flwrchld

I seem to do alot of thinking out loud, so why not do it here! You all offer great advice and have helped me alot just the few times I have been on here. So here I go. I am having problems not only with my life with a AH, but my son is having problems with my AH, which is his Dad. I never see them do anything together except maybe sit down and watch a TV show together, then not too long into it my son comes into whatever room I am in and says "Well its time for me to leave he is being an ASS again", what is a Mom to say to this, I have no control over it, and neither does my son. We have spoken about my husbands addictions and I even told him that his Dad was in a rehab for 28 days before we got married, but also while I was carrying our son. My son asked his Dad about this and my husband became very angry with me and accused me of trying to ruin his sons relationship with him. They never "talk", nor have they played together, my son is rather heavy and he is always commenting (even in public) about his weight and how he is lazy, and will end up driving a trash truck instead of being a pro football player like he wants to be, and is making a very good stab at, I might add. My husband is humiliating and degrading to my son. I feel so helpless and guilty about not doing something about this. My son will graduate high school next May. I feel he will turn out ok, but he has so much HATE for his Dad, do you think there is anything I could do or say to help this kid?????

Astro

I guess I can relate to this a little, flwr. I love my father, have so much respect for him, but he was rarely around when I was a kid, and when he was he drank and fought with my mother. He wasn't around much because he was always working and going to school to support his family, I'm grateful for that. But still, it would've been nice to see him at my Little League games.

My mom was always there for me and my brothers, and that's what I'd suggest to you. Children always remember the time with their parents, so I'd say lead by example. You know you can't change your AH's mind, just do the best you can and maybe he'll open his eyes someday.

I've got joint custody of my kids, and I try to fill up our time together with activities, always reminding myself that my children don't belong to me, they're a loan from God for a very short period of time. And I always remember these words from that old song..........

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

flwrchld

Very true "Astro" I just worry for my sons future, my husband is so awful to him sometimes. I explain to my son that his Dad has problems and thinks he is the center of the universe. I tell my son to do what he needs for himself, don't worry about his Dad when he gets crazy, belligerant, hateful, and hurtful. I tell him to not get angry at the world, take it out the football field or the workout bench, or something that the kid can relate to, I guess I feel helpless. Its like my husband tries to belittle my sons manhood. He is nearly 18 and very much the size of a full grown man. Sometimes I just want to shut my husband up in a box and put him in the attic, not litteraly just......in thought. The sad thing is, my son is very plesant, funny, loves life, has loads of friends, inolved in everything. My husband should be proud, not just tell people that he is, then behind closed door that very same night tell him how worthless he is.

dollydo

Yes, stand up and do something positive for your children. Your husband is abusing them too, and your are just sitting there watching the chaos, and then trying to play catch up.

If you ever take control of you, you will then be able to help your son, until then nothing will change. You are the pivot point to making a change in the family dynamics.

The ball is in your court, what are you going to do? What is your plan to make your family healthy?

I do not mean to sound harsh, but, it's time for you to do something, anything.

Are you going to meetings? Have you seen a therapist?

I care, your children must be your first priorty, they are innocent victims of this insanity.

Astro

flwr, do you and your son attend Al-Anon or Families Anonymous meetings together or separately? You're not alone in this, and it might help both of you to hear and talk to people with similar experiences.

You're definitely not helpless. The fact that you're posting, asking questions, and reaching out is an indication of your strength and a need for understanding and recovery.

Seeking Wisdom

If it makes you feel any better, I think many teenagers at times say they "hate" their parents regardless ... however, I have 2 teenage sons and I worried all the time about what impact their dad's abusive alcoholic behavior would have on them. When their dad was being obnoxious and offensive ... I would talk to my sons and let them know that his behavior was the result of alcoholism. They also knew I had zero tolerance for the situation. I also felt it was important they understand how this addiction can destroy someone's life. Sometimes seeing how horrible it is first hand, can be a great deterrent ..especially if it is not covered up and sugar coated. That is also one of the reason's I felt it was important that their dad not live here, so they realized that if they chose to drink excessively ..they were not going to have a happy home life when they grew up. Both my sons seem to be doing well .. they seem like secure focused young men .. with one getting a 4.0 grade average in college. This is in spite of the fact their dad was continually critical and negative around them. I just hope they keep doing well.

Interesting observation ...I have noticed in both my husband's family and in mine... that alcoholism missed the next generation in 3 separate situations. My husband's grandfather was an alcoholic but neither of his children were alcoholics ...but my husband, his grandson, never had any personal exposure to alcohol's effects and never met him. My maternal grandmother was an alcoholic, but neither of her children were alcoholics, my father was an alcoholic, but neither my brother or I had any problems with addiction. I have wondered many times if seeing the damage first hand ...and not trying to cover up how destructive it is .. if that didn't have some effect on deterring alcohol abuse in the next generation.

My sons lost a lot of respect for their dad .. and at times acted like they hated him, however, when their father passed away, they both felt sincere remorse over his loss. I just keep telling them that the confused sickly man was not who their dad really was .. that is what alcohol addiction turned him into.

Sunflower

How awful for your Son!!!To have his own Father talk to him like that!BIG time scars are going to be left behind.Try Alanon or even family sessions with a professional for you and your son.Even your priest/pastor if you are religious.You need help for the 3 of you.
Sounds like you have been going thru all this for a long time now--time to get help so you don't have to do it alone.
You can ''talk outloud here all you want--it will help.

flwrchld

I will continue to talk here, it does help, I do talk with my son and my daughter both very openly about his drinking, and alot more especially since they are old enough to know what I am talking about when I say he is drunk, when they were younger I would try to hide it or just leave and do something with them to get them away from him. He now goes other places when drunk and high, it is not usually the case for him to get wasted at home, thankfully. The problem with that is that he doesn't come home till usually the next day. I do not argue with him about this anymore, I do though make sure my kids know that a normal family should not do this. When a man and woman marry, they are commited to each other and respect one another, we have talked about this with each other in length. I feel my son will turn out to be a very good and loyal husband when married from what he has expressed to me as wrong behavior on my husbands part. Oddly enough he sounds as if he is actually learning something from this. I do tell him to have fun during his younger years so when he finds the one woman for him, he will be a more commited husband. He is very smart and so is my daughter, I just feel that they were cheated to have to grow up with this situation. But God blessed me with two kids who are mature beyond their years, and I do feel that they will do well in the future if I stay strong and show them, point out to them NOT what to do in married life. I try to let them know the circumstances of drinking and driving. They both have already been offered drugs and will not tolerate that among their friends either. That makes me especially proud of them. I constantly battle my ability as a parent ( as all parents do I guess) and do feel that I could have let things get way out of line. As I get older I have gotten bolder, and with that I am now questioning my reasoning for staying with their Dad. The kids and I have talked about that as well. I don't keep all this inside from my children, I do communicate with them, as much as they will listen.

Sunflower

You are a good mother--never doubt that--we have children--we bring them into this world --it is our responcibility to care for them---they don't come with handbooks! You have done the best you can so far in a bad situation.Don't beat yourself up with''what you could have should have done''it's all in the past a done deal...just keep moving forward---sounds like you have terrific kids so you must have done good by them!!

flwrchld

Not really looking for any compliments "Sunflower" but thank you, I am looking for strength, I am , or should I say a submissive person, and fighting hard to overcome that so that my daughter does not turn out that way, so far she is 11 yrs old and a real pistol, I am proud to know she will not get run over in life. Should of , Would of, and Could of, are part of my vocabulary that I am trying to get rid of. There are those baby step, but at least they are steps in the right direction. I will take what all of you have to say and try to put it to some kind of use. Thank you, I really does help to talk on here, I really didn't think it would, but now I find comfort and strength in the ability to talk without being judged. That allows me to make my mind up on my own. Kids do give us strength that we never knew we had. I am thankful for them, and I do tell them as much as I can.

Sunflower

Stay Strong!!!

newenglandgirl

(((Flwrchld))).

I am almost in my mid-30s and, still, after all these years, I have not gotten over my mother not protecting me against my father. Believe it or not, I now have a good relationship with them both...but I still hold resentment towards my mother for not doing what she was supposed to and, moreover, for never apologizing to me or even recognizing that she wasn't there for me when I needed her most. I guess the reason I'm telling you this is because it's never too late to show your kids that you are willing to protect them and come to their "rescue". It sounds like you really communicate freely with your kids (so great!)...but never under estimate the power of admiting your faults to them (being totally human) and affirming that their feelings are very valid.

Seeking Wisdom

flwrchld

It sounds like your children are doing great ... and you should be so proud as it is so hard to be the sober parent raising kids with an alcoholic parent. You seem to be doing everything very well and your kids are lucky to have a mom like you. One of the things that always haunted me once I realized my husband was an alcoholic, was how it would affect my kids now and in the future ... I knew there was no perfect solution, and I knew I could not compensate for everything my husband did wrong, all I could do was the best I could under very difficult circumstances ... and hope my children would understand and not repeat the mistakes their father made.

minnie

I always suggest that actions speak louder than words, and that goes for everyone, not just the drinker.