WhatAboutME

I know you mean well, really. And I know what you're going through and how frustrating it is to watch someone you love throw their life away. A breathalyzer will not keep her from drinking. It just won't. People lose their jobs, their savings, their families, their lives, etc. and they still don't stop. I imagine you would start hearing an excuse to the tune of "It must be broken. It's wrong. It's malfunctioning. Etc." If she's going to drink, she's going to drink.

True, but she's not in prison and you're not her wardon. Before purchasing our current home, my husband and I lived in a duplex. It was a really cool building built in the early 1900's. It had a front door and back door that locked from the inside. We kept the key in the lock at all times (inside) to easily lock the door and unlock the door. One weekend, my husband was on a lovely binge. I decided to lock him in the house so he could not go to the store and buy more alcohol in the hope he would stop drinking for the weekend. You know what he did? He jumped out the freakin' window!

You love her like your child? You take care of a child. A relationship is supposed to be 50/50. And an alcoholic will behave just like a child - If you impose restrictions on them, they will rebel, just like a child. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you really are getting the short end of the stick with this relationship.

Grasshopper

hi,when chains start to bind me,i let go of those good folks.The breathalzer,is only a cover,up,to hide the real issue.The, real issue,is trying to,control,.,another.This can become toxic.

elizabeth1979

Oh man oh man oh man.
sad, best of luck here.

OUCH. I hope nobody ever says that about me. Do you mean unconditionally?

Ill be really frank here.
This is shaping up to be a battle allright. YOU vs. ALCOHOL and
YOU vs. HER
She wont see it as the two of you vs. the disease and you wont win.

Best of luck.

CE Girl

I have to concur with Elizabeth 100%

Sad, you came here for support. I'm afraid I for one, can not support the prision your sentencing yourself too.

I read on one of these threads, "Love can not cure the disease"

No matter how much we ALL want it too

I can totally relate to your "committment" to see her well

I am not different than you, my love for my A totally unconditional

Even IF that condition is I let go and let god

JMHO

If nothing else Sad, keep reading and posting,,,

Peace

denny57

No, it won't.

chero

Sad, I've been thinking about you this morning and the need you feel to use the breathalyzer.

I was thinking about the desperate measures we take when all we really want is the best for our As. You aren't doing anything you don't think is the right thing to do. But sometimes our love is misguided.

You can't love her well. She has to love herself enough for that.

Someone told me once that maybe I was keeping my AH from reaching his bottom.
I think they were right about that.

Tazman53

sad as an alcoholic I had to laugh at your breathalyzer idea.

When I was drinking sure I would try and hide it, but I can tell you right now that a breathalyzer would not have stopped me from drinking. The only thing it would have done is cut down on my lying.

I do not car how much my wife or my kids begged me to cut back or stop if I wanted to drink I was going to drink.

If you want your wife to quit drinking then you are going to need to do what my wife did with me.

Either make her face her alcoholism head on by herself or let her know that in a very short time frame you are going to make her face it by herself.

As long as you are "Helping Her" you are doing just that, you are "Helping Her" DRINK!!!

She gets sick, you help her, she gets a DWI you bail her out. She gets drunk when you all are getting ready to go some where, you call your friends and make excuses for her such as "We can't make it, my wife is sick." She is to drunk to take the kids to soccer, you take them. She passes out and forgets to set the alarm to wake up in the morning, you set it for her.

As long as you help her keep drinking she will keep on drinking, I did, I lied, I made promises, I worked out deals, I told my wife anything she wanted to hear to where I could keep on drinking.

I did not stop drinking until I knew it was going to be me facing all of life with just me and my bottle, no body "Helping me".

doorknob

They keep you from driving if they are installed on your vehicle.

minnie

Only if there's no-one else around to blow into it for you......

elizabeth1979

More important than knowing only the alcoholic can make themself stop, is knowing that only I can make myself stop enabling.
Thats really the lesson.

WhatAboutME

sad, I hope you don't think that I or anyone else is coming down too hard on you or belittling your idea about the breathalyzer. I've played that game for more than 10 years, and many others here much longer. I too thought of the breathalyzer at one time, but there was no point. My AH would probably still deny drinking and say the machine was wrong or just admit to drinking (gasp) - And then what? The breathalyzer won't keep him from having another drink. That machine is not a tool of recovery, but rather a tool of control, and that is "your" problem. She is an adult, and even though she is not making the best decision to drink, it still is her decision. It took me many, many years to truly accept that. If my AH wants to drink and even kill himself by drinking, then that is HIS choice. I choose to LIVE. While I totally commend your committment to your relationship and her recovery, I fear you will just drive her away by ruling with an iron fist, so to speak. When my AH could no longer deal with the rules of our home and my own boudaries, he ran away, literally. He took off running down the street with a small backpack of clothes, a couple of bucks in his pocket and an unstoppable desire to drink his troubles away.

steve11694

I bought one to be able to show my wife that she really isn't OK to drive even though she thinks she is. She refused to use it. Her grandiosity, arrogance and denial were insurmountable by reason or logic. Intervention was a "no show"

Tazman53

Interventions are a waste of time unless the alcoholic was all ready ready to quit. If they had tried it on me 6 months before I saw death in my future I very well may still be drinking today.

steve11694

sad#3 I was in YOUR shoes.I tried to use love to get her to spot drinking. I became her caretaker, father, big brother, etc etc. She lost interest in things she used to do as a family. Her new "secret friends" DRINKERS, became her world. Our home was only her "base camp"

Alcoholics are self deluded, in denial, lie automatically. You should read the books that were suggested and meet with an addiction rehab counselor to help you learn to understand you DO NOT have control over her drinking, or her anymore for that matter. MANY DO recover so DO NOT take our posts as a NO HOPE message. There is lots of hope for her but you should be armed with the knowledge and right tools to help. Stop enabling, Tazmans post was excellent. Your love and kindness will ONLY prolong her drinking. An intervention might work. When the pain exceeds the pleasure she may seek sobriety.

steve11694

Not according to Jeff Jay, (Hazelden). He is a renowned interventionist and recovering addict/alcoholic.

The idea is to overwhelm the addict with emotion from loved ones/friends to raise the bottom and get them into treatment.

I have heard alcoholics say the same thing you say but for some reason the intervention did compell them to treatment. Some do sign out of treatment or relapse.

Tazman53

Steve I am not saying it does not work, I am just saying my experience has been that unless the alcoholic was ready any how the chances are pretty slim.

I will agree that many times an intervention will get an alcoholic into rehab due to every one and thier brother begging and shaming them to do something about their drinking, but if they are not ready, they are either going to opt out of the rehab or relapse very soon after getting out.

Contrary to popular belief amoung non-alcoholics, we do have a great deal of pride!

Actually to much pride, which results in our having to hit a bottom of our choosing before our ego is deflated enough to admit we have a problem and need help.

doorknob

Geez... if you have someone with you who could pass it, why not let them drive? Plus, that sucker goes off about every 15-20 minutes and you have to retest while driving. Mine was a POS, and it took two hands to use and put away. I had a few close calls using it while trying to drive. I did have my gf take one of the 'random rolling' tests because I was going through very deep snow and any hesitation would have left us stranded in the boonies. But for me, it helped me do the right thing.

doorknob

How much?

PaperDolls

How is it going today Sad?

As an alkie - I have to say, like lots her said as well, the breathalyser would not have kept me from drinking. I just would have been caught more often. Then what?

I would have been defensive and mad and angry -- also drunk. I don't know your situation but for sure I would have turned it back on my partner and said "Oh, you can just trust me?" ........ catch my drift?

Also -- my mom is a recovering alkie. Going on her 5 year sober. As much as I wanted to "save" her, I finally realized I couldn't do it for her. She had to want it for herself. She finally stopped drinking after 5 (or 6 or 7?) rehab visits, a divorce, 5 or 8 times being kicked out of halfway house's, her sister kicking her out (twice), her daughter (me) kicking her out, and ending up in ICU, comatose for a week.

Please check back in and let us know how you are doing.

hugs

rosalie

SAD*** I feel different than most posting. If she is willing it cannot hurt in anyway as far as I can see. That she is willing to take the test is a positive not negative. Of course you cannot 'make' her stop drinking. If she is willing to take the test it only serves to give you both peace of mind. I have heard of others who have tried this with a family member and it worked well for them. Do what is right for both of you. You sound like a compassionate man she is blest to have you. It takes great courage to stand by someone who has this disease. Every relationship is different and ever changing.