please help with options

Old 05-09-2007, 03:41 PM
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please help with options

I'm at a crossroads. I realize that if I let it happen, my life will play out the same old pattern as if on repeat. AH will drink, I will worry, he will stop and find his way back into my home, be good for a while, relapse, I will kick him out, he will binge and then stop and find his way into my home.......It is almost comical now that I have kicked him out three different times from three different places I lived in. I mean, come on, am I going to do this forever? Sure looks that way.

I must find other options. I can't go that route again. I let him in waaaaaay too soon and then get disappointed when he relapses. How about maintaining separate residences for one year? We practically live separate lives as it is, have no joint bills, I bought my own condo this year. I am really beginning to feel stupid for kicking him out all the time.

Also, after six months, doesn't a person make a conscious choice to drink?
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Old 05-09-2007, 04:09 PM
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Originally Posted by an'ka View Post
Also, after six months, doesn't a person make a conscious choice to drink?
I came to realize that as long as I continued to ask questions like this it kept the focus on the wrong person - the drinker - and thus gave him all control over my life.

It all comes down to: what do I want for MY life?
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Old 05-09-2007, 04:25 PM
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Also, after six months, doesn't a person make a conscious choice to drink?
I don't believe so. It took years for the alcoholism to progress, can you honestly expect someone to be 'well' in 6 months?

Recovery is a long process, I believe the last time, I suggested to you that you listen to his ONGOING ACTIONS not his words. His actions will show how 'sincere' he is about recovery.

You have your own condo. With his history, why would you even consider having a possible life with this man until he has a few years of CONTINUOUS SOBRIETY under his belt. A sobriety that is showing his progress, his acceptance of his responsibilities, his working whatever program he chooses to help him.

Remember it is called AlcoholISM I=I S=Self and M=Me. Maybe, just maybe it is time to take the focus off of him (he obviously contributes nothing to your life but chaos) and put it back on you and your child.

I understand you 'love him.' I understand you would love for your child to have a father........................................but that does not seem possible in the foreseeable future. Why do you feel it necessary to keep this pain going. How about going to some Alanon meetings. How about reading Codependent No More? How about reading Under The Influence.

As to his drinking being a 'conscious choice.' I doubt it. Let's face it, that has been his solution for years to any problem, stress, or upheaval in his life. Of course, he like any good alkie will go for what he/she knows. It took me a LONG time to learn different ways of dealing with: stress, joy, loss of job, getting a new job, loss of a loved one, loss of a pet, etc. I ran to AA meetings. I was miserable. I hung on for dear life.

You say you are at a crossroads, well so is the alkie. Only an alcoholic can stand at a crossroads where one road leads to recovery, a better life and less misery, and the other road leads further into hell, and the alkie will say "LET ME THINK ABOUT IT."

I don't think you have to think about it, I think you want peace and serenity for you and your child. You know what you need to do for you and your child. We know how hard it is. But, please remember, just because you separate now, does not mean that somewhere down the road, he may actually find recovery and you may once again be a family.

Remember, you will not be closing the door on this, you are just putting up the 'Baby Gate' that says Whoa.......................not until your actions show you are in recovery.

Hope the above didn't muddy the waters further for you.

Love and hugs,
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Old 05-09-2007, 04:37 PM
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Have to agree with Laurie on this one hon....

Nothing changes till something changes and it sounds to me like it is your choices that would have to change. That also can be easy on your child going back and forth like that.

It helped me when they told me to get out of my Alcoholics way and let him take responsibility.... Put the focus back on yourself and child.
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Old 05-09-2007, 04:48 PM
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I too must agree with Laurie.

Please put the focus totally on you and your child.

If he can find true recovery and prove that to you, then there may be a chance.

A year or two is only a blink of the eye in ones life. Put the ball in his court and see what he does. Let his actions do all the talking.

My Best.
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Old 05-09-2007, 06:22 PM
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Thanks, you guys, for your brutal honesty. You know, my rational mind knows that six months is nothing, but my emotional mind, I guess, thought that six months was a great accomplishment. I thought that things were finally working out. It's true, though, about the selfish nature of the disease--he made $11K on his job during the last four months, but did not pay once for childcare or anything other than toys here and there. And I am the type of person who thinks that a grown up should not be asked to pay for obvious expenses, like mortgage, childcare, etc--they should offer. A man is a provider, right? Now, of course, all bets are off again. Oh, when will I learn?
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Old 05-09-2007, 07:05 PM
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(((Hugs to you)))
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Old 05-09-2007, 09:10 PM
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My (now ex) and I had a big blow up in Jan. of 2004. It was the beginning of the end for us. But you know - from January to August (7 months), I am not aware of any time that he drank. He didn't go to AA or attend a treatment facility but he seemed really sincere in his feelings and his efforts to quit and get his life back together. However, in August when he did drink - he also encouraged my (then 15 year old son) to drink as well. They were out of state and he never thought I'd know. Later, he then convinced and guilted my son into lying to me (as son told me what happened) and had him try to tell me that he made it up and hadn't drank at all.

So, not only did my xah not drink for 7 months - he then went on to drink, encouraged our teenage son to drink, then manipulated my son into taking blame for lying about the truth.

You see, he only got better when he was working hard to get something (his family back) but when push came to shove - he was not only the same person he'd always been, but maybe even got a little worse as that was the beginning of putting our kid's in some rough spots.

Definately work on you - that's the only person you have control over.
Definately keep the focus on your life and what it is that you want.
And remember that trust is earned - and that takes time.
And time is the only real way in which a person can prove themselves and earn that trust back.

Just my thoughts.
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Old 05-09-2007, 11:17 PM
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Old 05-10-2007, 05:33 AM
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Laurie hit the nail on the head hun....and she has such a kind way of doing so...she speaks the truth tho...
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Old 05-10-2007, 09:40 AM
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The only conscious choice I see is yours.
Do you want to live like this?

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Old 05-10-2007, 10:27 AM
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Ditto Laurie nailed it!

Everything dead on! My XAB and I took the merry-go-round ride for awhile too-even put the "baby gate up" it did not work in my case-he was not better in 6 months, 9 months or even a year! He relapsed more than I can count with my fingers! It was time for me to jump off the ride and put up the brick wall-

(((hugs))) An'ka focus on you and your child-nothing like the laughter of a child I would rather hear that than "quaking quaking" of an A
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Old 05-10-2007, 10:49 AM
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Yes, the merry go round keeps turning...I've always been his back up system, but who do I have to turn to in times of stress or need? No one. Why should I always be the "man" in the relationship, the provider, the rock, the strong shoulder to cry on? I would like a card or a note of appreciation on Mother's Day, but will I get it? The only "gift" I've gotten since our daughter was born is a binging husband. I'd much sooner get a phone call from my brother in law than my loving spouse!

He said his bank card stopped working yesterday and he is out of money with no place to stay. He is wondering if I'd "take him back". Seriously.
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Old 05-10-2007, 11:43 AM
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Merry go round, roller coaster, doesn't matter its all a hell of a ride!!!

I'm in the same boat. I need you, can we talk please, I know if you'll at least speak to me, we can work it out, yadda, yadda, yadda,,

Its so damn hard STAYING strong when you LOVE this person

I have the same resentments. I'm the one who freakin kept it together. Made all the changes, protected and supported his sorry ass. Now, he's left ot his own devices and ruining EVERYTHING I worked so hard for.

Geea, just writing it makes me see how messed up that is,,,

An'ka, this is my honest ot god opinion,,,I would do this to my A right now,,,

Let him sleep on the street.

Stick to your guns

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Old 05-10-2007, 11:48 AM
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When I don't change what I'm doing, why on earth do I keep expecting other people to change? When that brick finally made contact with my brain I got it - it's all about my choices.
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