Where do I begin?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2
Where do I begin?
My hubby confessed to me a couple years ago he thought he had a drinking problem but he seemed to get his act together and control it until recently. Today I found out he has been drinking again and he says it has been for the past week or so which is when I suspected it started since that's when I began smelling alcohol and noticing changes in his behavior.
My question now is...where do I begin? I believe he's willing to get help through AA but does he just show up to a meeting and dive right in or is there some other initial step he needs to go through.
I feel so lost right now since I've never had to deal with an alcoholic before. Any help anyone can give to get us on the right track would be appreciated. Thank you.
My question now is...where do I begin? I believe he's willing to get help through AA but does he just show up to a meeting and dive right in or is there some other initial step he needs to go through.
I feel so lost right now since I've never had to deal with an alcoholic before. Any help anyone can give to get us on the right track would be appreciated. Thank you.
Bree
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Prairieville, Louisiana
Posts: 26
If he's willing to go to AA, that's a great start. I grew up with an alcoholic father, so I can understand how it feels to live with an alcoholic. You have to make sure he is willing to start again at sobriety. Be there for him, and maybe pick up a new hobbie or activity the two of you can do together instead of him drinking. Good luck and if you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me.
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
HI Jessica - welcome to SR. Read everything you can here - and yes, he can just show up at AA - if it is an open meeting, you can go with him if that is what you both want. HE has to want it though, or it won't make any difference. I am still struggling here but that is one thing I have learned. Prayers to you and your hubby.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Here is a great link "Your First AA meeting". I highly recommend reading it, I sure wish I had before I went to AA.
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/F...0AA%20Meetings
Good luck.
Your post begs the following question however: Why are YOU posting, instead of HIM?
If he is going to recover - inside AA or otherwise - he needs to do it, not have you try to do it for him.
Don't get me wrong your support will be a value beyond measure, but only if he takes the lead in his own recovery.
http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/F...0AA%20Meetings
Good luck.
Your post begs the following question however: Why are YOU posting, instead of HIM?
If he is going to recover - inside AA or otherwise - he needs to do it, not have you try to do it for him.
Don't get me wrong your support will be a value beyond measure, but only if he takes the lead in his own recovery.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Welcome to SR.
This is such a great place. There is so much to learn. Please take the time to read the stickies posted at the top of the forum page. They will really help you.
And ask all the questions you can think of! People here have been where you are. They understand your anger and frustration and confusion. You have made a great first step!!
Welcome!
This is such a great place. There is so much to learn. Please take the time to read the stickies posted at the top of the forum page. They will really help you.
And ask all the questions you can think of! People here have been where you are. They understand your anger and frustration and confusion. You have made a great first step!!
Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Hey there Jessica. You've found a great place to learn and get support. SR is the greatest and there's so much wisdom to be found in these pages and posts. So welcome
Being involved with an alcoholic (A) is tough stuff. Take the time to learn all you can about the disease. And get YOU the support that YOU need to deal with the situation. All you can do is take care of you.
Like the previous posts say, the most important thing is that you (and he) realize that his alcohol problem is HIS problem. That means it's HIS job to clean up his act.
The "three C's" are fundamental to YOUR sanity:
1. You didn't cause it
2. You can't control it
3. You can't cure it
When I first began to realize that my husband was an A, I started coming here and also started reading some books on the subject. "Under the Influence" really was illuminating. Also "Codependent no More". I also got myself a therapist and told my family what was going on. The key is doing the things you need to do to keep yourself healthy and start moving towards the kind of life you deserve.
Being involved with an alcoholic (A) is tough stuff. Take the time to learn all you can about the disease. And get YOU the support that YOU need to deal with the situation. All you can do is take care of you.
Like the previous posts say, the most important thing is that you (and he) realize that his alcohol problem is HIS problem. That means it's HIS job to clean up his act.
The "three C's" are fundamental to YOUR sanity:
1. You didn't cause it
2. You can't control it
3. You can't cure it
When I first began to realize that my husband was an A, I started coming here and also started reading some books on the subject. "Under the Influence" really was illuminating. Also "Codependent no More". I also got myself a therapist and told my family what was going on. The key is doing the things you need to do to keep yourself healthy and start moving towards the kind of life you deserve.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
hi jessica
nice to meet you. the hardest step is just going in the door of AA or Alanon for the first time-once you get in the door - piece of cake. i recommend maybe going with someone else to the first meeting. once you go in- there is relief just to have people with commen experiences and understanding. i recommend alanon for you. it is for the family and friends of alcoholics. open meetings of AA are also good for you to attend to get another perspective. i have heard alcoholics say they have gotten a lot from alanon meetings too for that reason. it is a great help.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Welcome to SR Jessica! I'm sorry that your situation has brought you here, but glad that you've found your way to SR.
As was said earlier, read all you can. There are "sticky" posts at the top of the forum which I find very informative and helpful.
As to your question...yes, your husband may attend an AA meeting. No initial things to do - it's a free meeting for anyone that has a drinking problem. Nothing to sign or anything like that.
However, as was already said - it is your husband that needs to really want to do this and find his sobriety. He is the one that must have the dedication and do the work.
Perhaps Alanon would be something for you to look into as it may well be very beneficial to you. Alanon is a support group for people that know and/or love an alcoholic.
Again, welcome to SR. Pull up a chair and stay awhile.
As was said earlier, read all you can. There are "sticky" posts at the top of the forum which I find very informative and helpful.
As to your question...yes, your husband may attend an AA meeting. No initial things to do - it's a free meeting for anyone that has a drinking problem. Nothing to sign or anything like that.
However, as was already said - it is your husband that needs to really want to do this and find his sobriety. He is the one that must have the dedication and do the work.
Perhaps Alanon would be something for you to look into as it may well be very beneficial to you. Alanon is a support group for people that know and/or love an alcoholic.
Again, welcome to SR. Pull up a chair and stay awhile.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR Jessica.
I'd suggest letting him research available AA meetings in the area and inquire for himself.
I'd also like to suggest for you to research available Alanon meetings in the area for you.
Let him be in charge of and handle his own recovery and you do the same with learning about your own. You can absolutely be supportive of his recovery efforts, but you can't do it for him.
That was one of the hardest things for me to learn. I used to go on line, print out all the AA meetings in the area, highlight which types of meetings they were, dates, times, etc. while he was on the couch watching tv or running out for more vodka. Looking back, THAT spoke volumes about his unwillingness, or unreadiness....it also spoke volumes about my codieness and controlling/take charge issues. It was such classic behavior on both our parts.
Anyway, glad to have you join us. I look forward to getting to know you. Keep coming back.
I'd suggest letting him research available AA meetings in the area and inquire for himself.
I'd also like to suggest for you to research available Alanon meetings in the area for you.
Let him be in charge of and handle his own recovery and you do the same with learning about your own. You can absolutely be supportive of his recovery efforts, but you can't do it for him.
That was one of the hardest things for me to learn. I used to go on line, print out all the AA meetings in the area, highlight which types of meetings they were, dates, times, etc. while he was on the couch watching tv or running out for more vodka. Looking back, THAT spoke volumes about his unwillingness, or unreadiness....it also spoke volumes about my codieness and controlling/take charge issues. It was such classic behavior on both our parts.
Anyway, glad to have you join us. I look forward to getting to know you. Keep coming back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 2
Thank you everyone for your helpful responses. You've made this a little less daunting. I can't believe this is actually happening. In all honesty to me it has always been something that happens to someone else.
My hubby is young. He's a smart guy. He has a master's degree and a good job and just doesn't fit what I have always stereotyped an alcoholic to be. Obviously I need to realize it happens to all types of people.
I feel so alone right now which is why I'm so glad I found this group. We had this huge blowout yesterday when it came out that he was drinking again and short time later my mom called with news that my sister was in the hospital. I gave a kidney to her a few years ago and there is always the fear her body is rejecting it when she gets this sick. They don't know what is wrong so to have to worry about that as well as what is going on with my husband is so much for me to handle right now. My sister is only 28..
I can't tell anyone about his problem because it's not my place but at the same time I'm dying to call up one of my friends and just cry and get it all out. I can't even call my parents and get it out because I don't want them to think poorly of my hubby. They love him and think so highly of him. Not only that but they're consumed with what is wrong with my sister and they don't need this right now. It's all weighing so heavily on me.
Sorry to ramble on. Thankfully my husband took it upon himself to go to an AA meeting tonight. He's going to one at our church. He actually tried to go to an AA meeting the first time he told me he had a problem but the people sent him into the wrong room and he ended up in a narcotics meeting it scared him to death so he never tried to find an actual AA meeting after that. I think since it's at the church it is less intimidating to him.
I think I'm most upset because he lied to me about his drinking. I've never had any reason not to trust him and sadly now for the rest of my life I will always wonder if he's telling me the truth. Part of me wonders if he even made it to the meeting. I was tempted to follow him but I didn't.
So now I have to ask all of you how this has affected your marriage and if any of you have had thoughts of leaving. I've only been married for four years and the thought of divorce has never crossed my mind until now. The first time he confessed he had a problem I wrote him a letter as a way to get it all out. I told him I understand he has a problem but I refused to be lied to again and would leave if it happened once more. It happened again and part of me wants to leave because I want to make a point that I don't deserve to be lied to but at the same time he needs me, I need him, I can't just go running when the going gets tough. It's so hard because he's my college sweetheart and my best friend and I can't imagine not having him in my life but for the first time ever since we've been together I'm actually wondering if leaving is the right thing to do. I guess I need to see how the meetings go for him and not make any hasty decisions.
I'm so confused right now and it's making my head hurt. I went for a long walk and sat by the lake next to my house tonight and just cried and watched the sun set. That is when I really started thinking about what life would be like without him. I don't know what to do.
This is really long. I'm so sorry. Like I said, I literally have no one I feel comfortable talking about this. I will do some reading and print the info my hubby should have had before he went to his first meeting. Thank you.
My hubby is young. He's a smart guy. He has a master's degree and a good job and just doesn't fit what I have always stereotyped an alcoholic to be. Obviously I need to realize it happens to all types of people.
I feel so alone right now which is why I'm so glad I found this group. We had this huge blowout yesterday when it came out that he was drinking again and short time later my mom called with news that my sister was in the hospital. I gave a kidney to her a few years ago and there is always the fear her body is rejecting it when she gets this sick. They don't know what is wrong so to have to worry about that as well as what is going on with my husband is so much for me to handle right now. My sister is only 28..
I can't tell anyone about his problem because it's not my place but at the same time I'm dying to call up one of my friends and just cry and get it all out. I can't even call my parents and get it out because I don't want them to think poorly of my hubby. They love him and think so highly of him. Not only that but they're consumed with what is wrong with my sister and they don't need this right now. It's all weighing so heavily on me.
Sorry to ramble on. Thankfully my husband took it upon himself to go to an AA meeting tonight. He's going to one at our church. He actually tried to go to an AA meeting the first time he told me he had a problem but the people sent him into the wrong room and he ended up in a narcotics meeting it scared him to death so he never tried to find an actual AA meeting after that. I think since it's at the church it is less intimidating to him.
I think I'm most upset because he lied to me about his drinking. I've never had any reason not to trust him and sadly now for the rest of my life I will always wonder if he's telling me the truth. Part of me wonders if he even made it to the meeting. I was tempted to follow him but I didn't.
So now I have to ask all of you how this has affected your marriage and if any of you have had thoughts of leaving. I've only been married for four years and the thought of divorce has never crossed my mind until now. The first time he confessed he had a problem I wrote him a letter as a way to get it all out. I told him I understand he has a problem but I refused to be lied to again and would leave if it happened once more. It happened again and part of me wants to leave because I want to make a point that I don't deserve to be lied to but at the same time he needs me, I need him, I can't just go running when the going gets tough. It's so hard because he's my college sweetheart and my best friend and I can't imagine not having him in my life but for the first time ever since we've been together I'm actually wondering if leaving is the right thing to do. I guess I need to see how the meetings go for him and not make any hasty decisions.
I'm so confused right now and it's making my head hurt. I went for a long walk and sat by the lake next to my house tonight and just cried and watched the sun set. That is when I really started thinking about what life would be like without him. I don't know what to do.
This is really long. I'm so sorry. Like I said, I literally have no one I feel comfortable talking about this. I will do some reading and print the info my hubby should have had before he went to his first meeting. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Jessica... Welcome to SR
So sorry to hear about your distress.. but I can assure you nearly everyone here has felt the way you have at one time or another. I personally can relate in that I met my husband in college and he had never lied to me prior to developing a serious drinking problem. For so many, lying erodes the basic foundation of a marriage ... and that is the way I felt as well. As you learn more about alcoholism, you will learn that nearly every alcoholic lies and deceives to protect their overpowering addiction to alcohol. Lying, anger, blaming and denial are all classic behaviors of addiction.. and all exist to protect the addiction. I also did not tell anyone for years about my husband's problem .. not even my family because I didn't want them to worry or think poorly of my husband...and because I had a brother with a very serious life threatening illness that had already caused them much heartache. I found this forum when I finally reached a point of such overwhelming and desperate pain and anger... and from that point on, the anger and pain subsided as I began to learn I wasn't the only one living with such insane behavior - that most of his irrational behavior was part of the addiction and had nothing to do with me.
It is actually a good sign your husband is openly admitting a problem and is willing to seek help while he is so young - that is a big first step ... and most of us had to wait many, many years to get to that point with our alcoholics. I had to wait 20 years to hear that from my husband. I recently read that the younger the alcoholic is when they seek sobriety, the better the chance of recovery. If you have alanon meetings near you it will give you a chance to safely talk to others that understand. Keep reading, including the posts at the top of the page that will be very helpful. You will learn so much from this forum and you won't feel so alone.
So sorry to hear about your distress.. but I can assure you nearly everyone here has felt the way you have at one time or another. I personally can relate in that I met my husband in college and he had never lied to me prior to developing a serious drinking problem. For so many, lying erodes the basic foundation of a marriage ... and that is the way I felt as well. As you learn more about alcoholism, you will learn that nearly every alcoholic lies and deceives to protect their overpowering addiction to alcohol. Lying, anger, blaming and denial are all classic behaviors of addiction.. and all exist to protect the addiction. I also did not tell anyone for years about my husband's problem .. not even my family because I didn't want them to worry or think poorly of my husband...and because I had a brother with a very serious life threatening illness that had already caused them much heartache. I found this forum when I finally reached a point of such overwhelming and desperate pain and anger... and from that point on, the anger and pain subsided as I began to learn I wasn't the only one living with such insane behavior - that most of his irrational behavior was part of the addiction and had nothing to do with me.
It is actually a good sign your husband is openly admitting a problem and is willing to seek help while he is so young - that is a big first step ... and most of us had to wait many, many years to get to that point with our alcoholics. I had to wait 20 years to hear that from my husband. I recently read that the younger the alcoholic is when they seek sobriety, the better the chance of recovery. If you have alanon meetings near you it will give you a chance to safely talk to others that understand. Keep reading, including the posts at the top of the page that will be very helpful. You will learn so much from this forum and you won't feel so alone.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Hey Jessica, You asked if it has affected our marriages? Has it ever. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It can take years but unless your husband receives help it will probably get worse before it gets better.
I am married to a wonderful man (when he is sober). He is so smart, handsome, kind.
But I moved out a week and a half ago. We've been married for 12 years.
Nobody can tell you to leave. You have to make that decision for youself. When the time comes, if it comes, you will know.
You are off to a good start by coming here and asking questions, seeking help.
The most important piece of advice I ever could have received was to not neglect myself! Please take care of YOU! YOU are who YOU are responsible for!
I am married to a wonderful man (when he is sober). He is so smart, handsome, kind.
But I moved out a week and a half ago. We've been married for 12 years.
Nobody can tell you to leave. You have to make that decision for youself. When the time comes, if it comes, you will know.
You are off to a good start by coming here and asking questions, seeking help.
The most important piece of advice I ever could have received was to not neglect myself! Please take care of YOU! YOU are who YOU are responsible for!
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