Money problems?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Money problems?
Does anyone else have money problems due to their A's drinking too much?
My A has started drinking more....any small amount of spare cash we had has gone, after the bills are paid and the food bought I have nothing left to call my own, literally nothing. He spends upwards of £60 a week on drink and cigerettes (ok, he buys cheap alcohol but it's still alot of money)
I even had to go without milk for two days last week because there was only enough money left for his alcohol until we got paid again.
I don't know what to do....Any attempts to discuss it with him end up in arguments....like we've just had *sigh*
My A has started drinking more....any small amount of spare cash we had has gone, after the bills are paid and the food bought I have nothing left to call my own, literally nothing. He spends upwards of £60 a week on drink and cigerettes (ok, he buys cheap alcohol but it's still alot of money)
I even had to go without milk for two days last week because there was only enough money left for his alcohol until we got paid again.
I don't know what to do....Any attempts to discuss it with him end up in arguments....like we've just had *sigh*
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
"Does anyone else have money problems due to their A's drinking too much?"
Yes. Big money problems. I opened a bank account in my name to which he has absolutely no access - There is actually a note on my account with the bank to not give him any information/access to the account under any circumstances! It is MY money from MY job (he recently lost his job due to drinking, which just adds to our financial problems!)
I'll be damned if I'll go hungry or not pay my electric bill because of his drinking.
Yes. Big money problems. I opened a bank account in my name to which he has absolutely no access - There is actually a note on my account with the bank to not give him any information/access to the account under any circumstances! It is MY money from MY job (he recently lost his job due to drinking, which just adds to our financial problems!)
I'll be damned if I'll go hungry or not pay my electric bill because of his drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
My A is on incapacity benefit.
I was working until recently but had to leave as I was signed off by my doctor, so now I'm on benefits for the time being..Thing is, because we're both now on benefits we have to claim together and all the money goes into one account in one payment....that covers the food and bills but he's spending my other benefits on drink...
I used to just put all the money into one pot and we take what we need but because he's drinking more, there's never anything left....
I guess I need to just take what's mine, but then he won't have enough to cover his costs...It's hard to seperate stuff when it's always been altogether...
We just had a fight over money, because I said we didn't have enough to buy him take out food....he wanted to spend his drink money on a takeaway and then put the money he'd spent back out of money I had put aside for bills...So we had murder and he took the last £20 we had and has disappeared, probably to the pub....
The £20 was his alcohol money for the next few days....he's prolly gonna spend it all and then he'll want the money we get tomorrow (which is already spent on summat else) to keep him going..
When I told him we couldnt afford it, he said he'd just phone his mum and ask her to send him some money...I told him he was 35, he shouldn't be begging off him mum and he flipped, took the money we had left and walked out.
If I tell him I want half the money that is left I don;t know what will happen, but I know one thing for sure, he wouldn't be able to afford to drink like he has been doing..
I'm finding it really hard to be strong and stand up for what's mine at the mo.
I was working until recently but had to leave as I was signed off by my doctor, so now I'm on benefits for the time being..Thing is, because we're both now on benefits we have to claim together and all the money goes into one account in one payment....that covers the food and bills but he's spending my other benefits on drink...
I used to just put all the money into one pot and we take what we need but because he's drinking more, there's never anything left....
I guess I need to just take what's mine, but then he won't have enough to cover his costs...It's hard to seperate stuff when it's always been altogether...
We just had a fight over money, because I said we didn't have enough to buy him take out food....he wanted to spend his drink money on a takeaway and then put the money he'd spent back out of money I had put aside for bills...So we had murder and he took the last £20 we had and has disappeared, probably to the pub....
The £20 was his alcohol money for the next few days....he's prolly gonna spend it all and then he'll want the money we get tomorrow (which is already spent on summat else) to keep him going..
When I told him we couldnt afford it, he said he'd just phone his mum and ask her to send him some money...I told him he was 35, he shouldn't be begging off him mum and he flipped, took the money we had left and walked out.
If I tell him I want half the money that is left I don;t know what will happen, but I know one thing for sure, he wouldn't be able to afford to drink like he has been doing..
I'm finding it really hard to be strong and stand up for what's mine at the mo.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
To put it simply .... YES, BIG TIME.
Directly or indirectly .. such as not being able to work, making poor money and business decisions, having to keep separate households, the lawyer and court costs for public intoxication and a DUI, medical bills for alcohol related health problems ... on top of the cost of alcohol .... it has cost our family a fortune over the years. He would also spend money for his own selfish needs when I told him I had trouble finding money to buy food for our kids. It has probably cost our family over $150,000 in expenses in the last ten years that we wouldn't have had if he had been sober.
Directly or indirectly .. such as not being able to work, making poor money and business decisions, having to keep separate households, the lawyer and court costs for public intoxication and a DUI, medical bills for alcohol related health problems ... on top of the cost of alcohol .... it has cost our family a fortune over the years. He would also spend money for his own selfish needs when I told him I had trouble finding money to buy food for our kids. It has probably cost our family over $150,000 in expenses in the last ten years that we wouldn't have had if he had been sober.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Selfish, self-center, & self-seeking - the disease of alcoholism - especially when it comes to money. That is my understanding of the way this disease affects my loved ones.
In working on learning to take care of me, I learned that it was ok to say "NO". And even tho we are a married couple, we have no joint accounts, no joint money, etc.
When their money is gone it's gone - I'm not responsible to provide money for their drinking/using or any other thing . I am deserving of having the peace of mind to not have to worry about the check for the electric bill bouncing because they took the last $100 out of the account, because they really, really needed it. Not my problem.
Can you see if you can have a seperate account? Have a seperate "safe" place to keep your cash money? It is ok to take care of you. You are worthy of that peace of mind.
Wishing you peace,
Rita
In working on learning to take care of me, I learned that it was ok to say "NO". And even tho we are a married couple, we have no joint accounts, no joint money, etc.
When their money is gone it's gone - I'm not responsible to provide money for their drinking/using or any other thing . I am deserving of having the peace of mind to not have to worry about the check for the electric bill bouncing because they took the last $100 out of the account, because they really, really needed it. Not my problem.
Can you see if you can have a seperate account? Have a seperate "safe" place to keep your cash money? It is ok to take care of you. You are worthy of that peace of mind.
Wishing you peace,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I don't know if you have this in the U.K., but can you arrange something with the bank that every time a deposit is made a percentage, 5 or 10%, goes into a separate savings account automatically?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,047
I was very high functioning, but can understand how an alcoholic could create financial ruin very quickly. My ex and I both had good careers, but as my disease progressed I was looking for ways to bump up my spending on booze. I was using my budget to buy less groceries than usual, and I was avoiding doing anything together as a family that might cost money, unless it involved drinking of course. And I can understand the cheaper booze too. For me it became about quantity, not quality. Why drink Guinness and Absolute when you can get three times the amount of Schlitz and Popov for the same price?
It's my experience that alcoholics aren't stupid, we're crafty, ingenious, and manipulative. Where there's a will, there's a way, and if we can't afford it we'll steal it.
It's my experience that alcoholics aren't stupid, we're crafty, ingenious, and manipulative. Where there's a will, there's a way, and if we can't afford it we'll steal it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I've been talking to my mum about it....she's said I can give any money to her and she'll put it away for me for when I need it. That's what I'm going to do I think.
There's no point in discussing it because he just wants what he needs and bugger what the rest of us need.
So I'm just gonna take a percentage out for myself. The account is in my name but he has the pin number and we share the card...I'm thinking about changing th pin number, or just withdrawing a small amount everytime we get paid and putting it aside without even telling him. It's a pity I have to go to these lengths...I don't like secrets, but if that's what it takes to buy myself something once in a while and have something to fall back on then so be it.
The thing that annoys me though is if he needs money he'll just phone his mum and ask her for some and she'll send it in the post for him...so doesn't matter, either way he never goes without because she's there to bail him out all the time. Feels like whats the point in me not enabling him by taking money for myself and leaving him with less if she's going to top it up...I said that to my mum, she said the point is then you get something and you can save up slowly to buy things that you might need instead of going without...
I just wish his mum wouldn't bail him out....He spent the last of his money in the pub, came home and went to bed. So now he has no money for alcohol for the next few days, but she'll give it to him, so he'll never learn...It's so frustrating!
Detach...detach...detach!!
Edit - Minnie, I don't know what my deal breaker is yet...Hopefully I'll know soon, I actually want to reach my bottom, patience isn't always a virtue.
There's no point in discussing it because he just wants what he needs and bugger what the rest of us need.
So I'm just gonna take a percentage out for myself. The account is in my name but he has the pin number and we share the card...I'm thinking about changing th pin number, or just withdrawing a small amount everytime we get paid and putting it aside without even telling him. It's a pity I have to go to these lengths...I don't like secrets, but if that's what it takes to buy myself something once in a while and have something to fall back on then so be it.
The thing that annoys me though is if he needs money he'll just phone his mum and ask her for some and she'll send it in the post for him...so doesn't matter, either way he never goes without because she's there to bail him out all the time. Feels like whats the point in me not enabling him by taking money for myself and leaving him with less if she's going to top it up...I said that to my mum, she said the point is then you get something and you can save up slowly to buy things that you might need instead of going without...
I just wish his mum wouldn't bail him out....He spent the last of his money in the pub, came home and went to bed. So now he has no money for alcohol for the next few days, but she'll give it to him, so he'll never learn...It's so frustrating!
Detach...detach...detach!!
Edit - Minnie, I don't know what my deal breaker is yet...Hopefully I'll know soon, I actually want to reach my bottom, patience isn't always a virtue.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Get prepared for worse. Get your own bank account, credit card, and a P.O.Box to send the statement's to.
Get your name of any joint accounts. Be ready to take care of yourself. That way when you have finally decided you have had enough, kick him out the door.
Get your name of any joint accounts. Be ready to take care of yourself. That way when you have finally decided you have had enough, kick him out the door.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: far far away
Posts: 26
No, fortunately, I don't have money problems. It is my house and land and when he left, he moved back into his own cottage. He is functioning and holds a job and I get more alimony from him every week than I am legally entitled to (long may it last), he drinks the rest....
Plus, I work and make my own money. He doesn't even have a bank account as he gets paid in cash/cheques and sees no need to have one. I have always kept our finances separate even when he was sober, I have no idea why I did that as I didn't in previous relationships...
Plus, I work and make my own money. He doesn't even have a bank account as he gets paid in cash/cheques and sees no need to have one. I have always kept our finances separate even when he was sober, I have no idea why I did that as I didn't in previous relationships...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
From my personal experience, I've never known an A who doesn't have money problems. Actually, I did know one A who didn't have problems, but his wife kept tight control of their income and spending. He went along with it, so in that one case there weren't problems.
However .... having been married to two A's, I can tell you that if there aren't real money problems, eventually they'll start complaining about money (or something else anyway). In our western societies, money equates to far more than money. Money is power. Money is prestige. Money is all about control. Bottom line: control issues. Who has it? Who spends it? Who abuses it? Who ... well, you get the picture.
Take a portion of the money and have it placed in an account in your mother's name. When you have spare change, such as any coins laying around, put them in the account. It will add up. Arguments over money are rarely over money. Like I said, it's about control.
I came up with a plan when my AH was barely giving me enough money to get by. I was a student and not working; however, presently I am seeking employment so I can be financially free of him. I threw my change and his in a can in my pantry. After the can was halfway full, I'd take it to the change machine at the grocery store. Then I'd get cash for the coins. I'd put it in my savings account. That was how I managed to get by for quite awhile. Pathetic, but true.
However .... having been married to two A's, I can tell you that if there aren't real money problems, eventually they'll start complaining about money (or something else anyway). In our western societies, money equates to far more than money. Money is power. Money is prestige. Money is all about control. Bottom line: control issues. Who has it? Who spends it? Who abuses it? Who ... well, you get the picture.
Take a portion of the money and have it placed in an account in your mother's name. When you have spare change, such as any coins laying around, put them in the account. It will add up. Arguments over money are rarely over money. Like I said, it's about control.
I came up with a plan when my AH was barely giving me enough money to get by. I was a student and not working; however, presently I am seeking employment so I can be financially free of him. I threw my change and his in a can in my pantry. After the can was halfway full, I'd take it to the change machine at the grocery store. Then I'd get cash for the coins. I'd put it in my savings account. That was how I managed to get by for quite awhile. Pathetic, but true.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: far far away
Posts: 26
In case you meant me (it's late and I need to go to bed). No, he does not live with me, I asked him to leave about a year ago and he moved back into his own house. But even when we lived together (in my house) I kept our finances seperate as he doesn't even have a bank account etc. I have never been financially dependant on him as I have always worked - before and after our split up..
He is not allowed to see our son but he pays child support to me every week. I apologize if my post caused you confusion, English is not my first language.
He is not allowed to see our son but he pays child support to me every week. I apologize if my post caused you confusion, English is not my first language.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Perhaps you could start looking at "WE" as you and your daughter for the time being whilst you are on benefits. Do you not have a responsibility to her rather than to his addiction?
What are you most scared of when you think about standing up to him?
What are you most scared of when you think about standing up to him?
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