it is getting very difficult
 

hello all,

felt this urge to post, really have no one to speak with about this.

i have 2 A in-laws. when we discovered they were still drinking in front of our children (despite many pleadings for them not to do so, and after all of the promises they wouldnt anymore) and smoking in the room with them, and even giving one of my 13 year old girls cigarettes (was 12 at the time), we stopped letting them visit overnight without us being there.

it has been 7.5 months, and we have been thru alot of anger with them (directed mainly at me). her mom has been to 1 psychologist meeting, and now everyone in my house hates me and is mad at me for not being ready to give in and let the kids go and spend the night unattended again.

it was just 2 weeks ago that they started even coming back over to our house, they didnt feel welcome they said because of me, for making this stand.

there is an awful lot more background to this, as i have posted before on here.

her step father still refuses to seek help, and i wonder how effective a psychologist is at treating alcoholism?

im at my wit's end, i cant handle much more screaming, yelling, and cursing. but i WILL NOT give in to manipulation again, that has only made it worse. they are both very manipulative, and everytime her mom has been around me, she starts pleading and whispering in my ear how she will never do anything bad in front of them again, just begging me to let them stay with them.

i see it for what it is, but my wife has been in it all of her life, so she doesnt understand what is going on.

thanks for listening.

rusty

(((rusty)))

I don't know your story too well, but it sounds to me like you are reaching your breaking point - hopefully your wife is trying to educating herself and going to al-anon for support?

no, we went to counseling twice, and the counselor said we were on the right track, to keep it up, but now my wife says she doesnt believe her, and doesnt trust her. also, i have asked her to come on here for support also, but she will not, as of yet.

i love my wife, but cannot take much more. i feel helpless.

the idea of aa to my wife or in laws is alien to them, there is no way, i dont think.

Bottom line is that they are YOUR kids.
The in laws do not respect what you say, then the heck with them.

Now your wife on the other hand is sticking up for her parents.

She should really be behind you.
You can not make anyone go to AA.

But your wife should look into ALanon

Rusty, you are doing the right thing. Protect your children first. Doesnt matter what the inlaws say. Believe in yourself and this will guide you. What are your children saying about all of this. Does it matter to them? If it doesnt, you have nothing to worry about. The inlaws need to be the adults and if they cant do the right thing around the children, so be it.

one of my 13 year old girls says she hates me over all of this. i try to explain that i didnt put them in this situation, and i cant help the situation.

they let her do alot of things they shouldnt have over there, smoke, drive, etc. she was 12 and 13 years old at the time. so, to her, im just being mean. she has been to the same counselor, but now that her mother has discredited the counselor, im sure my 13 year old will, as well.

the health and safety of the children first. blessings, k

Rusty ((hugs)).... maybe you can get yourself to about 6 Alanon meetings.

This is an issue of power and control.... as are most of MY issues that got me into Alanon - trying to control people, places and things.

You might find some excellent support and resources there.

((hugs))

Is there any chance your wife would agree to a different therapist? Maybe if she hears the same thing again from a different therapist, she will somehow reconsider. I know that's a pain for you.

I know you already know this, and I'm not even a parent so I shouldn't say anything, but sometimes your kids will "hate" you because you're doing what's best for them. I know it's got to be hard to have them mad at you. In fact, I can't imagine, but you are doing the right thing for them, and it's got to be difficult for you to not have anyone understand that. ((()))

Rusty - You are in a tough spot but I agree with everyone here....stay the course...
Your wife hopefully will educate herself and then she will see....

Stay Strong!

Whatever happened to those wedding vows that say a man and woman shall leave their parents and cleave to one another and become one? Yes, we are to honor our parents (that doesn't mean we go along with this sort of b.s.), but we are to make our marriage partner take priority once we leave mommy and daddy's "nest."

Blood is thicker than water - phooey! I'd like to know just how your wife justifies what her parents is doing as okay. How does she justify having her 13 year old daughter smoking a cigarette and driving a car? I'd really like to have the answers to these questions because I think it would shed some light on what is going on here. Does your wife drink and smoke? Does your wife ever drink to excess? Is she easily manipulated by the two alcoholics she has for parents?

I hope you respond to this because I'm really interested to hear her justifications for this outrageous stuff. Yeah, you are the bad guy but you are THE RIGHT GUY. What you are doing is right. What they are doing is wrong. And you are hearing that from a "grey" thinker who doesn't often think in black-and-white.

One more question...
 

You mentioned in your first post that your wife "does not know what is going on." Are you saying that she sees and experiences both of her parents as getting drunk and being A's and she doesn't realize that this is addictive behavior??? That is why I wondered if your wife is drinking along with them. I can't imagine why your wife would want to be around her parents and their bad habits unless she, too, is joining in at their "party."

Yes Im with Prodigal here.
Your wife should be backing you up.
Hold your ground , put that foot down and keep it there.

Rusty, I have three children well over this age. Believe me - at 13 or so they will play you. Emotional game play. You dont love me, I dont love you. blah blah blah.. Stick to your ground and they will thank you later on ....believe me. They need someone structured and stable at this tender age. Have consequences and tell them your belief's , that what they are doing is so terribly irresponsible and you have to look out for them because you dont want bad things happening to them. They will grumble, so what..... be strict and loving at the same time. A calm voice and a hug will do.