I passed the test.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I passed the test.
Okay, maybe not a real test - but it was still a test.
Let me explain - especially to those that haven't followed my journey here at SR. There was a time when my A was seeing some woman (and I use that term loosely) and I flipped out about it. Oh yea, I went right back into the pit of insanity with one big jump, both feet first!
Then came the discovery that my A was talking to some woman that he'd met online (after he'd told me that they weren't talking online anymore) Oh yea, I didn't handle that well, especially when I found out that they were talking on the phone. Only this time, I didn't freak out or jump back quite so far in the pit.
But still.....I handled both situations in a way that I shouldn't have.
Now, we are divorced. And while I figured that my XAH was now dating, I really didn't know for sure. I don't ask and no one tells me. It works out well that way.
Oh wait - I almost forgot, there was also the married woman he asked out, she turned him down and he told me that he'd met her when we broke up but he'd not asked her out then cuz he was trying to save his marriage (trying to make me feel guilty) because she went on to get married. Yea, okay. But he was very secretive about her - wouldn't tell me her name or where she worked, etc. and that was okay by me. (I didn't tell him that one of the kids' slipped and told me where she worked - lol)
So anyways.......................
Today I discovered that he'd taken my daughter out to eat with him and a woman he was dating. I know her first name.
I also discovered that the married woman that he was so secretive about is still in contact with my XAH. Through his work - but yet he has her phone number. Hmmmm.....okay. And I am told that her husband is a *jerk* (not the name used) and I got the impression that he supposedly treats her badly. Hmmm..........(that caught my attention)
So...............I passed the test. My XAH is out dating and I really am okay with that. I didn't get that panicky heart-racing feeling that I used to get. Nor did I feel the need to pry or be jealous or anything like that. Yeah me!!!!!
On the flip side though - I had a thought (and of course I am just guessing here) but from what I gather about the "secret" woman - it caught it my attention because I really wonder if he sees the similarities in her and me. All the other women that I knew of were nothing like me - one of them even had many of us wondering "What was he thinking?" - but this one.......hmm.......I really have to wonder if he's just picked out his next victim. And if she's really in such an unhappy marriage - well - you get the picture. I wonder how long it will be before she leaves and ends up with my XAH while each of them continue the role.
Makes me very happy to not be there anymore. I see where I have changed, my friends have changed, and my boyfriend is nothing at all like my XAH. Just keeps reminding me that I am getting better - and I believe through his many actions that he's still the same. I definately made the right choice for me!
Let me explain - especially to those that haven't followed my journey here at SR. There was a time when my A was seeing some woman (and I use that term loosely) and I flipped out about it. Oh yea, I went right back into the pit of insanity with one big jump, both feet first!
Then came the discovery that my A was talking to some woman that he'd met online (after he'd told me that they weren't talking online anymore) Oh yea, I didn't handle that well, especially when I found out that they were talking on the phone. Only this time, I didn't freak out or jump back quite so far in the pit.
But still.....I handled both situations in a way that I shouldn't have.
Now, we are divorced. And while I figured that my XAH was now dating, I really didn't know for sure. I don't ask and no one tells me. It works out well that way.
Oh wait - I almost forgot, there was also the married woman he asked out, she turned him down and he told me that he'd met her when we broke up but he'd not asked her out then cuz he was trying to save his marriage (trying to make me feel guilty) because she went on to get married. Yea, okay. But he was very secretive about her - wouldn't tell me her name or where she worked, etc. and that was okay by me. (I didn't tell him that one of the kids' slipped and told me where she worked - lol)
So anyways.......................
Today I discovered that he'd taken my daughter out to eat with him and a woman he was dating. I know her first name.
I also discovered that the married woman that he was so secretive about is still in contact with my XAH. Through his work - but yet he has her phone number. Hmmmm.....okay. And I am told that her husband is a *jerk* (not the name used) and I got the impression that he supposedly treats her badly. Hmmm..........(that caught my attention)
So...............I passed the test. My XAH is out dating and I really am okay with that. I didn't get that panicky heart-racing feeling that I used to get. Nor did I feel the need to pry or be jealous or anything like that. Yeah me!!!!!
On the flip side though - I had a thought (and of course I am just guessing here) but from what I gather about the "secret" woman - it caught it my attention because I really wonder if he sees the similarities in her and me. All the other women that I knew of were nothing like me - one of them even had many of us wondering "What was he thinking?" - but this one.......hmm.......I really have to wonder if he's just picked out his next victim. And if she's really in such an unhappy marriage - well - you get the picture. I wonder how long it will be before she leaves and ends up with my XAH while each of them continue the role.
Makes me very happy to not be there anymore. I see where I have changed, my friends have changed, and my boyfriend is nothing at all like my XAH. Just keeps reminding me that I am getting better - and I believe through his many actions that he's still the same. I definately made the right choice for me!
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Thanks Zoey. I have had some moments where "Free" was the key word to explain the feeling. But I also find myself having alot of moments where it's "odd" - lol. Or a feeling of "Okay, what am I supposed to feel?"
It's all good, don't get me wrong. I guess it's just obviously not something I'm used to dealing with. The whole detached and uninvolved feeling. know what I mean?
It's all good, don't get me wrong. I guess it's just obviously not something I'm used to dealing with. The whole detached and uninvolved feeling. know what I mean?
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
You know StandingStrong. You are a great woman. Wow to stand proud is a great feeling. Forget his baggage and create the world you want to live in.
Just remember!! The breakup wasnt about you or who you are, it was about him and who he was/is.
Good Luck in your future
Justjo
Just remember!! The breakup wasnt about you or who you are, it was about him and who he was/is.
Good Luck in your future
Justjo
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Way to go StandingStrong!
I hope to pass the test like you if I run into my ex with someone else.
I have to keep remembering that if he's miserable with me, he'll be miserable with someone else too, and if I were still with him, I'd be miserable now.
I hope to pass the test like you if I run into my ex with someone else.
I have to keep remembering that if he's miserable with me, he'll be miserable with someone else too, and if I were still with him, I'd be miserable now.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Awesome StandingStrong! I too like cagefree hope to pass that test someday! I know that feeling of falling back into that pit of insantity when you hear or see that they are with someone! But I must say that I'm so much happier and glad that I'am not with him-so falling into that pit makes no sense sometimes looking back on it!
Way to go SS for passing that test! And I think IMHO that it is a real test-it is a test that you have and are doing your work on recovery! A ++++
Way to go SS for passing that test! And I think IMHO that it is a real test-it is a test that you have and are doing your work on recovery! A ++++
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
This thread is one of the things I LOVE about SR,,,,
Just what I needed to see today Standing, as I struggle through my infancy of detachment.
To see a level I hope to acheive someday and know you have reached it, gives me hope
Peace
Just what I needed to see today Standing, as I struggle through my infancy of detachment.
To see a level I hope to acheive someday and know you have reached it, gives me hope
Peace
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
At first I was jealous. The sheer quantity of her cell calls (I was footing the bill on a family plan) was bizarre as was the time. All hours 24/7 like 7/11 or like a drug dealer. Her alcoholism began well into our marriage and was NOT present early on. Anyway she had multiple flings with different males. Some were married playing her. One was a cop whose job it was to deal with bar room brawls around closing time. I guess the job description also included to prey on addicted females.
Basically they had no real interest in caring for her further than the bottle and or the good time. Once, after we were separated she called to tell me she had someone that loved her and vice a versa. I asked her then why have you been calling our old friends trying to borrow money. Slam, hung up the phone.
Sane non addicts will not tolerate much for too long having a relationship with an addict. I recall dating an alcoholic and it was truly miserable and did not last long at all.
The most important thing I realize and accept is the fact that there is NOTHING I can do to control it, fix it, etc. If she has a boyfriend it is HIGHLY likely he too is an addict. They tend to gravitate to each other. I very much miss her as the person pre-alcoholism but I DO NOT miss the alcoholic person. Living with that was a nightmare. Many have and do recover but I cannot and will not put myself on a cross waiting for that moment. I have more important things to do like being a good father and trying not to spoil a lovely little girl (too much)
Right now that person IS NOT the same person I knew before and unless she gets sober she will progressively deteriorate, another issue that causes loved ones to worry so much.
Basically they had no real interest in caring for her further than the bottle and or the good time. Once, after we were separated she called to tell me she had someone that loved her and vice a versa. I asked her then why have you been calling our old friends trying to borrow money. Slam, hung up the phone.
Sane non addicts will not tolerate much for too long having a relationship with an addict. I recall dating an alcoholic and it was truly miserable and did not last long at all.
The most important thing I realize and accept is the fact that there is NOTHING I can do to control it, fix it, etc. If she has a boyfriend it is HIGHLY likely he too is an addict. They tend to gravitate to each other. I very much miss her as the person pre-alcoholism but I DO NOT miss the alcoholic person. Living with that was a nightmare. Many have and do recover but I cannot and will not put myself on a cross waiting for that moment. I have more important things to do like being a good father and trying not to spoil a lovely little girl (too much)
Right now that person IS NOT the same person I knew before and unless she gets sober she will progressively deteriorate, another issue that causes loved ones to worry so much.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Hey, SS, you have followed my own journey. I had a similar experience and can now see clearly how my ex picks out the women he is with. On the face of it, we are nothing alike. Underneath, we are all depressingly similar. Particularly, that we all all chosen when we were at particularly vulnerable times in our lives, not to mention that we obviously gave out that "rescuing" vibe.
You are doing so well. It doesn't matter, because it is not personal. Their script continues as it ever was, but we have decided to rewrite ours.
You are doing so well. It doesn't matter, because it is not personal. Their script continues as it ever was, but we have decided to rewrite ours.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Thank you all so much. I really wasn't too sure if I should even post it, as I thought it may sound corny! lol But you know - there was a time where I just never really believed that I'd ever get this far!
And Minnie, thank you. You were one of those that inspired me early on - and keep on doing so. Having you say that I've followed your journey is a compliment! Knowing that we both have found peace in a place where we once only found chaos is just an awesome thing!
But again, thank you everyone for your support and your encouraging words. It means a great deal to me.
And Minnie, thank you. You were one of those that inspired me early on - and keep on doing so. Having you say that I've followed your journey is a compliment! Knowing that we both have found peace in a place where we once only found chaos is just an awesome thing!
But again, thank you everyone for your support and your encouraging words. It means a great deal to me.
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