Someone please help me...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: California
Posts: 3
Someone please help me...
It's almost 2 am where I live - I can't fall asleep. I've been with my boyfriend now for a little over 7 months, most of which have been idyllic. He's pretty much everything I've ever looked for in a man. We've both been engaged before, but never married. We found eachother through an online dating site, and while it wasn't love at first sight, we both fell pretty hard for eachother not long after meeting.
He's an alcoholic primarily, but has used drugs in the past and is also diagnosed bi-polar. He was very open about what he's done and what he's been through when we met (at which time he'd been clean and sober for 5 months), and I went into the relationship with my eyes wide open. He recently received a 1 yr. chip from AA (the first time he's done this), and we've been living together for about 2 months. We've had our ups and downs, but at the end of the day I truly love him with my whole heart. He's very involved in AA, and has a very large sober support network (which is primarily why I moved in with him, relocating to a new city and finding a new job). Our roommate is also in AA with him and they usually support eachother pretty well. Up until a few weeks ago, things were good.
I've been having some difficulties adjusting my new home and being further from friends and family, but I'm dealing with that. My boyfriend recently ended a commission-based job that ended up costing him more money than it made him, and was just hired for a new salary based job. He started Monday. He was off of work for about two weeks while job hunting, and during that time he began having problems with his bi-polar disorder. It first presented as insomnia - he would only get a few hours of sleep each night and would rotate between sleeping on the couch, bed and floor. He told me he would call his mother (a licensed psychologist) and his psychiatrist. After about a week he seemed to be sleeping better, and as I've mentioned, he started his new job on Monday. Monday he relapsed. He drank vodka on Monday, then Friday, then again yesterday. I didn't realize he was drinking until yesterday - I thought he was just having a hard time with his bi-polar disorder (which was what he told me). Saturday night, after spending time with some friends, I came home to find him acting strangely. He'd told me his mom was coming to bring him different psych. meds while I was gone, but when I got home he could barely speak and appeared drunk. Thinking that this was perhaps medication intoxication, I asked him what he'd taken (ambien, seroquel). He was up and down most of the night, mumbling to me and talking out loud as if in a dream. Terrified, I called his mother the next morning, who spent the day with him and ran me down a list of the medications he was supposed to be taking and when and what to do to help. After she left, I asked my boyfriend what had been going on, at which point he said he was "a loser," and "did the one thing (he) should never do," - namely, drink.
Our roommate told me to do my best to take care of himself and not enable him - be supportive, but don't compensate for his reduced functioning. I'm just so scared. I asked him if he's done drinking, and he said no. I found and threw away the rest of the vodka he'd had stashed in our room, and am anxiously awaiting morning so that I can throw away the remaining liquor in the house. I need to mention here that I do drink, and while I had reservations about keeping alcohol in the house, my boyfriend assured me that it would not be a problem and he'd feel more uncomfortable if I felt that I couldn't do the things I normally do around him. When I checked the fridge an hour ago I saw that he'd drank most of the bottle of wine I'd left (I dumped the rest).
I don't know when I've ever been so scared or lost. I'm a recovery counselor and I work at a clinic, but I swear that there's nothing I've been taught that could've prepared me to handle this. I feel powerless and lonely and I just want the man that I love to come back to me. We've been looking at rings and talking about the children we want to have one day. I don't know if I should monitor his meds or if that would be too co-dependent or if I should find my own place or just wait it out. I don't know if I need to talk to him now or wait until he comes to me. I don't know if I should tell his mom that he's relapsed or wait for him to come out of it and tell her in his own time. He said that he drank his ex-fiance away - that ultimately she left him. I don't want to have to make that choice.
Sorry if this seems a bit wordy, but I process by typing. Someone please help me.
He's an alcoholic primarily, but has used drugs in the past and is also diagnosed bi-polar. He was very open about what he's done and what he's been through when we met (at which time he'd been clean and sober for 5 months), and I went into the relationship with my eyes wide open. He recently received a 1 yr. chip from AA (the first time he's done this), and we've been living together for about 2 months. We've had our ups and downs, but at the end of the day I truly love him with my whole heart. He's very involved in AA, and has a very large sober support network (which is primarily why I moved in with him, relocating to a new city and finding a new job). Our roommate is also in AA with him and they usually support eachother pretty well. Up until a few weeks ago, things were good.
I've been having some difficulties adjusting my new home and being further from friends and family, but I'm dealing with that. My boyfriend recently ended a commission-based job that ended up costing him more money than it made him, and was just hired for a new salary based job. He started Monday. He was off of work for about two weeks while job hunting, and during that time he began having problems with his bi-polar disorder. It first presented as insomnia - he would only get a few hours of sleep each night and would rotate between sleeping on the couch, bed and floor. He told me he would call his mother (a licensed psychologist) and his psychiatrist. After about a week he seemed to be sleeping better, and as I've mentioned, he started his new job on Monday. Monday he relapsed. He drank vodka on Monday, then Friday, then again yesterday. I didn't realize he was drinking until yesterday - I thought he was just having a hard time with his bi-polar disorder (which was what he told me). Saturday night, after spending time with some friends, I came home to find him acting strangely. He'd told me his mom was coming to bring him different psych. meds while I was gone, but when I got home he could barely speak and appeared drunk. Thinking that this was perhaps medication intoxication, I asked him what he'd taken (ambien, seroquel). He was up and down most of the night, mumbling to me and talking out loud as if in a dream. Terrified, I called his mother the next morning, who spent the day with him and ran me down a list of the medications he was supposed to be taking and when and what to do to help. After she left, I asked my boyfriend what had been going on, at which point he said he was "a loser," and "did the one thing (he) should never do," - namely, drink.
Our roommate told me to do my best to take care of himself and not enable him - be supportive, but don't compensate for his reduced functioning. I'm just so scared. I asked him if he's done drinking, and he said no. I found and threw away the rest of the vodka he'd had stashed in our room, and am anxiously awaiting morning so that I can throw away the remaining liquor in the house. I need to mention here that I do drink, and while I had reservations about keeping alcohol in the house, my boyfriend assured me that it would not be a problem and he'd feel more uncomfortable if I felt that I couldn't do the things I normally do around him. When I checked the fridge an hour ago I saw that he'd drank most of the bottle of wine I'd left (I dumped the rest).
I don't know when I've ever been so scared or lost. I'm a recovery counselor and I work at a clinic, but I swear that there's nothing I've been taught that could've prepared me to handle this. I feel powerless and lonely and I just want the man that I love to come back to me. We've been looking at rings and talking about the children we want to have one day. I don't know if I should monitor his meds or if that would be too co-dependent or if I should find my own place or just wait it out. I don't know if I need to talk to him now or wait until he comes to me. I don't know if I should tell his mom that he's relapsed or wait for him to come out of it and tell her in his own time. He said that he drank his ex-fiance away - that ultimately she left him. I don't want to have to make that choice.
Sorry if this seems a bit wordy, but I process by typing. Someone please help me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR KittyNat.
I'm sorry you are in so much pain right now. I'd like to suggest you do some reading here, both in this forum, and in the stickies located at the top. There's lots of good information, and information is what you probably need right now. Plus it will be helpful to find out that many others feel the same way you do right now and what they have done in similar situations.
Keep reading, keep posting, keep coming back.
I'm sorry you are in so much pain right now. I'd like to suggest you do some reading here, both in this forum, and in the stickies located at the top. There's lots of good information, and information is what you probably need right now. Plus it will be helpful to find out that many others feel the same way you do right now and what they have done in similar situations.
Keep reading, keep posting, keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Welcome to SR KittyNat, Kinda quiet at this hour. Many others will be along as they get up,
While waiting read the stickeys at the top of where you started your thread.
In my personal opinion I believe it is too hard to live with both conditions, alcoholism is a nightmare so it would be much worse with both.
It has to be your decesion, but you are young, relationship not that long, if I were you I would move back home.
Seems many on here have had to leave as the alcoholism progresses.
Keep posting, it helps to write it all out where people understand and care.
Take what you can use and leave the rest.
So sorry this has happened to you. Love just doesn't fix them. Not fair to childern.
Caring, understanding hugs
While waiting read the stickeys at the top of where you started your thread.
In my personal opinion I believe it is too hard to live with both conditions, alcoholism is a nightmare so it would be much worse with both.
It has to be your decesion, but you are young, relationship not that long, if I were you I would move back home.
Seems many on here have had to leave as the alcoholism progresses.
Keep posting, it helps to write it all out where people understand and care.
Take what you can use and leave the rest.
So sorry this has happened to you. Love just doesn't fix them. Not fair to childern.
Caring, understanding hugs
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
You really cannot do a thing for him, he has to do it. Hopefully he'll jump back on the recovery train, and, this will only be a little setback.
If not, you'll have to face the issue head on. Your roomate has given you good advice, no enabling, it is his problem to resolve, not yours.
If it were me, I'd put the whole wedding thing on hold, there is no hurry, keep yours eyes and ears open, the truth is right in front of you.
Keep posting, it will help.
You really cannot do a thing for him, he has to do it. Hopefully he'll jump back on the recovery train, and, this will only be a little setback.
If not, you'll have to face the issue head on. Your roomate has given you good advice, no enabling, it is his problem to resolve, not yours.
If it were me, I'd put the whole wedding thing on hold, there is no hurry, keep yours eyes and ears open, the truth is right in front of you.
Keep posting, it will help.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
Welcome to SR, Kitty! I'm sorry for what you are having to go through but you have found a great place to come for understanding, support, encouragement.
Zoey hit the nail on the head....Love doesn't fix them.
It's so hard to watch someone you love self-destruct. What is even worse is when you wake up one day and realize not only did they self destruct, but they took you with them.
It sounds like since he has been in AA he has the tools he needs at his disposal--if he wants to use them. Alcoholism is an ugly, horrible illness. You can't do it for him.
I'm so sorry for your pain right now but please take care of YOU in this situation.
Welcome!
Zoey hit the nail on the head....Love doesn't fix them.
It's so hard to watch someone you love self-destruct. What is even worse is when you wake up one day and realize not only did they self destruct, but they took you with them.
It sounds like since he has been in AA he has the tools he needs at his disposal--if he wants to use them. Alcoholism is an ugly, horrible illness. You can't do it for him.
I'm so sorry for your pain right now but please take care of YOU in this situation.
Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
hi kitty, welcome 
i agree with dolly. i'd put the wedding on hold and take a step back. he doesn't want to quit, and he probably won't until he loses everything he cares about. if you plan on still living there with him, i'd recommend not keeping alcohol in the house. i personally didn't drink when i was with my ex (i still choose not to), but i would think having alcohol in the house would be like constantly egging him on in his head. other recovering A's have mentioned the bottle "calling" to them - i just wouldn't want to put anything in his path that would be a trigger, regardless of whether or not he says it's okay with him. i think for a lot of them, it's really not, but having alcohol near them somehow feeds the addiction.
i agree with dolly. i'd put the wedding on hold and take a step back. he doesn't want to quit, and he probably won't until he loses everything he cares about. if you plan on still living there with him, i'd recommend not keeping alcohol in the house. i personally didn't drink when i was with my ex (i still choose not to), but i would think having alcohol in the house would be like constantly egging him on in his head. other recovering A's have mentioned the bottle "calling" to them - i just wouldn't want to put anything in his path that would be a trigger, regardless of whether or not he says it's okay with him. i think for a lot of them, it's really not, but having alcohol near them somehow feeds the addiction.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Welcome to SR Kitty Nat,,,
Your story sounds a lot like mine.
Why do you think this is? Could it be you can detach from your patients?
Unfortunatly, that's EXCATLY what your going to have to do. It took me a while to figure this out. At first, I thought I could help. We could be "partners" in his recovery. I held his hand through EVERY step, going to counselers with him, AA meetings, Emergency rooms, detox centers (twice in 10 months). All the while it was a roller coaster of blissfullnes and nightmares. The ONE thing I did for myself, was begin attending Al anon meetings. It was part of my leading by example, but ultimatly it led to my ability to let him be in charge of his OWN recovery.
I understand, new love, and all the things that go with it, you want the "honeymoon" stage to last forever and all the hopes and dreams you talked about as a couple to come true. Unfortunalty A's are a breed unto themselves. I never had experienced a relationship with an addict. the ole saying, "if I knew then, what I know now" holds very true.
OMG, are our A's twins?!?!?
Not only did he drink half the bottle, I was livid, it was the BEST bottle of Pinot I ever bought,,,and to think, it was wasted on him. LOL. I didn't keep alcohol in "our" home, but when I left him, I had bought that bottle of wine for dinner with some friends in MY home. One visit from him took care of that. And of course a visit to the only liquor store on the island, AND the only bar. He was TRAASHED. He ended up staggering down the middle of the causeway of the VERY small island I live on, stopping saturday tourist traffic. My friends all watched from their homes and were very amused. I was mortified.
It doesn't sound like you have expereinced the worst yet.
As Betty Davis once said, "buckle yourself in, its gonna be a BUMPY ride"
This site, the wonderful people on it, and working my OWN program has been my salvation. Don't worry about what you type, just keep TYPING girl!! We're here
Peace
Your story sounds a lot like mine.
I'm a recovery counselor and I work at a clinic, but I swear that there's nothing I've been taught that could've prepared me to handle this.
Unfortunatly, that's EXCATLY what your going to have to do. It took me a while to figure this out. At first, I thought I could help. We could be "partners" in his recovery. I held his hand through EVERY step, going to counselers with him, AA meetings, Emergency rooms, detox centers (twice in 10 months). All the while it was a roller coaster of blissfullnes and nightmares. The ONE thing I did for myself, was begin attending Al anon meetings. It was part of my leading by example, but ultimatly it led to my ability to let him be in charge of his OWN recovery.
I understand, new love, and all the things that go with it, you want the "honeymoon" stage to last forever and all the hopes and dreams you talked about as a couple to come true. Unfortunalty A's are a breed unto themselves. I never had experienced a relationship with an addict. the ole saying, "if I knew then, what I know now" holds very true.
When I checked the fridge an hour ago I saw that he'd drank most of the bottle of wine I'd left (I dumped the rest).
Not only did he drink half the bottle, I was livid, it was the BEST bottle of Pinot I ever bought,,,and to think, it was wasted on him. LOL. I didn't keep alcohol in "our" home, but when I left him, I had bought that bottle of wine for dinner with some friends in MY home. One visit from him took care of that. And of course a visit to the only liquor store on the island, AND the only bar. He was TRAASHED. He ended up staggering down the middle of the causeway of the VERY small island I live on, stopping saturday tourist traffic. My friends all watched from their homes and were very amused. I was mortified.
It doesn't sound like you have expereinced the worst yet.
As Betty Davis once said, "buckle yourself in, its gonna be a BUMPY ride"
This site, the wonderful people on it, and working my OWN program has been my salvation. Don't worry about what you type, just keep TYPING girl!! We're here
Peace
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome kitty glad you're here!
I know how scary it can to uproot yourself and move a long distance and have something go wrong.
I would suggest some Al-Anon meetings. Some points in your post that stood out to me: his former fiance left him over his drinking; your worry about the children you are planning together (after only 7 months) and throwing out the alcohol.
Throwing out the alcohol is a huge waste of money, as he will get more. You say he's very involved in AA, but I wonder if he's working the steps. A suggestion heard over and over is to not get into a serious relationship in the first year of sobriety.
I also understand how it can be to focus on my own dream for the relationship and not see it for what it truly is.
Read and learn all you can and keep posting.
I know how scary it can to uproot yourself and move a long distance and have something go wrong.
I would suggest some Al-Anon meetings. Some points in your post that stood out to me: his former fiance left him over his drinking; your worry about the children you are planning together (after only 7 months) and throwing out the alcohol.
Throwing out the alcohol is a huge waste of money, as he will get more. You say he's very involved in AA, but I wonder if he's working the steps. A suggestion heard over and over is to not get into a serious relationship in the first year of sobriety.
I also understand how it can be to focus on my own dream for the relationship and not see it for what it truly is.
Read and learn all you can and keep posting.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I think when a man tells you early on in the relationship that:
(1) he's an alcoholic
(2) he's had a problem with drugs in the past
(3) he suffers from bi-polar disease
(4) he's only been sober for 5 months
and you somehow convince yourself that he's a great catch and that you can have a normal, healthy relationship with him that you entered into this relationship WITH YOUR EYES WIDE SHUT, not your eyes wide open. Looks to me like you're in some serious denial about your relationship. What's even more disturbing is fact that you claim to be a recovery counselor.
Personally, I think you need just as much help as your boyfriend, and I would suggest you seek a counselor for yourself--one who can help you understand why you're attracted to men like this in the first place. I would also suggest that you find an Alanon group in your area and regularly attend the meetings.
Good luck to you.
(1) he's an alcoholic
(2) he's had a problem with drugs in the past
(3) he suffers from bi-polar disease
(4) he's only been sober for 5 months
and you somehow convince yourself that he's a great catch and that you can have a normal, healthy relationship with him that you entered into this relationship WITH YOUR EYES WIDE SHUT, not your eyes wide open. Looks to me like you're in some serious denial about your relationship. What's even more disturbing is fact that you claim to be a recovery counselor.
Personally, I think you need just as much help as your boyfriend, and I would suggest you seek a counselor for yourself--one who can help you understand why you're attracted to men like this in the first place. I would also suggest that you find an Alanon group in your area and regularly attend the meetings.
Good luck to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: California
Posts: 3
Thank you all.
I'm going to try to go to an Al-Anon meeting tonight - thank you all. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet, but I know that it may become an option. He wants to try to get into an 11 day detox. I'm going to prepare my backup plan, but at this moment I want to do what I can to stay by him as he works through this. I have the support of his parents and our mutual friend and roommate. I know that a day may come when I have to leave him, but I don't think it's today.
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
Hi KittyNat - i have found myself in a similar situation....i too, stayed by my XAF through several attempts at "sobriety" after several "relapeses" - he was sober the first two years of our relationship.
there is not much advice i can offer at this point, as i am still struggling to let go and leave our relationship behind - but i can tell you that loving and supporting him through it were not enough. i also had the support of his parents, siblings, friends, AA friends, sponsor, etc. and it still did not matter. just my experience but thought i would share it with you. the ultimatum has now been given and we haven't spoken in a week. gee, wonder how he has been spending his time??? good luck.
there is not much advice i can offer at this point, as i am still struggling to let go and leave our relationship behind - but i can tell you that loving and supporting him through it were not enough. i also had the support of his parents, siblings, friends, AA friends, sponsor, etc. and it still did not matter. just my experience but thought i would share it with you. the ultimatum has now been given and we haven't spoken in a week. gee, wonder how he has been spending his time??? good luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
I think it's great that you have found this site and hopefully some of our stories will help guide you in making a decision that's best for you.
Personally, I would never, ever in a million years marry this man. I don't care if he had the good looks of Brad Pitt, the bank account of Donald Trump, the humanitarian heart of Oprah and the humor of Vince Vaughn. An alcoholic / drug addict with less than 5 months sober who just relapsed...There is not enough money, good will or humor in the entire world to ease the pain of living with an active alcoholic.
But hey, that's just me. I'm in a pretty foul mood today. I'm trying to get my crazy husband into rehab - for the SIXTH time! If only I'd known then what I know now!
Personally, I would never, ever in a million years marry this man. I don't care if he had the good looks of Brad Pitt, the bank account of Donald Trump, the humanitarian heart of Oprah and the humor of Vince Vaughn. An alcoholic / drug addict with less than 5 months sober who just relapsed...There is not enough money, good will or humor in the entire world to ease the pain of living with an active alcoholic.
But hey, that's just me. I'm in a pretty foul mood today. I'm trying to get my crazy husband into rehab - for the SIXTH time! If only I'd known then what I know now!
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