So what happens....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 91
So what happens....
I know there is no "typical" response when it comes to living with an A.
AW gets so bent up...sometimes she's actually left the house. Other times I've threatened to leave...and get the "if you go, you don't ever plan on coming back" speech/routine.
I have to wonder, because I'm about to my breaking point....what will happen when I've actually had enough...snap...and walk out the door?
It's to the point I keep a bag packed and in the trunk of my car in case it becomes time.
She has a very bad temper...lots of yelling, name calling and saying as much hurtful stuff as she can. I try not to respond...but it gets so hard when I've not done anything at all to deserve her rages...she's never hit me...she's threatened...and honestly, if she ever did that would be all of it.
I'm not scared of her...I'm not scared of being without her. I'm scared of starting over...I'm scared I'm so far in debt that I can't make it on my own. I'm scared I have nowhere to go...no one to turn to. Sometimes living in the street actually sounds better though, I must admit.
AW gets so bent up...sometimes she's actually left the house. Other times I've threatened to leave...and get the "if you go, you don't ever plan on coming back" speech/routine.
I have to wonder, because I'm about to my breaking point....what will happen when I've actually had enough...snap...and walk out the door?
It's to the point I keep a bag packed and in the trunk of my car in case it becomes time.
She has a very bad temper...lots of yelling, name calling and saying as much hurtful stuff as she can. I try not to respond...but it gets so hard when I've not done anything at all to deserve her rages...she's never hit me...she's threatened...and honestly, if she ever did that would be all of it.
I'm not scared of her...I'm not scared of being without her. I'm scared of starting over...I'm scared I'm so far in debt that I can't make it on my own. I'm scared I have nowhere to go...no one to turn to. Sometimes living in the street actually sounds better though, I must admit.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I don't think we have met, so I say welcome.
If you think you are in debt now, see where you will be in 5 years, it won't be a pretty story.
Start putting some money away in your own name, so, if you decide to walk you will have something to live on.
I am a planner, short term and long term, I have learned that if you do not have a plan, you plan to fail. That is not an option for me.
No doubt about it, she is abusing you..I can't tell you what to do, all I can say is
"Life is a song worth singing, sing it"
Keep posting, it will help. lots of great people here.
Dolly
If you think you are in debt now, see where you will be in 5 years, it won't be a pretty story.
Start putting some money away in your own name, so, if you decide to walk you will have something to live on.
I am a planner, short term and long term, I have learned that if you do not have a plan, you plan to fail. That is not an option for me.
No doubt about it, she is abusing you..I can't tell you what to do, all I can say is
"Life is a song worth singing, sing it"
Keep posting, it will help. lots of great people here.
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR AskingWhy!
I have to wonder, because I'm about to my breaking point....what will happen when I've actually had enough...snap...and walk out the door? There's no way to answer that for sure, but there are loads of possibilities! One that comes to mind is you won't be verbally abused, unless of course you take her phone calls, read her text messages or email.
Another is that it could be the first day of the rest of your life. In any event, if you think leaving might be something you'd consider doing, try making a plan while you're still there. That way, should the time come for you to leave 'spur of the moment' you'll have some things in place already...like extra cash stashed, important documents, a friend that you could crash with for a little while, etc.
Starting over can be scary for sure, but so many people have done it! Do you have a friend that you could stay with temporarily until you decide what to do from there? A hotel room for a few days perhaps?
As far as debt goes, I can relate for sure on that one. I'm working mine down slowly as I'm more concerned with rent, food, etc. But the point is, I'm doing it in spite of my debt.
Alanon is a good idea too. Have you given any thought to attending some meetings in your area?
In the meantime, read the posts here and the stickies at the top. You'll see that many of us have been through it (or are going through it) and can identify with many of the things you are concerned about too. And, you do have someone to turn to...US!!! You're not alone.
Keep coming back!
Originally Posted by AskingWhy 
I have to wonder, because I'm about to my breaking point....what will happen when I've actually had enough...snap...and walk out the door?
Another is that it could be the first day of the rest of your life. In any event, if you think leaving might be something you'd consider doing, try making a plan while you're still there. That way, should the time come for you to leave 'spur of the moment' you'll have some things in place already...like extra cash stashed, important documents, a friend that you could crash with for a little while, etc.
Originally Posted by AskingWhy
I'm scared of starting over...I'm scared I'm so far in debt that I can't make it on my own. I'm scared I have nowhere to go...no one to turn to. Sometimes living in the street actually sounds better though, I must admit.
As far as debt goes, I can relate for sure on that one. I'm working mine down slowly as I'm more concerned with rent, food, etc. But the point is, I'm doing it in spite of my debt.
Alanon is a good idea too. Have you given any thought to attending some meetings in your area?
In the meantime, read the posts here and the stickies at the top. You'll see that many of us have been through it (or are going through it) and can identify with many of the things you are concerned about too. And, you do have someone to turn to...US!!! You're not alone.
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New England
Posts: 30
I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. I don't have any useful advice - I'm still in the same position you are. Its really hard not to respond when the person you love is spewing venom at you. Stay safe and take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... Good to meet you.
Well when I was where you are at.... I started working on me.
Making plans for my life, opening my own account, finding out how much it would cost by looking at cheap apartments, getting a PO Box... etc... At one point I even got a small storage to start moving things that were important to me into.
Then I started working on my recovery, getting mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready for what was going to come. .....
Its hard, scarry and so sad it comes to that... but you cant control her, you can only make your life the best it can be.... Life is a gift, dont discard that gift hon.
Well when I was where you are at.... I started working on me.
Making plans for my life, opening my own account, finding out how much it would cost by looking at cheap apartments, getting a PO Box... etc... At one point I even got a small storage to start moving things that were important to me into.
Then I started working on my recovery, getting mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready for what was going to come. .....
Its hard, scarry and so sad it comes to that... but you cant control her, you can only make your life the best it can be.... Life is a gift, dont discard that gift hon.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Welcome AskingWhy,
Theres no script to follow, unfortunately.
However, the things I was most afraid of were the things that ended up being the most wonderful gifts.
I was afraid of starting over, I was so afraid of being alone.
I love it now. Coming home to peace is not something I could put a price on, but has been wonderful.
Glad you are here!
Theres no script to follow, unfortunately.
However, the things I was most afraid of were the things that ended up being the most wonderful gifts.
I was afraid of starting over, I was so afraid of being alone.
I love it now. Coming home to peace is not something I could put a price on, but has been wonderful.
Glad you are here!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Ditto to all the above....it is scary to start over and if I had known the end of my marriage was coming to a screeching halt - believe me when I say I would have put some cash away.....salt it away for as long as you can...even if its just a little bit at a time. Its been a year and a half for me and life is getting easier emotionally maybe not financially yet but I will get there and so will you if it ever happens. And active alcoholic is costly in many many ways to a family hun...and they cost a family in ways that we dont even realize until they are gone...good luck and hang in there.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Welcome AskingWhy!
So sorry for the situation you are in. Live with an A is well...volatile at best.
I just left my AH 13 days ago and like you I listed all the reasons I didn't think I could do it. Money, love, fear, being alone. I didn't think I had any place I could stay.
But then I found out there is help out there. Coming to SR was one of the best things I ever did. There is so much wisdom and knowledge to be gained here.
Please remember that you have a life, too. Even if you can't see it or believe it right now. If your wife doesn't want help then you can't help her. What you can do is help yourself.
Please make yourself your #1 priority!
Welcome!
So sorry for the situation you are in. Live with an A is well...volatile at best.
I just left my AH 13 days ago and like you I listed all the reasons I didn't think I could do it. Money, love, fear, being alone. I didn't think I had any place I could stay.
But then I found out there is help out there. Coming to SR was one of the best things I ever did. There is so much wisdom and knowledge to be gained here.
Please remember that you have a life, too. Even if you can't see it or believe it right now. If your wife doesn't want help then you can't help her. What you can do is help yourself.
Please make yourself your #1 priority!
Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
I had all those fears too (((askingwhy))). It's scary stuff! Starting over is daunting. Making a huge change can be really scary. It's natural to feel that way...your fears are normal. What you are having to deal with is extremely stressful.
The more I learned and opened my eyes to, the more I knew I had to leave. sigh.
When I started to realize that the "skipping CD" was never going to end...I was on a rollercoaster that just kept getting worse...I started to painfully realize that my marriage was over. It IS terrifying. But the alternative (staying in a terrible situation) was not an option.
I played his "game" for a long time...I actually thought we were getting somewhere...I actually thought for a while that all those hours of conversation and fighting were two-sided...I finally woke up and realized that I was all alone with a crazy, mean alien who had inhabited my husband's body.
The more I learned and opened my eyes to, the more I knew I had to leave. sigh.
When I started to realize that the "skipping CD" was never going to end...I was on a rollercoaster that just kept getting worse...I started to painfully realize that my marriage was over. It IS terrifying. But the alternative (staying in a terrible situation) was not an option.
I played his "game" for a long time...I actually thought we were getting somewhere...I actually thought for a while that all those hours of conversation and fighting were two-sided...I finally woke up and realized that I was all alone with a crazy, mean alien who had inhabited my husband's body.
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