Why do I expose my four young children to an alcoholic
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Why do I expose my four young children to an alcoholic
Wow, why do I expose my four young children to an alcoholic? That is a very very hard question for me. And one that I have asked myself many times.
I have come up with...I never meant to. I have heard people say on here that alcoholism is a progressive disease and I think that is how it happened for us.
In the beginning I knew he drank, ALOT, but I was at a point in my life where I enjoyed that scene. The party scene, is what I am referring to. I was very vulnerable and going out was rejuvinating a youth I thought I had lost.
PLUS I had never, ever meant to fall in love with him and although I didnt necessarily approve of his lifestyle who was I to judge it? We were just friends. However, I did find him attractive and I enjoyed feeling *special*.
The truth of the matter is I never thought we could ever work past some extenuating circumstances.
Anyway, he drank often and heavily. But we were partying. You drink when you go to bars, house parties, clubs, ect. I didnt think too much of it especially since he wasnt driving, and he was 21. I sort of expected it of him.
He was a moderate drug abuser, but there were a few things he wouldnt touch. I disagreed with the drug abuse and after the first or second time he did them around me I let him know that I wouldnt tolerate it, around me or in my car. He obliged. I think at that point I decided..he's fixable.
After that I began to show more interest in him. Caring for him, helping him, enabling him, falling for him.
We met immediately after I was cheated on by my husband. Well not exactly immediately. I found out he had cheated end of Feb, and while trying to work it out I became pregnant again in March. In May I found out he still was having a relationship of some sort with this woman and actually came across some email where she joking referred to him as Scott Peterson.
I met my AB a week later. He was my brothers best friend. (circumstance #1) and we met on a family camping trip. I was three months pregnant (circumstance #2)
(I was also #3, still married, and #4, 6 years older than him) anyway we banked on nothing coming about due to those circumstances and I guess let our guards down.
Two months later and we were talking everyday and seeing eachother as much as we can. My mom was more than thrilled to babysit my twins any chance she got (since she lives two hours away) so I would get the weekend to myself. So what do you do for fun with a 21 year old? Go out and drink of course! (I was five months pregnant and always the designanted driver) but I was satisfying my needs in other ways, I felt pretty again, I felt youthful and independant again (twin babies are lots of work, I breastfed for 16 months, took care of my terminally ill gma and my 18 yr old brother *another story* not to mention I just had my heart broken which left me feeling worthless)
So four months later he moved in. He drank a few times a week, but the hardest part for me was how heavily he slept. or rather how he would pass out at night. ( i thought that was my problem, insecurity issues) I began to feel unprotected and vulnerable again. Where was the man I needed to keep me safe should someone break in or maybe I just longed to go to bed with someone who I could relate to. Someone who lived in my world. the real world. not one created by "the influence"
it started a problem then and there and that is when he tried "controling it". After quite a few months of failing at that came the dui last December. he quit for a month then and then tried once more to "control it". Finally now he had to make a choice...give up the booze for good or give up the family.. so far family has been the choice
I have come up with...I never meant to. I have heard people say on here that alcoholism is a progressive disease and I think that is how it happened for us.
In the beginning I knew he drank, ALOT, but I was at a point in my life where I enjoyed that scene. The party scene, is what I am referring to. I was very vulnerable and going out was rejuvinating a youth I thought I had lost.
PLUS I had never, ever meant to fall in love with him and although I didnt necessarily approve of his lifestyle who was I to judge it? We were just friends. However, I did find him attractive and I enjoyed feeling *special*.
The truth of the matter is I never thought we could ever work past some extenuating circumstances.
Anyway, he drank often and heavily. But we were partying. You drink when you go to bars, house parties, clubs, ect. I didnt think too much of it especially since he wasnt driving, and he was 21. I sort of expected it of him.
He was a moderate drug abuser, but there were a few things he wouldnt touch. I disagreed with the drug abuse and after the first or second time he did them around me I let him know that I wouldnt tolerate it, around me or in my car. He obliged. I think at that point I decided..he's fixable.
After that I began to show more interest in him. Caring for him, helping him, enabling him, falling for him.
We met immediately after I was cheated on by my husband. Well not exactly immediately. I found out he had cheated end of Feb, and while trying to work it out I became pregnant again in March. In May I found out he still was having a relationship of some sort with this woman and actually came across some email where she joking referred to him as Scott Peterson.
I met my AB a week later. He was my brothers best friend. (circumstance #1) and we met on a family camping trip. I was three months pregnant (circumstance #2)
(I was also #3, still married, and #4, 6 years older than him) anyway we banked on nothing coming about due to those circumstances and I guess let our guards down.
Two months later and we were talking everyday and seeing eachother as much as we can. My mom was more than thrilled to babysit my twins any chance she got (since she lives two hours away) so I would get the weekend to myself. So what do you do for fun with a 21 year old? Go out and drink of course! (I was five months pregnant and always the designanted driver) but I was satisfying my needs in other ways, I felt pretty again, I felt youthful and independant again (twin babies are lots of work, I breastfed for 16 months, took care of my terminally ill gma and my 18 yr old brother *another story* not to mention I just had my heart broken which left me feeling worthless)
So four months later he moved in. He drank a few times a week, but the hardest part for me was how heavily he slept. or rather how he would pass out at night. ( i thought that was my problem, insecurity issues) I began to feel unprotected and vulnerable again. Where was the man I needed to keep me safe should someone break in or maybe I just longed to go to bed with someone who I could relate to. Someone who lived in my world. the real world. not one created by "the influence"
it started a problem then and there and that is when he tried "controling it". After quite a few months of failing at that came the dui last December. he quit for a month then and then tried once more to "control it". Finally now he had to make a choice...give up the booze for good or give up the family.. so far family has been the choice
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
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Your children are absolutely beautiful! I applaud your optimism in supporting your AB. He's, no doubt, damn lucky to have you. And I truly hope that he can stay sober and live a long happy life.
Let me just say that I am not a Mother, and probably have lost that chance as I am 35 and on the verge of divorcing my AH. And even if we (by some miracle) stayed together, I don't think I could bring a child into this marriage with the "what if" factor hanging over my head. And definitely not if he was actively drinking. And once again, I truly hope and pray that things work out with your AB, but if they don't, I see no reason in the world why you would expose those precious cherubs (that are not even his biological children) to the insanity of this disease. I could not imagine a child having been exposed to my husband through the years as his drinking and alcoholism have progressed. For God's sake, our DOGS cower in the corner when he's drunk, and not because he's abusive towards them. He doesn't pay any attention to them at all when he's drinking. They just sense something is off. I can't imagine the devastating effect to children who grow up with an alcoholic parent/guardian. I'm an adult and a certifiable nut from having lived this life!
I'm sorry for what you have gone through with your x-husband. That has no doubt bruised your ego and I can see that your boyfriend was there to help restore your self-esteem a bit during a difficult time. Please consider giving Al-Anon a try. I am a firm believer in hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. Luck favors the prepared! The odds are against your boyfriend in terms of NOT replapsing w/out some type of recovery program in place - AA, outpatient counseling, etc. Especially in this early stage of sobriety. Search "dry drunk" which is someone who is not drinking, but not in recovery. My husband has had 2 long term periods of sobriety like this - once for 1 year and again for two years. And each time he relapsed, the intensity and severity of his drinking progressed rapidly compared with his drinking habits before. All I'm suggesting is to prepare yourself for this possibility and do what's best for you and your children. You all deserve it!
Let me just say that I am not a Mother, and probably have lost that chance as I am 35 and on the verge of divorcing my AH. And even if we (by some miracle) stayed together, I don't think I could bring a child into this marriage with the "what if" factor hanging over my head. And definitely not if he was actively drinking. And once again, I truly hope and pray that things work out with your AB, but if they don't, I see no reason in the world why you would expose those precious cherubs (that are not even his biological children) to the insanity of this disease. I could not imagine a child having been exposed to my husband through the years as his drinking and alcoholism have progressed. For God's sake, our DOGS cower in the corner when he's drunk, and not because he's abusive towards them. He doesn't pay any attention to them at all when he's drinking. They just sense something is off. I can't imagine the devastating effect to children who grow up with an alcoholic parent/guardian. I'm an adult and a certifiable nut from having lived this life!
I'm sorry for what you have gone through with your x-husband. That has no doubt bruised your ego and I can see that your boyfriend was there to help restore your self-esteem a bit during a difficult time. Please consider giving Al-Anon a try. I am a firm believer in hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. Luck favors the prepared! The odds are against your boyfriend in terms of NOT replapsing w/out some type of recovery program in place - AA, outpatient counseling, etc. Especially in this early stage of sobriety. Search "dry drunk" which is someone who is not drinking, but not in recovery. My husband has had 2 long term periods of sobriety like this - once for 1 year and again for two years. And each time he relapsed, the intensity and severity of his drinking progressed rapidly compared with his drinking habits before. All I'm suggesting is to prepare yourself for this possibility and do what's best for you and your children. You all deserve it!
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Hey 5Stars,no need to explain,unless you want to.Those who ask you this,make judgements on you,my suggestion is let these good folks--GO--as quick as you can.
Ive witnessed some kids who grew up in what "appeared" to be healthy good homes.Only to have the kids go astray.Mean ,selfish,,etc,,etc...And ive witnessed kids who like myself grew up in alcoholic homes,become the most compassionare,caring folks i ever met.
let no one judge you.
expalin to no one but yourself.start working on your own recovery.with folks who ARE working on their own recovery too.
God Bless and take care,,,
Ive witnessed some kids who grew up in what "appeared" to be healthy good homes.Only to have the kids go astray.Mean ,selfish,,etc,,etc...And ive witnessed kids who like myself grew up in alcoholic homes,become the most compassionare,caring folks i ever met.
let no one judge you.
expalin to no one but yourself.start working on your own recovery.with folks who ARE working on their own recovery too.
God Bless and take care,,,
Last edited by Morning Glory; 11-15-2008 at 12:25 PM.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
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Hey 5Stars...You express yourself so well...boy, I can relate to so much (sans the kids). You have a lot of insight and wisdom - it comes through in what you write. You are a very young woman, who's already had to deal with huge responsibility...and your ability to reflect/evaluate is impressive.
It's so true that we never mean to end up with A's. I love that story someone once posted here about the frog...if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water he'll jump right out, but if you put a frog in a pot of lukewarm water and slowly turn up the heat, until it eventually comes to a boil, he won't notice the gradual change and will get boiled and die.
Your description of how and why you fell for him is something, I am sure, most of here can really (really!) relate to. It is, without doubt, a slow process that seeps into our lives. And I particularly related to how you got together with your AB right after or during the break-up with your husband...I too "found" my A right after a break-up and other stressful events. Almost like trauma can skew us, makes us vulnerable to making poor choices (at least in my case). The "sweet" attention that the A's give us, is SO welcome at first! It's intoxicating! And if you do not know about the disease, it really does seem "fixable"...wow Roniii...you have a way with words.
You have obviously put a lot of thought into your situation...you seem like a girl who learns fast and can snap into action if need be. Reading the posts here at SR can be incredibly valuable and educational...it's so eye-opening to see what other people have experienced and to learn how insidious and progressive the disease is (I wish so bad that I found this site and learned what I know now BEFORE I married my AH) - how the risk for relapse is so high and how the bottle really does come first for A's, even when they don't want it to.
As a mom to four kids, all you do, I'm sure, is take care of them and give and give and give...but what's going on with you and, also, the AB is heavy stuff...What kind of support do you have for you? Who can you talk to about all of this? Finding myself a therapist has done me a world of good. I recommend it highly. I mean they're not perfect, but if you can find a good one, it's really helpful to talk it out with someone and get advice face to face. Also, a lot of people here have found Al anon really helpful. And - there's also a ton of great books...I think there's a classic reading list in the stickies at the top of the page.
Well, 5Stars, I am glad you are here at SR. I hope you keep posting! hugs, neg.
It's so true that we never mean to end up with A's. I love that story someone once posted here about the frog...if you put a frog in a pot of boiling water he'll jump right out, but if you put a frog in a pot of lukewarm water and slowly turn up the heat, until it eventually comes to a boil, he won't notice the gradual change and will get boiled and die.
Your description of how and why you fell for him is something, I am sure, most of here can really (really!) relate to. It is, without doubt, a slow process that seeps into our lives. And I particularly related to how you got together with your AB right after or during the break-up with your husband...I too "found" my A right after a break-up and other stressful events. Almost like trauma can skew us, makes us vulnerable to making poor choices (at least in my case). The "sweet" attention that the A's give us, is SO welcome at first! It's intoxicating! And if you do not know about the disease, it really does seem "fixable"...wow Roniii...you have a way with words.
You have obviously put a lot of thought into your situation...you seem like a girl who learns fast and can snap into action if need be. Reading the posts here at SR can be incredibly valuable and educational...it's so eye-opening to see what other people have experienced and to learn how insidious and progressive the disease is (I wish so bad that I found this site and learned what I know now BEFORE I married my AH) - how the risk for relapse is so high and how the bottle really does come first for A's, even when they don't want it to.
As a mom to four kids, all you do, I'm sure, is take care of them and give and give and give...but what's going on with you and, also, the AB is heavy stuff...What kind of support do you have for you? Who can you talk to about all of this? Finding myself a therapist has done me a world of good. I recommend it highly. I mean they're not perfect, but if you can find a good one, it's really helpful to talk it out with someone and get advice face to face. Also, a lot of people here have found Al anon really helpful. And - there's also a ton of great books...I think there's a classic reading list in the stickies at the top of the page.
Well, 5Stars, I am glad you are here at SR. I hope you keep posting! hugs, neg.
Last edited by Morning Glory; 11-15-2008 at 12:26 PM.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
when i met my daughter's father - i had no knowledge/experience about living with an alcoholic. and his disease did progress during our relationship.
i forgive myself. and i forgive him.
blessings, k
i forgive myself. and i forgive him.
blessings, k
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Join Date: Mar 2005
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Has someone asked you this question? or made a comment that has made you ask yourself this question? I think it's a good question to ask yourself periodically. You are explaining yourself. Is this something that is chewing at you, is it your inner self that you are answering?
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Thank you for sharing, 5Stars. ((()))
What About Me: you said: Let me just say that I am not a Mother, and probably have lost that chance as I am 35 and on the verge of divorcing my AH.
I'd like to share about a very good friend of mine. She stayed with her AH for 16 years, until she was 42, for the sole purpose of having a child (she felt if she left she'd lost her chance). After a number of miscarriages, the marriage ended (he still drinks). At 43 she met her current boyfriend, and at 45 she had her first child, a girl who is now 8 years old (a very happy surprise, as my friend had been convinced by her husband the miscarriages were her "fault"). Sometimes she'll say she wishes she had left the marriage earlier, but then the timing would have been off to meet her current guy. Whether you have a cut off date for when you'd like to have a child, I just wanted to share anything is possible, especially if I get out of my own way.
What About Me: you said: Let me just say that I am not a Mother, and probably have lost that chance as I am 35 and on the verge of divorcing my AH.
I'd like to share about a very good friend of mine. She stayed with her AH for 16 years, until she was 42, for the sole purpose of having a child (she felt if she left she'd lost her chance). After a number of miscarriages, the marriage ended (he still drinks). At 43 she met her current boyfriend, and at 45 she had her first child, a girl who is now 8 years old (a very happy surprise, as my friend had been convinced by her husband the miscarriages were her "fault"). Sometimes she'll say she wishes she had left the marriage earlier, but then the timing would have been off to meet her current guy. Whether you have a cut off date for when you'd like to have a child, I just wanted to share anything is possible, especially if I get out of my own way.
Last edited by Morning Glory; 11-15-2008 at 12:26 PM.
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Join Date: Sep 2006
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Hi 5Stars
I admire you for putting your foot down NOW, while your kids are still small, because they will have little memories of the drunken times. But as they grow up, you cannot erase those memories, they may be with them forever, and have a profound effect on their life. I just recently put my foot down because I think now it has a bigger affect on my daughters (10 & 12) and I refuse to tolerate it. You are a great mom, and the way in which you are supporting your AH is great, I hope it works out for you.
I admire you for putting your foot down NOW, while your kids are still small, because they will have little memories of the drunken times. But as they grow up, you cannot erase those memories, they may be with them forever, and have a profound effect on their life. I just recently put my foot down because I think now it has a bigger affect on my daughters (10 & 12) and I refuse to tolerate it. You are a great mom, and the way in which you are supporting your AH is great, I hope it works out for you.
Last edited by Morning Glory; 11-15-2008 at 12:26 PM.
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5Stars could you be asking your self this because I mentioned how as an alcoholic parent and seeing the damage I caused to my children due to my drinking that I was very happy that my wife chose our childrens welfare over me and herself?
ronii your children are very young and probably are not showing any signs of problems that manifest them selfs in children raised by an alcoholic.
My twin girls were really messed up in a large part due to my drinking, one of them attempted suicide while I was still drinking, she was 14, the other one took up cutting herself. Both of them are doing better now that I am sober, but still have some serious issues as a result of my drinking.
The one that was cutting is still doing it but not as much, they both have self esteem issues and have a huge lack of respect for men in general, they both get along with me a lot better, but it is still not what a father daughter relationship is supposed to be.
If I had not sobered up when I did my wife leaving me and taking the kids with her would have been the absolute best thing for the kids. My older kids carry the scars of my early drinking days still and I was no where near as bad with them as I was with my youngest.
This is just a recovered alcoholic parents opinion, but children are far more vulnerable to having there lifes ruined by an alcoholic parent then an adult is to have it ruined by an alcoholic spouse. The adult can move, a child is at the mercy of their parents.
ronii your children are very young and probably are not showing any signs of problems that manifest them selfs in children raised by an alcoholic.
My twin girls were really messed up in a large part due to my drinking, one of them attempted suicide while I was still drinking, she was 14, the other one took up cutting herself. Both of them are doing better now that I am sober, but still have some serious issues as a result of my drinking.
The one that was cutting is still doing it but not as much, they both have self esteem issues and have a huge lack of respect for men in general, they both get along with me a lot better, but it is still not what a father daughter relationship is supposed to be.
If I had not sobered up when I did my wife leaving me and taking the kids with her would have been the absolute best thing for the kids. My older kids carry the scars of my early drinking days still and I was no where near as bad with them as I was with my youngest.
This is just a recovered alcoholic parents opinion, but children are far more vulnerable to having there lifes ruined by an alcoholic parent then an adult is to have it ruined by an alcoholic spouse. The adult can move, a child is at the mercy of their parents.
Last edited by Morning Glory; 11-15-2008 at 12:26 PM.
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 58
Oh my gosh, I am in tears right now.
I thought for sure I would be bashed for my post and to the contrary be called a bad mother for things I've done. Like being in a bar at 5 months pregnant while my year and a half old twins were with my mom.
thank you so much for all the support and compliments. You've lifted my spirits tremendously and I really cant thank you enough. I try really hard and too many times my effort goes unnoticed. I am soo glad I found this site and all of you.
And to answer your question, I was asked by a member here about exposing the children. Not in a harsh way, and I wasnt offended. And now I am glad I answered. I carry a huge weight on my little shoulders and its so nice be "uplifted" here...
Thanks again.
I thought for sure I would be bashed for my post and to the contrary be called a bad mother for things I've done. Like being in a bar at 5 months pregnant while my year and a half old twins were with my mom.
thank you so much for all the support and compliments. You've lifted my spirits tremendously and I really cant thank you enough. I try really hard and too many times my effort goes unnoticed. I am soo glad I found this site and all of you.
And to answer your question, I was asked by a member here about exposing the children. Not in a harsh way, and I wasnt offended. And now I am glad I answered. I carry a huge weight on my little shoulders and its so nice be "uplifted" here...
Thanks again.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
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I have to say, I always find it hard when people stay in alcoholic and/or abusive relationships when there are kids about. That is in no way a judgment on you, simply an observation from a non-parent.
But you know what, 5Stars? You get it. Because you are asking questions about YOU and YOUR motivations. And that is going to be your key.
I think I had to spend a fair amount of time understanding what was going on for him before I then got to asking the questions that really changed my life for the better. What were my motivations? Why had I done all those thing that seems to logical at the time and so crazy in hindsight? Where were the patterns occurring in my life? Once I got into this type of questioning, my recovery came on leaps and bounds.
You're doing great.
But you know what, 5Stars? You get it. Because you are asking questions about YOU and YOUR motivations. And that is going to be your key.
I think I had to spend a fair amount of time understanding what was going on for him before I then got to asking the questions that really changed my life for the better. What were my motivations? Why had I done all those thing that seems to logical at the time and so crazy in hindsight? Where were the patterns occurring in my life? Once I got into this type of questioning, my recovery came on leaps and bounds.
You're doing great.
Last edited by Morning Glory; 11-15-2008 at 12:27 PM.
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I had asked myself that question too. But you know - the questions really began getting louder for me as my kid's got older. I became terrified that my son's would learn that it was okay to treat their wives or girlfriends like my XAH treated me - I was terrified that my daughter would grow up and believe it was okay to allow a man to treat her as I had allowed her father to treat me. And I knew if that happened, I would be partly to blame for the example I was setting and what my actions were teaching them!
That was a real reality check!
And so I began questioning things - lots of things.
As was said already by another member here - you are "getting it" in your own time. And you are seeing it for how it is. Reality checks and Acceptance have been a major key in my own recovery and I applaud you for having noticed and getting a grip on your understanding of things now. I can see alot of things in my children now that they are older that I wonder if I could have prevented had I gotten my act together sooner - but I don't stress on it as I know I can't change the past. I can only go on from today. And that's what you can do.
Keep on your journey. It sounds as though you are moving right along in a positive way.
That was a real reality check!
And so I began questioning things - lots of things.
As was said already by another member here - you are "getting it" in your own time. And you are seeing it for how it is. Reality checks and Acceptance have been a major key in my own recovery and I applaud you for having noticed and getting a grip on your understanding of things now. I can see alot of things in my children now that they are older that I wonder if I could have prevented had I gotten my act together sooner - but I don't stress on it as I know I can't change the past. I can only go on from today. And that's what you can do.
Keep on your journey. It sounds as though you are moving right along in a positive way.
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