i need to know how to love again,, i dont feel love for him at all.. just care but
 

:( but not love.. not the love that a wife feels for a husband.. more like a mom to a son..
you all may know my problems, i havent been here for awhile. havent even felt like posting, but have been reading and still trying to get help..
my husband has been an off and on addict for 29 years... would get real good for awhile, especially when he was working and felt useful.. he dabbed in it in high school, alcohol, drugs, smoking.. all of it i guess. we married at 16 and 17 and i had my firstborn son at 17 that december.. we had a turbulous first 11 years..
alcoholisism, mental abuse, verbal abuse, rape in the sense because i just said yes because i was too scared to say no when he went out every weekend.. and would submit scared not too. he could not hold his liquor.. and had seen him do damage. real damage. me and my year and 2 year old in the middle of the night would be walking at 2 - 3 am to my moms or my grandmoms.. scared that he would turn the corner any minute to see us... so we ducked in allys until we got to moms.. with out little paper sack of clothes.. we live in a very small town so the walk wasnt too long.. we had 3 kids in all, the first 2 saw the most abuse i guess. and there werent usual beatings, i always dreaded weekends though cause he would always go out with the guys and always come in awfully drunk.. he did pull some stunts like sit there in a chair hitting a baseball bat against his hand like he was going to hit me,, or throw me up against the wall while i was sitting in the chair.. he cheated on me ALL the time with hickies ... his marks i guess to let me know that he had women that was interested in me because by this time there was no sex... we stayed together for 11 years until i finally got out and moved into my moms.. of course the usual started.. the begging , the pleading, it will all get better, he will stop, never do or drink again,, yada yada yada.. i held him off from late 84 until early 87. he charmed his way right back in..

we went to a going away party for his sister cause she was going to hawaii for the army.. i was going home to pick up the kids,, it was on valentines day, and somehow he followed me.. i never knew he knew i left.. well i got a little smart alecy and he all of a sudden hit me with his fist which he had never done. and he couldnt stop for some reason.. i got up and ran into another room and he followed me and started on me again with my 3 small kids yelling at him to stop.. he never heard them.. i dont know how i did it but i was able to get up, get them all, and get outside to my car. by that time someone had called his mom which was still at the party and she came home when it was already over but he immediately went into the houes.. and i told her of course hysterically what had happened.. and instead of helping my kids , i left them with a very caring co worker that i knew would give them hugs and love and i went and stayed at a girlfriends house.. i still cant believe i left them when they needed me most.. but i did.. i didnt know what to do.. i slept there.. and got up the next day and went and got them and did my loving and hugging..... and went home.. well of course i heard from him and he ended up on my door step.. he was sober so i knew he was no threat.. cause he was a doll when he was sober.. and we went through all the apologizing like you see on tv and all that..

well he did stalk me during this time that i forgot to mention, calling me at all times of the night , yelling at me through my windows horrible names, going around the block really fast..
tried all the legal crap but men stick together.. never ended up in jail.. always left just in time. well you are not going to believe this but i let him back in my life in 87. he got a job and i had a good dental asst. job so we got back together...i thought the kids needed their dad.. so in 1987 we all were a "great big happy family"/

sorry this is so long........
 

fast forward// 1993, got osteo,,, went through hell trying to get rid of that which took forever.. he got it//// which before that he had had hepatitis a and now found out also has had B. all these health problems started cropping up.. and then in 1997 he had to have back surgery,, he was falling,, the pain was horrible. his discs were degenerative.. and all his spine was falling apart from being a migrant when little and lifting all those sacks of everything in colorado starting in 5th grade all the way until 18 years old and then all the jobs he got from then on was heavy lifting.. well after 97 he did drugs and drank .. it got better.. but then in 2000 oh my gosh... he got on methamphetamine , he actually stopped drinking because of all the pain meds he was on..

but i cannot tell you how much he spent on drugs.. since 2000. he broke us.. i have MS so i got layed off in 2001 and we wait for one check at the end of the month. well the whole point of this story is.... he is really sick,, his osteo came back in same place,, i went to california from sept until late oct of 2002 to help my daughter with her new baby. he spent all our money and developed an infection from all the dirty needles he was using..
so of course it ended up right at the same place again.. so starting in december we started the doctors.. the scans and mri;s. and all sort of other tests.. then on jan. 8th the first surgery to take out the clavicle, the sternum and the first rib all on the left side. went through hell... he tried to overdose by eating patches, duragesic 125's ;like twice... and they barely got him back the third time. his eyes were fixed and dilated the 3rd time. so they all got mad at him and treated him awful from then on.. he got a yeast infection from the grochan catheter that they put in him cause somehow it misplaced and it got up in his neck instead of his major blood vessel for the antibiotics to go in.

they released him to me and i did the ivs.. he got sicker and sicker and had to go back and be admitted again.. the yeast was all over his body and was called a super infection.. they gave him meds for awhile.. and then stopped the yeast medicine.

well we did the second surgery, i had asked the internist to check out his heart before the surgery and he pointed his finger at me and said he will do that if necessary.. well he thought it wasnt necessary.. so they did the second surgery to remove what all they had to remove... they released him to me..

he was so sick.. one night he came out and he said call 911, i did and his heart was barely going.. they transferred him to another hospital,, where he had been in for now 4 weeks.. they couldnt believe that they discharged him as sick as he was.. they are having to try alot of antibiotics cause they are all making his kidneys go crazy.. well finally today he told me that it is finally working he thinks cause his blood work is coming back better, alot better, but now it is his heart.... bacteria endocarditis.. if you look it up.,. guess what it says.. iv drug users get it.. of course.. so now he may, we arent sure.may be facing heart surgery all for the sake of drugs.. he may have given his life to drugs when he has 3 kid and 6 great grandkids that this this man hung the moon.. and you know what.. i have loved being in this house by myself.. is that mean and horrible??? i dread him coming home if they find out that his heart has cleared up.. he may have developed spots on there that they may have to work on cause if they break off, they can cause stroke or heart attack.. i dont go see him. he is up there in skilled nursing,, which is a big joke,, they never rarely check on him or keep his pain in control, i dont know how to love him again.. i dont think i have it in me any more for him and i am staying here for the grandkids.. make sure they know nana and papa are ok and they can come see us and all that ....... i am tired of that. do i deserve a life at all... i flat dont want to live with him any more.. i cant stand to know what he is doing in that bathroom... he is so sneaky and can rig up anything believe me.. he is having a heart test tomorrow and guess where i will be... here at home in my robe ,, not doing nothing.. about 2 weeks ago i had blood in my urine and didnt think much about it because it had happened last year.. but it was bright red blood and came out like i was on my period and i have no female parts..but boy that night.... all my bodily functions shut down.. no BMs, no urinating.. just burning and trying to push ,, crying.. fell asleep in the bathtub and woke up with water all over the floor..
i had to go to ER and they had to use 3 enemas to clean me out and put a catheter in me.. it was awful and very very painful... i have never had so much pain in my life.. i still havent got over the pain in my legs from that saturday.. it is bad.. i have changed my diet,, and drinking water.. they are taking all sorts of tests now.
i want to live by myself.. real bad and i know how much i do now.
most wives would be rushing up there tomorrow to make sure that their husbands heart test came out ok... and i will be sitting here. but i RESENT HIM SO SO MUCH.. HE DID THIS TO HIMSELF.. THE strain of infection that he had in his clavicle is what drug iv users get.. and the first thing it does is affect the valves of the heart.. and he is so so sick.. he made this choice.. i know that people think that this is a disease.. but i have a hard problem believing that.. i think you can say NO the first time you are offered it.. i did. if you can say no, then you wont have the addiction problem later on in life.. i mean my gosh there is enough information out there to see why not to do drugs. i know there are alot more people out there worse off than me.. their kids are on this crappy stuff and cant find their way back......
and i think of them all the time.. cause my husband was once there. and he still is.. and 46 years old.. and a papa.. i wish i could feel love... I WANT TO FEEL LOVE.. i feel nothing... i do care..
i dont want him to die.... at all....i guess we will know tomorrow if we are looking at heart surgery... i got a bill the other day and at just one hospital , 72000 dollars.. for like 4 weeks. bill collectors call every day... what a life..

well if you got to the end of this, i praise you.. i do this every now and then and vent here. i guess i use this to write my feelings..
and if anyone replies then all the more better. this was really a novel and i am sorry. i am lonely, sick, tired, confused, depressed, hurting., and just wanting to be by myself..

f anyone has any insight on how to love again.. i will listen..
i feel my heart is dead and when i do see him in the hospital,,i look at him with hate.. and resentment because what he did the from 2000 until last of 2002 has got him where he is today..
5 times i have had to call to get him revived since january..
it finally works on you... love you all... i think of you all alot. and hope you alls lives get better... i read where some have had some good luck.. and i love it..
love you all..,,,, nana

Nana,

I'm glad to see you. I think you should take this time to yourself. He is being taken care of right now and this is a good time for you to rest.

I also think that maybe you could look into another placement for him to have his health needs cared for. I think you've drained yourself to the point that you may not be able to do it anymore.

It's hard to love with an extreme burden that goes along with it. Don't feel guilty for the way you feel. Most anyone would feel the same way in your situation.

You take care of you right now. Only you.

Hugs,
MG

Nano

MG has such a way with words of wisdom, doesn't she?!?

I agree whole-heartedly,...take care of loving you and take the focus off him and his unlovable behavior and consequences. I can thoroughly understand how it would be a HUGE relief to have a day's peace from all the caretaking!!!!
It would be ever so nice to find a placement for him, wouldn't it?

(((nana)))

Nana
you have had a hard life with this man
noone would think ill of you for moving forward
for yourself, as MG said there are places that can
care for him.
Are you in recovery yourself? a 12 step program ?
nana, you need to physicaly and emotionaly do
something for yourself before anyone else !!
love
liddy

Nana,

I'm sending you loads of cyber Hugs.

What you need is plenty of tender loving care, you really can't do any more for this man. Let him go and let God and take care of you and only you.

Your husband is in Gods hands and you are powerless.
I read all your story and you do deserve some happiness in your life.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

Love Jewel

(((((Nana)))))

Lyn

Nano,

You have really been throught a lot with this relationship and I believe that the "dead heart" is a very normal outcome. Don't beat yourself up over your feelings. Let them take care of him and you start taking care of you.....and enjoy those grandkids!

You will be in my prayers......Take Care
Constant

you all are just the greatest people
 

i promise that this post wont be that long, my gosh that was a long long post..
well i will be more likely stuck with him.. i know that is horrible to say, he really has no where else to go. his parents have never been there for him.. and they sure wont take him in now. his is the only income that we are getting right now and we cant afford 2 households right now if he moved into a low rent apt now.. you know how it is some of you to live on social security benefits and my flare right now with my MS i cant work.. maybe later.. with the world situation right now , the economy i am afraid to apply for ss benefits for disability. i know from experience that you get turned down nearly the 1st 2 times, then get a lawyer, but with all the cuts in government stuff,, i am afraid it will be a long and hard fight. and right now i am not up for that.. i found out today that he probably will be out in a week or so. they will do another camera down his heart thing, a cat scan, and then take out his central line when it is time for the iv antibiotics to stop but they wont give us a day. i have been painting in his bathroom , getting all old memories and awful stuff that was in there out of there and painting some. its taking me days to do but it will be extra clean when he comes home. i am tired of smelling throw up and cigarette smoke in there.. it is a horror chamber to me. they still arent sure about his heart.. will know i guess more next week.

well i wanted to say how much I LOVE YOU ALL.. YOU ALL ARE GREAT PEOPLE.. AND I MEAN IT.. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REPLIES.. I NEEDED THEM, I WISH THINGS COULD BE DIFFERENT but they wont be until he does it again and then i am heading for my moms and then just will have to tell her the truth,, it will absolutely destory her, but it will have to be done, cause i will stay there as long as i have to. even though this house we are in is a family house and she will want him OUT of it ... and only a cop could get him out. cause he wont leave on his own. i have tried that for a year. just always i will stop, i need you, you know all that bullcrap..

well i will stop cause i could probably go on and on.. again thanks so much.. you all are great and you took the time to reply when you all are going through hell yourselves.. that is truly great people..
love nana