Nuudawn

It just suddenly hit me. I freaking relapsed. Any of you familiar with me know I'm a recovering alcoholic..and yep, a codie. But up until this point...I don't think I thought I was as much of a codie as I was an alcoholic. I think I was just sorta vague about that admission Good Lord! And I do mean Good Lord....I think I'm a WORSE codie. Who'da thunk? Not me I assure you.

I was sober 5 months yesterday....didn't really acknowledge or celebrate that in any meaningful way cuz I was too busy wondering if my freaking exAbf was going to email me!!!!! Argh. A couple weeks ago I emailed the suffering soul (who has more addictions than I can possibly fathom) under the guise that I was just wondering how he was. Yes, I truly believed that was the reason.

But truth be told.... was I not just trying yet ANOTHER time to get the guy to love and validate me???? For crying out loud!! He is the sickest soul I know... I have never ever known such a train wreck...and I THINK I can save him? Have I learned nothing in all I've read here and posted to others. OH ya... I can talk the talk alright. My grandiose fragile sick little ego keeps trying to get this dude to freaking love me. Why? Even if he did...do I really want a drunken, drug addict and now bi-sexual maniac in my life who threatens police officer's with knives and can't even cleave to his own children? What the hell is wrong with me??

In AA we talk about the "compulsion" and "obsession" about drinking. In all honesty I've had little compulsion and obsession about boozin because my mind has been consumed by the ex's drinking, druggin and sexual escapades. The latter I recently realized cuz I was pretty much monitoring a web site I suspected he was on. Is that not sick behaviour or what? We've been split as long as I've been sober...and I'm still wondering and curious about his freaking craxy mixed up addicted life?

And ya know, just before we started exchanging emails again...I told my good friend I was thinking about it. And ya know, I even said out loud....maybe it's cuz I'm pretty much over him that something in me wants that drama back...doesn't want to let go.

The SAME DAMN THING HAPPENED when we had been split up 5 or 6 months. I was pretty much over the guy...and then I go and PHONE HIM...we get back together for awhile..and the whole damn mess starts up again. Here I go again....

Wow...light bulb!!!

Hi, my name is Tracey and I really am codependent.

prodigal

and codies beat up on themselves sooooo much. I drive myself nuts trying to reach the unattainable and unrealistic goal of "perfection" whatever the heck that is. Okay, now that you've beat up on yourself, perhaps you see that keeping him in the loop is just another tool to use in the practice of self-flagellation.

It seems like validation, but I think we codies have an ego/pride problem too that meshes well with our control issues. After all, if I want to dump a guy, that's cool but if he starts to back off or reject me - NO WAY!!! I'm in charge here - I decide when we break up! Yikes! Yet we keep going after the emotionally unavailable, dysfunctional, screwed-up addicts (who are also trying to manipulate and control us).

Three years ago, when AH still "wanted" me and would follow me around the house or act out to get my attention, I actually liked it (sick, sick, sick) because even though it was negative attention, it WAS some sort of attention. Now he just ignores me and leaves me alone. In a lot of ways, my healthy side is relieved that he no longer pesters me. But to be perfectly honest, there is that codie side of me that is miffed that HE actually is done with me.

We all slip and we are not perfect. Now that you realize he is one of your addictions, it's time to work on a program that weens you off of him just like you work a program to stay sober. So, you've had the ah-ha! moment. That's progress and with the realization comes a step in the right direction.

P.S. - I assume you are realizing you've hit bottom regarding this man .... at least I hope this is bottom. Now the only way is up.

Nuudawn

Thank you Prodigal...oh geepers...this HAS to be bottom. Bottom is exactly the word... I truly hope I've had enough slummin' in this gutter. Argh.

I love your response...thanks again.

dollydo

If it wasn't for the fact there are so many codies in the world, we wouldn't have this board, we wouldn't need it.

I agree with Prodigal, we all slip.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue to move forward.