a tough day for you. I thought about it and now I can relate even tho I've never been married to an A When my feelings are hurt I have to remind myself that "this too will pass" Hopefully you feel better today.