Sunflower

(((HUGS))))) you go girl!!!!!Time for a new life-a happy one!!!

parentrecovers

thinking about you, ce girl. stay safe and focused on your own recovery. blessings, k

Bjen

A friend of mine who spent a good amount of time in prison when he was younger, (now he is clean and sober and wonderful) told me not to worry about my A. He is a big boy and jail isn't bad. He told me to think about it, you know where your next meal is, you know where you'll sleep, in a county jail things are pretty tame especially when brought in for minimal charges. All in all, he is safe AND you kept him from driving drunk and endangering himself and others. You did good honey, I've been in your shoes and was never able to be that strong. Good for you!!!!! B

CE Girl

My A phoned today. He fooled my ass't into putting his call through. She didn't realize who he was as I try very hard to keep my personal seperate from my professional.

He began by telling me how much he loved and needed me and "forgave" me for what I did yesterday. He understood how I would not want to deal with him and was remorseful about driving in that condition. I told him he could of killed himself or worse yet, someone else. He asked me to take him back and not "abandon" him. telling me that he was really trying and if I would only see how far he's come. told me that 6 hours in a lock up "sobered" him up in more ways than one and he was just thankful he wasn't behind the wheel so they couldn't charge him with OUI. He was picked up for public intoxication.

When I told him I wanted nothing to do with him and the relationship was over, the Mr Hyde came out

I won't go into the hateful things he said in his tirade, but needless to say, I was not strong enough to not cry. DAMN I HATE when I give him the satisfation of seeing my tears.

Instead of hanging up, I got sucked right back in, arguing about how he was wrong. Frustrated to the point I began to yell. My office door was shut, but I'm SURE everyone heard me. So much for keeping work seperate. The button he pushed to get me going? GUILT. I'm sure many of you have experience codie GUILT. I finally ended up screaming not to tell me he "loved" me anymore as the only person he was capable of loving was HIMSELF. I told him if he contacted me again, I would get a restraining order. And hung up the phone.

The one thing that keeps going through my mind is, I'm SICK of all the DRAMA!! I don't know, is this a need an addict has to have? I've often thought, we can be going along "normal" when he's sober, and it becomes "boring" for him, so he throws in the drink and shakes things up. I know, intellectually, that its actually the drink thats shaking things up, but I can't help but feel, its security for him to have the drama. Maybe If Taz is around he can help me with that. Or anyone?

denny57

I think as a co-dependent I functioned only in the drama, too. I had to look to me for the answers.

Sunflower

Jail is not a ''nice '' place believe me when I tell you this!Sometimes it is needed though,,,,hang in there

CE Girl

I had to resurrect this thread, as the "saga" continues,,,

And I can FEEL myself giving in again,,,

He managed to get through my email at work. Created a new user ID so it gets past my "rule". Sent me an email that simply said, "Now can we talk?"

And I'm having a particularly bad day. Keep thinking I haven't given him the "rules". Things that have been left unsaid. How the reason I'm leaving him is because he isn't sober, and if he wants to be with me, he needs to have a good amount of said sobriety under his belt. I want him to know I haven't stopped loving him. Not to use the "excuse" i am with someone else to continue his behaviour. I want to still be friends with him

Then the recovering codie comes out

Communicating with him in any way, will only open the door for him to hurt me again. My"need" to be friends and lay down the rules only shows I am struggling to give up the drama and my codie ways. Do I really think he CARES what the rules are or that I still love him, or that I want to be his friend?

As you can see, I'm going through the tug of war.

words of wisdom please so I don't cave

denny57

Don't respond. In the not too distant future I hope, like me, you will see how that is benefiting YOU.

((()))

CE Girl

So far, I've held tough. but just seeing his name come through on my email brings me to a place, where now I can't concentrate on anything else.

I'm clinging to this site for dear life

My "favorite" meeting is tonght. I'm hoping I can keep myself out of harms way until then. I know him, one "contact" is usually followed by another. Why can't he just leave me alone?

denny57

That's ok, let it bring you there. Then do some contrary action. It feels uncomfortable because it is uncomfortable - but that doesn't make it wrong.

Why can't he just leave you alone? Well, why is it that now you can't concentrate on anything else? It's obsession - addict or non addict - it's the same thing.

minnie

Any contact adds fuel to the flames at the moment. That's not to say that you might never have contact with him again, although you might find that after a while you don't want to.

Challenge those codie thoughts and see if there's any evidence for their validity. That's the way to get rid of them (and any other negative thought patterns). It's a key tool of CBT and really works.

Asking "Why?" of my thoughts and emotions until I get to the root of the issue helps too.

LaTeeDa

So much information gets posted on this forum that it can be overwhelming at times. Just a few days ago, Minnie posted something that is perfect for dealing with these issues. Pass all your decisions and actions by your "happiness ruler." Make sure anything you do is good for YOU or makes YOU happy. It's easy to get caught up in what we perceive to be "best for everyone." Who are we to decide what's best for someone else. Focus on what's best for you and allow others the dignity to make their own choices. (Even if that choice is to continue destructive behavior)

Here is a link to the thread I'm referring to. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rve-happy.html

What a simple way to quiet down that committee in your head and listen to your gut.

L

CE Girl

I went out for a walk. That was most definitely "contrary" for me. Past behavior would have been to furiously bang on my keyboard to my A, getting out my emotions. Knowing in my heart, he wasn't actually LISTENING, only reveling in how he pushed my buttons yet again. Yes, it felt "uncomfortable", but only for a few moments. Mostly, it felt incredibly freeing

Came back to a barrage of mail from him. Created another "rule" to keep him out and immediately came here for support

Thank You!!! The first question I asked? Why do I feel I need to lay down the "rules"? Answer? Because I am OBSESSING about him and not taking care of my OWN house.

On my walk, I spoke to my hp and asked for help.

When I came back, LaTeeDa sent me the happiness ruler ~smiles~

Talk about prayers being answered

How long DOES it take before you stop wanting to contact the A? I do fine when I don't hear from him. For me, it’s a case of "out of site, almost out of mind" Though I do think of him often. And call it a sixth sense, but I KNOW he is thinking of me. Mostly conniving how to get me to speak with him, but many times, I "feel" he is thinking I've abandoned him. As a codie, I don't want ANYONE to think that of me. Therefore I get "sucked in". Do you think he knows, in his altered mind, that I am doing this for him as well as me?

I got a ways to go huh?

denny57

I can't pinpoint it, I just know today I no longer want to contact him. I realized I thought he was "thinking" I abandoned him because that is what I would be thinking and feeling; if I believe one thing recovering addicts tell me it is this: an addict is only thinking how to keep their addiction going. If I am a pathway to that, he'll try to keep the status quo. I put the gate on my path and he IS NOT getting a key.

((()))

p.s. I walk, too - a lot! I like the added physical benefits that come with the mental peace it brings.

minnie

And again, why? Why are you obsessing? Why are you not sorting your own stuff out?

I had to figure out what the payoffs were - still do, actually, because I still have behaviours that aren't as healthy as I would like. It's just that they are no longer revolving around him.

It takes as long as it takes. Tbh, I had really moved out of that phase before I actually left - when I was done, I was done talking about it to him. That is NOT to say that I was any good at handling the manipulation for a long time, though. I tried to do the balancing act of running a business with him for a year after I left him, albeit from long distance. And 8 months of that were hell - constant emails, phone calls, texts, flowers, calls to my parents. (And all the while, he was actually engaged to someone else as I found out later.) My payoff - giving into my fear that I wouldn't be able to survive financially on my own. We were making great money and, I'm afraid, I didn't want to give it up. (Guess what? This year I made a quarter of what I made in our best year of business and I am no poorer for it. In "real" terms, anyway. In fact, I am infinitely richer.)

It was only when I went no contact (or at least only contact via lawyers) that I was able to step out of the game. If you do fine if you don't hear from him, then don't respond to any of his messages as you are only putting back the day when you won't hear from him if you reply. Why would you want to be in contact with someone who treats you like this, anyway? His behaviour is not a sign of love, you know.

You have absolutely no way of knowing what he is thinking. Could the the thoughts you are having simply be projections? i.e. you think he thinks you have abandoned him because that is what YOU think? It might be worth digging on that a little.

I'm like Denny - I have no desire to contact him now. The R I "knew" was just a facade, anyway. A great big fake. Only I didn't realise as I was too busy swallowing his BS to take any notice of the red flags and inconsistencies.

Blimey, sometimes a poster really resonates with me and I'm afraid this week it's you CEGirl!! Thank you for letting me write - I know that I still have to hear some of this stuff myself, if that makes sense.

CE Girl

I don't know what I would have done without all of you on this board today. Wait, yes I do. I would have caved. I'm not saying that lightly. I believe the "spirits" have pointed me in this direction, at the insitance of my hp. I NEEDED your support today, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there.

He continued to send me mail this afternoon. I'm thinking he was reveling in his new found game. I continued to set the "rules" in my email. Turned off the auto preview so the ones that got through, could not be read. I was fragile enough.

I went through a lot of the things the posters wrote about today. No way was I going to contact, it would only set me back. I too was done the day I left. Said everything over and over again in our time together and I wasn't gonna talk about it again. I called it "shut down". But the wounds are still open, and I can honestly say, I was not prepared for the lengths he is going to for my attention. Albeit, negative. Words I read on this forum this week, "he will do ANYTHING to get your attention, even if its negative". All the while fighting my own codie habits of obsessing, projecting and yes, Minnie, even facing the "facade". Bottom line, I have to love myself and LET it be about me for once.

Today, in this day, I was able to be strong. I found every way possible to distract and seperate myself from my A. The trouble I'm having is focusing on what I want. When I ask myself that question, the answer is my A. The fantasy I've created in my mind. Thats my emotions. My intellect tells me, it was never reality at all. That's as honest as I can get. My feverent hope is that someday I will get to a place where I can face my own "core". Find the reasons I found myself in this place. Face my own low self esteem issues and need to control and save. The fact I can even put them in print is a step in the right direction me thinks.

Another day of no contact, one day closer to personal freedom.

I'm going to my favorite meeting. By the time I get home, I will be tired and ready for bed. The danger of caving finally passed.

THANK YOU AGAIN (if I could figure out how to add icons, I'd give ya ALL a hug)

Peace

denny57

(((CE))) Hope you have a great meeting.

I remember also thinking that once I decided I was done, I needed to immediately figure out what I wanted. Well, here I am a year and a half later and I'm just starting to figure that out. The good news is that things really do happen the way they should, in the right time frame. Because 18 months ago my thinking had become so distorted I had no idea what I wanted. I think the recoveries of the addicted and the co-dependent are so similar. I absolutely understand why it's recommended to make no major changes for a year, etc.

Thinking of you.

havehopetoday

The day will come where you just get too tired to continue. he either sobers up and smartens up or you will not take it...one of my friends once said to me for years and years "have you had enough?". so many times i said yes, and then folded...eventually it's not a struggle anymore. It's like you have just eaten and your stomach is too full and someone wants to shove cake in your mouth. You've had enough. Good luck CE, stay strong and full

CE Girl

Todays "crap du jour"

"Would you please just talk to me – Been through the ringer I guess but I haven’t been drinking – have asked the Spirits to please let you see my heart and how sorry I am for bein such a dope – Please will you just talk to me"

Came through my work email ~ again ~ only this time he got creative with the email adress he made up and I opened it before deleting. Its my work email, I get a lot offsite, can't afford to miss one.

My reaction? Old codie behaviour. I wanted to respond, WHOSE been through the ringer?!?!? How are you a "dope" and what do you plan on doing about it!!!!"


I'm better today, and able to fight off the temptation so far, but one things for sure, I have to let go of the anger. Its a stumbling block to my OWN recovery.

Usually, with "normies" you can reason and have adult conversation to get to the root of the anger. At the very least, to know you are heard, even if you agree to disagree. I know intellectually thats not possible with my A, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to try.

When does that NEED to vent to you A go away?

Jazzman

When you realize you can not reason with an active addict.
When you realize there can be no closure with an active addict.
When you're sick and tired of being sick and tired.
When you realize your own sanity and welfare is at stake.

The drowning man analogy comes to mind here.
Life guards are taught to grab a drowning swimmer from behind so they can not drag you down under with them.