One Last Night of Drinking to Say Goodbye? Good or Bad Idea
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I suppose that any attempt is better than no attempt at all. Well, unless his attempts become excuses for one big blast once a week. I sense a real immaturity in his desire to have one last binge. I mean let's at least call it what it really is.
A man with four small children has no right to a last binge, he doesn't realize HE HAD NO RIGHT TO THE FIRST ONE. Alcohol is a beverage, not a friend he'll never see again. Detoxing on his own is a bad idea. With four small children, wouldn't it be best for him to go through this somewhere else? I'm sure that's a mute point.
I sense that this seems like a romatic notion, there is nothing romantic about the physical and mental withdrawl of alcohol. The process of recovery at home should start after a medically supervised detox that is managed by professionals.
If it were me, knowing what I know now, I would set a boundary that he has to have a plan B if this doesn't work.
A man with four small children has no right to a last binge, he doesn't realize HE HAD NO RIGHT TO THE FIRST ONE. Alcohol is a beverage, not a friend he'll never see again. Detoxing on his own is a bad idea. With four small children, wouldn't it be best for him to go through this somewhere else? I'm sure that's a mute point.
I sense that this seems like a romatic notion, there is nothing romantic about the physical and mental withdrawl of alcohol. The process of recovery at home should start after a medically supervised detox that is managed by professionals.
If it were me, knowing what I know now, I would set a boundary that he has to have a plan B if this doesn't work.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello,
One last drink to say goodbye to drinking?
Well after I picked myself off the floor from laughing so hard that I fell out of my chair, I had to write.
Sounds like another typical alcoholic reason to drink.
There are 2 things that hold true. AA for him and Alanon for you.
These two groups have helped people control their behavior and set a new path for life for millions of people.
These are also two separate journeys also.
You need to start yours and he needs to start his.
Neither of you can help the other.
One last drink to say goodbye to drinking?
Well after I picked myself off the floor from laughing so hard that I fell out of my chair, I had to write.
Sounds like another typical alcoholic reason to drink.
There are 2 things that hold true. AA for him and Alanon for you.
These two groups have helped people control their behavior and set a new path for life for millions of people.
These are also two separate journeys also.
You need to start yours and he needs to start his.
Neither of you can help the other.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
true the last hurrah---but I have heard from may who have done just that--nothing funny about it--as long as he follows through....try and stay positive--it will help you and him both.Everyone is different--he needs to do whats right for him-and you for you.One never knows what the outcome will be....stay strong..
He is talking like an alcoholic because he is one!! Doesn't that make sense? Once he detoxes--and if the medication works for him--that and willpower-plus AA or private counseling will clear his mind.
He is talking like an alcoholic because he is one!! Doesn't that make sense? Once he detoxes--and if the medication works for him--that and willpower-plus AA or private counseling will clear his mind.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: DooDooville, USA
Posts: 453
I'm not sure this will help answer the question, ronii, but.....I went on antabuse years ago because myself and a court counselor decided I should. I was on it 6 months and I cried every day for the first two weeks.
I was living, at the time, with an A and he continued to drink. That was hard for me to see him do that and back then, I just wasn't as ready to quit as I thought I was. So, the day after the 6 months were up, I went back to drinking.
5 years later, I quit drinking for good because I had HAD it with alcohol and I didn't do antabuse that time or AA. I leaned on my faith and went to therapy to work on the issues of why I drank in the first place. It's worked for 13 years and I don't care to even have a drink.
I'm in clubs alot because I dance (help teach line dancing in a C&W bar) and I'm a music scout for a record label, so I do live concert reviews. People that I come with or sit by can drink all night, but I'll stick to my water and lime.
I was living, at the time, with an A and he continued to drink. That was hard for me to see him do that and back then, I just wasn't as ready to quit as I thought I was. So, the day after the 6 months were up, I went back to drinking.
5 years later, I quit drinking for good because I had HAD it with alcohol and I didn't do antabuse that time or AA. I leaned on my faith and went to therapy to work on the issues of why I drank in the first place. It's worked for 13 years and I don't care to even have a drink.
I'm in clubs alot because I dance (help teach line dancing in a C&W bar) and I'm a music scout for a record label, so I do live concert reviews. People that I come with or sit by can drink all night, but I'll stick to my water and lime.
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
May I point out that the first step in seeking sobriety, is not
just run to A.A. anymore. The first step is to be assessed by a professional
in alcoholism treatment...This is why there are so many relapses according to the professionals.. Let the professionals diagnose and match the patient to the proper
treatment program for that individual....
Yes A.A. is great, so is al anon, but, in either addicted, or enabling situations, A.A. and al- anon are not always the beginning and end to recovery..
Many times it involves dual diagnosis, other types of therapy, and family therapy..
This affects the whole family, the whole family has to go ino treatment, it is not a you fix your problem I'll fix mine.....
He needs to have more of a plan than just taking the drugs, it is proven the drugs are only a part of treatment. He needs group, or single therapy, or a 12 step program....best wishes, hope3
just run to A.A. anymore. The first step is to be assessed by a professional
in alcoholism treatment...This is why there are so many relapses according to the professionals.. Let the professionals diagnose and match the patient to the proper
treatment program for that individual....
Yes A.A. is great, so is al anon, but, in either addicted, or enabling situations, A.A. and al- anon are not always the beginning and end to recovery..
Many times it involves dual diagnosis, other types of therapy, and family therapy..
This affects the whole family, the whole family has to go ino treatment, it is not a you fix your problem I'll fix mine.....
He needs to have more of a plan than just taking the drugs, it is proven the drugs are only a part of treatment. He needs group, or single therapy, or a 12 step program....best wishes, hope3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I don't think there is any formal first step. I think having the desire to quit is the first step. Whatever steps that follow may be different. Being assessed by a profesional is a great option, if that option is available to a person. I know an aweful lot of people who don't have health insurance and so they have to use what meqans are available to them for free.
Many times, the money is gone and the job may even be gone.
AA can be the first step. It isn't necessarily the steps alone that increase the likelihood of success. It can be the support of the group. It provides a regimine.
If a person has tons of money, there are more options.
Most of the people I know who need help don't have alot of money.
They don't have alot of friends headed toward sobriety. Their friends wouldn't be supportive.
I wouldn't discourage anyone from whatever hep is available to them.
If someone is determined to quit, they will. That comes from inside not outside.
That's my problem with this particular situation.
The realization and epiphany that a person comes to when it is time to quit isn't filled with last parties and drama. It is humbling.
Maybe it's just me but if he asked me to have a last drink with him, my drink would go in his face.
He has taken on the responsibility of four little kids.
Sorry to be so blunt.
Many times, the money is gone and the job may even be gone.
AA can be the first step. It isn't necessarily the steps alone that increase the likelihood of success. It can be the support of the group. It provides a regimine.
If a person has tons of money, there are more options.
Most of the people I know who need help don't have alot of money.
They don't have alot of friends headed toward sobriety. Their friends wouldn't be supportive.
I wouldn't discourage anyone from whatever hep is available to them.
If someone is determined to quit, they will. That comes from inside not outside.
That's my problem with this particular situation.
The realization and epiphany that a person comes to when it is time to quit isn't filled with last parties and drama. It is humbling.
Maybe it's just me but if he asked me to have a last drink with him, my drink would go in his face.
He has taken on the responsibility of four little kids.
Sorry to be so blunt.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
to say goodbye...good or bad idea..
whose to judge???I cant...
Im alcoholic--
although i was ruining my life with alcohol,
i actually cried and hugged my 40ozer,when i admitted i was alcoholic,and new i couldnt drink anymore..that i needed to stop.
been sober by God,s Grace,for many years now..
whose to judge???I cant...
Im alcoholic--
although i was ruining my life with alcohol,
i actually cried and hugged my 40ozer,when i admitted i was alcoholic,and new i couldnt drink anymore..that i needed to stop.
been sober by God,s Grace,for many years now..
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by hope3 
May I point out that the first step in seeking sobriety, is not
just run to A.A. anymore. The first step is to be assessed by a professional
in alcoholism treatment...
just run to A.A. anymore. The first step is to be assessed by a professional
in alcoholism treatment...
Seriously, how can I say one thing is wrong and then profess my way is the way? Something valuable I have learned from the 12 steps is the importance of speaking from the "I." What worked for me may not work for someone else. Then again, it might.
I cannot be so arrogant as to believe what worked for me is what will work for someone else. I will continue to share that what did work for me was Al-Anon (my first step), then therapy, etc.
Bottom line: a hope for recovery for all affected.
((()))
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
Well thank you for pointing out my arogance, I would like to call it my opinion.
To be assessed by a professional in alcoholism, is what the highest regarded professionals are saying, that the treatment should be matched to the person, I can't say what is right for anyone, but I can share what I learned from the highest regarded research and medical doctors opinions. Thats all I'm sharing here...
I state this information based on the studies done and reported in Addiction, why can't they just stop...I am not dictating one way of recovery, just that if seen and assessed makes more sense. If you think about it, do we try to diagnose treatment for any other illness when we find out we have it, no, we seek out a professional..
I would never tell anyone what thier recovery should be, please do not miss take my opinion, if I wasn't clear on my point, I opologize...
I only have hope and love for all who are suffering, and hopes that they can find the right recovery for them...
In keeping with this, alcoholism is a progressive addiction, and many stages. Also many alcoholics are know to be dual diagnosis, to ask one self to diagnose and heal thyself, without professional help is just not the best a person can do for themselves, IMHO, hope3
To be assessed by a professional in alcoholism, is what the highest regarded professionals are saying, that the treatment should be matched to the person, I can't say what is right for anyone, but I can share what I learned from the highest regarded research and medical doctors opinions. Thats all I'm sharing here...
I state this information based on the studies done and reported in Addiction, why can't they just stop...I am not dictating one way of recovery, just that if seen and assessed makes more sense. If you think about it, do we try to diagnose treatment for any other illness when we find out we have it, no, we seek out a professional..
I would never tell anyone what thier recovery should be, please do not miss take my opinion, if I wasn't clear on my point, I opologize...
I only have hope and love for all who are suffering, and hopes that they can find the right recovery for them...
In keeping with this, alcoholism is a progressive addiction, and many stages. Also many alcoholics are know to be dual diagnosis, to ask one self to diagnose and heal thyself, without professional help is just not the best a person can do for themselves, IMHO, hope3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by hope3
Well thank you for pointing out my arogance, I would like to call it my opinion.
"I cannot be so arrogant as to believe what worked for me is what will work for someone else."
I did not point out your arrogance. I did not say, I cannot be so arrogant, AS YOU ARE BEING..... though it's possible you may have read it that way.
I believe your post IS your opinion, and I think my posts make that clear.
I work very hard at not reading into other's posts a direct attack on me. Because even if they are making one, that is their side of the street. I also have learned that if it strikes a chord in me I need to look at the why.
That's how I work MY recovery and if it's helpful to someone else, great. If it's not, great.
My only hope is that everyone who suffers on either side of the addiction street get the help that works for them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
I can't even respond the way I would like to-as I have been officially been given a ''warning'' and could be ''removed '' from this site for giving my opinion.My opinions are taken as insults-just because I share what worked for me and hope it will work for someone else-\
Really why does it matter how? as long as they are doing something to get sober/clean.
I always thought we learned by seeing each others differences.I do anyway.
I try to give so much here--I feel sad about it really.
So I can't say......................but I am a Nurse and anyone who is an addict should see a doctor for a physical and maybe referrals--JUST MY OPINION--couldbe wrongmaybe they will remove my post again--I don't know anymore
Really why does it matter how? as long as they are doing something to get sober/clean.
I always thought we learned by seeing each others differences.I do anyway.
I try to give so much here--I feel sad about it really.
So I can't say......................but I am a Nurse and anyone who is an addict should see a doctor for a physical and maybe referrals--JUST MY OPINION--couldbe wrongmaybe they will remove my post again--I don't know anymore
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 58
Thank you for all your advice, opinions and general support.
Just to offer some more information, we fall into the category of people who can not afford the professional help for him right now. (i.e, the professional diagnosis of a dr for him) He does not have medical insurance. We got the prescription through MY doctor. I have coverage through my work and emailed my doctor for a prescription after hearing about the medication through a relative of mine and then reading it on the internet. FYI he starts his new job tomorrow.
Our plan, My plan, His plan, whatever...THE plan is the medication and AA (meetings, participation and commitment) He is very willing to do it and says he has the genuine desire himself, although I doubt that if I werent in his life he wouldnt have such an aggressive plan. It would be the plan to plan a plan to quit. like someone had mentioned.
My hope is that with my little fire under his a$$ he will begin on a sober path and then because of his OWN pride, or will, or desire, or the acknowledgement of having a better life sober, he will continue the recovery.
So about the good vs. bad idea. He finished his 11 beers, came upstairs and asked what I was up to and then listened to me read my post and some of the comments from people who replied. It killed his mood, but hey, what really could he have expected? He said he was sorry and that he was gonna make it up to me. And tomorrow would be the day.
So Saturday rolls around and we had a pretty relaxed day, hung out at home, cleaned, watched movies, typical Saturday stuff. We talked about when we could pick up the prescription and also about our finances. We are struggling financially and were waiting for my check to arrive. I joked that he should call his mom and ask for donations. She knows the situation and is always telling him to get help. To my surprise he called her and she "made a donation"
My mom and I arranged a time we could meet and I could pick up my twins. (they stay with gma one week a month and she lives almost three hours away, she meets me half way)
Sunday (mothers day) I wake up and I can hear him downstairs making breakfast with the twins. "Smile" I am so happy they are home, I miss them so much when they are gone, and they are all having a good time, I can hear them all giddy. I go downstairs and AB hands me coffee and a bagel. Happy Mothers Days all around. We were too late for church but were all dressed and ready to go somewhere. He asks where I want to go....well, the pharmacy of course. So I had the best mothers day gift of all, my AB started his pills today. He was nervous but happy. I am estatic. We then went to lunch and then window shopping the whole afternoon. He didnt complain a bit and he was caring for four little ones store after store for probably three or four hours. He is a great sport. We came home, made a comfy bed of blankets on the living room floor and cuddled watching movies as a family.
Today I had a great day.
Tomorrow I hope to see him take those pills before he heads off to work, in fact I may just ask that he make it a daily ritual. Take them first thing in the morning for routines sake, and I think that will help my trust issue with him, and it will offer each and everyday a great start.
Wish us luck please or if you believe in God (like I do) say a prayer please.
Just to offer some more information, we fall into the category of people who can not afford the professional help for him right now. (i.e, the professional diagnosis of a dr for him) He does not have medical insurance. We got the prescription through MY doctor. I have coverage through my work and emailed my doctor for a prescription after hearing about the medication through a relative of mine and then reading it on the internet. FYI he starts his new job tomorrow.
Our plan, My plan, His plan, whatever...THE plan is the medication and AA (meetings, participation and commitment) He is very willing to do it and says he has the genuine desire himself, although I doubt that if I werent in his life he wouldnt have such an aggressive plan. It would be the plan to plan a plan to quit. like someone had mentioned.
My hope is that with my little fire under his a$$ he will begin on a sober path and then because of his OWN pride, or will, or desire, or the acknowledgement of having a better life sober, he will continue the recovery.
So about the good vs. bad idea. He finished his 11 beers, came upstairs and asked what I was up to and then listened to me read my post and some of the comments from people who replied. It killed his mood, but hey, what really could he have expected? He said he was sorry and that he was gonna make it up to me. And tomorrow would be the day.
So Saturday rolls around and we had a pretty relaxed day, hung out at home, cleaned, watched movies, typical Saturday stuff. We talked about when we could pick up the prescription and also about our finances. We are struggling financially and were waiting for my check to arrive. I joked that he should call his mom and ask for donations. She knows the situation and is always telling him to get help. To my surprise he called her and she "made a donation"
My mom and I arranged a time we could meet and I could pick up my twins. (they stay with gma one week a month and she lives almost three hours away, she meets me half way)
Sunday (mothers day) I wake up and I can hear him downstairs making breakfast with the twins. "Smile" I am so happy they are home, I miss them so much when they are gone, and they are all having a good time, I can hear them all giddy. I go downstairs and AB hands me coffee and a bagel. Happy Mothers Days all around. We were too late for church but were all dressed and ready to go somewhere. He asks where I want to go....well, the pharmacy of course. So I had the best mothers day gift of all, my AB started his pills today. He was nervous but happy. I am estatic. We then went to lunch and then window shopping the whole afternoon. He didnt complain a bit and he was caring for four little ones store after store for probably three or four hours. He is a great sport. We came home, made a comfy bed of blankets on the living room floor and cuddled watching movies as a family.
Today I had a great day.
Tomorrow I hope to see him take those pills before he heads off to work, in fact I may just ask that he make it a daily ritual. Take them first thing in the morning for routines sake, and I think that will help my trust issue with him, and it will offer each and everyday a great start.
Wish us luck please or if you believe in God (like I do) say a prayer please.
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
5Stars, sounds like a great plan...A committment and a support system
is a great way....Main thing is he is doing, or having a plan to follow...
In the best of situations, Ins, etc, I would suggest seeking professional help...
Keep comming back Roni, maybe he would like to join for the alcoholism forum here, we are a lot of support, and it's free...
Best wishes, I hope he appreciates you...you are an angel..
Love and hope, Hope3
is a great way....Main thing is he is doing, or having a plan to follow...
In the best of situations, Ins, etc, I would suggest seeking professional help...
Keep comming back Roni, maybe he would like to join for the alcoholism forum here, we are a lot of support, and it's free...
Best wishes, I hope he appreciates you...you are an angel..
Love and hope, Hope3
Last edited by Morning Glory; 11-15-2008 at 12:37 PM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 58
Today he woke me before he left for work to say goodbye and give me a kiss. I wished him a good day and asked if he remembered to take his pills. He said he did and had two in his pocket for his afternoon dose.
Its going great so far. I cant help but get my hopes up.
I read a little about what a dry drunk is after someone mentioned it. Thank you. That is a real concern of mine and I had never even heard of it before. I explained it to him somewhat and we both feel its important for him to attend and participate in AA. I have always had the inclination that he has some emotional issues underneath it all and have often asked him what he trying to get away from by drinking. His father was a physically abusive alcoholic and his mom left him when he was about 10. His mother was a few years later diagnosed with a teminal illness that affects her both her brain and body. She has poor muscle control and impulsive thoughts and actions. She picked up the habit shortly after she was diagnosed and her current relationship is with another heavy drinker. Those can be some of the issues he is having hard time dealing with and I know I can not possibly help him.
I cared for my teminally ill grandma until she passed. I actually moved into her home with my four month old twins (three hours away from my husband and home) and took care of her, so I know a little about that process and my father was an abusive alcoholic just like his so I can relate to that too but our outlook is somewhat different. The things that worked for me to get through it dont necessarily do anything for him. He needs prefessional help, I know that. hopefully AA will help him with some issues for now and when we can afford it, dr professional help can help.
Its going great so far. I cant help but get my hopes up.
I read a little about what a dry drunk is after someone mentioned it. Thank you. That is a real concern of mine and I had never even heard of it before. I explained it to him somewhat and we both feel its important for him to attend and participate in AA. I have always had the inclination that he has some emotional issues underneath it all and have often asked him what he trying to get away from by drinking. His father was a physically abusive alcoholic and his mom left him when he was about 10. His mother was a few years later diagnosed with a teminal illness that affects her both her brain and body. She has poor muscle control and impulsive thoughts and actions. She picked up the habit shortly after she was diagnosed and her current relationship is with another heavy drinker. Those can be some of the issues he is having hard time dealing with and I know I can not possibly help him.
I cared for my teminally ill grandma until she passed. I actually moved into her home with my four month old twins (three hours away from my husband and home) and took care of her, so I know a little about that process and my father was an abusive alcoholic just like his so I can relate to that too but our outlook is somewhat different. The things that worked for me to get through it dont necessarily do anything for him. He needs prefessional help, I know that. hopefully AA will help him with some issues for now and when we can afford it, dr professional help can help.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Ontario
Posts: 12
Alcohol doesn't do anyone any good. It has more negative affects in families and lives then positives. Keep it up and stick to the plain, AA meetings are definitely something you should try and attend.
Thanks for sharing your story and good luck. This site is a good place to read, and it's very inspirational to anyone who has been affected by this almost never ending problem in todays society.
Thanks for sharing your story and good luck. This site is a good place to read, and it's very inspirational to anyone who has been affected by this almost never ending problem in todays society.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Working a good AA program means they will in time do a good 4th and 5th step, that sometimes does away with old problems that bother us. Usually someone has the same problems, so they can share which also helps with answers. Not alone is a gerat feeling.
Beat of luck
Caring hugs to you both
Beat of luck
Caring hugs to you both
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