free2be

My XAH and I have 3 children. He has maintained contact with the girls and sees them on a regular basis. My oldest son, 16, has refused to see his dad and hasn't had any contact with him since he left in feb. They never had a great relationship. A was very hard on him.
I have tried to talk with my son and encourage him to speak to his dad,. he won't. He is so angry at him. XAH hasn't made any great attepts either. I think hes tried to contact him 2 times. I feel as though the longer they wait to speak the harder it will be. I would hate for them not to have any relationship. Should I intervine and if so how???

ICU

I'm not a parent so please take my thoughts with a grain of salt.

As far as your 16 year old son goes, I think he's doing exactly what he needs to do for right now...and that's 'letting it go'! It might be a good idea to get him in Alanon and see if he finds that helpful. Counseling would also be a good idea for all 3 kids actually.

Your son is not really a child, but not quite a man yet either. Aside from the above, I wouldn't push any communication between them. If they mend their relationship, it's going to be because they both want it, and have worked towards it. It's really between them! I know, it must be hard for you to see this going on, and wishing things were different....but, they're not. They are what they are, at least for right now. It doesn't mean it will be this way between them forever.

Again, just my 'thoughts' for whatever they're worth.

mushroom

Do not intervene. It's their relationship to do with as they want. That's codie manipulation, to intervene. You cannot control either of them. so what if they don't speak to each other??? if Dad was a drinking man then Son never really had a dad anyway. What is he losing, that he hasn't already lost?

They can always work it out later when each of them has more distance and perspective and the hurt has lessened. Do not doubt for an instant that your son is in great pain over not having had a real dad. There's nothing you can do about that now.

The three Cs still apply here: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Pick-a-name

(((f2b))) We have a variation of this,too. Very sad all the way around. Be there for him and listen,guess that is all we can do;besides pray.

It is especially hard when the girls seems to get the good attention and the boys get the harshness. Same thing happened in exAH's family and in his dad's family,too.... We talk about it sometimes,but my young adult children decide for themselves what happens between them and their dad.

Sending you a big hug....glad your son has you and your are sensitive to this.

denny57

As a former child myself, the more I was told what I was "supposed" to feel and do, the crappier I felt about myself. It invalidated my legitimate feelings and made me feel less than.

free2be

Thanks guys I just feel so badly for him when the girls come home from a visit and they have new things. I feel like saying to X you have 3 kids not 2!!!!! Grow up and at least make an effort.

Denny, once again you made me think. My parents were divorced and I hated my dad. My mom would try and force me to see him. Even as I think of it know I get that sink pang inside.
mushroom you are so right he hasn't lost anything, he never had it to begin with. so sad. Actually, as I am sitting here thinking about it, he may have gained. While ex was here my son spent a lot of time in his room, only really came out to eat. He is out of his room a lot more. hmmmm.... Speaks volumes.
I just would hate for them to miss out on eachother. I can't promise but, I will try and keep my big mouth shut!!!!

rosalie

Possibly underneath all that hate--is an unresolved issue (s) between Father/Son.
My Grandson has never known his Father. I would hate to see your son miss out on such an important relationship as this is.Perhaps counseling would benefit them both.

loveRoy

This is the hardest and saddest part for me. My girls, 21 and 27, have been so hurt. They have had little contact with their father and he has made little effort. For me, I have backed off. His birthday and Father's Day are coming soon. I am letting them decide how to handle these events. For me, no contact.

free2be

It is so sad. I breaks my heart. I know they love each other. I think they just don't know what to say to one another. They never did relate, ever. Our son has a heart of gold. I know he's my son, but he is such a good kid. He is learning disabled and I think that exAH never knew how to relate to him. The relationship has been rocky for years. I am very close with him, he confides in me about a lot of things. He is so cute, since ex left he feels he needs to take care of me.. Like I said he is learning disabled and couldn't find his way out of a paper bag.... but his intentions are sincere and he has a good heart. I can't help, but wonder if he feels he would be betraying me if he spoke to his dad?

dollydo

They will find their own way..both being males they relate on a different plain than the girls will do with their Dad.

Let it be, let them work it out on their own.

StandingStrong

I, too, have 3 children with my XAH. Two of them are in regular contact with him and one has no contact (per his choice) and he's 16 as well.

Three years ago, when XAH first seperated, I encouraged the children to visit their Dad, I did my best to explain what I could, and tried to be the go-between through them and their Dad in trying to XAH repair the damage he'd caused.

There came a point in time when XAH did something that my children all had issues with. Two of them have been able to accpet it as they see it as "That's just how Dad is" (what they say about him), but the now 16 year old had decided that he's done with his Dad.

It pains me often to see the relationships all of my children have with XAH - especially the one that my 16 year old has with him.
But then again - I completely understand as I too, have chosen to have limited contact (we only discuss matters concerning the children when necessary). It is better for me this way - and I believe it's best right now for my son as well. This is what he feels he needs to do - and I respect that.

My 16 year old son was out on a date this weekend. He accidentally ran into his Dad at the movie theatre (hadn't seen him since December). He came home a little "wired" and told me all about it. He said it was "weird" and "Strange" and that it didn't change his feelings towards his Dad any. He still chooses to have no contact.

While it is not easy to see our children in these situations...it is also not easy to step away and allow our XAH to handle the problems they've created. Nor is it easy to allow our children to feel as they do when it pains them. But I believe that as teenagers, they have an idea of who and how the A's are and they have the right to choose how much contact they want to have. They have been hurt by the A in their lives, just as we have.

I guess what I'm trying to say in this long post (sorry so long) is that we can only be there for our children, support them, and love them, and respect them and their feelings and wishes. We may not always agree or like it - but when it comes to the A's in our lives - we have to remember that it is not our place to interfere. The A must do the work if they so desire the favorable outcome.