I feel like a failure
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: ontario canada
Posts: 28
I feel like a failure
I had posted that I had my A b/f move out. I didn't stick to my guns. I didn't put all the dirty details in my original thread about this becuase it was too difficult. Making a long story short, I was out of town for a couple days with a supposed "friend". Said friend left me in a very bad position which ended up with me being sexually assaulted. I fought back (have the bruises and damaged cartilage in my nose to remind me 
) and thankfully the fact that I fought back avoided a full on rape situation. Either way I was traumatized. I fled where I was and through a series of buses, streetcars, subways and taxi's, made it to a safe place at a friends. Here I was 4 hours from home and wanting the support of my b/f. He went off. He didn't hear the story, he just heard that men had showed up at my hotel and went off, anger at it's worst. By the time I came home next day I was so ready to just throw him out. I needed him, this is the time I needed him MOST since we've been together. I felt totally unworthy of even a few minutes to explain what happened. By the time I hit home well he was off out the door to his brothers, 2 hours away, which normally is a big weekend long binge (brother is a A too, as is his wife). Well turns out my A did not drink. I was pretty shocked. Then some facts started trickling in to him, suddenly the light bulb comes on. No indeed I hadn't went out of town to "meet another man", no indeed I wasn't out "cheating" and yes in fact I was stuck in a horrible situation and was attacked and fought like a banshee and was terrified and had called him bawling to get support from him, love from him, something from him that wasn't vile and ugly, just to be heard, which I wasn't.
By the end of the weekend he was back in town and after insightful talks with family (his mother, sister , the ones that aren't addicts etc) he finally recognized he has some serious anger issues and has arranged to participate in anger management. He also realized that he needed private therapy to start to find out why he keeps screwing up his life as well as come to terms with his alcoholism, despite the fact that he is as of now sober since last August. (His mindset isn't that of one in recovery). Well I thought Kudos to you, but I have toughed out alot of times like this, but in this situation darn it I couldn't have him fail me then. I needed him. I felt very alone and scared and needed him to be the strong one, the one to make me feel safe and protected, the one to tell my story to and let it all out. I was furious at him letting me down before he knew the story. Then he knew the story and was really a broken man. He then knew he had blown the chance that first phone call to him with me in tears. He wanted to be there for me now that he knew the story but how? Obviously I was ready to rip body parts off of him if he came close to me.
Anyhow, over a period of a couple/few days and several conversations mediated with his sister (a dear friend of mine who is great at not picking sides, just being realistic about a situation) cool heads prevailed and that takes me to the current situation.
I have let him come back home. He is doing his counselling and anger management. I am doing my own counselling and sexual assault counselling (I start tomorrow). Once he was back home he was finally able to be there for me to talk to for support about what had happened. He did talk openly about the crazy way his mind races sometimes and takes him somewhere different than the reality of a situation. He seems for the first time able to express where he knows he is failing himself, our relationship etc. I am hopeful but at the same time so darned reserved.
I feel like a failure. I always knew my b/f had the ability to be one of the best men I had ever known, but he blows it, he will drink or let anger get the better of him even sober. I love him for the 90% of the time that he is everything I could want in a partner. Yet something in my mind is telling me what the heck are you possibly thinking. Let him go. Why did you sign up to try again? Who will get hurt if he fails to step up and do the work it takes on himself and on your relationship?
Even worse, I've been enjoying the optimism he is offering that he truly believes he is ready to get help to make the changes he needs to take. He is so confident that things are only going to get better for us from here on out. Almost as though it took something as nasty and dramatic as dropping the ball on me at a time like this one, to make him wake up and realize how his hot head etc are goign to destroy him, his life, etc. He says he is starting to feel like his father and the idea of being that man makes him ill. So I'm taking the comfort in all of this.
I am not a naive person. So why am I taking comfort from him right now? I am proud of the fact I'm doing counselling and assault therapy on my own. I am proud that despite this, the utilities that were under his name have changed over to me, leaving him no leg to stand on or anything to stress me out if something happens again and this ends. I am not proud of just taking him back home.
God, I never really understood codependency, the actual act of being codependent. I don't know anything about it but from what I read here I have the suspicion I should be googling it .... alot .... to learn about it.
What is wrong with me? Am I making a huge mistake based on my own dreams? Or a educated risk due to the things I'm hearing from A b/f???
Please don't be harsh on me, I really can't take it. Having said that, I can take the brutal honest truth and hoping some of you wise one's here can chime in and tell me what the heck I'm doing. Am I nuts?
) and thankfully the fact that I fought back avoided a full on rape situation. Either way I was traumatized. I fled where I was and through a series of buses, streetcars, subways and taxi's, made it to a safe place at a friends. Here I was 4 hours from home and wanting the support of my b/f. He went off. He didn't hear the story, he just heard that men had showed up at my hotel and went off, anger at it's worst. By the time I came home next day I was so ready to just throw him out. I needed him, this is the time I needed him MOST since we've been together. I felt totally unworthy of even a few minutes to explain what happened. By the time I hit home well he was off out the door to his brothers, 2 hours away, which normally is a big weekend long binge (brother is a A too, as is his wife). Well turns out my A did not drink. I was pretty shocked. Then some facts started trickling in to him, suddenly the light bulb comes on. No indeed I hadn't went out of town to "meet another man", no indeed I wasn't out "cheating" and yes in fact I was stuck in a horrible situation and was attacked and fought like a banshee and was terrified and had called him bawling to get support from him, love from him, something from him that wasn't vile and ugly, just to be heard, which I wasn't. By the end of the weekend he was back in town and after insightful talks with family (his mother, sister , the ones that aren't addicts etc) he finally recognized he has some serious anger issues and has arranged to participate in anger management. He also realized that he needed private therapy to start to find out why he keeps screwing up his life as well as come to terms with his alcoholism, despite the fact that he is as of now sober since last August. (His mindset isn't that of one in recovery). Well I thought Kudos to you, but I have toughed out alot of times like this, but in this situation darn it I couldn't have him fail me then. I needed him. I felt very alone and scared and needed him to be the strong one, the one to make me feel safe and protected, the one to tell my story to and let it all out. I was furious at him letting me down before he knew the story. Then he knew the story and was really a broken man. He then knew he had blown the chance that first phone call to him with me in tears. He wanted to be there for me now that he knew the story but how? Obviously I was ready to rip body parts off of him if he came close to me.
Anyhow, over a period of a couple/few days and several conversations mediated with his sister (a dear friend of mine who is great at not picking sides, just being realistic about a situation) cool heads prevailed and that takes me to the current situation.
I have let him come back home. He is doing his counselling and anger management. I am doing my own counselling and sexual assault counselling (I start tomorrow). Once he was back home he was finally able to be there for me to talk to for support about what had happened. He did talk openly about the crazy way his mind races sometimes and takes him somewhere different than the reality of a situation. He seems for the first time able to express where he knows he is failing himself, our relationship etc. I am hopeful but at the same time so darned reserved.
I feel like a failure. I always knew my b/f had the ability to be one of the best men I had ever known, but he blows it, he will drink or let anger get the better of him even sober. I love him for the 90% of the time that he is everything I could want in a partner. Yet something in my mind is telling me what the heck are you possibly thinking. Let him go. Why did you sign up to try again? Who will get hurt if he fails to step up and do the work it takes on himself and on your relationship?
Even worse, I've been enjoying the optimism he is offering that he truly believes he is ready to get help to make the changes he needs to take. He is so confident that things are only going to get better for us from here on out. Almost as though it took something as nasty and dramatic as dropping the ball on me at a time like this one, to make him wake up and realize how his hot head etc are goign to destroy him, his life, etc. He says he is starting to feel like his father and the idea of being that man makes him ill. So I'm taking the comfort in all of this.
I am not a naive person. So why am I taking comfort from him right now? I am proud of the fact I'm doing counselling and assault therapy on my own. I am proud that despite this, the utilities that were under his name have changed over to me, leaving him no leg to stand on or anything to stress me out if something happens again and this ends. I am not proud of just taking him back home.
God, I never really understood codependency, the actual act of being codependent. I don't know anything about it but from what I read here I have the suspicion I should be googling it .... alot .... to learn about it.
What is wrong with me? Am I making a huge mistake based on my own dreams? Or a educated risk due to the things I'm hearing from A b/f???
Please don't be harsh on me, I really can't take it. Having said that, I can take the brutal honest truth and hoping some of you wise one's here can chime in and tell me what the heck I'm doing. Am I nuts?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Please don't be harsh on me
All we can do is share our expereinces with you. And while I don't have the trauma you have suffered in the recent past, I do know what kept me a codie.
Trying to make someone ELSE happy
It wasn't until I made MYSELF happy, that I truly could let go of the demons
I'm still practicing by the way, thats what makes SR so great. With the help of the people on here and their experiences at ALL different levels maybe I too can acheive,,,,,,,
Peace
Keep writing and KUDOS to you for getting honest,,,,mostly with YOURSELF
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
What is wrong with me? Am I making a huge mistake based on my own dreams?
Ok... here is what I see and this is only my opinion.... take what you like and leave the rest....
Nothing is wrong..... sounds like you could use some CoDA/Al-anon meetings but I just see a person scared to death. You love him, stop beating yourself up for loving an Alcoholic.... You said he is 90% of what you dreamed of... you also said he is taking all the steps to give the other 10%..... Trust me ... It will never be 100% all the time. Sounds like you are afraid to have hope ... if you are that is ok too... and normal.
Im not sure how long you have been going through all this with him and you also have to remember.... Boundries are for you ... no one else, you have the right to change your boundries when you choose to do it. It is completely understandable you are seeking his comfort now... good heavens you were almost raped hon, I would think you crazy if you did not seek that strength from someone you love.... I completely understand you need of he to be the strong one and Im sorry he let you down.... From what your write he is pretty sorry too... I know that I have made mistakes like that too and let my fears get the best of me .....
Sounds to me like you have a pretty good chance..... He has been sober 8 months, realizes he has a disease and is willing to take steps to correct this issues.... He said he was going to get sober and he did (is trying)... so why the doubt that he will get help in theraphy and anger management.
But most of all.......... You dont have to make any decisions right now........... If your boyfriend is giving you comfort now, why dont you focus on what is really important at "this" moment.... getting the help you need .... learning to feel safe again.... Then you can deal with the codependence issues ...
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 66
You are going into counseling.He is starting anger management. You are both talking and sharing. Sometimes in life it does take something this dramatic happening to see the light.
Talk to the counselor about how you feel.
Go to counseling together.
You cannot survive in this world thinking about ''what if it ends'' ''how will I handle it'' That is starting down the path of negativity before you even have the knowledge of how it will be. That will make everything in your life a melodrama.
Think positive.If the worst happens you will handle it and survive.
What an awful trial you have been through. Good that you were able to fight off your attacker. Your pain,physical and emotional,must be tremendous right now. You need time to heal. If he can be that strong hold for you now and you are comfortable with him,that is OK. Do not worry about the future just yet,too much is going on for both of you.
Talk to the counselor about how you feel.
Go to counseling together.
You cannot survive in this world thinking about ''what if it ends'' ''how will I handle it'' That is starting down the path of negativity before you even have the knowledge of how it will be. That will make everything in your life a melodrama.
Think positive.If the worst happens you will handle it and survive.
What an awful trial you have been through. Good that you were able to fight off your attacker. Your pain,physical and emotional,must be tremendous right now. You need time to heal. If he can be that strong hold for you now and you are comfortable with him,that is OK. Do not worry about the future just yet,too much is going on for both of you.
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