ICU

I dedicate this to each and every one of you here, my Friends and Family at SR….

From the Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie...

'Denial'

I’ve been recovering many years. I’ve used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.

When I was a child, I used denial to protect myself and my family. I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel. Denial got me safely through many traumatic situations, when I had no other resources for survival.

The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with myself and my feelings. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.

I learned to participate in my own abuse.

Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and smothered me.

Eventually, I began to recover. I had a glimpse of awareness about my pain, my feelings, my behaviors. I began to see myself, and the world, as we were. There was so much denial from my past that had the blanket been entirely ripped from me, I would have died from the shock of exposure. I needed to embrace insights, remembrances, awareness, and healing gently, gradually.

Life participated in this process with me. It is a gentle teacher. As I recovered, I was brought to the incidents and people I needed in order to remind me of what I was still denying, to tell me where I required more healing from my past, as I could handle these insights.

I still use, and break through, denial - as needed. When the winds of change blow through, upsetting a familiar structure and preparing me for the new, I pick up my blanket and hide, for a while. Sometimes, when someone I love has a problem, I hide under the blanket, momentarily. Memories emerge of things denied, memories that need to be remembered, felt, and accepted so I can continue to become healed - strong and healthy.

Sometimes, I feel ‘ashamed’ about how long it takes me to struggle through to acceptance of reality. I feel embarrassed when I find myself again clouded by the fog of denial.

Then something happens and I see that I am moving forward. The experience was necessary, connected, not at all a mistake, but an important part of healing.

It’s an exciting process, this journey called recovery, but I understand I may sometimes use denial to help me get through the rough spots. I’m also aware that denial is a friend, and an enemy. I’m on the alert for danger signs: those cloudy, confused feelings…sluggish energy…feeling compulsive…running too fast or hard…‘avoiding support mechanisms‘.

I’ve gained a healthy respect for our need to use denial as a blanket to wrap ourselves in when we become too cold. It isn’t my job to run around ripping people’s blankets off or ‘shaming’ others for using the blanket. ‘Shaming’ makes them colder, makes them wrap themselves more tightly in the blanket. Yanking their blanket away is dangerous. They could die of exposure, the same way I could have.

I’ve learned the best thing I can do around people who are wrapped in this blanket is to make them feel warm and safe. The warmer and safer they feel, the more able they are to drop their blanket. I don’t have to support or encourage their denial. I can be direct. If others are in denial about a particular thing, and their activity is harmful to me, I don’t have to be around them. I can wish them well and take care of myself. You see, if I stand too long around someone who is harming me, I will inevitably pick up my blanket again.

I tend to be attracted to warm people. When I’m around warm people, I don’t need to use my blanket.

I’ve gained respect for creating warm environments, where blankets are not needed, or al least not needed for long. I’ve gained trust in the way people heal from and deal with life.

God, help me be open to and trust the process that is healing me from all I have denied from my past. Help me strive for awareness and acceptance, but also help me practice gentleness and compassion for myself - and others - for those times I have used denial.

cagefree

Thanks for this post ICU - very insightful and really makes me think about what I'm denying, and how I use denial as a crutch and compass.

chero

ICU, This thread is such an eye-opener. I hope anyone that is or knows someone dealing with denial reads it.

Some of us have been dealing with denial for so long (since childhood even) that we didn't know there was a better way for us. Until someone comes along and tells us and shows us we just don't know.

I read something in Beyond Codependecy the other day that I've been thinking and thinking about. "Recovery is when fun becomes fun; love becomes love; and life becomes worth living."

I'm so ready for fun to be fun and love to be love. I'm ready to be a REAL participant in MY MY MY own life.

Thanks to everyone that makes SR a warm and safe environment!
Thanks ICU! This was great!

~Cheryl

minnie

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

You know, it took me a long time for the scales to fall from my eyes. Yes, relating to my ex, but, more importantly, relating to me, my family dynamics, my previous relationships, my social conditioning. Everything, in other words.

I'm not in denial anymore (I don't think!). There is still lots of stuff for me to work on, but in my own time. I can't do it all at once. Whilst I might not see some of that stuff, I am perfectly open to the idea that it is there and will need to be dealt with. And if it pops up in a context, I am now more likely to think "Oh, hello! I wasn't expecting that - that's interesting. Best take a look at that", rather than "Ooooh, I don't like how that feels, better have an argument/watch a film/eat a cookie/smoke a fag/surf the net" or whatever other avoidance mechanism I used.
I struggle with this enormously. Not about drinkers/addicts. But about people who have been where I have been. I want to drag them into the light. I'd best read my second fave recovery reading again.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

Thanks, hon.

chero

Minnie, I went to your link above. That was so good! Thanks for sharing!

ICU

That's funny Minnie, because when I was typing this earlier, my mind wandered back to 'the bridge' as referenced in the link you provided. I love that one too! I remember when you first posted it here!

I've found that since I have 'recovery tools' now, more and more I'm being flooded with memories from my past. And, I find that I'm able to deal with them now where I once couldn't!

Sometimes I think I'm remembering a little too much, well, a LOT to much all at one time, but I seem to be handling it. Some days are better than others though. Seems like I've got lots of balls juggling in the air right about now, LOL!! It's all good though.

P.S. I have the same struggle at times too. Then I remembered reading something about a blanket...and relocated this pretty quickly. It helps me to keep focused.