Well, he's done it
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: oregon
Posts: 23
Well, he's done it
He came home drunk, after I had clearly told him that I would not live with that behavior anymore. He knew it would likely result in me and the kids leaving, and he did it anyway.
I am not surprised. No. A little sad, maybe. Mostly numb and in survival-mode. I had decided beforehand that if he came home drunk, I would call him a cab and send him to a hotel, but tonight, when faced with the situation, I froze.
I am a little disappointed in myself, but I think I did the right thing. Some instinct was telling me to lay low until he passed out, which took about 5 minutes, thankfully.
Now I am faced with the decision of whether to leave while he is asleep, wait until he wakes, and tell him Im leaving, or ask him to leave.
I don't want to leave. This is the kids home, and my home, though it hasn't felt like home in a long while. I have a prenatal appointment in two days, and my daughter has a dental appt in 4 days, and the place we would go is a couple hours away. I just don't know...I'm confused. I really don't want any ugliness, and I'm afraid no matter what I do, there will be ugliness on his part.
Could you guys please pray for me, that I make the right decisions, and stay strong for me and my children?
I am not surprised. No. A little sad, maybe. Mostly numb and in survival-mode. I had decided beforehand that if he came home drunk, I would call him a cab and send him to a hotel, but tonight, when faced with the situation, I froze.
I am a little disappointed in myself, but I think I did the right thing. Some instinct was telling me to lay low until he passed out, which took about 5 minutes, thankfully.
Now I am faced with the decision of whether to leave while he is asleep, wait until he wakes, and tell him Im leaving, or ask him to leave.
I don't want to leave. This is the kids home, and my home, though it hasn't felt like home in a long while. I have a prenatal appointment in two days, and my daughter has a dental appt in 4 days, and the place we would go is a couple hours away. I just don't know...I'm confused. I really don't want any ugliness, and I'm afraid no matter what I do, there will be ugliness on his part.
Could you guys please pray for me, that I make the right decisions, and stay strong for me and my children?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
(((crayzee))) take care of yourself and don't be too hard on yourself, either. The change you're thinking about making is huge; I often froze, too.
Keep us posted and try to get a good night's sleep.
Keep us posted and try to get a good night's sleep.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 157
Is there somewhere that he can go for a few days, a few weeks? A friend or families home? It sounds like you need a timeout to decide what you want to do. You have children involved, that always makes it more difficult. God bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: oregon
Posts: 23
Thanks guys. I tried to get him to leave a few weeks ago, and he keeps insisting he has nowhere. He could go to his Dad's, but he knows the rules are the same there. No alcohol, and no coming in drunk.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
He didn't get drunk again because you told him not to...he got
drunk because he is an alcoholic. The mental obsession and the
physical craving won over any good intentions he might have
had concerning his home life.
If he has not been violent..or abusive..verbally, emotionally..
you can confront him again...but it must be to get real help
in AA, detox...whatever the need is. And immediately.
If not, then you need to make plans ...see a lawyer...find a
safe place...whatever to keep yourself and your children from
harm.
My best to you,
And prayers.
Love,
:
Sherry
drunk because he is an alcoholic. The mental obsession and the
physical craving won over any good intentions he might have
had concerning his home life.
If he has not been violent..or abusive..verbally, emotionally..
you can confront him again...but it must be to get real help
in AA, detox...whatever the need is. And immediately.
If not, then you need to make plans ...see a lawyer...find a
safe place...whatever to keep yourself and your children from
harm.
My best to you,
And prayers.
Love,
:Sherry
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: oregon
Posts: 23
Thank you. Unfortunately, while drunk, he has been emotionally abusive to me and the kids, and we had an 'incident' a few weeks ago where he was yelling and up in my face and bashing in walls.
I feel I must tread lightly, to prevent anything similar, or worse from happening. I am scared that his rages will get worse, and he will hurt me or the kids, or my unborn child.
I feel so lost, and like I can't think straight in this situation, being in this home. I know (I think) the best thing is for me and the kids to be seperate from him, so we can live peacefully, and not have this chaos going on all the time. I have been doing laundry and packing for the last hour. I'm going to load up the car, and not think too much right now. My instincts tell me this is what I need to do.
I feel I must tread lightly, to prevent anything similar, or worse from happening. I am scared that his rages will get worse, and he will hurt me or the kids, or my unborn child.
I feel so lost, and like I can't think straight in this situation, being in this home. I know (I think) the best thing is for me and the kids to be seperate from him, so we can live peacefully, and not have this chaos going on all the time. I have been doing laundry and packing for the last hour. I'm going to load up the car, and not think too much right now. My instincts tell me this is what I need to do.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Keep listening to those instincts, crayzee.
Have you thought about calling the local women's shelter?
And have a look at the threads here in the sticky section of the site: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Good luck and stay safe, hon.
Have you thought about calling the local women's shelter?
And have a look at the threads here in the sticky section of the site: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Good luck and stay safe, hon.
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
I told my AH that he had to leave, this was the kids home and they were not going to change their lives because of him. Lucky for me mine left. I call a attorney and got a legal seperation and a temporary court order so the kids and I could stay in the home. I know that Oregon is not a comunitty property state, so I hope the house is in your name. Now if you rent then I think it would be okay for you and the kids to move out, find them a "new" home. But if you are unsure of what you want with your husband( a divorce) I would ask him to leave untill you both can figure out just what you want. There are so many emotions that go on when trying to make the right decision, stay calm keep focused and come here often, i have been right where you are. I was hastey and moved quickly but it was the right thing for me to do.
After all this blabber, I say call a attorney or a close friend (relative) any one who can help you close to home.
After all this blabber, I say call a attorney or a close friend (relative) any one who can help you close to home.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
So sorry to hear about your difficult situation. It is so tough with kids involved...it makes it so much harder to leave and you really don't want to take them out of their home.
I had to leave with the kids several times and stay in a hotel ... and when our relatives found out that we were forced to leave while my Ahusband stayed in our home...they were pretty upset with him, and let him know it. In some way, our families support helped to smooth the way in the future for him leaving and the kids and I staying. The kids had all their stuff, toys, games, videos at our home and their friends nearby .. and with all the upheaval, they needed to have familiar surroundings. Eventually I simply told my husband to leave for our children's sake if for no other reason...that exposing our children to the disruptive, chaotic, horrific behavior of alcoholism was very damaging and harmful ... and that until he could get sober, he could not stay here. Setting boundaries and enforcing them can be really, really tough, and I know it was not easy to get him to leave-there were many heated arguments ... but once he walked out that door, we could just feel the peace and serenity start to settle into our home again. Our lives once again became predictable and sane .. yes, there was always a certain level of uncertainty because with kids you cannot completely block the alcoholic parent out ...but it was an important step to regaining control over our lives.
Hopefully he will honor your request to leave ... and eventually get the help he needs to get sober.
I had to leave with the kids several times and stay in a hotel ... and when our relatives found out that we were forced to leave while my Ahusband stayed in our home...they were pretty upset with him, and let him know it. In some way, our families support helped to smooth the way in the future for him leaving and the kids and I staying. The kids had all their stuff, toys, games, videos at our home and their friends nearby .. and with all the upheaval, they needed to have familiar surroundings. Eventually I simply told my husband to leave for our children's sake if for no other reason...that exposing our children to the disruptive, chaotic, horrific behavior of alcoholism was very damaging and harmful ... and that until he could get sober, he could not stay here. Setting boundaries and enforcing them can be really, really tough, and I know it was not easy to get him to leave-there were many heated arguments ... but once he walked out that door, we could just feel the peace and serenity start to settle into our home again. Our lives once again became predictable and sane .. yes, there was always a certain level of uncertainty because with kids you cannot completely block the alcoholic parent out ...but it was an important step to regaining control over our lives.
Hopefully he will honor your request to leave ... and eventually get the help he needs to get sober.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Hang in there, crayzee. Talking to an attorney is a good idea, whether you do it before or after you leave. Stay safe. I've learned over the last year and a half that things really do work out for the best as long as I'm proactive for my own well-being (and in your case, your children).
Thinking of you. ((()))
Thinking of you. ((()))
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
I feel for you crazyee , I really do .. I too was pregnant when things were unraveling with 3 other kids to worry about . When I told my ah not to come home he said he had no place to go , I told him to go to rehab . He did , three days later I gave birth to our daughter .
She just turned one yesterday . Its been quite a year . Ah was in & out of rehab throughout all of it . He was just discharged from rehab #4 and is living with his mother. It took awhile but he seems to be doing well now . Only time , and what we do in that time , can tell what the future holds . With the help of both our familys and State Disability I did manage to keep our house and keep up with our bills which was a true blessing .
Looking back now I cannot believe how far I have come emotionally and mentally . I learned a great deal about alcoholics and co-dependents from this site and it has made me realize many things about my ah and about myself .
If you asked me last year where I thought I would be in a year I would never have guessed that I would be doing so well .
Lots of luck to you , I know its hard with the kids but they have a great mom , one that has their best interests at heart , they will be fine . My kids are great !
She just turned one yesterday . Its been quite a year . Ah was in & out of rehab throughout all of it . He was just discharged from rehab #4 and is living with his mother. It took awhile but he seems to be doing well now . Only time , and what we do in that time , can tell what the future holds . With the help of both our familys and State Disability I did manage to keep our house and keep up with our bills which was a true blessing .
Looking back now I cannot believe how far I have come emotionally and mentally . I learned a great deal about alcoholics and co-dependents from this site and it has made me realize many things about my ah and about myself .
If you asked me last year where I thought I would be in a year I would never have guessed that I would be doing so well .
Lots of luck to you , I know its hard with the kids but they have a great mom , one that has their best interests at heart , they will be fine . My kids are great !
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
OK here goes--this posts is killing me--3 kids and a baby on the way and he is drunk and smashing walls in?I am going to tell you--My EXAH physically and mentally abused me the entire time I was pregnant. It was a micicle my son was even born or that I am still alive, I was 21 then. My gut told me to ''go home'' to my family--my pride and embarasment wouldn't let me.
Now at 49 I look back and see that I should have done what my gut told me to.
In the end I did leave to a womans shelter than to my family before going out on my own.
But I see now--I put my life and the life of my unborn child at
risk .....yes I left my house-all my belongings-all my dreams behind-left with nothing but the clothes on our backs....
I NEVER EVER regretted it---I should have done it sooner--when I was pregnant!!! PLEASE--be safe--!!!
Now at 49 I look back and see that I should have done what my gut told me to.
In the end I did leave to a womans shelter than to my family before going out on my own.
But I see now--I put my life and the life of my unborn child at
risk .....yes I left my house-all my belongings-all my dreams behind-left with nothing but the clothes on our backs....
I NEVER EVER regretted it---I should have done it sooner--when I was pregnant!!! PLEASE--be safe--!!!
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