Highlander99

I have been so involved in my A and what her problems were that I never really worried much about me. Infact when I was asked recently if I liked myself, I had to say no. I felt like such a looser, my kids hate me and my wife has left me for a second time. Then I looked at it and the kids were spoiled rotten by, guess who and she never wanted to deal with her issues. She even told me that she would choose booze over me when I threatened to leave. Some of you know how it feels to be rejected for a 12 pack, and if you don't it does not make you feel very good about yourself. I don't feel good about my self, I feel beat up, used, taked for granted and then kicked to the curb. How do you like yourself when you feel this worthless. I look at my life ahead and I am trying to figure out a new future because my old plan is now in the dumper. Believe me I am not looking for pity and I really don't feel sorry for my self, I do feel stupid because I trusted her. All that a side I guess my real question is how do I move on?

Cynay

Well for me to learn to like myself and then on to loving myself took

Theraphy, Al-anon, Open AA Meeting, CoDA meetings, Reading everything and SR...

To move on took me time and keeping the focus on only me.

I had to figure out why I allowed this to keep happening, what was it inside me that I did not feel worth more, that I would not stop beating myself up.... Then I had t heal what I could and forgive.... forgiving the others was not so hard, forgiving myself took awhile... in fact I still struggle today alittle with self image.... but I can honestly say.....

Today, with alot of hard work, I love myself... I try and stay focused on myself my recovery and keep growing.

ICU

Ditto to what Cynay has expressed.

When I could take it no longer, I became a sponge...absorbing everything I could from all different venues (many of which are included in Cynay's list above).

It's funny how one thing led me to another in this recovery process. I was amazed at how so many things were all connected to my poor self image, and, where and when that all began!

It's a journey worth taking Highlander. Don't give up the fight...for yourself!

denny57

I know for me, I always liked me, but in living with alcoholism I stopped taking care of me. By the end, I certainly didn't like who I had become, but deep inside yes, I did like myself. Al-Anon, therapy, all of it, has helped me regain my feelings of self worth and it's been slow and steady progress.

((()))

misslisa

Im the alcoholic and I used and abused many partners over the years ... addicts are the best manipulators in the world! I cut loose and now I am on my own. I too struggled with Why do I exist, I look and feel like s**t! how can I like myself! Let alon love myself!

I started helping other, getting into their problems so I didnt have to face my own. I found that I thrived on being needed by others.

Now I do what I like to do, I make myself smile, I take 10 - 20 minutes out of everyday to write, draw, play music or anything that is just for me! I have made a few little steps forward and I can feel my self worth coming back. I expected for some great big light to switch on and then I would Love myself again, but I found that it is a slow process, and talking and sharing with people that are close to you can help tremendously. Especially when you share with a close friend and they say "hold up! your a good friend because of the way you are! I like you for you!"

Hope your getting there highlander, take care and be strong!

misslisa

elizabeth1979

When I lived with an alcoholic, I felt miserable and worthless. Mostly bc I was holding myself responsible for his actions.
What a failure I was bc I couldnt even get a man to love me enough to stop drinking for me. He had to be wasted to be with me...I must just really suck since that was the best I could do.
Yeah, I said all those things..and more.

I used to think that making good decisions came from good self-esteem and when I had good self esteem I would be eble to make good decisions and move on!
I was wrong.
It was the other way around.
Making good decisions is what gave me self-esteem. It re-inforced the idea that I was a good person, could make good decisions, could move on, and was damn worthy of good things.

One little thing at a time was all it took

splendra

Hey Highlander-

I have found that mentally beating myself up will leave me in a position to be stepped on some more. It took me a very long time to understand that it is what and how I think that shapes my experience.

My thoughts about my situation will make me look for and find whatever will support my thoughts good, bad, or indifferent. WHen an addict or alcoholic or anyone else for that matter is not treating me good I do not think that it is because I deserve to be treated in a way that is hurtful or disrespectful.

If I can be respectful even when not getting respect and compassionate even when compassion is not held out to me it will improve my situation because my thoughts will naturally flow in the direction of respect and compassion for all concerned including myself. When I refuse to agree with thoughts and actions that suggest I am no good I then can become a model for others including those ones who feel so bad about themselves that it seems okay to treat me bad. Because my thoughts about myself and others are very powerful.

We can try this out the very next time we are treated badly by listening to our own thoughts and refusing to give credence to any thought that is a put down of ourselves or others. Listen and do not speak or act do not back up negative thinking with action.... take good care!!

Sunflower

I bet we all have horror stories we could tell about how badly we were treated by an A. We expect them to behave normally--they can't (most of them anyway) they are mentally ill with this alcohol disease.It's a miracle we survive it all-no matter what choices we make.
Don't look back too much--that will really do a number on you--the past is the past--done deal-can't change it.You did the best you knew how in a difficult situation.Your children know that deep down inside believe me.It is hard to stay with an A and I really give credit to those of you who can do it and make it work.
Distraction works for me-things I enjoy doing when ever this knd of feeling hits me.
I could have never made it without meditation-I did it in the midst of chaos-I do it still now that my AS is in recoveryI use it to help with my physical pain as well..
Truely learning to understand--and meditating on how there is no past-no future--ONLY HERE AND NOW...I am still working on it myself...Best of Luck to you and God Bless......

StandingStrong

Here's a post I thought you might like to read:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...etting-go.html

For me - I guess I got to a place where I decided that I didn't deserve to be treated like my XAH treated me. I didn't deserve to be treated like I'd treated myself! Yea, I felt worthless and felt that I must really be a bad person, unattractive, and just an all around crappy person for my XAH to treat me the way he had.

But when I realized that I couldn't save him - BUT I COULD save MYSELF! that meant that I had to make *ME* my first priority. So began my being kind to myself. Believe me, that was a strange thing - but I was determined to be kind and loving to myself.

I had made some mistakes and done things I wasn't too proud of - but I had the opportunity to re-invent myself. I could be whoever and however I wanted to be - I could become someone that I liked! And *I* - the person I had to live with on a daily basis - me - could like me!

It takes awhile to rebuild our beaten self esteem, to forgive ourselves, and to learn to love and care about ourselves. We didn't end up in this place overnight - so we have to take it one step at a time - one goal at a time - and allow the recovery to progress.

Don't be so hard on yourself.