an'ka

Have you guys ever watched 'My name is Bill W'? My AH brought it to my attention when he called from detox two days ago. Said it would help me understand his disease and not be so judgmental. He didn't remember about my door that he kicked in, and said that this binge "was just a lump" and what he needs from me right now is support. Never mind that he's never offered me any support, never mind that the "lumps" are all his--he expects me to just swallow what he dishes out, pay for it--literally and figuratively, and stand by him, because he has a disease. What is that movie and why is he so adamant about me seeing it?

parentrecovers

i watched it, very interesting. k

denny57

I like it, James Woods is very good. Bill W got in his act in gear. I don't remember the scene, though, where he told his wife to get over it.

an'ka

Very funny, Denny57. Why is it that some people can stay with their alcoholic spouses for decades and support them through multiple relapses or even active drinking, and other, like me, just can't do it? My problem is, I KNOW that I cannot provide support and be patient with AH, but I also feel guilty, as if I was throwing a good man away because of his disease?

Zoey

I would rather you read "Under the Influence" and take him a copy of that.

chero

Zoey, I just bought that book last night. Under the influence. I haven't had a chance to open it yet.

An'ka! You are doing good! Don't let the guilt rob you of your life!!!

CE Girl

DITTO An'Ke!!! I have struggled with this one question for the ENTIRE time I was with my A. To me, its a catch 22. I KNOW it is a disease, I KNOW that my A can't help his chemical makeup. I KNOW that I want to be his "partner" in the true sense of the word, taking the good with the bad. I guess what it comes down to for me, is taking everything he said or did so damn personally. He may not have remembered, but it is burned in MY memory forever. Simply put, the disease took the desire to "support" away.

That and the fact that I can't get past, help your DAMN self ya BIG DOPE!!!!

If he were doing SOMETHING, anything to stop the madness, I would be right there. But to continue and EXPECT me to put up with it, is a deal breaker for me. Thats not my idea of a partnership. I've made "adjustments" to MY life to accomindate him, now its HIS turn. And if that selfish, then too bad. He's got his share of that trait himself.

Unfortunatly, it created an impasse. One I don't think we'll survive.

The one piece of advice that seems to be repetative here and other places, is my A needs to be SOBER for a good amount of time, (at LEAST 6 months STRAIGHT) before I would even consider a reconciliation. At this point, I don't think its something I'm ever gonna have to ponder.

I need to move on

But, its so HARD and so SAD

Just my expereince
Peace

chero

Thanks CE! That was a good reminder and brought me my first smile today!!

denny57

I'm one of the "others," too. We're all different. I had to be honest and admit I didn't WANT to do it any longer. I had a chat with our doctor where he told me he sees many spouses in their 60's, 70's and beyond who cry over their regret that they didn't live a joyous life. I saw myself as potentially being one of them and decided my life's work was not saving someone else, but myself. I don't have the guilt anymore - it was a process and I used every tool I had at my disposal: our doctor, Al-Anon, therapy, reading, lectures, open AA, friends, you name it. I DID do everything I could and I have always made it clear to AH that if he chose to seek sobriety I would support him in that. I still mean it, even though I would never go back to the marriage.

I no longer worry that because some choose to stay that I have made the wrong choice by leaving. It is not an indicator of the depth of my love, compassion or understanding. I do not believe I abandoned him. I continue to believe AH has the best chance of sobriety with me out of the picture, enabling. What works for me will not work for everyone.

((()))

an'ka

"I KNOW that I want to be his "partner" in the true sense of the word, taking the good with the bad"--

I guess, if a relationship is reciprocal and you can lean on your A partner in times of need, that would be ok. But in my experience, I end up being the one who does it all and if I ever have a crisis of my own, I will lean on my two girlfriends, not my spouse. Our "partnership" is one-sided and always has been. I take care, I fix what he breaks, I am there as a back up in case of an emergency, I provide a safe place to stay, I take care of the child, I buy things for the house--he has no damn responsibility! I don't even ask him for money and he doesn't feel like he has to offer. Argh!

CE Girl

Key Words there An'ka, and I guess we can deduce where your screen name comes from,,,being the "anchor' huh?

And its VERY true, a partnership involves more than ONE person. DUH!! he,he,he

Codies = caretakers

Nuff said

Peace

rosalie

I have seen the movie and read the book you mention here.
Both give insight into the mind of an Alcoholic.
I also watched the HBO''Addiction.Excellent.

GlassPrisoner

He's not in a position to be telling you what you need to do. He's gotta clean up his side of the fence first. Then demonstrate some time. Even then, it's none of his business.

One of the umpteen times I tried to sober up on my own, I procured the Big Book of AA and read it (while drinking). I got to the chapter "To Wives" and highlighted several paragaphs (completely out of context) and mailed it to my wife. Things like (paraphrased) "Leave him alone", "Don't nag", "Be supportive"......

When we're drinking, we're nuts. Period.

Anyway, I would go work on yourself. And, it would be helpful to at least learn about the "disease". Except for some parts about AA, "Under the Influence" is spot on.