This is tooooooo much!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
This is tooooooo much!
My A and I have been married for 20 years. No attention, no interest in me....except for sex.....until we separated three months ago. Now is calls me six or seven times a day, sends flowers to my office, tells me how beautiful I am and how much he truely loves me. He sends me cards via snail mail every other day and e-cards daily. He tells me he's changed and it's different this time, and that he will end all his deviant sexual behavior etc.
I'm seeing a Christian counselor who also specializes in alcoholism. He tells me that my husband is doing all of this to relieve HIS pain. After years of constant crisis, I finally said enough and NOW he realizes he needs to change and that he truely loves me and wants me back. He is so afraid of losing me.
He's been sober for almost three months, and his mood has been erratic, putting it mildly. From sad, remorseful, sobbing to angry and controlling to bizarre happiness and kissing my a**. He was actually happy and appropriate with me for three days in a row, except for the usual deluge of phone calls. This morning he phoned and broke down crying, telling me how fearful he is to lose me and how much he loves me. Then he sobs and cannot control himself. Two hours later he calls, happy again, to tell me he booked a weekend trip for us in San Fran! This is too much for me right now! I have no intention of going.
I know I need to focus on myself, and I'm working on setting boundaries but sometimes I think it would be easier to cave in and go back to the dyfunctional life we had. Then I think that this is just all about his controlling behavior to get what he wants, when he wants it. SCREAM! Ii'm exhausted and i feel so weak)
S
I'm seeing a Christian counselor who also specializes in alcoholism. He tells me that my husband is doing all of this to relieve HIS pain. After years of constant crisis, I finally said enough and NOW he realizes he needs to change and that he truely loves me and wants me back. He is so afraid of losing me.
He's been sober for almost three months, and his mood has been erratic, putting it mildly. From sad, remorseful, sobbing to angry and controlling to bizarre happiness and kissing my a**. He was actually happy and appropriate with me for three days in a row, except for the usual deluge of phone calls. This morning he phoned and broke down crying, telling me how fearful he is to lose me and how much he loves me. Then he sobs and cannot control himself. Two hours later he calls, happy again, to tell me he booked a weekend trip for us in San Fran! This is too much for me right now! I have no intention of going.
I know I need to focus on myself, and I'm working on setting boundaries but sometimes I think it would be easier to cave in and go back to the dyfunctional life we had. Then I think that this is just all about his controlling behavior to get what he wants, when he wants it. SCREAM! Ii'm exhausted and i feel so weak)
S
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
(((sarah)))
your not weak ! You are strong, he seems to be counting on
how you used to be. Stand your ground, your husband sounds
like maybe he needs a mental evaluation. very erratic behavior going on here ! I understand just getting sober may not do away with other characteristics. I am in alanon and came in quite crazy and even though i am better, there are things to change in myself that don't happen over night.
Keep on taking care of yourself , meetings, readings, calling on your Higher Power. This is now about what you want or don't.
God Bless you
liddy
your not weak ! You are strong, he seems to be counting on
how you used to be. Stand your ground, your husband sounds
like maybe he needs a mental evaluation. very erratic behavior going on here ! I understand just getting sober may not do away with other characteristics. I am in alanon and came in quite crazy and even though i am better, there are things to change in myself that don't happen over night.
Keep on taking care of yourself , meetings, readings, calling on your Higher Power. This is now about what you want or don't.
God Bless you
liddy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Hi Sarah,
I agree with the Christian counselor, that he is trying to relieve his pain by getting back IN CONTROL of you. Perhaps you could change your phone number and email account so that you reduce your exposure to him. You are strong, and you are making changes to your life. Please give yourself more time to be sure if you want to return to your husband. This return should be on your schedule not on his. Hang tough and don't give in to his pressure.
Take care of YOU!
I agree with the Christian counselor, that he is trying to relieve his pain by getting back IN CONTROL of you. Perhaps you could change your phone number and email account so that you reduce your exposure to him. You are strong, and you are making changes to your life. Please give yourself more time to be sure if you want to return to your husband. This return should be on your schedule not on his. Hang tough and don't give in to his pressure.
Take care of YOU!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sarah
If he means what he says, then he should agree to be patient and knock off the manipulating behavour and behave like a responsible adult.
You deserve some peace of mind and a chance to heal without him trying to control you. I would suggest either cutting all contact, or setting a boundary and telling him he can call you once every couple of days...or whatever works for you. This will let you know if he is even capable of respecting YOUR boundaries, or if his self-will comes before anyone else.
I'm sending hugs and encouragement to keep your focus on you. You are worth it.
If he means what he says, then he should agree to be patient and knock off the manipulating behavour and behave like a responsible adult.
You deserve some peace of mind and a chance to heal without him trying to control you. I would suggest either cutting all contact, or setting a boundary and telling him he can call you once every couple of days...or whatever works for you. This will let you know if he is even capable of respecting YOUR boundaries, or if his self-will comes before anyone else.
I'm sending hugs and encouragement to keep your focus on you. You are worth it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
Liddy, Ann, Rose,
Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. I had to laugh at Liddy's remard about AH needing a mental evaluation!
About six weeks into our separation, which was six weeks ago, he was having suicidal thoughts and told me that he was deep in the hells of fire and could not handle the pain anymore. I felt responsible....that my request for a separation was doing this to him. I freaked out and took him to the hospital and had expected them to keep him there, at least for a few days. What's funny is that he told the admitting nurse that he was so depressed, and he sobbed and felt like ending "it." When the social worker came to talk to him, I left the room. When they were finished, they brought me back in and AH told me that he's going home. I talked to the social worker, who informed me that he had stated that he was not going to kill himself and that it is an "affront to God" and even though he feels like it, he would never do it. So they're just letting him go.
I raised heck, (which I know I'm not supposed to do, but I wanted him safely away from ME) and the social worker brought in a pyschiatrist to talk to him. End result, pysch recemmended anti-depressants and an overnight stay in the hospital for evaluation. AH agreed to this. Relieved, I went to his car to pick up his AA books for him. When I came back to the little eval room he was in, he informed me that he wasn't going to stay and that his AA sponser was picking him up.
You know....that only happened six short weeks ago, and I had forgotten it until Liddy mentioned the mental health eval! HA!
I've had several revelations about myself this week. Some were painful, some were surprising. My need for approval from my AH and my need to please him is so great that I 've put him on a pedestal all these years. Tough to break, but I'm beginning to make some progress!
Glad I found SR. I'm learning so much from all of you......
Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. I had to laugh at Liddy's remard about AH needing a mental evaluation!
About six weeks into our separation, which was six weeks ago, he was having suicidal thoughts and told me that he was deep in the hells of fire and could not handle the pain anymore. I felt responsible....that my request for a separation was doing this to him. I freaked out and took him to the hospital and had expected them to keep him there, at least for a few days. What's funny is that he told the admitting nurse that he was so depressed, and he sobbed and felt like ending "it." When the social worker came to talk to him, I left the room. When they were finished, they brought me back in and AH told me that he's going home. I talked to the social worker, who informed me that he had stated that he was not going to kill himself and that it is an "affront to God" and even though he feels like it, he would never do it. So they're just letting him go.
I raised heck, (which I know I'm not supposed to do, but I wanted him safely away from ME) and the social worker brought in a pyschiatrist to talk to him. End result, pysch recemmended anti-depressants and an overnight stay in the hospital for evaluation. AH agreed to this. Relieved, I went to his car to pick up his AA books for him. When I came back to the little eval room he was in, he informed me that he wasn't going to stay and that his AA sponser was picking him up.
You know....that only happened six short weeks ago, and I had forgotten it until Liddy mentioned the mental health eval! HA!
I've had several revelations about myself this week. Some were painful, some were surprising. My need for approval from my AH and my need to please him is so great that I 've put him on a pedestal all these years. Tough to break, but I'm beginning to make some progress!
Glad I found SR. I'm learning so much from all of you......
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Sarah2003
My heart goes out to you...
You comment about putting someone on a pedestal really hit home for me...
I put my spouse there for so very long too.
Then my sponsor in Al-Anon told me to picture him sitting on the loo just like everyone else does....That was so funny to me that I still crack-up even writting about it.....
Hope that brings a smile...I have learned to laugh about the very things I used to cry about since coming to Al-Anon...
Consider yourself hugged.
You comment about putting someone on a pedestal really hit home for me...
I put my spouse there for so very long too.
Then my sponsor in Al-Anon told me to picture him sitting on the loo just like everyone else does....That was so funny to me that I still crack-up even writting about it.....
Hope that brings a smile...I have learned to laugh about the very things I used to cry about since coming to Al-Anon...
Consider yourself hugged.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: North Vancouver, British Columbia
Posts: 1,714
Hi Sally - it can be an awfully rude awakening for us and them when we finally kick them off that pedestal. It can feel overwhelming sometimes and the perspective of everything changes. Sounds like you're doing really good, though!
Ann's suggestion regarding the boundary is excellent - to set a very logical and appropriate boundary and see if he can respect it.
Hang in there!
Daffodil...
Love and hugs.
Ann's suggestion regarding the boundary is excellent - to set a very logical and appropriate boundary and see if he can respect it.
Hang in there!
Daffodil...
Love and hugs.
a work in progress
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Cobourg, Ontario, Canada
Posts: 54
((((((((((((((((Sarah))))))))))))))
Hang in there gal, you're doing great! Isn't it funny how when we knock them off that pedestal we start to see the warts? We start to see their behaviours for what they are, childish attempts that run the extremes of emotion to make us "listen" to them again. I see a lot of similarities in your post to my own disfunctional life. Not only was my ex an alcoholic, he was also a sex addict and in my pathetic attempts to please him at all cost I let myself be abused in too many ways to list. He taught me early in our relationship that NO was something I was not allowed to say to him. He violated me and I slapped him (18 yrs old and 4 months pregnant) he returned a stinging slap across my face and very coldly and concisely thru clenched teeth said "I... hope... we... will.... NOT... be.... repeating.... this.... again" I will never forget the words nor the dead cold look in his eyes for the rest of my days. Not once after that did I ever raise a hand to him, nor him to me, all I had to do was see the look return to his eyes and I went numb. I never realized this was mental abuse he'd inflicted on me, or that it was just as bad as physical abuse. I had no scars to show, no marks to point to and say "See... this is what the man is like behind the closed doors, WHY can't anyone understand or believe me????" My family thought I was nuts when I finally started coming to my senses years later and begin to speak about what our private life was like. They only saw him on holiday occasions, he was happy, always half wasted (well it's a holiday after all), touchy feely, so doting towards me, makes a pile of money, lets me stay at home and raise the kids (MAKES me stay at home, he was completely paranoid that I might make my own money and not be dependant), there was just no way he could be as I said he was. Everyone was so convinced that he was so perfect I started doubting myself and let myself be sucked back under again. When I was firmly back under his thumb he even had the nerve to gloat about how much MY family loves HIM more then they love ME. Wow... how nice... once again he has demonstrated that he has everyone wrapped around his finger and I have no one to turn to. Now I thank God every day that I had that little spark left in me to give up on my "family" and find a new place of support, people that understood and had/were/are going thru the same things I was. Alanon is a life saver and the people here are treasures one and all. When no one else understands,there is always some one at a meeting or here at SR that may have gone thru what you're going thru right now or will be there with an ear to listen and a hug to help comfort. This is more of a family atmosphere then I've ever known and it helps me beyond belief.
Sarah please post here as often as you need, vent all you want, yell, scream, kick your feet. We're here for you, you're not alone, God Bless you and keep coming back,
Mysty
Hang in there gal, you're doing great! Isn't it funny how when we knock them off that pedestal we start to see the warts? We start to see their behaviours for what they are, childish attempts that run the extremes of emotion to make us "listen" to them again. I see a lot of similarities in your post to my own disfunctional life. Not only was my ex an alcoholic, he was also a sex addict and in my pathetic attempts to please him at all cost I let myself be abused in too many ways to list. He taught me early in our relationship that NO was something I was not allowed to say to him. He violated me and I slapped him (18 yrs old and 4 months pregnant) he returned a stinging slap across my face and very coldly and concisely thru clenched teeth said "I... hope... we... will.... NOT... be.... repeating.... this.... again" I will never forget the words nor the dead cold look in his eyes for the rest of my days. Not once after that did I ever raise a hand to him, nor him to me, all I had to do was see the look return to his eyes and I went numb. I never realized this was mental abuse he'd inflicted on me, or that it was just as bad as physical abuse. I had no scars to show, no marks to point to and say "See... this is what the man is like behind the closed doors, WHY can't anyone understand or believe me????" My family thought I was nuts when I finally started coming to my senses years later and begin to speak about what our private life was like. They only saw him on holiday occasions, he was happy, always half wasted (well it's a holiday after all), touchy feely, so doting towards me, makes a pile of money, lets me stay at home and raise the kids (MAKES me stay at home, he was completely paranoid that I might make my own money and not be dependant), there was just no way he could be as I said he was. Everyone was so convinced that he was so perfect I started doubting myself and let myself be sucked back under again. When I was firmly back under his thumb he even had the nerve to gloat about how much MY family loves HIM more then they love ME. Wow... how nice... once again he has demonstrated that he has everyone wrapped around his finger and I have no one to turn to. Now I thank God every day that I had that little spark left in me to give up on my "family" and find a new place of support, people that understood and had/were/are going thru the same things I was. Alanon is a life saver and the people here are treasures one and all. When no one else understands,there is always some one at a meeting or here at SR that may have gone thru what you're going thru right now or will be there with an ear to listen and a hug to help comfort. This is more of a family atmosphere then I've ever known and it helps me beyond belief.
Sarah please post here as often as you need, vent all you want, yell, scream, kick your feet. We're here for you, you're not alone, God Bless you and keep coming back,
Mysty
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
I cannot tell you all how wonderful it is to be getting this encouragement and support from you all who have the same story to tell. It's very comforting.
Mysty.....it sounds like we were married to the same man! Your experiences and family relationships are very similar to mine. I am, however, very fortunate that my family is supporting me after I've slowly began to share some experiences and incidents. But they're going through thier own grieving process of potentially losing a "son" they have cherished for over 20 years.
My husbands father died of alcohol-related illness. His two brothers were killed in alcohol-related car accidents. His mother and his sisters have not phoned me once since we separated three months ago. They haven't even phoned to talk to the kids.
Ok....I'm done with my whine and cheese party. (For this moment anyway!) I'm thankful for my friends and for my family. I'm grateful that I have a good job.....stressful at times, but I can pay the bills. I'm thankful and relieved to have found you all who truly understand and I value your opinions and your insight. (and because of the reassurance that I'm not crazy!)
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your support is truly a gift.
Sarah
Mysty.....it sounds like we were married to the same man! Your experiences and family relationships are very similar to mine. I am, however, very fortunate that my family is supporting me after I've slowly began to share some experiences and incidents. But they're going through thier own grieving process of potentially losing a "son" they have cherished for over 20 years.
My husbands father died of alcohol-related illness. His two brothers were killed in alcohol-related car accidents. His mother and his sisters have not phoned me once since we separated three months ago. They haven't even phoned to talk to the kids.
Ok....I'm done with my whine and cheese party. (For this moment anyway!) I'm thankful for my friends and for my family. I'm grateful that I have a good job.....stressful at times, but I can pay the bills. I'm thankful and relieved to have found you all who truly understand and I value your opinions and your insight. (and because of the reassurance that I'm not crazy!)
Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your support is truly a gift.
Sarah
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
The stuff about the pedestal. WOW
I use a lot of visualization in my healing. I have had various descriptions of how I look at the A in my life, but the one I have held onto the longest is this:
He went from being the Great and POWERFUL OZ to just a sad little man behind a curtain, making a lot of noise with some smoke belching from an old machine.
When I was able to see THAT.... then I was able to see that he had no power or control over me ANY more. I was able to laugh at things that had frightened me before - though not to his face - and they lost their stranglehold on me.
Do whatever works for you. Remember that however big and scary he is, your HP is bigger and is caring for you right now.
HUGS
059
I use a lot of visualization in my healing. I have had various descriptions of how I look at the A in my life, but the one I have held onto the longest is this:
He went from being the Great and POWERFUL OZ to just a sad little man behind a curtain, making a lot of noise with some smoke belching from an old machine.
When I was able to see THAT.... then I was able to see that he had no power or control over me ANY more. I was able to laugh at things that had frightened me before - though not to his face - and they lost their stranglehold on me.
Do whatever works for you. Remember that however big and scary he is, your HP is bigger and is caring for you right now.
HUGS
059
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 13
Wow
Just reading this helps so much. It's good to know I'm not the only one with an A who is manipulative and driving me crazy! Reading your stories helps me to see clearly exactly what he is up to now that we are over. Inviting himself over to my family gatherings and endearing himself to my family. Crying to me because the mole on the back of his head he supposedly had checked may be cancerous (this I've discovered is a lie). There was no shaving or bandage or anything to indicate some tissue had been taken for testing. And the timing of this tragedy is curious. Now that I am trying to move on in my life without him after he dumped me (blessing in disguise), he is dying to be my best friend, he is tragically "maybe" dying of cancer" and he stops by my office and brings me large envelopes filled with popcorn and chocolate and all sorts of goodies. Its nuts! It really is great to be able to come here and read other stories that are similar and read words of encouragement and support. Thank you all for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
(((((Sarah)))))
I've been following this thread, and just wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you. You sound like you are coming along well through this.
I too had my husband up on a pedestal. (Wow, Osier, what a great picture of what I have lived--from OZ to a little old weak man). What makes us think they are so far above us? I suppose the little cuts and digs we get now and then that chop us down to size. No more! Don't forget we are all Queens!
Sarah, I'll wear my new tiara for you tonight! (and I'll keep you in my prayers).
Lyn
I've been following this thread, and just wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you. You sound like you are coming along well through this.
I too had my husband up on a pedestal. (Wow, Osier, what a great picture of what I have lived--from OZ to a little old weak man). What makes us think they are so far above us? I suppose the little cuts and digs we get now and then that chop us down to size. No more! Don't forget we are all Queens!
Sarah, I'll wear my new tiara for you tonight! (and I'll keep you in my prayers).
Lyn
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