kglast

i have been crying off and on for days now...it has been a week since i have spoken to my A, he has called twice but i did not answer and he did not leave a message...i am having a very hard time accepting that this is the way our story ends...maybe i am being unrealistic and i am just so confused...i don't even know what i want anymore. i actually (cringe) called crying today and left a message (stupid, i know) and now i regret it... i know i need to really work on detaching and doing things for myself....i just feel so empty inside...dead inside....i am just so sad....do i just need to feel him wanting me??? why do i need that???? i feel this unbelieveable need to know he is as miserable as i am. i don't miss the drinking him AT ALL, but i desperately miss the man who said this would never happen. that he would never just do whatever he wanted without caring how i feel. what is wrong with me??? why haven't i had enough? why do is still keep hoping that there is a chance? that he will call me and say he has been sober since we last spoke (doubtful since he called here at 12:30 am sat nite) and wants to work things out more than anything....how do i get past this????

5Stars

He is miserable. Believe me... I cant imagine that the life of any alcoholic is anything but.

The only advantage he has over you right now is the ability to numb the pain with the booze.. you are better than that... I was... AND I had four small babies that I couldnt be mentally oblivious to...I can not tell you how many times my relationship was in the same situation as yours right now and I wondered/felt the same things. He is numbing the pain and it might be easier right now for him. He may be able to function to some degree where it feels to some degree you cant. But you know what, when the reality finally hits him and he cant get any number not only will he deal with the same pain you feel right now but on top of that the realization that it is all HIS fault.

I am sorry you're going through this right now.. It sucks it really does but it will get better... Saying a prayer for you and yours....
Ronii

denny57

What are you doing to help yourself? Al-Anon, therapy?

WhatAboutME

You get past it with time. Of course it hurts. You have every right to be upset and I think you should allow yourself the opportunity to go through these emotions. Don't beat yourself up for being honest about how you feel.

And honey, he IS as miserable as you are. Even more so, I'm sure. I have yet to meet a truly happy alcoholic who has lost their husband/wife, job, friends, family, house, kids, family dog, etc. He is drinking to NOT feel his pain. Unlike you, he's not dealing with his emotions, he's drowning them.

chero

(((((((kg)))))))

ghostgirl

(((((k))))))

you are with friends here. it will get better for you. i know how it feels to want the ex to call, just to get some sense of validation. i'm trying to work on finding myself worthy of the good in life, and not thinking i'm not worth it because the ex won't validate my worth.

its really tough, k. but you will get through this. and the crying phone calls, i made one of those myself today... and its been over a month since the breakup! i even asked if he'd like to meet for coffee, and when he didn't respond the way i wanted so that i would feel better, i hung up feeling worse than when i called, and spent a few hours wanting to kick myself.

but we are among friends here, and it gets better.

((()))

gg

hopeangel

(((kglast))) it is a process dear. you will come out on the other end of this stronger and smarter. let the healing begin.

kglast

just took his phone call - stupid - he was drinking of course. and i suppose i got really upset b/c he didn't say what i wanted to hear. shouldn't have answered - shouldn't have argued with him....but i think part of me needed to hear him being an a@@ so i would remember exactly why we are where we are right now. does that make any sense?

StandingStrong

I can't give you the answers. But I can tell you that I understand. I relate to alot of the things that you say - the wanting him to want you, the missing the man you married, etc. But what I discovered for me was that I had to accept the reality. And believe me, that wasn't an easy thing to do. But the man that I married all those years ago was no longer the same man that I found myself with. He had changed. It was quite the painful grieving process to go through to let go of that man that I had loved and that I missed.

Acceptance is hard. But I found for me that was the beginning of being able to let go and accept the reality.


I also found that I had things that I'd not done in my life because my A didn't want to do them, things I'd given up for him, etc. so I set out on a quest to rediscover my life - to LIVE life! Even if they were small goals or things that didn't mean anything to anyone else, I went out and started enjoying life again, one day at a time, one small thing at a time.

It's a process. But I really believe that the key is accepting that the man you once loved is not the man that you see now, he's gone. The dreams you had with him are gone. Accept it.

(((((lots of hugs coming your way)))))

parentrecovers

hugs, k

Rella927

((((KGLAST))))) The above could not be stated anymore perfect!

I use to cry and cry and get the "crazies" kicking in-I understand your pain Hon! I know we all do! So as WhatAboutMe said "Don't beat yourself up for being honest about how you feel" we all go through it-are going through it, will go through it whatever our level of recovery is!

Take care of you!!

CE Girl

KG, we're in the SAME place

I haven't "caved" as of yet, but there are times during the course of "in the day" I want to pick up the phone, write or even send carrier pidgeon, to get his attention. I can't get it through this THICK injun skull of mine, that I haven't gotten it so far, what makes me think I'll get it now.

What's working for me when I get those urges to contact him? IN THE MOMENT. Not a second, minute, hour, day, week more. I have to resist in the moment.

I feel "ok, I've done it, a FULL week, the balls in his court. Why isn't he picking it up?" Having just type that, I'm reading thinking what the hell is WRONG with me!!! I'm reminded of a phrase my Mom use to say, "be careful what you ask for, you might get it".

I'm asking for peace and sanity in my life. I might get it. But what is wrong with me, that I want my A too?!?!?!? Its MY boundry and I'm mouring the fact that he might actually KEEP it!!!

Whoa is me, whatever will become of us

Is that a pity pot?

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh,,,I gotta get out of here and do something that keeps me away from ALL electronic media. If you can believe it, i just gave my phone to my ass't so I wouldn't have it with me and be tempted.

Hang in there, I know I'm trying too
Peace

dontcareinmi

Give him/her a demand. If they use, you leave and be prepared to leave. It is not worth living with an A.

cagefree

I can understand this feeling and struggle with it sometimes - though not as much as time passes.

I can only relate in my own experiences in dealing with these feelings:

Sometimes my thoughts on whether or not I can forgive and let go of my anger are based on whether or not he gets, REALLY gets what he did to me - which is why I want to know if he is hurting as I don't think he will ever get it. Sometimes I want to think he will - but it doesn't really matter anymore.

The conclusion I always come to is that I'm not really missing what "would be" if we were still together. Frankly, it would suck and I would feel more alone than ever.

It's difficult to give ourselves the validation we need to move on. But giving myself my own validation instead of looking to him is what I personally need to let that go.

Sorry you're dealing with this - it really is a crappy stage to be at.

Sunlight81

We are as addicted to them as they are to the bottle. You sound like you might be pretty close to your bottom. I'm afraid that's the only bottom we have any control over. When do we choose life over chasing an A? Most of them can't quit without help and they still really have to want the help. What if that applies to us, too?
There is lots of help available, fellowships, therapists, programs, books, spirituality, etc. What feels like the end can be a new beginning. Detachment means getting your life back. Don't feel like the lone ranger.

Highlander99

kglast

Never argue with an alcoholic, it is like washing Kleanex, it is totally pointless. I stayed with my A for almost 5 years and then she left me. I made the mistake of waiting for her to make a choice and when she finally got help and was in AA for 2 months I was served with divorce papers. We had other problems but mostly they were hers and I just never had the brains or the courage to get out. I can honestly say from where I am now, I don't know why you would want your A back in your life. They have to do what they have to do and there is nothing you can do to change that. You have to worry about what you can change and live with what you can not change. Don't do what I did and wast your life on some one who cared more about booze than she ever did about me. Live you life for you and not for a drunk.

loveRoy

I have never liked the saying "it takes time" because I want it now. In reality, it does take time. Believe me, I know how bad you hurt. For me, there have been days that I thought I would die from a broken heart. I didn't die. I let him come back and break my heart again. Don't make that mistake.

Sunflower

Hugs......

rosalie

You are heart broken. That is how one reacts when they see all their dreams go up in smoke. Whatever is going to happen will make you a stronger person. You still have a long life ahead of you just waiting to be discovered.