Grace

My brother informed me that I think the world revolves around me.
He said that I shouldn't expect my family to stay away from my ex because
we are no longer together.
THEN, he said, "You want to blame everything that goes wrong in your life on someone else!!!" Now THAT hurt! I was with an abusive alcoholic.

He said that every time that my ex-A kicked me out, I expected them (my family) to be angry at him. He said, "You're an adult and these are YOUR consequences for making poor choices." He said, "If you were younger it would be different, but you're 50 and you should know better by now."

Ultimately, our entire debate said...."Just because someone hurts YOU doesn't mean that we should disown them."

NOW....this is my question: "Are we Codies a lot like the Alcoholics?"
An Alanoner once told me that we are just the flip-side.

Am I being self-centered by expecting my family to stand beside me?
Am I thinking that the world revolves around me? (I don't feel that way, honest)
Am I blaming everything that goes wrong on someone else? (I didn't think I was)

If I'm acting like this I honestly want to know so that I can change it.

Please be honest with me, friends!
My family has no problem with it!

Grace

ICU

Grace, as far as what your brother has said to you, consider the source!!!

Secondly, what do 'you' think about you? Not what you're being 'fed by angry, addicted bullies', but what 'you' truly think?

Zoey

Grace, some people just like to hurt others.
I know, even when we know how people are,and they have no right to judge, it still hurts.
Caring hugs

dollydo

Grace,

All I can add is that when my hubby and I divorced, my father remained friends with him until he died in February. It was my fathers choice, not my business. It did not mean my father did not support me, he did. He just believes as an adult, I make my own choices, good or bad, and he makes his.

You cannot control others, you can only control you.

What are you doing to get back on your own? Living wth your family is not the answer to your finding happiness, too much turmoil in that arena.

They supported you by taking you back in, now it's time to move on.

chero

Oh Grace! Are you being self-centered for expecting the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally to do so!? NO! NO! NO!

I've always tried to remember, esp where my family is involved, that hurting people hurt people.

If you don't agree with your brother's statements then leave it with him. Don't carry that around with you!

It was wrong of him to judge you and say such terrible things.
I'm sorry you are going through this on top of everything else!

((((((((GRACE))))))))

fluffyflea

Grace,

It's unreasonable to expect your family to support you because they are as sick as your ex. If they weren't caught up in the same alcoholic spiral as him then they would be capable of giving you support but they aren't in this situation.

It's nothing to do with thinking the world revolves around you it's more to do with having expectations of people who aren't capable of meeting the expectations.

As we say in A.A, MY LEVEL OF SERENITY IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO MY LEVEL OF EXPECTATIONS.

If I don't have expectations of other people I'm a lot more serene.

Now, what are you doing about finding another place to live?

Earthworm

Grace

I think that I'm having too many EXPECTATIONS and that is causing me to lose my SERENITY!

I also, unfortunately, think that my addicted family members are bullying me.
Hurting people DO hurt people! That is why my exA was so abusive towards me.

I DON'T think that I'm self-centered. I'm codependent, and I'm looking for something that isn't there. I always have been. I think I'm missing something that hasn't been here, in my family, since my grandparents died.
I DO NOT blame everything that goes wrong on someone else! I never have!
I accept responsibility for my own mistakes and poor choices. The only person, besides me, who has suffered the consequences of my poor choices is my daughter. Thank GOD she is on the right track. I've apologized to her, and explained to her WHY I've made these mistakes. She forgives me and she understands. Hopefully, she won't become a codie or an addict. Unfortunately, she has the genetics and the dysfunction coming from both sides. All I can do is pray for her, and hope that she can learn from my mistakes.

Her graduation was a very proud moment for both of us!
It was an awesome day!

Thanks you guys for helping me to look 'closer' at myself and to realize that I am having expectations that I shouldn't.

Now that my daughter's graduation is over with, I can start concentrating more on getting myself on the right track.

I used to have a poster on my wall when I was a teenager that said,
"Blessed are those who expect nothing for they shall not be disappointed."
I need to watch my expectations.

Grace

giz

Grace,

After the breakup with my ex-abf, my very good friend was acting like a go-between and actually seemed to be siding with my ex. The last straw for me came when she actually said, "See, he won't talk to me anymore because you said my name in court!"

WTF. I filed an order of protection because the guy wouldn't stop calling and emailing me. He'd already threatened to kill me and throw all my things out and she knew this. That was a big wakeup call that she was wrapped up in the "spell" he was casting out to those he did not abuse. Hey, I'd bought it when I first met him and as we know, these A's are very charming because they need to keep codies around.

So, like ICU said, "consider the source". It is insane that your family thinks his emotional and/or physical abuse is acceptable in the year 2007. We're not in the 1950's when slapping up your partner was a part of keeping your house in order. These "men" who are doing this are very young boys in grown men's bodies.

Real men; adult men, don't get drunk.
Boys get drunk because their mom's will bail them out.

You are not crazy or insane or any of those for wanting your natural god given rights of respect. Asking your family or telling them your expectations that you don't want them talking to the man who's been drinking and abusing you...making your life a living hell...IS ACCEPTABLE!

If they are "on his side" or blaming you, make note, they are sick too and you should reduce your contact with them. Get a mentor, get a therapist, volunteer. The more time you spend around mentally unhealthy people, the more you become like them.

Giz

loveRoy

Tell your brother that I am 51 and I am still learning.

Grasshopper

Hi,Grace,im not going to judge you or your family.Consider the source,has been asked of you.Personally for me,ive gotten some pretty,up front,wake up calls from those folks who i didnt really think much of at the time,lol.So,,take what you feel is true,in what another tells you,and leave the rest.
How do you think your family needs to stand by you.?Think about this.When your mad at another all family member should have nothing more to do with this person...Then when you have made up and are together again,all family members should now embrace,that person.Then when this person abuses you,and you leave all family member now need to have nothing more to do with this person........Your family are supporting you,and remaining who they are.

thinkmink

Everyone has the right to make their own choices. Everyone also has the right to their own feelings. Feelings aren't facts, they just are what they are. Sounds like your family has been supportive of you by taking you in so that is something to be grateful for. You living with them probably wasn't what they had planned on, but they have chosen to because they care about you. You and your daughter also don't have to live in that abusive environment anymore. That's something to be grateful for too. I am not trying to tell you how to feel, I am telling you how I feel about your situation. I just usually have to focus my energy on the positives to feel happy. I, too, had to leave my home. And I am grateful for the exact same reasons for my own situation.

SaTiT

It's not so much the blame game,
my mom would say the thing to me.
She say those things to me out of love.
and a part of me knows that already.
The fustrations comes from knowing it and finding
myself doing it again and again..

it's a little bit confussing if you're sick.
If you where well..you wouldn't have all these
questions or a hardtime pulling away.
And it's a bit more confussing if you throw moral values
into it...becuase the active alki or addict is the one
f-ing up. And all of the anger and fustrations builds
up in the co-dependent while the alki is wacked out
of their minds or numb to it all.

A normie..will have a heck of a time understanding
a codi..and why codi do what they do.
it clear to a well person...it's not so clear or
cut and dry, to a codi....
just the same as a codi will have hell of a time with
an akli.


In other words..you can feed good data into a wacked
computer..A computer with a virus will trun the good data
into moosh.

As for me..I made those same decisions over and over
again.

While getting emotionally detached for me is a good start.
it gave me a break so..i might make better chioces..
But ya see..I don't and I didn't..
The thought process that gose in my head...messes me up
too.

I was sick..it's was beyound me..beyound my thought
process, my morals, my emotions.
I'm about as powerless over trying to stop my codependent
behaviors as an alki trying to stop drinking.

That is the semilarities...

if you been in recovery long enough..
my sponsor and many other oldtime will
piont out to me..I'm about as damn powerless over
my charecter defects as my drinking..coming for the alki side.
this pretains to step #6 and #7.
yes..true I can run on my own willpower for a while..