patanna235

I love you and I'm so afraid that you are slowly dying.As you leave me little by little each week, each month, I struggle with acceptance. I try to prepare for when you may be gone all together.I try to prepare for the loneliness. As alcohol drags you away from this world, I have no choice but to watch you go. Sometimes even though you are in the same room with me, you are lost in another world known only by the alcoholic. In the past few years you have given me the chance to experience loneliness and the pain that comes with it.I think everything you have put me through will make your death less agonizing for me. There were so many nights I could not bear the pain of your abandonment. The loneliness was so painful. There are a lot more sorrows I'd like you to be aware of but what I have wrote here is enough. When others ask me....Why do you stay with him?"......I answer......I truly love him and until I'm ready to be alone.....................

Gabe

feelings with words. Very good job. I have to ask you about your last sentence though..."until I'm ready to be alone". Aren't you feeling alone already?
This is my opinion, so take it or leave it. But I would rather feel alone when I'm alone, than to feel alone when I'm in the same room with someone.
Part of my continuing recovery is the idea that I would rather be on my own, than to live with someone who constantly brings me down, belittles me, and causes me stress every single day. I have FINALLY come to the realization that I deserve a better life than that.
My two cents, for what it's worth.
Peace,
Gabe

MystyDreamer

Silence
How crystal clear you are.
Fragile in appearance,
Yet you overwhelm me,
Frighten me
With your unrelenting stare.
Through the starkness of
Unasked questions,
The dismal echoing,
Reverberating stillness of
The emptiness you possess.
I cry out to you
In my unheard voice.
The muffled sobs of
An anguished heart, and
Again my only comfort is
Silence.

It was shortly after I wrote this that I realized I'd made my decision to let go. Perhaps some people are stronger or more able to detach and remain in a relationship, but for me I felt as tho I was dieing inside more and more each day.

Summer

I, too, feel alone and I live with an alcoholic. I'm not sure why I stay. Hanging onto hope I guess. He takes one step forward than nothing. It's the sober, friendly, loving, hard working person that I miss and I don't see that person as often anymore. Keeping busy, going to alanon, these message boards and remembering to keep the focus on myself makes it easier and easier as time goes on. I think I'll know when the time is right to walk away. But for now I'm still here.
Summer.

D MOM

It sounds like the poem you wrote came from a lot of pain. It was beautiful and really touched me. I am so happy that you were able to get through the pain and come out a stronger happier person.

MystyDreamer

Thanks DMom,
Ironically the pain we all go thru, living and dealing with the A's in our lives, brought back to me the first sliver of self asteem. Silence was the first poem I had published, putting me back into the writing I had neglected all thru my marriage. When I recieved a letter from the publishing company I was ecstatic and utterly crushed when my newly sober hubby only commented "That's nice, but it's not like you're gonna make money off it." But I recognized the comment for what it was, he was scared because for the first time in our 13 year relationship the focus was off him. So he felt a need to whip me back into submission and back into the dirt where I was supposed to be worshipping at his feet. Only problem was I didn't buy into his line of BS anymore, thru my program I had gained the strength not only to see thru him, but to stand up to him. To calmly and clearly tell him that I was disappointed in the fact he couldn't be happy for me without sabotaging me in the next breath. I also came to realize he wasn't the "shining knight buried in there somewhere". A fantasy I clutched at and repeated to myself to convince me to stay a little longer, give him time, forgive him countless times, go thru innumerable counseling sessions to try and work out the problems in our marriage. Eventually the blinders came off and I looked at the situation clearly. There was no way to change him, he was the way he was and if I couldn't accept it I had to make a change. Some say I made a very drastic change but I knew I needed a lot of space to be able to get healthy, I had left him several times only to let his manipulation and mind games lead me back. In september of last year I moved myself and our three kids, ages at the time, 12, 9 and 11 months from Alberta to Ontario, where I was from originally, over 2000 miles away. It was scarey, still gets scarey, if someone would have told me even 2 years ago that I would be living here, raising my kids by myself I would have told them they were nuts, I'm not that strong. You know what? I AM that strong, every single one of us IS that strong. We go thru things that anyone else that hasn't been in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict couldn't begin to imagine... and WE'RE STILL STANDING. How amazing is that??? So to all of you, wether still with, undecided or on your own, I applaude you all. You are all incredibly courageous, uniquely beautiful, amazingly strong survivors of a horrible disease that ravages and eats at everyone touched by it.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((EVERYONE)))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm proud to be part of SR and most of all touched to be included in what you've all been thru and shared here.

Mysty

Sarah2003

Mysty,

I cried after reading your last post. They weren't tears of saddness, but tears of recognition and hope. We are all strong.

Thanks for bringing clarity to me this morning.

Sarah