melt down
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
melt down
Thats what I had today. After I was so horrified at my behavior.
I thought I was doing so well with all this-then wow-here it comes.
I am concerned only because I am the kind of person who always lets it all out.
this time I feel as if I have been hiding a lot inside and wasn't even aware of it.
I decided today that I would rake-haha-Hey I tried very hard-it was a beautiful day here in New England. I did ok for a little while then I tried to move some heavy bags.I couldn't do it.But I was stubborn-I kept trying and trying--I never noticed I was crying hysterically the whole time.My mother came outside to get me and by then I could barely walk and fell.I started beating the ground--I kid you not--like a crazy woman!!!
I finally got to the picnic table and sobbed for a good 1/2 hours at which time my neighbor helped me back into the house.
I am 49-sick and disable since I was 43
can't work
lost all my friends
no real family left
no one
I am getting ready to turn 50 I am gonna be an old lady!
All those years of working and carrying everyoneand in the end I am left with nothing
no home
no husband
I think I spent my whole life being strong for everyone else-I hate being weak
I have no one to help me with things around the house-and I always did all this and I am pissed off I am so sick and so weak and I don't know what freaking day it is even.....................
Can't pressure the AS--he does what he can for me.
I got this huge tumor on my neck(coming out next week they say)
I am so tired so tired...I wonder what I ever did to deserve all this?
I am like JOB in the bible--is there anything else HP would like to take from me? There is not much left..
so sorry for this posts thanks for letting me have a place to vent.
I wonde will ever happen to me...........
I could be gone tomorrow-not many would notice-and what would I leave behind? an alcoholic son?
I thought I was doing so well with all this-then wow-here it comes.
I am concerned only because I am the kind of person who always lets it all out.
this time I feel as if I have been hiding a lot inside and wasn't even aware of it.
I decided today that I would rake-haha-Hey I tried very hard-it was a beautiful day here in New England. I did ok for a little while then I tried to move some heavy bags.I couldn't do it.But I was stubborn-I kept trying and trying--I never noticed I was crying hysterically the whole time.My mother came outside to get me and by then I could barely walk and fell.I started beating the ground--I kid you not--like a crazy woman!!!
I finally got to the picnic table and sobbed for a good 1/2 hours at which time my neighbor helped me back into the house.
I am 49-sick and disable since I was 43
can't work
lost all my friends
no real family left
no one
I am getting ready to turn 50 I am gonna be an old lady!
All those years of working and carrying everyoneand in the end I am left with nothing
no home
no husband
I think I spent my whole life being strong for everyone else-I hate being weak
I have no one to help me with things around the house-and I always did all this and I am pissed off I am so sick and so weak and I don't know what freaking day it is even.....................
Can't pressure the AS--he does what he can for me.
I got this huge tumor on my neck(coming out next week they say)
I am so tired so tired...I wonder what I ever did to deserve all this?
I am like JOB in the bible--is there anything else HP would like to take from me? There is not much left..
so sorry for this posts thanks for letting me have a place to vent.
I wonde will ever happen to me...........
I could be gone tomorrow-not many would notice-and what would I leave behind? an alcoholic son?
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
So sorry you are having a bad day Sunflower .. sometimes this get so piled up inside us , we have to let them out .. having a mini break down isnt always bad ...
And you have a RECOVERING alcoholic son , and you are a big part of that recovery , theres alot to be said for that .
(((())))s & prayers
And you have a RECOVERING alcoholic son , and you are a big part of that recovery , theres alot to be said for that .
(((())))s & prayers
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
yeah! your son is in recovery and you've been there to watch his life unfold the way it has - not many of us can say we've witnessed that with our A's, or that we ever will, but what you can see now must be beautiful compared to what it was.
i know it's hard to see sometimes, but there's a lot of good going on around you! there are some people that don't have the eyes to see a pretty day or the ears to hear a beautiful piece of music. being a nurse, you must have seen people in worse shape than yourself... those who are unable to feed themselves, bathe themselves, make it to a bathroom when they need to go, etc. and you have all of us - some people don't even have a support system like you do (even if you don't feel it sometimes, we're always here!).
i hope you got some sleep and tomorrow will be better for you!
i know it's hard to see sometimes, but there's a lot of good going on around you! there are some people that don't have the eyes to see a pretty day or the ears to hear a beautiful piece of music. being a nurse, you must have seen people in worse shape than yourself... those who are unable to feed themselves, bathe themselves, make it to a bathroom when they need to go, etc. and you have all of us - some people don't even have a support system like you do (even if you don't feel it sometimes, we're always here!).
i hope you got some sleep and tomorrow will be better for you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Sunflower, you had to let it out because you've been holding so much in for so long. Feelings can only be stuffed down or denied for so long. You are not well, so it's natural to feel very down with so many health problems. Yeah, you do sound like Job. I hope you feel better soon. That sounds lame, given the seriousness of your health issues, but I really want to see you pull through this challenging time.
((((Sunflower))))
((((Sunflower))))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Sunflower, you have been carrying some heavy loads and sometimes it just gets to be too much. Letting it out is probably a good thing ... please don't feel bad. Hopefully your load will lighten soon. Take Care!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
We should never underestimate the healing power of a good purge. I don't think your higher power is taking things away from you. I think you exibit the evidence of what others have done to you. The connection between stress and most disease processes is undeniable.
With that said, I am incredibly excited to consider what I'm reading about stem cell research.
I know all the agruments about it but......I think that just like organ donation, which is highly promoted, stem cell research is going to bring about even bigger things.
We have a friend who was being totally stupid playing with dynamite about 18 years ago. He blew off his left arm up to the elbow and he is blind. He can see shadows on overcast days. This guy was an avid outdoorsman. He lives with this everyday knowing he did to to himself.
I had a vision about ten years ago of him regrowing his arm and his retinas regenerating, vision restored. Ten years ago I didn't know anything about stem cell research and this seemed like a cruel thing to even mention.
I told my husband and he knows me well enough that he knows I wouldn't say it if I didn't believe it.
Can you imagine a world free of all forms of diabetes, obesity, severed limbs regenerating, missing genes in ******** people being generated?
The pharmacuticals will stand in the way becasue they wouldn't have anyting to sell and medical insurance wouldn't be such a big deal. The possibilites are endless. I think you are going through this becasue you are developing a testimony.
It isn't over. Never before have we had such possibilities to "fix", condtions and diseases. I can't help but wonder is alcoholism is in fact something that could be cured with stem cell research. I would love to see how stem cell research might change the outcomes of alcoholism.
We have to entertain the real possibilites. We are so long overdue for a tremendous medical breakthrough. I believe we will see it in our lifetime.
Don't push yourself. You face this surgery but God knows the outcome already.
There is a great testimony that willl leave people so effected and in your case, I think you should be taking notes all along the way. I think you should write a book because I sense that you have every ability to be a writer.
With that said, you may not sit down to write if your abilites allowed you to ingnore your writing ability and your ability to touch people with what you write.
Today is supposed to be beautiful again. Go back ouit tot hat picnic table with a pad and paper, start writing. It will all come together. Take the passion you pounded the ground with yesterday and pound the pen to the paper. You are wa wise wise woman. The painand suffering is unenduarable I know but I also know that if you could take that pain and help thousands of people with it and because of it, you would be the one for the job.
You are going to tell others how to get through it, you will spare others with yoru words and wisdom.
Maybe if you can somehow, you could get a laptop to use at the picnic table.
You feel weak but there arre people watching you that think you are the strongest woman they ever knew.
Now I know this post is lengthy but I must tell you that it almost seems like this message is flowing through me from my higher power, so I feel inspired to encourage you. I had no idea what to say when I first read this post and I kept coming back to it feeling bothered. I know that great days lie ahead for you and that you will see yourself healed and your son recovered. That sure is a story I'd like to read about.
With that said, I am incredibly excited to consider what I'm reading about stem cell research.
I know all the agruments about it but......I think that just like organ donation, which is highly promoted, stem cell research is going to bring about even bigger things.
We have a friend who was being totally stupid playing with dynamite about 18 years ago. He blew off his left arm up to the elbow and he is blind. He can see shadows on overcast days. This guy was an avid outdoorsman. He lives with this everyday knowing he did to to himself.
I had a vision about ten years ago of him regrowing his arm and his retinas regenerating, vision restored. Ten years ago I didn't know anything about stem cell research and this seemed like a cruel thing to even mention.
I told my husband and he knows me well enough that he knows I wouldn't say it if I didn't believe it.
Can you imagine a world free of all forms of diabetes, obesity, severed limbs regenerating, missing genes in ******** people being generated?
The pharmacuticals will stand in the way becasue they wouldn't have anyting to sell and medical insurance wouldn't be such a big deal. The possibilites are endless. I think you are going through this becasue you are developing a testimony.
It isn't over. Never before have we had such possibilities to "fix", condtions and diseases. I can't help but wonder is alcoholism is in fact something that could be cured with stem cell research. I would love to see how stem cell research might change the outcomes of alcoholism.
We have to entertain the real possibilites. We are so long overdue for a tremendous medical breakthrough. I believe we will see it in our lifetime.
Don't push yourself. You face this surgery but God knows the outcome already.
There is a great testimony that willl leave people so effected and in your case, I think you should be taking notes all along the way. I think you should write a book because I sense that you have every ability to be a writer.
With that said, you may not sit down to write if your abilites allowed you to ingnore your writing ability and your ability to touch people with what you write.
Today is supposed to be beautiful again. Go back ouit tot hat picnic table with a pad and paper, start writing. It will all come together. Take the passion you pounded the ground with yesterday and pound the pen to the paper. You are wa wise wise woman. The painand suffering is unenduarable I know but I also know that if you could take that pain and help thousands of people with it and because of it, you would be the one for the job.
You are going to tell others how to get through it, you will spare others with yoru words and wisdom.
Maybe if you can somehow, you could get a laptop to use at the picnic table.
You feel weak but there arre people watching you that think you are the strongest woman they ever knew.
Now I know this post is lengthy but I must tell you that it almost seems like this message is flowing through me from my higher power, so I feel inspired to encourage you. I had no idea what to say when I first read this post and I kept coming back to it feeling bothered. I know that great days lie ahead for you and that you will see yourself healed and your son recovered. That sure is a story I'd like to read about.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
(((Sunflower)))
Sometimes those meltdowns have to happen. It's a release of all the pent up stuff we've held in for too long. And, I believe they are our mind and body's way of sending us important messages that we have ignored, or haven't been ready to listen to previously.
I had a meltdown over a vacuum cleaner once. I was going over and over the same spot on the carpet and it just wasn't getting clean like it should. I started screaming out..."I'm trying so hard to do this, I know how to use a effin vacuum cleaner....so why isn't it working"!!!! Then I too broke down and started sobbing. Turns out the bag needed changing, which I didn't find out again until weeks later. Was too afraid to vacuum again until that time 'cause I was afraid it wouldn't work again.
But the message to myself was that I was trying so hard to MAKE THINGS WORK, (according to how I thought it should) but getting no where. Just like the bag in the vacuum cleaner that needed 'changing' what I needed to do was make changes...MAJOR CHANGES, which I didn't even begin to do until 5 long, miserable years later.
Maybe your message might be that you need to make some changes. I know you have a full plate, but sometimes we need to ask for help to lesson our burden. I know you don't want to pressure your son, but could it be he is capable of doing more that you give him credit for? And what about your Mom?
Sometimes people are willing to help, but might not offer if the person needing help gives off the feeling they don't want help! It's might be worth thinking about a little bit, huh?
Sometimes those meltdowns have to happen. It's a release of all the pent up stuff we've held in for too long. And, I believe they are our mind and body's way of sending us important messages that we have ignored, or haven't been ready to listen to previously.
I had a meltdown over a vacuum cleaner once. I was going over and over the same spot on the carpet and it just wasn't getting clean like it should. I started screaming out..."I'm trying so hard to do this, I know how to use a effin vacuum cleaner....so why isn't it working"!!!! Then I too broke down and started sobbing. Turns out the bag needed changing, which I didn't find out again until weeks later. Was too afraid to vacuum again until that time 'cause I was afraid it wouldn't work again.
But the message to myself was that I was trying so hard to MAKE THINGS WORK, (according to how I thought it should) but getting no where. Just like the bag in the vacuum cleaner that needed 'changing' what I needed to do was make changes...MAJOR CHANGES, which I didn't even begin to do until 5 long, miserable years later.
Maybe your message might be that you need to make some changes. I know you have a full plate, but sometimes we need to ask for help to lesson our burden. I know you don't want to pressure your son, but could it be he is capable of doing more that you give him credit for? And what about your Mom?
Sometimes people are willing to help, but might not offer if the person needing help gives off the feeling they don't want help! It's might be worth thinking about a little bit, huh?
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Sunflower, honey. We are all here for you. We all need someone.... I relate to you sweetheart...always the one that was there for every bloody one... never me.. I am 47, so hey 50 is a baby chicken too. I have a ds and as. I know it hurts and I wish you well..
Plenty of nice people here to keep you company. If I lived closer I would come visit you. but I am downunder baby.....
Plenty of nice people here to keep you company. If I lived closer I would come visit you. but I am downunder baby.....
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
((((((((SUN)))))))))
Remember when you sent me this....
this is the water
that fills up the cloud
that makes the raindrop
that falls to the river
that flows to the ocean
that reflects the light
of a thousand sunbeams
today it may be raining in your world,
but tomorrow you'll feel the sun
on your face again.
have faith
Praying for you!!!
Much love, Cheryl
Remember when you sent me this....
this is the water
that fills up the cloud
that makes the raindrop
that falls to the river
that flows to the ocean
that reflects the light
of a thousand sunbeams
today it may be raining in your world,
but tomorrow you'll feel the sun
on your face again.
have faith
Praying for you!!!
Much love, Cheryl
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
********{sunflower}}}}}}}}}
i dont understand why when i needed You the most,You would leave me.,Lord.
The Lord replied,my precious,child,I would never leave you.I love you .During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints in the sand,it was then that I carried you.
I too felt like Job,i can really relate.
how can we be helpful to you?
My prayers are with you.
i dont understand why when i needed You the most,You would leave me.,Lord.
The Lord replied,my precious,child,I would never leave you.I love you .During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints in the sand,it was then that I carried you.
I too felt like Job,i can really relate.
how can we be helpful to you?
My prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Backwoods, PA
Posts: 223
We are not weak and we are not old ladies. I'm going to be 51 this year and I have to remind myself, on occasions, that it is just a number.
Now, come on Sunflower......we are strong, we are fighters, we are SURVIVORS! And......we would miss you, BUT nothing is going to happen to you.
I understand that you're scared. It is very scary. I was just there!
Remember the Serenity prayer. You are a kind and loving person!
And, just like Grasshopper, I also thought about Footprints in the Sand.
My prayers are with you too, Sunflower!
Now, come on Sunflower......we are strong, we are fighters, we are SURVIVORS! And......we would miss you, BUT nothing is going to happen to you.
I understand that you're scared. It is very scary. I was just there!
Remember the Serenity prayer. You are a kind and loving person!
And, just like Grasshopper, I also thought about Footprints in the Sand.
My prayers are with you too, Sunflower!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
OH dear sweet Sunflower!
You mean I'm still gonna be having meltdowns when I get to be in my 40s!!!???
I just had one the other day in front of my family. I screamed and cried like a 10 year old. Lovely.
Many times we do not know the impact our lives, our actions have in this world. Look at how many artists knew NO recognition in their lifetimes (Van Gogh, etc.)...yet their deeds/works have had tremendous effects throughout the world. Never underestimate how much positive effect small acts of kindness and compassion can have. On this board alone, you have given countless hugs and so much comfort!
You are NOT old. Haven't you heard that 30 is the new 20, 40 is the new 30, and 50 is the new 40????
You might not be well Sunflower, but you have lots of love, and goodness, and wisdom to give. Find a place to give it (volunteer in school/senior center/library/hospital/etc). Even if it's for half an hour a week. It will help change the way you feel.
You mean I'm still gonna be having meltdowns when I get to be in my 40s!!!???
I just had one the other day in front of my family. I screamed and cried like a 10 year old. Lovely.
Many times we do not know the impact our lives, our actions have in this world. Look at how many artists knew NO recognition in their lifetimes (Van Gogh, etc.)...yet their deeds/works have had tremendous effects throughout the world. Never underestimate how much positive effect small acts of kindness and compassion can have. On this board alone, you have given countless hugs and so much comfort!
You are NOT old. Haven't you heard that 30 is the new 20, 40 is the new 30, and 50 is the new 40????
You might not be well Sunflower, but you have lots of love, and goodness, and wisdom to give. Find a place to give it (volunteer in school/senior center/library/hospital/etc). Even if it's for half an hour a week. It will help change the way you feel.
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
((((Sunflower))))) you are a sweet loving young woman! I have had many words of encouragement from you and things that actually sunk in my head! I feel for you and the pain that you feel right now-
There are sometimes we get up in the morning and things are not they way we hoped they would be. This is when we need to keep reminding ourselves it will get better and keep focusing on our own judgements and opinions. Keep your life focused on believing in yourself and all that you are capable of. There will be challenges to face and changes to make in your life,and it is up to you to accept them.Constantly keep yourself headed in the right directions for you.It may not be easy at times, but in those times of struggle you will find a stronger sense of who you are,and you will also see yourself developing into the person you have always wanted to be. It can be done!
We are allowed to have bad days-melt downs if you will! I stood in the shower last week and cried and yelled to my non A- husband who was killed-he was the greatest thing that ever happen to me and I thought "why did you leave me with these messed up relationships and this XAB that I'am dealing with now! Why do I have such a severe perm. injury to my back and leg? And I stopped crying and said it is not your fault but rather my own for not making the changes I need for me so I let one more tear out and stepped out of the shower with a smile because it was those times when he left me that I felt there was no HP but now I know when I feel good things, think good things, reach for good things...there will be good things. I thank him for how far I have come-and those moments I think of him in the shower and other little signs are signs from my HP and my husband reminding me that I can live a happy "normal " life. It is what we make it-it is the big boulders in our trying to get there sometimes that can lead us to days like this Sun and it is OK!
Life is a journey and we all struggle in our own ways but you are moving in the right direction Sun and you are a loving caring person that I have heard in your post and are determined to beat this and live a happy life! I too wish I was closer to give that great big HUG to you!
The volunteer things sounds like a wonderful thing. I have volunteered time to help my neighbors daughters cheerleading squad-as a fill in coach! What fun-to hear the little girls laughing and smiling and while you are making them feel good-you feel so good inside!
((((Sun))))
Still laughing about the Vacuum ICU-I think I have done that with other things on occasion! Ha Ha and the comments so true as to why!
There are sometimes we get up in the morning and things are not they way we hoped they would be. This is when we need to keep reminding ourselves it will get better and keep focusing on our own judgements and opinions. Keep your life focused on believing in yourself and all that you are capable of. There will be challenges to face and changes to make in your life,and it is up to you to accept them.Constantly keep yourself headed in the right directions for you.It may not be easy at times, but in those times of struggle you will find a stronger sense of who you are,and you will also see yourself developing into the person you have always wanted to be. It can be done!
We are allowed to have bad days-melt downs if you will! I stood in the shower last week and cried and yelled to my non A- husband who was killed-he was the greatest thing that ever happen to me and I thought "why did you leave me with these messed up relationships and this XAB that I'am dealing with now! Why do I have such a severe perm. injury to my back and leg? And I stopped crying and said it is not your fault but rather my own for not making the changes I need for me so I let one more tear out and stepped out of the shower with a smile because it was those times when he left me that I felt there was no HP but now I know when I feel good things, think good things, reach for good things...there will be good things. I thank him for how far I have come-and those moments I think of him in the shower and other little signs are signs from my HP and my husband reminding me that I can live a happy "normal " life. It is what we make it-it is the big boulders in our trying to get there sometimes that can lead us to days like this Sun and it is OK!
Life is a journey and we all struggle in our own ways but you are moving in the right direction Sun and you are a loving caring person that I have heard in your post and are determined to beat this and live a happy life! I too wish I was closer to give that great big HUG to you!
The volunteer things sounds like a wonderful thing. I have volunteered time to help my neighbors daughters cheerleading squad-as a fill in coach! What fun-to hear the little girls laughing and smiling and while you are making them feel good-you feel so good inside!
((((Sun))))
Still laughing about the Vacuum ICU-I think I have done that with other things on occasion! Ha Ha and the comments so true as to why!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Marysville Ohio
Posts: 34
Always remember, It Is God who gives, It is Satan who takes away! God only allows things to happen in order to teach us something. and he only allows Satan to do to us what we can handle. He is with you through it all. Lay all at his doorstep. And thank him for his mercy. It could be worse- Right?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
OK Meltdown over I think?--did what I always tell others to do--take a warm bath and a cuppa tea and curl up with a good book.I think it might have been the wrong book''the road''very depressing but still a good read.
I swear I was a 4 year old yesterday!!!!!
I thank you all so much for your posts--I read them all--you guys are good.
Mallow--I am in the process of writing a book--believe it or not--I have walked away from it for a long time--maybe its a sign to get back to it.
I think of all the horrible thimgs that have happened in my life-like many others-and I have to wonder -what purpose does it serve if not to help someone else?? I am not sure you would believe it if you heard it all(yes there is so much more)--I am not sure I would if someone else wrote it!LOL
All I accomplished yesterday was upsetting myself and my family.
But I have to agree a good cry is needed every now and then.
I love the vacumn story--thats it in a nut shell--hold it in--it comes out in other ways.
I really can't thank you guys enough for listening and responding to me in my craziness..
Today is the day of my final test prior to my surgery--I will find out hopefully today if this tumor has rooted itself into my throat--I pray it hasn't. Maybe the pressure from it is the cause of my meltdown? I don't know it's lways something......
'''Hello HP? I WOULD LIKE A BREAK HERE!!!!''''
I swear I was a 4 year old yesterday!!!!!
I thank you all so much for your posts--I read them all--you guys are good.
Mallow--I am in the process of writing a book--believe it or not--I have walked away from it for a long time--maybe its a sign to get back to it.
I think of all the horrible thimgs that have happened in my life-like many others-and I have to wonder -what purpose does it serve if not to help someone else?? I am not sure you would believe it if you heard it all(yes there is so much more)--I am not sure I would if someone else wrote it!LOL
All I accomplished yesterday was upsetting myself and my family.
But I have to agree a good cry is needed every now and then.
I love the vacumn story--thats it in a nut shell--hold it in--it comes out in other ways.
I really can't thank you guys enough for listening and responding to me in my craziness..
Today is the day of my final test prior to my surgery--I will find out hopefully today if this tumor has rooted itself into my throat--I pray it hasn't. Maybe the pressure from it is the cause of my meltdown? I don't know it's lways something......
'''Hello HP? I WOULD LIKE A BREAK HERE!!!!''''
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