went to dinner w/ah & kids tnght .

Old 05-02-2007, 07:31 PM
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went to dinner w/ah & kids tnght .

Ah was discharged from rehab on Monday and is living with his mom & step dad about 1 1/2 hrs away . He is very concerned about not getting to see the kids often enough . Kind of ironic considering how often he saw them when he was drinking ... hardly ever ! So I agreed to meet him for dinner tonight . It actually went very well .

The few times that I spoke to him while he was in rehab he sounded the same way he did all the other times before , very determined , very remorseful , crying alot . He was that way tonight as well . He cried when he first saw the kids . I caught him staring at the baby (she will be 1 on Sat and he pretty much missed her whole life so far) a few times with tears in his eyes . The kids were thrilled to see him and our oldest cried a bit in the beginning and the end , we talked on the way home and they all said they miss him .

He left at about 7:10 to go to an 8:00 meeting and talked alot about all the people he has met including his sponsor . He also said he was looking forward to doing the steps this time since he had never done them before . So far things sound great but I know better than to jump in with two feet . I have hope for him and for his life , however I have to be sure he can stand on his own two feet in his sobriety before I can expect him to be part of our family again .

The one thing that is completely different about him is how he is no longer putting himself first . Forever things were always about him . He would complain to me that I would make the kids lunch for school but never make his lunch for work . This was so absurd to me that I would get myself so worked up every time he mentioned it (which was Mon - Fri!) . If I explained to him that our 5 yr old (at the time) couldnt make his own lunch , he would huff & puff and say things like 'its always about them isnt it' . It was like he was jealous of anyone else that got my attention . Now he is saying things like 'I dont think I should come around the house for a long time , I dont want to get the kids hopes up' or 'Maybe the kids can sleep at my moms on Friday nights with me and you can get a break' (That one really threw me) . It was almost like he was human .

Has anybody experienced this kind of change so soon after rehab or quitting ? Again , I'm not going to read into it too much but I would love to hear from recovering As (Taz .. Golfman .. socalgal .. laurie .. satit .. are you there? hee) Does the selfishness just melt away or should I expect it back and with a vengence ??
Does this question even make sense or have an answer ???
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Old 05-02-2007, 07:49 PM
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From my perspective where I am dealing with an AH who claims to be sober and did all 12 steps in one month, and is still selfish, cold, and mean...
it sounds like your AH is on the right track, good for him!!! and good for you and kids too, but you're right, take it slow and be cautious...
The kindness and compassion he is showing is amazing, I've yet to see anything even close to that, so congrats on being able to see a real person sitting across from you at the table, what a great, and probably scary, feeling that must have been!
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Old 05-02-2007, 08:07 PM
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When my husband started going to AA, the selfishness still continued .. and it seemed he always had a problem with it, even when he was at his best. I suggested to him many times that the day he started focusing on the well being of those around him instead of himself, he would be turning the corner in the right direction.

The behavior you describe does sound very positive and uplifting. Sometimes sincere kindness and compassion can make a world of difference.
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Old 05-02-2007, 08:14 PM
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You're on the right track LGLG.

common for people to be all up-pady, or on a pink cloud.
Nothing wrong with it, we all need some sunshine in our lives.
Plenty of work still ahead tho.

Live the good times and enjoy it ,experince it.
Remember it for the hard times to get you through.

I still have my boundaries. I just take it oneday at a time.
My focus still remains on me. I can be aware and cautious,
but never envious of her happiness.

The 12 steps is a life time commitment. I still work my steps since 1992.
The only different in my codi and alki steps are the wordings in step #1
To me it's just peeling layers.
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Old 05-02-2007, 08:23 PM
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hi sugarpup, i just read through your thread . thank you for your kind words . I have to tell you though , it wasnt always this way . Its actually one year ago today that my ah went into his first rehab , while he was there I delivered a baby by c-section . she was our 4th but my first c-section . It was a horrible recovery and I depended on my friends & neighbors to help me with my other 3 kids with school and dinner and their other activitys . It was incredibly humbling and very uncomfortable for me since Im not big on accepting help (Im used to giving it) . The nghts were the worst since I was nursing , getting in & out of bed every 2 hrs was almost unbearable with nobody there to help me . Ah came home on a Thurs , was mean as could be , slept on the couch and left the next day at 10 am to go to his uncles and didnt return home until 11 pm .. I couldnt believe it ! He barely looked at the baby .
The next two times werent as bad but like Seeking said , he never really lost the chip on his shoulder , still acted like he wasnt as bad as I made him out to be .

This time is different , he seems very sincere and hes agreeing with me on everything which is the strangest thing of all . Again , not getting hopes up but will take it while it lasts .

I hope for you that it turns for the better too . Im not so sure that after that short of time in AA he really could of learned anything . Maybe he can be urged to go back. Dont let him make you feel like you are crazy because you arent .. you have every right to want and long for some remorse and sincere apologys, just dont base your life on it . That would be giving him way to much power over you and the only person to have power over you should be you !

(())s to you !
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Old 05-02-2007, 08:24 PM
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It sounds great to me, one day at a time. I'm happy for all of you. Keep working on you as he works on him and maybe someday there will be a future. Wouldn't that be great? I believe in my heart that it can happen.
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Old 05-02-2007, 08:28 PM
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Thanks Satit !
It is so drilled in my head to make moves to benefit me and not base my actions on what I think his reaction will be . (I must be learning something here! wink!)
It comes very naturally now to think of myself and the kids and hes very agreeable to every boundary I have set .
He hugged me goodbye and whispered in my ear that he was so sorry for doing this to our family and he was crying . I was able to hug him back and tell him I was proud of him and to hang in there , then I left . Normally I would of buckled, cried and probably begged him to come home ! I didnt even feel guilty , I felt good , content .
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Old 05-02-2007, 08:32 PM
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Thank you Kermie , I believe that too !
Seeking , I value your opinion so much , I think theres a physical and mental recovery when it comes to alcoholism and I dont think my ah made the connection , until hopefully now . It stinks when they dont make it because its makes you wonder whats going on .. they quite drinking , everything should be fine .. it only it were that easy
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Old 05-03-2007, 03:42 AM
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Hi lglgo7, That is a loaded question. Some of the things he is doing, remind me of me.

It does sound like he got it this time...My S/O could sit down with you and probably have an interesting conversation. We talk allot about our recovery as a couple..we talk about addiction, and the trickyness of it, and the fact that is is the number one thief in the world. It's stolen more loves, lives, and families than any other illness in our world........

I'm glad your husband is on the road, and if he falls off, I hope he jumps right back on.....

hugs, hope3
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Old 05-03-2007, 05:01 AM
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LGLG - you sound very strong...and wary at the same time...I think that is wise knowing what you know. I can only imagine how it must make your heart sing to hear those things from your AH...and hard it must be to also feel like you must guard yourself against further heartbreak.

But you sound right on track! You know you can't control your AH's recovery, and so you're doing what you have to do to protect you and the kids. Right on.

How sweet to have that apology whispered in your ear. It sounded very sincere and tender. How wonderful to have these sane moments with your AH.
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Old 05-03-2007, 05:23 AM
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they quite drinking , everything should be fine .. it only it were that easy
We in the beginning think the same thing, in the BB it says that for a man to think that being sober is enough is unthinking. I could not agree more.

I can only speak of my experience, alcohol had me beat down really good before I put myself into detox, I knew if I did not stay sober I was going to die! As a result once I got sober in detox and they told me that if I wanted a chance at long term sobriety the second I got out of detox I needed to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor I did exactly what they said.

I felt really good my last 2 days in detox, I also felt very safe from alcohol there because I was not in control, the detox folks were. When they released me I was scared to death, there were a ton of 7-11s and stores with booze inbetween detox and my house. I prayed the whole 1 hour drive home just to have God get me home with out stopping!

When I got home only my 20 year old step daughter was home at the time, she grinned from ear to ear and gave me a Big hug and told me she was proud of me. This is the daughter of my wifes first husband that my wife booted out for drinking. She told me "I don't want to lose you Marty!" (She is the only person I let call me Marty!), next the twins (14) got home from school, hugs again, then my wife got home from work and I gave her a big hug and told her I was going to a meeting.

Long story short, I knew I needed to change to stay sober, I have changed drastically, I have learned I am a far happier man when I do not put myself in the position where I think I am the center of the universe. I am far happier when I am doing for others.My wife commented within the first few days I was home that I was a very different man in all the good ways, she also let me know that it would take time before she would regain trust in me and she was honest and said she was not sure things would ever be like they had been before I really started going off the deep end with my drinking.

My wife has supported me in the best way she possibly could, she has been understanding of the time I spend away from the family going to meetings and working the steps. She goes to one open speakers meeting with me every Sunday, she loves them, she loves to hear the ESH shared by alcoholics with years of sobriety, she says that they give her the hope that I can maintain my sobriety and the person I have become, I always remind her I have a long way to go and she lets me know that she is happy with where I am at now.

Guess what? I am happy with where I am at now, but being the good alcoholic that I am, I plan on continuing working and living the steps to where I can continue to progress and have more then I have now.

LGLG hon right now your husband sounds like he is in the same mode I was in at that time, I pray that he continues on in his recovery, losing that self centerdness is crucial for an alcoholics recovery and it sounds as though not only is he going through the right motions, he is going through the right emotions.
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Old 05-03-2007, 06:26 AM
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early recovery takes a lot of patience. blessings, k
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Old 05-03-2007, 07:45 AM
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I think he has to be in real life to put his new coping mechanisms into practive. I'm so glad that it went well. It makes everyone feel better. I would remain receptive and keep things just the way they are. Let some real time pass in real life circumstances to see how it goes.
There is no rush. Believe it or not, I think you've done the hard part. If he drinks or not, your household has become safe and stable because of you. YOU did that work.
He has a place to stay. Take your time.
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Old 05-03-2007, 08:43 AM
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Time will tell Lglg07 and I have met many recovering alcoholics who, based on their stories, have changed for the better. Why not your husband, too? In the scheme of things, the time spent now apart is small compared to the possibility of a long, sober life together.

Good luck to both of you!
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Old 05-03-2007, 09:14 AM
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I cannot thank everyone enough for all of your support . Each time I make a decision (and its gotten a little easier with time) I cannot help but rethink it and rethink it and rethink it so to be encouraged by you all means so much to me . I feel like we are doing the right thing but sometimes its harder than it sounds .

hope3--strong but wary at the same time .. exactly !!
Taz -- i agree with your wife , I love hearing the storys from those in recovery , it gives me great hope and a little insight to the mind of the A . I know that for all I have been through , it doesnt compare to all he has been through and will go through to stay sober . I can walk away , if he walks he will be followed by his condition . I give you all the utmost respect for all that you have been through and how far you have come . One day at a time .... sounds so cliche but so true !
Mallowcup .. thank you for your kind words . it does make me feel good to know i am doing whats best for my kids (and myself) thats what keeps me going and keeps me strong . I grew up in a family surrounded by alcoholics , father , uncles on both sides and a couple of aunts . we had several huge partys each year and by the end everyone was so drunk , my uncles would be fist fighting (they were all cops too!!)
But the words alcoholic or alcoholism were never spoken in my house ... such a sign of the times . those memorys really push me to keep my kids educated , no matter what their age
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Old 05-03-2007, 09:50 AM
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LGLG07,
Sounds like he is on the right path. My AH went thru detox twice and outpatient counseling before he really got serious about recovery. And the difference between the first two times and the time he was serious is 1) the selfishness was gone and he became a wonderful father and husband and 2) he stayed sober 14 years. Good luck to you both.
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Old 05-03-2007, 03:15 PM
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Ah but LG, you may be giving yourself to little credit here........

quote LG: "I love hearing the storys from those in recovery , it gives me great hope and a little insight to the mind of the A . I know that for all I have been through , it doesnt compare to all he has been through and will go through to stay sober . I can walk away , if he walks he will be followed by his condition . I give you all the utmost respect for all that you have been through and how far you have come . One day at a time .... sounds so cliche but so true !" end quote LG

Maybe you can walk away, but you also remember every gut wrenching fear and hurt, that we as the alcoholics don't, due to the fact we were altered, (thats putting it mildly) so in reality, I think the family and friends go through more, most of the time, but thanks for your kindness LG, cause you know what? In the end, no matter what families decide they have to do for the betterment of the family, (stay or leave, or etc) kindness is the only thing that matters....

best to all in recovery, hope3
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Old 05-03-2007, 07:45 PM
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Great new! So glad allwent well for your dinner....let go of the past and just enjoy the happiness now without questioning it too much....sometimes it lasts!
My AS to me now is like a miricle--I still can't believe it!!!
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Old 05-04-2007, 03:41 AM
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Sun, the cat pic killed me...lmao, hope3
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Old 05-04-2007, 09:55 AM
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ha ! that cat is smiling isnt it ??
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