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Life after an A? Redemption?

Old 05-06-2007, 06:22 AM
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Life after an A? Redemption?

I've been away from XABF for 4 months now officially. In the midst of my leaving him I felt I had a break through of my own. Realizing that being with him was really all about me NOT taking care of my own inner turmoil. Much easier to try to fix someone else's problems right?

The root of my problem lies in the fact that I confuse body image with self image and that I don't believe many men find me attractive which over the years has made me bitter and left me with little self confidence. In the past four months I've lost 20 pounds and begun working out. I feel better, I look better, but it feels like a thin mask I'm wearing.

See I began dating a very nice normal man about 2 months ago (now I know why it's important to really feel healthy but...). The relationship has been slow moving which is a great pace for me right now. However, I catch myself constantly letting my lack of confidence shine through. And I know he notices this. In fact he tells me outright "you're fine" "relax" "you're doing everything right". This is all great actually because there are things, rude accusations that xabf made to me that without another opinion I may forever have thought I were true. But it's become clear to me that I can't hide my damage.

The other night my date mentioned he saw my books on co-dependency. I asked him if he wanted to know what that was all about. He said "I think I should". I simply said "my ex was an Alcoholic", he replied "and?" I say "and that's it". He presses further "I would think co-dependent means you're like that guy you mentioned (guy was a man who's wife left him for another guy and he ended up suicidal for 2 years then shot the man and himself to death!), someone who can't live without the other person and depends on them for happiness" I say "well it's more like I was just trying too hard to help him, doing things for him that he should have done for himself because I thought I was being a good grilfriend" "does this freak you out?" he says no.... the conversation changes to another topic and the mood felt ok. But the next day happened to be the first day I didn't hear from him. And now I wonder...

I'm not feeling too awful yet. But I am aware that my recovery has barely begun.

There is also the fact that the same day as the above story happened found out xabf went on a long weekend with his x. Doesn't make me jealous but makes me hate him for being such a liar and cheat for he is obviously still interested in me. (I still work with the jerk).

It's such a mess really! IS ther any advice anyone can offer to help me beleive I am able to redeem myself? If you've followed my threads you'll know I was no angel. I completely sinned up by being with xabf in the first place.
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Old 05-06-2007, 06:25 AM
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You have already redeemed yourself by getting away from him and you'll continue to redeem yourself by moving forward and doing the next right thing which is working on you.


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Old 05-06-2007, 06:30 AM
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I like your name "earthworm"

Thank you. Guess I'm having a hard time believing in ME today. feeling a little lonely and worried. I've been a worry wart since I was a young child.
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Old 05-06-2007, 06:40 AM
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I think you need to think about your ex as the world sees him. I think this will out his opinions in perspective. You say how he treated you and how he spoke to you. How did he treat other people? The only people who could stand my ex where his drinking buddies. They were drunken morons. Their fun was always at someone elses expense. They weren't even nice to each other. They thought they were clever and witty. They weren't, they were obnoxious and rude.
What's the last nice thing you ever heard him say to anyone? What's the last thing you ever saw him give away?
Alcoholics can be very cruel, well they are as cruel as they need to be. I think that's why it gets worse, we become desensatized and so it takes more to hurt us.
I used to start every sentence with "I'm sorry". I stopped doing that because I hate that. I was practically apologizing for breathing air.
If you were so hopeless, this new guy wouldn't have asked you out. How come this new guy doesn't think you are so worthless? You don't need to be attractive to every man on the planet and only the jerks would hoot at you when you pass anyway. Many many men may think you are a very attractive. I think this is a process and in time with exposure to healthy thinking, you will have a better perspective on who you are and the type of man he was to run you into the ground. I think as you get stronger you will not validate a man like that, you will invalidate him. The love and respect of one good man is worth more than a truck load of hoots and one night stands.
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Old 05-06-2007, 07:05 AM
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oh my gosh Mallowcup you have brought tears to my eyes.

I know what you mean about starting sentences with I'm sorry. I notice when others do it too. I am feeling like that a little right now in fact because I feel sorry that I've felt sorry! does that make sense? In other words I'm inclined to apologize for being so weak. I'm afraid my new guy has seen red flags in my behaviour and my instinct is to apologize!

You are absolutely right about Xabf (a's). I work with him and everyone pretty much hates him. He's incredibly rude to innocent people, eps women, even my mom!! Yet helps those who are like him. ie gives rides to men who have no license (lost to DUI's).
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Old 05-06-2007, 07:26 AM
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I have to laugh because I am thinking of the character that Annette Benning played in American Beauty (one of my famvorite movies). I loved the scene where she was preparing to show the house to buyers and didn't sell it. She cried and kept slapping her own face, Stop it! Stop It! Stop it! If you haven't seen that movie please do. It is a very interesting movie with regard to the roles we play. I also love when Kevin Spacey decides to redefine who he is. I think it's important to bring humor into the quirky heaps we have become. The good news is that it can all change and we are all just one brave decision away from having the life we want. Make a real effort to think before you speak, it works. You are a rose afraid to bloom, but go ahead, your are a beautiful person!
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Old 05-06-2007, 07:35 AM
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I have seen that movie and like it very much. Last time I saw it was with xabf and he found nothing in it he enjoyed. I think I should rent it since I have to return "the queen" today.

I have been trying very hard to hang back and hold back my instincts which are to cling to a man. Let the relationship unfold. There are times in intimate moments when I already feel so stripped of my armour that words fall out. If I continue with this man I will have to stop being sorry!! It's just that simple. He's assured me I'm fine, what more do I need but to convince myself? I hope I haven't ruined it already but all I can do today is learn and keep myself on the right track.
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Old 05-06-2007, 10:31 AM
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Originally Posted by sketscher View Post
. But I am aware that my recovery has barely begun.
I feel that way often, even after a year and a half. I've had to ask myself a number of times about getting involved with someone else. I have some great friendships with a few wonderful men but I've made a choice to continue the work on me outside of an exclusive relationship. I do see the light at the proverbial end much nearer now, but I'm still taking it slow. I do not want to work my recovery while also trying to establish a new relationship. It isn't fair to me or him.

As some who has followed your story, sketscher, on a personal note I'd love to see you stop beating yourself up over what you did in the past. I know nothing I say can make you feel differently about it, but have you considered, or done, one on one therapy? You're entitled to a good life just like everyone else on the planet! Take good care of you.

((()))
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Old 05-06-2007, 02:06 PM
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I have considered one on one therapy. I wish I knew of a counselor that was highly reccommended. I'd like someone like Dr. Phil . Not just someone who's got a degree but someone with a gift. I'm at the very least going to order some more books and KEEP THEM HIDDEN this time .

Thank you for saying that about beating myself up. In all honesty I don't think much about that time in my life. When xabf was still married. But whenever I mention my story on here I feel obligated to warn others that if they check into my past threads there is reason for them to dislike me and I accept that. When I first came out on here I was pretty beat up by a couple people and I guess I just try to diffuse that in advance and let others know that I do in fact know it WAS WRONG.

I could have changed my profile name on here to avoid that but I think my story offers another perspective to many. Especially since I know many women on here have had their spouse stray. If anyone reads this who's had that happen you should know the A's treat everyone with the same disregard eventually. I have no love left for xabf. Too bad his ex-wife couldn't read my stories, if she did and knew how he's been pursuing me even still I doubt she'd be on a trip with him this weekend.

ack...just thinking about him right now is turning my stomach.
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Old 05-06-2007, 08:53 PM
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why do you know so much about what your ex boyfriend is doing with his weekends?he is done--thats how you need to think and act--he is pursuing you? How? You need to detach.
you have a nice new man standing in front of you--don't let him get in the middle of that.
He was your boyfriend
you were not married
you have no children tgether
kick him to the curb and count your lucky stars...
Why should you care if he is seeing his ex? who cares?
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