CE Girl

Ok, so I had a really good "epiphany" about yesterday. Learned about "acceptance"

And then I caved or did I?

Got to work this morning, more email. I wish you could be a fly on the wall. I HAVE to read at least the first line to see if its business as my A is very good at making up names to get through my rules that put his legit mail through to junk.

More messages on my phone. Now instead of callin my cell, he is using my office land line. No caller ID on there

So I wrote him an email

I need to know if I caved so I'm sharing it here:

Today is day ten of no contact. Did you know that?

Its been 6 weeks since we have seen each other

What I have finally learned in that time, with the help of al anon, a support group, and working a program, is that I am powerless over your alcoholism. But more importantly, I have ACCEPTED that.

I did not cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it

Only one person can.


Frankly, it was ARROGANT of me to think that I could influence the outcome of another. I am truly humbled by that realization.

It’s all very hard work, but I am committed to my “recovery”

Doesn’t mean I am not still haunted by demons? Hell no, the biggest one is FEAR. Facing the reasons why I am a co dependant.

But one step at a time


I know we still have some unfinished business. One of them is getting my things. I’ve been really busy with work, packing for the move, and as I stated above, finding/working a program to heal. However, I plan on getting them before I leave the island. I can only ask you to be patient, but understand if you need to do what’s best for you.


I’ve formed my boundaries finally. For me, the best thing is no contact right now. Just as I mentioned the 3 c’s for you above, they apply to me. I am the only one who can cause it, control it and cure it. That means boundaries. Mine for you is no contact until when/if you are truly recovering. At least 6 months abstinent.


I love you. I will continue to love you. I’ve learned to separate the healing from the grief of loss. Can only deal with one at a time, so the love will remain.


I hope all is “well” with you and you find what you’re looking for. I believe you can do it


Love and Peace

I felt, through this time I did not have "closure" with our seperation. I fled. WE communicated for a few weeks, till I put the brakes on ten days ago, becuase we were riding the roller coaster again. All that is in the email to him, I felt needed to be said.

He responded

Thank god you wrote – I agree with you abnd I am working a program – I think it was all to overwhelming to me all at once and I failed not you ME

You didn’t cause it

You cant control it

Its all on me – I love you so much – don’t worry about your things they are safe and if you wanna get them after you move that’s fine – really its OK

I feel a whole loot better now haven’t ben drinking –


Oh before I forget I have an interview with CLD engineering Tuesday at 3PM – Their office is in Manchester and I would be wotking on the granite street bridge project – its more money and seems like a really good opportunity

Anyways I am excited about it

Humbled my god I got cut down at the knees – I go on this website – it’s a recovery site – Last night I was on and a guy came on and was describing how his girlfriend was drunk and screaming at him and raving on and on as he was on the site – I thought to myself my god that was me – look what I was doing to (name deleted to protect) – It’s the truth that’s what I was doing made me cry


I love you and don’t worry about getting your things in any timetable other than what suits you k?

YBD

I did not respond to this and have no intention of continuing the conversation. As I mentioned for me, it was closure.

Is that an "excuse"?

Do I have to start all over again at day one?

sorry so long, but honesty is the best policy and wanted you to have ALL the information

Peace

Rella927

*CONFUSED* you stated in the start that you responded and then at the end you said you did not respond?

If you did respond WOW was I there in the start of the detaching from my XAB-

"I wonder if he hates me for doing this" " I love him" " I want to talk to him" "one email won't hurt it will be closure for me" blah blah "codie" quacking!

Hon it is ok to Cave just do not totally fall into the cave!

There has to be a way to BLOCK his e-mail that way you will not know if you get one or not! I understand that it is a work e-mail but you can call IT and tell them to block his e-mail address! Or even have your work one changed!

IMHO your not showing signs of wanting to totally let go yet-which is ok-we all do it in our own time-when you truly do not want to hear from him anymore you will do what you need to do to stop receiving anything from him-and make it happen! This way you will not be sucked back into the drama! Think of how much better you have felt over the past 10 days!

(((HUGS CE))))

cagefree

(((CE Girl)))

Right now he will tell you anything to get a response - I agree with Rella - block all emails, delete unheard voicemails and return unopened mail.

You asked very clearly for no contact. The fact he even wrote you back speaks volumes.

FormerDoormat

Yep, you caved. Perhaps you might consider increasing your "10 minute rule" to a "20 minute rule." Couldn't hurt.

elizabeth1979

Unfortunately, what he read was...BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH something c's....BLAH BLAH BLAH..

When this has happened to me in the past, he wasnt reading my response bc he didnt care what I said, he cared that I responded. period. Then, he was back to business as usual.

Its not important to my recovery that my ex knows Im powerless.
Its not important to my recovery that he know Im serious about no contact.
Its not even in my recovery to tell him about my recovery.

When I discuss my recovery with him, I find myself either being a manipulator or pushing buttons.

chero

I think, CE, that if you feel you needed it for closure then that's okay. Only you know what is right for you. I know you're sad about breaking your 10 day cycle but tomorrow is a new day! Look at all you've done and I get can't through day 1.

I think you're doing great...thanks for the honesty!

, Cheryl

Sunflower

I see nothing wrong with this-if it gave you closure and comfort.I hope what he says is all true--there is always hope--do what is right for you.
Now that you have mailed him and he has replied-let that be it for now. Best of Luck to you-God Bless...The ''island'' are you in the vineyard? I envy you if you are!!

CE Girl

No Rella, I did not respond to any of his emails, I wrote him one. He wrote back, I did not respond to his response.

Oh brother. I'm confusing MYSELF!!! LOL

And, its pointing one thing out to me, WHAT a freakin DUMMY!!!! All I did was write an email and I opened the WHOLE pandora's box again!!!

I actually did talk to our IT department. Sent them on a tizzy actually. My position is such, that when I ask for something, they respond pretty quickly. After a day of banging their heads against the wall, the conclusion was, as long as I needed to receive outside mail, and he kept changing his email address, there wasn't much they could do. So, I'm rethinking. For the time being, all mail is going to my ass't. She will forward whatever needs my attention. I've been hesitating to do this, as I prefer to keep my issues our of the workplace, but your words struck me Rella, maybe I'm not all the way WANTING to totally let go? Time to mean what I say.

Doormat, I'm going to thirty!!! I can work my way BACKWARDS to ten from there. lol

My initial reaction to this was, "hey wait, didn't you read his response?" (can we all say DENIAL!!! LOL) then I realized you are absolutely correct Elizabeth!!! He doesn't give a squat. couldn't even get the 3 c's right,,,

It took a bit of cccccccourage (as the cowardly lion said) to post this thread. I like that everyone thought I was doing so well,,,lol. BUT, I told myself, that I learned so much from the courageous threads of others, that I had to share. Very often, when I was contemplating contact over the last ten days, the experience of others have prevented me from actually doing it. I guess what I wanted was to show, if we don't keep cleaning our OWN houses, before ya know it, there's crap on the floor again.

Whats done is done. What counts is how I face and deal with it. To SaTIT point, DEFIANTLY sponsor time. That phone call coulda saved me this time

For now, I'm kicking my CODIE ars!!!

Peace

CE Girl

No Sun, I'm on the "unkonown" one way north of the Vineyard. It's called Plum Island. Very small. I call it "the edge". In more ways than one,,,lol


Thanks Sista,,,right back at ya,,,,

Peace

Sunflower

I LOVE PLUM ISLAND!! I used to go there with my father fishing when I was younger--you are not leaving there are you???

Rella927

Ok still *confused* or maybe it is I just forgot my Ginkgo Biloba today!
Let me get this straight-you sent an e-mail to him, it was just not a response to his? Correct? LOL

I forgot to mention and glad that Elizabeth pointed it out! I knew someone would!! It was on my mind but, failed to do so in my first post!

I use to write to mine even when we were not broken up yet-hell I even tried to read things I wrote to him! And let me tell you just as Elizabeth stated-They see what they want to see and anything you write to them they will read between the lines and make it all about them! And do nothing but continue to throw the blame on us it is just a bunch of "quacking" on our end that they see-

I have actually found with that the shorter the letter and more direct to anyone (found this out with my mother not that it always works but it is more productive than it use to be with her-and the reaction is less offensive) the better!

Next time you want to write a letter-write but do not hit SEND...unless you feel the need to do it but, just remember the door you will open again to that roller coaster!

ICU

In the beginning of my separation from my ex, I kept a journal (a collection of 'dear x' letters if you will) of whatever it is I thought I 'just had to' communicate to him. It was my outlet....a form of therapy....I got it all out....but he never read or heard a word of it. That was my intention!

CE Girl, I do admire you for your honesty that you shared here with us. I know most, if not all, have at least been tempted to make contact with the ex. It's a hard feeling and habit to break, but a critical one for some moreso than others!

Rella927

Yes ICU I have those letters! And very scary I have a journal of our last trip together the trip from hell-in the car for 11 hours- from S. Carolina-amazing to look back and read that and I actually cry when reading and wonder how I ever kept myself in that situation for so long!

CE Girl

You know what? I thought it would make me feel better to let him know how I felt. Instead, I feel like crap.

ok, pissed. Sorry, its the bartender in me. I know, ironic huh?

Anyway, I've gotten past the embarrassment and realized its not about beating myself up for doing it, instead I need to take "inventory" if you will of how I feel. I feel disapointed in myself and yes, pissed that I have to take all these "kicks in the ars" before I realize, no matter what I do, HE'S not gonna change and all of a sudden CARE!!!!

Journal? Letters not mailed? Furiously writting on a pad of paper? I don't know if that will work for me, but the intention is clear. I need to get it out huh? All that crap on my core. The anger, resentment and yes, rage at what happened. I'm such a good little girl keeping it al inside huh? Boy, everyone should be impressed by my strength.

One thing I do know, it brought all the bad memories flooding back. today has been a "rememberance" of the reasons I can not go back. I will NOT fall into the cave Rella!!!

And oh brother, these weekends are hard,,,

ICU

Would a punching bag with his picture on it help? ;-)

CE Girl

Right now, feeling like that bag should have MY pic on it ICU. I know, I know, the pity pot does NOBODY any good

I'm gonna go to my island. It has "healing power". Raining and cold here in the nor'east, but dressed appropriately, the surf should be amazing. astronomical high tides. I'm native, there's spirits in those seas. Right now, I could use a few of em,,,

Peace

minnie

Heck, CE, I went through almost a YEAR of playing that game!!! I can only see in hindsight what a wate of time and emotion it was. Thank you for sharing, it mean a lot for all of us to share our stumbles. I am not very good at doing it, so you are teaching me someting today.

As for the "blah, blah, blah", my ex finally came out with his truth (in projections terms). I quote from an email he sent me in the middle of finanical settlement negotiations when I had laid out our prior agreement in black and white:

"I’m not being funny, but all I hear is blah blah!"

(I though it was the middle, but in fact it was only the bginning, but that's another story)

You had enough now? You have laid it out to him. The ball is on his court. He will show you, not tell you, what he is made of.

minnie

Oh, and that is the second time today that I have read about "your" Manchester. I think i need to include it on my next US trip......

ICU

I can feel those healing powers all the way here! Think I'll put on my soothing 'ocean waves' cd now. Thanks for the idea!!

Enjoy!

denny57

It took a LOT of courage, CE. I'm late to this one, but I agree with what's been said, I think he's probably mirroring back to you what he thinks you want to hear. Know what? Doesn't matter. Time will tell and more will be revealed.

You're doing good - IMHO of course LOL!!!!!