I am up again
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Small Town
Posts: 46
I am up again
Its after midnight and here I sit trying to sort out my sanity from my insanity, why do I do this over and over again? He is as useless as a tit on a boar! I know inside that there is no need for me to keep fretting over his every drunken night, there are so many of them, but I do it anyway. Its almost like a lead a double life, and then my concience sets in and I tell myself to do for ME and not all HIM.
You have helped me already. I feel I can come here anytime and you understand me. Even in all my craziness. It feels good to have someone to vent to.
Being married to a drunk and druggie for 18 years has put a few extra years on me. I feel at least 10 years older than I am. He is like Dr. Jeykle and Mr. Hyde. Good, generous, kind, gentle, loving one moment, and then ugly, don't give a damn about nothing, hateful, hurtful, abusive ( mostly mentally), irrational--the list goes on and on.I have been told by some, and counselors, among others to consider when I get so angry, that this is the drugs and alcohol that take him over, but I tend to keep thinking it is really him coming out, or maybe I have just lived with him so long, that I really don't love him anymore and I despise him.
I feel very, very angry toward him tonight more than usual, I do need to vent, and spend some time away from him. I feel like I am the one addicted to a real bad thing. Right now, life sucks for me. And I hate being this depressed.
You have helped me already. I feel I can come here anytime and you understand me. Even in all my craziness. It feels good to have someone to vent to.
Being married to a drunk and druggie for 18 years has put a few extra years on me. I feel at least 10 years older than I am. He is like Dr. Jeykle and Mr. Hyde. Good, generous, kind, gentle, loving one moment, and then ugly, don't give a damn about nothing, hateful, hurtful, abusive ( mostly mentally), irrational--the list goes on and on.I have been told by some, and counselors, among others to consider when I get so angry, that this is the drugs and alcohol that take him over, but I tend to keep thinking it is really him coming out, or maybe I have just lived with him so long, that I really don't love him anymore and I despise him.
I feel very, very angry toward him tonight more than usual, I do need to vent, and spend some time away from him. I feel like I am the one addicted to a real bad thing. Right now, life sucks for me. And I hate being this depressed.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
What brings you joy these days? Can you seek the answer to that and go in that direction? I feel your frustration. Remember the definition of insanity...doing the same thing over & over again and expecting diff. results. Take care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Small Town
Posts: 46
My joy
Right now,peace brings me joy.
My kids
Gardening
Cooking
The list goes on and on, I get your drift. I will try to Think about my joys and my day is full of plans with my daughter and her friends. I will just look forward to that.
But then pops in my head anger, hurt, frustration. Geez its like a demon that won't leave me alone. Its so frustrating!
My kids
Gardening
Cooking
The list goes on and on, I get your drift. I will try to Think about my joys and my day is full of plans with my daughter and her friends. I will just look forward to that.
But then pops in my head anger, hurt, frustration. Geez its like a demon that won't leave me alone. Its so frustrating!
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I learned that the 12 steps are for us non addicts too and they changed my llife and set me on a new way of thinking. I now try to take only my own inventory.
I now live the life I have and not the life I had planned. Sorrow and pain allowed me to make monumental changes in my life because I know i don't want more of that.
Good luck figuring out what your path can be.
I now live the life I have and not the life I had planned. Sorrow and pain allowed me to make monumental changes in my life because I know i don't want more of that.
Good luck figuring out what your path can be.
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Small Town
Posts: 46
He just makes me sick, it is nearly 3 am, I don't have any idea where he is or whats going on, when I ask or talk to him about it tommorow he will (to his defense) state that he asked me to go. If I don't like it I know where the door is. Do you think I am so blind that he is actually wanting me to leave?
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
I could have wrote your post. I think many of us could.
The one thing I have learned, is I am in control of my own destiny. Once I took it away from my A, only then could I resolve the "demons" in my head. And yes, they resided in my soul too.
You used so many familiar terrms, Dr Jekle, Mr Hyde, thinking it really ISN'T the "altering substance" but a true reflection of who he is. And the anger, escalating as time goes by to rage, or at least teatering on the border.
Recovery is a process. Filled with levels. When I realized I was at the point of worrying about my OWN sanity and thinking I was getting "old" before my time, I grasped on to the reality, that only I could make it change.
You are taking the steps by posting on here. The first one being RECOGNIZING that what you've previously accepted is no longer an option.
I'm so sorry your going through this. I remember the twisting.
Peace
The one thing I have learned, is I am in control of my own destiny. Once I took it away from my A, only then could I resolve the "demons" in my head. And yes, they resided in my soul too.
You used so many familiar terrms, Dr Jekle, Mr Hyde, thinking it really ISN'T the "altering substance" but a true reflection of who he is. And the anger, escalating as time goes by to rage, or at least teatering on the border.
Recovery is a process. Filled with levels. When I realized I was at the point of worrying about my OWN sanity and thinking I was getting "old" before my time, I grasped on to the reality, that only I could make it change.
You are taking the steps by posting on here. The first one being RECOGNIZING that what you've previously accepted is no longer an option.
I'm so sorry your going through this. I remember the twisting.
Peace
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by flwrchld 
He just makes me sick, it is nearly 3 am, I don't have any idea where he is or whats going on, when I ask or talk to him about it tommorow he will (to his defense) state that he asked me to go. If I don't like it I know where the door is. Do you think I am so blind that he is actually wanting me to leave?
Hon, I can't really give you any advice, just a (((CYBERHUG))) and a prayer. Only you can decide when enough is enough. If nothing changes, then nothing changes. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it. Lots of motivating phrases....but ultimately it is up to you to decide to take your life back.
I left and went back to my ex many times before finally realizing that if I didn't get away from him for good that it was going to cost me MY life and sanity. You asked if he really wants you to leave? I'm betting not, he is just trying to manipulate you. If you do leave, he will most likely find a way to get you back unless you have a plan and stick to it.
Keep coming here and posting and find a meeting if you can. Just the knowing that you are not alone in this is HUGE! (For so many years I thought I was the only one and I was full of guilt and shame for allowing him to treat me that way.)
I hope you find the peace you are seeking. That was one of the first things I posted about here, the wanting peace in my life. It took divorce to get it, but I finally have it. You will find the way that is best for you.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
hi hon
geez, are you sure we are not married to the same man? jekyl and hyde here too. i was you a few months back. hum, where do i start. you have already made a lot of realizations that are going to lead you in to right direction.
one biggy for me, is the aging more quickly than i should. i am 34 and want to have children. my mom even noticed that i looked "worn". this really hit me and i didn't like what i was seeing. so, i started doing things for my appearance - one biggy-SLEEPING! i no longer stay up and wonder or worry. i was getting just plain too exhausted. exercise. haircuts. clothes. etc... it really is true that you will get tired of being sick and tired.
i have started spending more time with friends and family. i no longer turn down invitations to do things because "i have to stay home to control ah's drinking" now, i always say YES and am very happy to get out of the house.
the fact that they are like two different people makes it even harder to get of the rollarcoaster (if you ride it with them). now i try to keep my emotions on an even keel. i still struggle with this sometimes. thanks for reminding me the definition of insanity again. i needed that.
as far as anger. i now realize the real cause of the anger in me which is that ah is keeping me from achieving and having the things i really want in life- a family, happiness, real love, a healthy life. i could go on. he is holding me back (if i let him). the challenge with anger is to really look at the causes in YOU. then you can address those things. you can't do anything about him. only you.
i can tell you that a lot would be revealed about the person he really is if he stopped for a while. when my ah did his attitude and actions were worse than ever and i began to see clearly that this is the underlining personality not the drinking. they drink to self medicate underlying problems. until these problems are addressed they will not get better.
the best i can say right now is "let it go" once you do you will be able to see soo much more clearly and you will be able to think better and be able to work on yourself -only then will you be able to work towards the "peace" you speak of- or at least make a plan to achieve that. that is where i am at right now.
one biggy for me, is the aging more quickly than i should. i am 34 and want to have children. my mom even noticed that i looked "worn". this really hit me and i didn't like what i was seeing. so, i started doing things for my appearance - one biggy-SLEEPING! i no longer stay up and wonder or worry. i was getting just plain too exhausted. exercise. haircuts. clothes. etc... it really is true that you will get tired of being sick and tired.
i have started spending more time with friends and family. i no longer turn down invitations to do things because "i have to stay home to control ah's drinking" now, i always say YES and am very happy to get out of the house.
the fact that they are like two different people makes it even harder to get of the rollarcoaster (if you ride it with them). now i try to keep my emotions on an even keel. i still struggle with this sometimes. thanks for reminding me the definition of insanity again. i needed that.
as far as anger. i now realize the real cause of the anger in me which is that ah is keeping me from achieving and having the things i really want in life- a family, happiness, real love, a healthy life. i could go on. he is holding me back (if i let him). the challenge with anger is to really look at the causes in YOU. then you can address those things. you can't do anything about him. only you.
i can tell you that a lot would be revealed about the person he really is if he stopped for a while. when my ah did his attitude and actions were worse than ever and i began to see clearly that this is the underlining personality not the drinking. they drink to self medicate underlying problems. until these problems are addressed they will not get better.
the best i can say right now is "let it go" once you do you will be able to see soo much more clearly and you will be able to think better and be able to work on yourself -only then will you be able to work towards the "peace" you speak of- or at least make a plan to achieve that. that is where i am at right now.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by flwrchld
Do you think I am so blind that he is actually wanting me to leave?
Much love to you.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
flwr, i know all too well the having two personalities thing! my ex could be the most amazing, caring person one second, and once there was any alcohol around... boy was there a change. someone said something a few weeks ago (i think it was denny, but forgive me if it was someone else!) that she finally realized that the two personalities are not separate -- it all belongs to one person -- and that was a HUGE step for me to realize that. i can't separate the sober from the drunk... they are one and the same. you take the good with the bad.
as for staying up worrying, i did that too, many many times. that feeling where your stomach is in knots, where you can't think about anything else, where the tears don't stop flowing. what worked for me was taking a sleeping pill or tylenol pm or something like that. at least then, i could convince myself that sleeping was the best thing to do, and i'd wake up the next morning ANGRY instead of WORRIED. hugs, flwr
as for staying up worrying, i did that too, many many times. that feeling where your stomach is in knots, where you can't think about anything else, where the tears don't stop flowing. what worked for me was taking a sleeping pill or tylenol pm or something like that. at least then, i could convince myself that sleeping was the best thing to do, and i'd wake up the next morning ANGRY instead of WORRIED. hugs, flwr
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
Well, I can't help it. I was just thinkng that humor brings a whole new thought process to it. It is maddening to sit up and worry and at 3am, it's hard to will yourself not to worry.
I was remembering a time my aunt got so ticked at my uncle for going out every night and coming home bagged, she waited for him to go to sleep on the couch and then painted his face with India Ink.
He woke up per usual and ordinariy everyone would have been walking on egg shells. Instead everyone laughed an pointed hysterically. He was hungover and his grumpy butt didn't seem to intimidate anyone all of a sudden. When he got to the bathroom he saw what they were laughing at. He couldn't even scrub it off. He also decided not to go out that night. He thought his bar buddies did it.
My aunt quickly developed a way to be amused instead of upset.
He was sure she would never do something like that.
He was bald on top so once she made a big smiley face on the back of his head in bright red lipstick.
I was remembering a time my aunt got so ticked at my uncle for going out every night and coming home bagged, she waited for him to go to sleep on the couch and then painted his face with India Ink.
He woke up per usual and ordinariy everyone would have been walking on egg shells. Instead everyone laughed an pointed hysterically. He was hungover and his grumpy butt didn't seem to intimidate anyone all of a sudden. When he got to the bathroom he saw what they were laughing at. He couldn't even scrub it off. He also decided not to go out that night. He thought his bar buddies did it.
My aunt quickly developed a way to be amused instead of upset.
He was sure she would never do something like that.
He was bald on top so once she made a big smiley face on the back of his head in bright red lipstick.
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 4
hi flwrchild.
the second i saw the title of your thread, terrible memories flooded back to when i was a living at home. your story about your husband reminds me my dad. when sober he's the nicest guy in the world but when he's drunk he's like a monster.. Not caring about anything else in the world except for where his next drink is coming from. it doesn't affect me too much now as i don't live at home anymore but i know that my mom and younger brothers are not so lucky.
i hope things get better for you.
the second i saw the title of your thread, terrible memories flooded back to when i was a living at home. your story about your husband reminds me my dad. when sober he's the nicest guy in the world but when he's drunk he's like a monster.. Not caring about anything else in the world except for where his next drink is coming from. it doesn't affect me too much now as i don't live at home anymore but i know that my mom and younger brothers are not so lucky.
i hope things get better for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Small Town
Posts: 46
Thank you all for your posts, it is nice to have someone who listens, I find it really hard to let go, live for me and my kids, but I am trying very hard, minute by minute, I am up, then I am down, eventually I hope to have more ups than downs. I guess that is up to me..huh?
Its Monday morning and I am at work, I run a business with him, ya know. He acts as if everything is A OK. Like we are such a happy family, with no problems at all. The Dr. Jeykl and Mr. Hyde syndrome. I just stay busy and try not to start any fights with him. There is really no sense in dragging everyone else into our problems here at the office. We will save it for home. If I have the energy to even talk to him tonight. Mondays are always very busy, and sometimes that is a good thing. It detaches me from him, so I don't think about him as much.
I hate this life, but it is mine, and I have to own it, and make it work for me, and my children. They are everything to me. So far they have turned out pretty good. What you said "721158" in your post made me scared for what my kids will say when they are older looking back. . . .
Its Monday morning and I am at work, I run a business with him, ya know. He acts as if everything is A OK. Like we are such a happy family, with no problems at all. The Dr. Jeykl and Mr. Hyde syndrome. I just stay busy and try not to start any fights with him. There is really no sense in dragging everyone else into our problems here at the office. We will save it for home. If I have the energy to even talk to him tonight. Mondays are always very busy, and sometimes that is a good thing. It detaches me from him, so I don't think about him as much.
I hate this life, but it is mine, and I have to own it, and make it work for me, and my children. They are everything to me. So far they have turned out pretty good. What you said "721158" in your post made me scared for what my kids will say when they are older looking back. . . .
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Need postitives
I feel a little like the "June Cleaver" type, I am not a stay at home mom, I work 7:30 to 5pm, then work a 2nd job till 7pm on most nights, then go home, fix supper, do laundry, and whatever else needs done, I even go so far as to cut my husbands steak up for him before I hand deliver to him in his recliner while he watches TV. If I am not home for supper for one night, he is kinda ok, if it is 2 nights in a row, he starts to act like I don't care about the family any more. I am nuts for ever spoiling him to this extent, but this is what his mother did and still does to him and his father, I said to myself I don't want to end up like her, and look at myself and I am like her.
I want to quit this nutty behavior and be myself, I haven't got to be myself in ....forever, at least all my married life. Yuck, sometimes I get so depressed, I need positive in my life, something to bring me up, so I quit feeling so down, I want to change me....am attempting....but I don't seem very good at it. More roller coaster stuff!!!!
I want to quit this nutty behavior and be myself, I haven't got to be myself in ....forever, at least all my married life. Yuck, sometimes I get so depressed, I need positive in my life, something to bring me up, so I quit feeling so down, I want to change me....am attempting....but I don't seem very good at it. More roller coaster stuff!!!!
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