I did it...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
By leaving you have chosen life. Excellent. It's hard leaving but it's harder being there. I left my first husband the same way you just did with a 5 year old and a 6 month old. When I say I had no money, I mean none. I had no car.
I had exhausted the going back and going back and going back.
These beatings become episodes that we just want to go away int he light of day. We know it will happen again and as much as we want to believe he was just drunk and didn't mean it.....well, we just have to change our thinking about that.
Whatever it means when a man beats a woman, it's a sin, it's wrong.
It really doesn't matter if he's sorry, not anymore.
Who's the last adult that you hit? What kind of person would be so arrogant as to think they are entitled to beat someone weaker. Whatever he is, a part of who he has allowed himself to become is a man who hits his wife.
I tried to figure out why me, why my ex only hit me. What was it about me?
Well, I think I was the last decent thing in his life and he hated it, he hated that last accountability. They don't have the guts to just say, "go away", they drive you away. Well, at least until the light of day when they need something from you. They love you, they hate you and you just have to figure out when to step in and out. No thank you.
I was scared like you knowing he was in trouble, he'd gone too far. He had the house, the car and the job and I was istting in the shelter worrying about him? Yes, I was.
I was ultimately concerned with my husbands salvation. I knew he was hell bound. It had become like a woman trying to stop a tractor trailer with no brakes.
Within a week, I learned of the cocaine, the other women, the lies, how he laughed at me in the bars when I called.
I cried so hard it was like some primal purge. I actually moaned and rocked, my head was pounding and I lost about 40 pounds over the course of the truth.
I understand how you feel. I know you just want to go home. Don't.
I had prayed and prayed for my husband to change, I was certain that God would fix things and when things didn't change, I felt like it validated all the things my husband said about me. There must have been something I needed to change.
Well, actually God doesn't bless garbage. God was actually saying, get out of there.
I believe my husband abused his free will and he could have taken th ecourse of his life one way and he willingly went the other. Alcohol led to cocaine. Cocaine led to infidleity and there just didn't sem to be any end to the crap my husband invited into his life, including his crap friends.
He was a bottom feeder who squinted in day light. I was an opportunity because early on, I was blessed to see the man I knew he could be. I saw the good in him, I saw his potential. I saw him turn himself into a hollow vessel that just got filled with whatever garbage came along.
With each sunrise, he got a whole new chance to change things, but he never did.
I knew God would not bless my marriage, how could He?
I came to believe that God said, "enough". Then I also realized that it was my turn to live in garbage or follow God out of it. I prayed for help and it came, the thought of living a Godless life by choice was intolerable to me.
There is one thing I am certain of, God does not spend one to boost the ego of another. Beating a weaker person and getting any kind of satisfaction out it is evil.
I know it's sooooo hard but don't call him or see him. Let God have your ear for a while.
I had exhausted the going back and going back and going back.
These beatings become episodes that we just want to go away int he light of day. We know it will happen again and as much as we want to believe he was just drunk and didn't mean it.....well, we just have to change our thinking about that.
Whatever it means when a man beats a woman, it's a sin, it's wrong.
It really doesn't matter if he's sorry, not anymore.
Who's the last adult that you hit? What kind of person would be so arrogant as to think they are entitled to beat someone weaker. Whatever he is, a part of who he has allowed himself to become is a man who hits his wife.
I tried to figure out why me, why my ex only hit me. What was it about me?
Well, I think I was the last decent thing in his life and he hated it, he hated that last accountability. They don't have the guts to just say, "go away", they drive you away. Well, at least until the light of day when they need something from you. They love you, they hate you and you just have to figure out when to step in and out. No thank you.
I was scared like you knowing he was in trouble, he'd gone too far. He had the house, the car and the job and I was istting in the shelter worrying about him? Yes, I was.
I was ultimately concerned with my husbands salvation. I knew he was hell bound. It had become like a woman trying to stop a tractor trailer with no brakes.
Within a week, I learned of the cocaine, the other women, the lies, how he laughed at me in the bars when I called.
I cried so hard it was like some primal purge. I actually moaned and rocked, my head was pounding and I lost about 40 pounds over the course of the truth.
I understand how you feel. I know you just want to go home. Don't.
I had prayed and prayed for my husband to change, I was certain that God would fix things and when things didn't change, I felt like it validated all the things my husband said about me. There must have been something I needed to change.
Well, actually God doesn't bless garbage. God was actually saying, get out of there.
I believe my husband abused his free will and he could have taken th ecourse of his life one way and he willingly went the other. Alcohol led to cocaine. Cocaine led to infidleity and there just didn't sem to be any end to the crap my husband invited into his life, including his crap friends.
He was a bottom feeder who squinted in day light. I was an opportunity because early on, I was blessed to see the man I knew he could be. I saw the good in him, I saw his potential. I saw him turn himself into a hollow vessel that just got filled with whatever garbage came along.
With each sunrise, he got a whole new chance to change things, but he never did.
I knew God would not bless my marriage, how could He?
I came to believe that God said, "enough". Then I also realized that it was my turn to live in garbage or follow God out of it. I prayed for help and it came, the thought of living a Godless life by choice was intolerable to me.
There is one thing I am certain of, God does not spend one to boost the ego of another. Beating a weaker person and getting any kind of satisfaction out it is evil.
I know it's sooooo hard but don't call him or see him. Let God have your ear for a while.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I also want to encourage you to contact a women's shelter or helpline. Even if you don't want to go to a shelter, they can help you get free legal advice and tell you how to stay safe.
My prayers go out for you and I hope you will stay close to your support. This is a dangerous situation and you deserve to be safe. Please don't be afraid to tell anyone, it's not your fault, none of it is your fault. Nobody deserves to be abused. Please remember that, okay?
Hugs and Prayers
My prayers go out for you and I hope you will stay close to your support. This is a dangerous situation and you deserve to be safe. Please don't be afraid to tell anyone, it's not your fault, none of it is your fault. Nobody deserves to be abused. Please remember that, okay?
Hugs and Prayers
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Chero,
That a relief, please do not go back. If you do, it will validate his behavior, he will continue to be physical with you and it will get worse.
Don't worry about him, worry about you, he will survive, but if you go back to him, you may not.
Talk to your pastor, he can help you find a safe place to go, and I strongly urge:
No Contact with your husband, it will not help you.
This has to be "All about Chero"
Hugs,
Dolly
That a relief, please do not go back. If you do, it will validate his behavior, he will continue to be physical with you and it will get worse.
Don't worry about him, worry about you, he will survive, but if you go back to him, you may not.
Talk to your pastor, he can help you find a safe place to go, and I strongly urge:
No Contact with your husband, it will not help you.
This has to be "All about Chero"
Hugs,
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
Chero,
Today is the first day of the rest of your life...Life without an alcoholic! Stay strong. Stay busy. Get a restraining order if necessary.
There was a show on Oprah this week about domestic abuse and how a woman finally left with a "plan" that her boss and a special unit w/in the police station for family violence helped her to execute. She pressed charges against her husband. He was convicted and sentenced to 36 years in prison!
As loved ones of alcoholics, we often minimize the insanity, and blatant seriousness, of our situations. We become desensitized to our circumstances. It has become our "norm" in living with an alcoholic. Your situation is very serious Chero. Don't go back. Don't ever go back. Live your life to be happy and away from this man. Phycial abuse is beyond a deal-breaker. I know your heart hurts right now and your self-esteem (what is left) is bruised and broken. I don't know you. I really don't know much about you at all. But I DO know that you deserve better than this!
Today is the first day of the rest of your life...Life without an alcoholic! Stay strong. Stay busy. Get a restraining order if necessary.
There was a show on Oprah this week about domestic abuse and how a woman finally left with a "plan" that her boss and a special unit w/in the police station for family violence helped her to execute. She pressed charges against her husband. He was convicted and sentenced to 36 years in prison!
As loved ones of alcoholics, we often minimize the insanity, and blatant seriousness, of our situations. We become desensitized to our circumstances. It has become our "norm" in living with an alcoholic. Your situation is very serious Chero. Don't go back. Don't ever go back. Live your life to be happy and away from this man. Phycial abuse is beyond a deal-breaker. I know your heart hurts right now and your self-esteem (what is left) is bruised and broken. I don't know you. I really don't know much about you at all. But I DO know that you deserve better than this!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am glad you are out of there. do not go back.it will not get better ,only worse.you are worth saving & only you can do it.make yourself some goals & just stay safe. you are the most important person.still praying for you.hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Yaaaaaa,,,Chero!!!!
It is difficult in the begining to let go of the codie behaviour. The explosion of feelings that go through you in the initial stages. The shock of having actually taken the step. Your mind reels with what has happened and what will happen. Projection all over the place, cause thats what you've become accustomed too.
I have found the toughest part for me has been looking into MY core and finding the answer to what do I want. its only been a short while since I left my A, and for now, when asked the question, I think, I want my A. And the life we were SUPPOSED to have. Stops me dead in my tracks when I realize, the key word there is SUPPOSED. It was a my fantasy. Pure and simple. The reality was, as long as I was in this dysfuncional relationship, I was doomed to NEVER have what I'm SUPPOSED to have.
Use your support systems. Can be difficult as we codies tend to shy away from letting others do for US. After all, we've been taking care of EVERYTHING by ourselves for so long. For me, SR, al anon, the best friends anyone could ask for and family is what is seeing me through, "in the day".
You done good girl,,,
Peace
It is difficult in the begining to let go of the codie behaviour. The explosion of feelings that go through you in the initial stages. The shock of having actually taken the step. Your mind reels with what has happened and what will happen. Projection all over the place, cause thats what you've become accustomed too.
I have found the toughest part for me has been looking into MY core and finding the answer to what do I want. its only been a short while since I left my A, and for now, when asked the question, I think, I want my A. And the life we were SUPPOSED to have. Stops me dead in my tracks when I realize, the key word there is SUPPOSED. It was a my fantasy. Pure and simple. The reality was, as long as I was in this dysfuncional relationship, I was doomed to NEVER have what I'm SUPPOSED to have.
Use your support systems. Can be difficult as we codies tend to shy away from letting others do for US. After all, we've been taking care of EVERYTHING by ourselves for so long. For me, SR, al anon, the best friends anyone could ask for and family is what is seeing me through, "in the day".
You done good girl,,,
Peace
I can only change myself.
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Wisconeeeeeeeee
Posts: 61
I thought I'd throw in my .02 cents worth.
Chero,
I am happy to hear that you left and I'm sure that has put a lot of stress on yourself. But I'd like to see you do more than just leave. I know it will take a lot of energy to do more but I think it's important that you do.
I'm a little concerned that your concern was for how he felt or looked when you left. Your concern isn't on yourself.
This man beat you. He doesn't deserve your concern. Physically abusing another person is never, NEVER acceptable. He needs to be reported. He needs to suffer consequences. Otherwise he will never get the help he needs and he will move on to find someone else to beat.
You need to get a restraining order and you need to seek the help that a battered woman's shelter and the police department can provide. I know this is hard for a person to do when they are so close to them but trust me it's for the good of everyone. You aren't violating any rules of conduct if you do this. You won't be looked down for protecting yourself and possibly others who come in contact with him.
You need to seek the help of others because this is too much for one person to try to do on their own. Please do what you need to to protect yourself. Get others to help in doing that.
Good luck and stay safe.
Chero,
I am happy to hear that you left and I'm sure that has put a lot of stress on yourself. But I'd like to see you do more than just leave. I know it will take a lot of energy to do more but I think it's important that you do.
I'm a little concerned that your concern was for how he felt or looked when you left. Your concern isn't on yourself.
This man beat you. He doesn't deserve your concern. Physically abusing another person is never, NEVER acceptable. He needs to be reported. He needs to suffer consequences. Otherwise he will never get the help he needs and he will move on to find someone else to beat.
You need to get a restraining order and you need to seek the help that a battered woman's shelter and the police department can provide. I know this is hard for a person to do when they are so close to them but trust me it's for the good of everyone. You aren't violating any rules of conduct if you do this. You won't be looked down for protecting yourself and possibly others who come in contact with him.
You need to seek the help of others because this is too much for one person to try to do on their own. Please do what you need to to protect yourself. Get others to help in doing that.
Good luck and stay safe.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
Chero, you've done the best thing for yourself! You've chosen a life that is filled with hope. Your AH will do the same if he wants to. But right now, just keep taking good care of yourself. You're in my prayers....
full of hope
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
I was doing a lot better last night than I am this morning. I've cried all morning.
I don't want to go back to him. I don't. I don't want to see him. I don't want anything from him. I just want to be left alone by him.
I'm at work now and everyone will be coming in a few minutes. I've got to STOP CRYING!!
I keep looking out the window for him to show up. I'm so afraid. I know I'll have to tell my boss what is going on.
I wish today was over.
I don't want to go back to him. I don't. I don't want to see him. I don't want anything from him. I just want to be left alone by him.
I'm at work now and everyone will be coming in a few minutes. I've got to STOP CRYING!!
I keep looking out the window for him to show up. I'm so afraid. I know I'll have to tell my boss what is going on.
I wish today was over.
Practicing the lion's roar
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 291
(((chero))) hang in there, sweetie! And if you want to cry, go ahead and cry! Let it out. Nobody will think badly of you. You certainly have every reason to pour your heart out.
Are you sure you absolutely have to be at work today? Can you take a personal day to just take care of yourself?
Are you sure you absolutely have to be at work today? Can you take a personal day to just take care of yourself?
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
you getting any counseling, chero? i was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic and i found many resources and groups through my local women's shelter.
please get a restraining order. and let folks know what is happening. you need to protect yourself and start working on your recovery now.
i'm really proud of you. i understand from first hand experience how hard this is right now for you. but you can recover. it is possible.
blessings, k
please get a restraining order. and let folks know what is happening. you need to protect yourself and start working on your recovery now.
i'm really proud of you. i understand from first hand experience how hard this is right now for you. but you can recover. it is possible.
blessings, k
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Its hard to work when your such a mess. But beleive it or not, your in the right place. Healthy distraction is in order.
Don't overwhelm yourself. Take it one breath at a time if need be. Make your decisions when they feel right. Go with your gut. But in all the steps you take, DO NOT take a step back and go to him. If he shows up at your work, empower yourself once again and call the police. I recently did it. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life. And I would do it again. The first step is ALWAYS the hardest.
We'll be here today Chero. Checking in and holding you up when you need it,,
Peace
Don't overwhelm yourself. Take it one breath at a time if need be. Make your decisions when they feel right. Go with your gut. But in all the steps you take, DO NOT take a step back and go to him. If he shows up at your work, empower yourself once again and call the police. I recently did it. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life. And I would do it again. The first step is ALWAYS the hardest.
We'll be here today Chero. Checking in and holding you up when you need it,,
Peace
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In the mountain air
Posts: 1,345
((((chero))))
I'm glad you finally left, too - although it's hard to go, imagine what lies ahead!
Make sure you take every precaution to keep yourself safe. There are a lot of good suggestions in this thread to do exactly that. I've been in the same position you are, and I promise, it WILL get better from here.
I'm glad you finally left, too - although it's hard to go, imagine what lies ahead!
Make sure you take every precaution to keep yourself safe. There are a lot of good suggestions in this thread to do exactly that. I've been in the same position you are, and I promise, it WILL get better from here.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Good for you for leaving, Chero!!
Perhaps you're crying because of relief? I know that was the only reason I shed a tear straight after I made the decision to leave my ex.
Counselling would be a great idea. I think we underestimate the lasting effects that this kind of situation can have.
Perhaps you're crying because of relief? I know that was the only reason I shed a tear straight after I made the decision to leave my ex.
Counselling would be a great idea. I think we underestimate the lasting effects that this kind of situation can have.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Chero:
So happy to hear that you took a leap of faith and wiped your slate clean yesterday. Now you can fill it with anything you desire. I hope you can learn to stop focusing on what your ex is doing and begin to focus on filling the chalkboard of your life with things that bring you joy. Here's a fresh piece of chalk for you--in a lovely lavender color--to mark your new beginning.
May I suggest that for your first entry you praise The Lord for setting you free?
So happy to hear that you took a leap of faith and wiped your slate clean yesterday. Now you can fill it with anything you desire. I hope you can learn to stop focusing on what your ex is doing and begin to focus on filling the chalkboard of your life with things that bring you joy. Here's a fresh piece of chalk for you--in a lovely lavender color--to mark your new beginning.
May I suggest that for your first entry you praise The Lord for setting you free?
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