jlcarey

Hi all, I'm new here. I just have a question for anyone who attends Al-Anon or who has in the past been through the Al-Anon program. My father-in-law is an alcoholic, although he won't admit it. My mother-in-law attends Al-Anon meetings weekly. Now granted, I have noticed a big change in her attitude since she started going, it seems to me that she wants to blame EVERY little problem in the family on Alcoholism. Now don't get me wrong, I do recognize that Alcoholism is a big problem and affects a lot of things in the entire family's life, but surely every little problem in the whole family dynamic cannot be blamed on this one problem. I think that she uses the alcohol to blame all the family problems on my FIL so she doesn't have to see any shortcomings in herself or her actions. Now she is a great person, she spends her entire life trying to help others, by constantly buying food and items to stock the food pantry at her church and most of all by running a freestore out of her garage, which takes up a huge part of her day every day, while also working full-time. But at the same time, she does all this to distract herself from the home life and all the problems that are there. She chooses to ignore the problems and conflicts at home and just try to smooth them over and hope that the problem goes away. I love the woman to death, but I get tired of hearing after she complains about all their problems, there is always the obligatory "It's the alcoholism". I just wish she would quit complaining about everything and then not doing anything about it. She just seems to throw out blame and leave it to someone else to pick up the pieces and fix it. Any advice or helpful information??

mallowcup

It might help is you atended some Alanon meetings too. Your perceptions may change if you understood the influence that Alanon has.
What you preceive at her distracting herself may be her active efforts to detach. She may not be blaming or leaving it for someone to clean up. She may be stating the facts as she sees them and she is leaving you to find your own way to deal with it.
Could it be possible that what she may really be saying is that she didn't cause it, she can't cure it and she has found a life for herself around it?
Everything in her life is effected by his alcoholism. She may not be complaining. She may be letting you know that she is aware of the problems and she can't do anything about it. Because she can't.
The more knowleadge you gain, the better you may understand her behavior.
She may not be perfect.

best

Welcome to SR

Listen as she vents and then ...blame it on the alcoholism.

I understand what you mean and a good solution would be for you to seek info on how alcohol affects us all.
We can share answers with others but untill they listen and accept what we share... they will do what ever they want to do...so we adjust and make choices.
Her choices seem to be that she does what she wants by staying busy and is leaving the alcoholic in God's hands.
I can set rules for others but I can set boundaries that work for me. Rules only work if I can enforce them...boundaries are different because some boundaries give me a choice...you do this...I will do this. I can adjust to a place that works for me no matter what others do. Some people use the tools found at Al Anon meetings in a balanced way...some use them in a manner that they are happy with or can live with. We each will find our own balance and grow from there.

mallowcup

To someone observing, doing nothing about it may appear to be a passive thing, it actualy takes a great deal of effort and is incredibly active. I guess I'd refer to it as the active act of doing nothing.

Rella927

I agree with Mallow and Best said on this-She is probably doing what she needs to do for herself to get through this-IMHO when we are involved with an A alcohol is the blame for what we go through-it is also our behavior towards one another that creates the on going chaos. I feel that she is doing what is right for her and she is in fact setting her course the best she can for herself to move through this awful disease. She is making choices that suit her needs because her needs are what are important.

I know that looking on the outside can maybe appear that she is leaving a mess for others to clean up but what she is doing is realzing she is powerless and has to continue living for herself by doing what she needs to get there.

Welcome to SR! Read some stickies it may make more sense-

mallowcup

All anyone really wants her to do is either put her foot down about his drinking or shut up right? Stop blaming his drinking on everything if she isn't going to do something about it right?

CE Girl

Welcome to SR jlcarey,,,,Good post

Recovery is levels. Some of them are prettier than others. Its good to hear she's going to al anon and trying to help herself. Maybe what you see as blame, is actually reality sinking in for her. Perhaps she hasn't gotten to the next "level" of actually ADMITTING she is powerless and focuing on what SHE needs to do to "fix" whats in her control?

I do know what you mean though. I've had to pretty much "shut up" with certain members of my family, as they really aren't interested in trudging through those levels with me,,,, In fact, the ole cliche, "actions speak louder than words" works with those members.

We codies have to do a lot of sorting. Some of it outloud. I know, upfront and honest works for me. I had one of my daughters say to me recently, "how come you BLAME EVERYTHING on the relationship Mom?" Boy, what a dope slap, when I realized I was actually DRAGGING her into my recovery. A place she had no business being. What she really wanted to know was why I didn't want to go shopping with her,,,LOL

I agree with others here. Educate yourself to the support system you MIL has chossen. Maybe you can then begin to ask questions and instead of discussing "family" issues, you can focus on how SHE is doing in her recovery?

Peace

PS, By the way, I think its KOOL and very evident that you care about her. Kudos to you!!!!

atalose

I agree with Mallow it sounds like your mil is doing the best she can for herself right now.
I'm curious, what kind of things is she complaining about and what are the solutions you wish she found?

denny57

I'd also suggest Al-Anon meetings for yourself. Maybe she isn't distracting herself, but living her life.

leenymclaugh

I've learned from working my program not to cast blame. I've taken blame totally out of my vocabulary. Things are what they are and I know that I am powerless over people, places, things and situations. It is my perception that "blame" is just anothers' perceptions of who owns the fault. Since I am not God, judge or jury, I don't attempt to place blame anywhere.